Goals

I've been thinking a lot about this lately.  I set goals 11 months ago about where I wanted to be 1 year later.  My goal was simply to lose 70 pounds.  Simple, huh?

Not really.  I mean, it's a simple goal in that it's one thing that I wanted to accomplish.  Suffice it to say that I'm not going to reach the goal.  With 30 days left I'd have to lose about 42 pounds.  Not going to happen.

I'm not willing to call it a failure though. 

I have lost weight.  About 30 pounds worth.  Yes, it's not 70, but it's something.  And when you consider that the bulk of it was lost by May and that I've kept it off since then.  It's a win.  Could I have done more?  yes.

My endurance is up.  When I started 11 months ago I was walking at a 2.5 and fast walking at a 3.  Now I walk at a 3.2, fast walk at a 3.6 (minimum) and jog at a 4.7.  AWESOME if I do say so myself.  I never would have thought that I could jog.  Ever.

My strength is improved, my muscles have tone and my balance is great.  I have my trainer to thank for this.  I could have continued to do the machines how I was doing them and never would have gotten this far.  She works me so that my strength, my balance and my cardio are working all at the same time.  That's huge.

So what does this all mean?  I'm trying to fgiure out monthly goals and yearly goals for next year.  I'm a little wiser about how to set fitness goals for me and I think I'm more prepared about how to set goals that make me stive and still give me successes to spur me on.

Renergized

For some reason I feel renergized or recommitted to working out.  I think Pete getting up with me to go to the gym the last couple of mornings has help me.  I know that he gets bored because he lifts weights for about 20 minutes and is done.  But I am determined this time to do my plan, how I need to, for me. 

I'm not so good about food.  Note that I'm eating everything in sight and loads of it.  I just think back to February of last year and I was so darn committed to eating 1200-1500 calories, balanced, lots of prtein, low carbs and low fat.  Tracking my food helped.  But I think it wasn't s asustainable way for me.  I can't sustain more than about 60 days of eating like that.  More than anything I think part of it is that I was blindly doing things by what I thought was good for me.  Knowing now that I not all fat free/low calorie things are really good for me if they're containing loads of fillers that are bad for me too.

I still eat ok.  I have a certain breakfast every weekday morning because it's comfortable, easy and I know that they fill me up.  I'm ok with lunch, in that I don't overindugle.  My struggle is snacking at work.  If I have it in my office, I eat it.  So I try to have things like cheese, popchips, nuts, fruit/dried fruit on hand to eat and not rely on the South Beach Bars and other things that I was using before.  Dinner is harder.  Things that I would make that would fill me up, Pete doesn't necessarily like.  I try to balance it.  Weekends are also harder and I give myself a little more free reign to eat.

I think I may have a resistance to some food group.  I'm thinking that it may be wheat or something similar.  I get uh, bloated and gassy (sorry!) after eating certains things.  Last night we had a pasta dish and I had what was likely less than one serving and I was uncomfortable the rest of the night.  For lunch today I had a sandwich on french bread and I'm having the same feeling.  I used to think that it was dairy, and while that may be something I have a resistance to, I think there is another group.

Why, you ask, haven't I done more to figure it out?  Couple of reasons.  First, it's incredibly overwhelming to try to rule out a certain food.  You either have to cut everything out and start adding in things one at a time over several weeks or you have to figure out what to cut and try that for a few weeks.  Have you every looked at how many things have wheat in them?  Secondly, I LOVE breads and pastas and things with wheat.  I'm afraid that I'll not be able to eat them again.

So I'm doing great with the exercise, not so great (but not bad) with food.

Randomness

I had weird dreams last night that Willow Palin was chasing me.  Weird huh?  I guess it could relate to me watching Sarah Palin's Alaska show right before bed?  Weird.

Christmas is over.  I indulged.  Appetizers and cookies and good things.  Only I watched portions, taking small amounts of things, rather than just loading up.  And I continued to work out. I made myself sore after my Christmas Eve workout that the trainer put together for me.  So I must be doing something right.

I was talking on the phone with my Dad this weekend.  I had my arm up holding the phone to my ear and I rested my head on my shoulder.  It was then that I noticed that I have shoulder muscles.  I told Pete that it was a good thing there are no cameras around me.  It would show me flexing my muscles for myself to show the muscles that keep popping out at me.  I have muscles!

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the future in realtion to my weight and where I want to be.  I missed my goal of being close to 200 at the first of the year.  But I am proud of what I've accomplished and give myself lots of credit for the 5 am gym workouts and the running/jogging/walking even when I didn't want to do it. 

Me, 239

I hover here, more often than not.  Actually for the last 3 months that's where I've hovered.  I am convinced though that it's less fat and more muscle.  I can actually see my upper arm muscles.  I can feel my cavles when I walk.  And If I put my hand on my tummy I can feel the muscles screaming to come out below the pudgy stomach.

So today, pre-Christmas, I head to the gym.  I am determined to keep plowing through the days of my journey, for some day I will reach it.

Mid Week with Pete

Sorry it's late.  Yesterday seemed like everything thing I did was a struggle.

Pete had his first call from the insurance company yesterday.  He's lost about 16 pounds so far.  They just asked him additional questions about what he's done previously and what he'd done now.  I think this insurance thing so basically to monitor him and find out what he's doing in order to pre-approve the surgery.

Did I tell you about his sleep study?  Bascially they think that he snores about 9 times an hour.  He never stops breathing and his heart isn't stressed.  So he meets with the doctor for that in January, but doens't expect anything to come from it.

He's been really tired lately.  I'm not sure if it's because he's back to exercising 4-6 miles a day or if he's coming down with something.  He's better about his eatinng and his portions because it's fresh in his mind.

Ahhh, better.

Well kind of. 

Because PEte's been out of work he's been working out on the treadmill more.  I told him I'd add him back to the account at the Y so he could work out on weights during the day.  He's been saying that he wants to go to the gym with me in the morning.  I hasvn't been going though because I felt horrible.

So last night I tell him that I'm keeping my trainer's appointment and asked him if he wanted to go with me.  All gung ho he replied that he did.  We went to sleep.  My alarm rings at 5am and I jump out of bed.  I brush my teeth, comb my hair and get my gym clothes on.  Then I tried to wake Pete up.  Finally I asked him if he was going to the gym with me.  He said, "No.  I don't know how you do it."  I laughed and went to the gym

But I really thought about it.  And I was where he was at a year ago.  I could hardly believe that I would enjoy getting up at 5 am to work out.  Was I nuts?  Yes, yes I am.  LOL  Actually my body has gotten used to it.  Does it mean that I am more tired at night?  Yep.  But I also fall asleep easier and stay asleep on the days that I go to the gym.  Does it mean that I don't stay up into the wee hours of the night every night.  Yep.  Does it mean that I cometimes nap on the weekends.  Yep, but my body must need it for me to easily fall asleep.

In all, the gym has changed my body's response to daily things.  Getting up, sleeping, energy level.  All non workout related, but improvements.

I did nothing

Honestly the thought of running, jogging or lifting weights this weekend made me want to puke.  The pressure in my head from the sinus infection was horrible.  I felt like my brain had shrunk 2 sizes and was bouncing around in there every move that I made.

Pete was laid off.  Again.  Poor guy.  At least he still has unemployment that he can access.  And he is already sending in applications for jobs.  Our goal was to get to the gym this weekend and add him backt o my Y account so that he could go work out during the day when it was less busy.  That is what kept him fm liking the Y before - he would go during the busy times and there would be no where to workout.  Only my bouncing head kept us from getting there.

Today is a new day though.  And this week is a new week.  Keep trying, right?

I am tired

I have another sinus infection.  Not that I've been to the doctor.  But I've had so many of them I know what they feel like. 

So my question is this:  Do you exercise when you're not feeling good?

I'veen been trying to do this.  But it also means that I've been going home and going to sleep by about 8pm each night.  I also find that I can't breathe as well and I'm having to use my inhaler for my asthma even when I'm not exercising.  So is it all worth it?

Mid Week With Pete

I'm not gonna post Pete's starting weight because that's personal to him.  Let's just say that it was over 300 pounds and that his BMI was over 40. 

In order to have the surgery, along with other things, Pete has to lose at least 14 pounds.  Initally I thought and had heard that programs have patients do this so that it shows that they can lose weight.  That they are capable of losing and are committed to doing so.  And while that might be true, there are other reasons. 

The program that Pete chose is one that is top rated nationally.  They do lots of surgeries each week and have many many patients.  In their estimation, only 2 of every 300 surgeries is open.  Meaning that they do the great majority of surgeries laproscopic.  The Ruox-en Y is the gastic bypass that so many people talk about.  The Sleeve is a newer surgery and kind of a cross between a band and the ruox-en Y.  The Lap-Band is the last kind and the one that Pete will likely have.  Reading about them, you'll see the differences.  However, they all involve getting to your stomach.

In order to do the surgery, they have to lift your liver up off your stomach to get access.  This is a big reason as apparently any weightloss greatly effects your liver size.

So Pete being Pete (the all or nothing guy that he is) has already lost all the weight that he needs to lose for this surgery, and more. 

Don't laugh, ok?

Really.  Hold it in. 

So remember the great KettleBell Episode of Spring 2010?  You know.  The one where I challenged myself to take a few classes in a month's time at the gym.  The one where I chose a free demo of kettlebells and took the 45 minute class.  The one where I was all pumped up afterwards and happy.  The one where I could not walk straight, sit on the potty or dress myself for a week afterwards?

Yeah, that one.

Well, I'm going to try it again.  Wait, I said, don't laugh.  Ok, fine, go ahead and laugh.

But hear me out, ok?  I have one thing to say, I am MUCH stronger.  Back when I took that class I had been halfheatedly working those machines and walking about 40 minutes a few times a week.  Yes, I was losing weight, but I wasn't really doing it the most healthy way.  So, when I took the class my muscles really went into shock.  But I did an 8 week stint with the trainer this summer and learned some things.  I'm on week 8/14 with the trainer this time.  And she suggested it. 

So, I'm attempting it again.  {wish me luck}

Mid Week with Pete

So I decided last night after doing the crappie flop in bed in an attempt to get Pete to stop snoring and totally failing for about 30 minutes, that Wednesdays would be about Pete.  Seriously, my office has been hovering about 85-87 degrees for the last two weeks with no end in sight.  I spent an hour on the phone Monday (in the heat) with the insurance company.  I've been getting little sleep because I had a box of American Girl Doll stuff worth about $100 (don't tell Pete how much, ok?) stuck in my locked mailbox for 24 hours.  I have some presents for Pete that I had delivered to my sister and didn't think about them needing a signature.

Needless to say it's been a long week and it's only Wednesday.  So if I'm not coherent, please bare with me.

I think that a man's journey about weight loss and healthiness is both similar and different than a woman's.  I think that a journey that consists of bariatric surgery is also similar and different.  I want to detail some of what Pete is going through on his journey.  So from now on I'll try to remember to devote Wednesdays to Pete.
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Currently Pete is in the process of what will likely be lap band surgery.  I don't mean that he's been in an operating room, but that the process to even get to the surgery is a long one.  First he had to go see his GP and find out if he thought that Pete would qualify.  Then he was referred to a surgery center in the Twin Cities.  He's met with the surgeon once and she confirmed that he met both the center's criteria for surgery and our insurance provider.

After that he had to attend an seminar about the various surgeries.  I went with him that night and we learned about the events that lead up to the surgery, the surgery itself and the follow up.  They outlined the risks and benefits to each surgery and how each one works. 

Then he met with the nurse practitioner about continuing the process and what else he needs.  It's different for everyone, depending on your insurance, your surgery choice and other factors.  I'll go into the surgeries and those choices at a later date and why Pete is leaning to the band.

For now, Pete has to have a sleep study (and we are battling the insurance company for payment of this), a meeting with a dietitian, a mental health evaluation, a 5 session counseling program through the insurance and additional blood work.  He also has to lose 13 pounds.  When these things are completed, he can schedule the surgery.  The doctor told him that he'd likely be ready sometime late February or March.

So, that's the start of it.  Each week leading up to the surgery I'll talk about his status and one part of the process that he's gone through/going through.  If you have questions, please leave them in the comments section and I'll be sure to answer them.

Body Image

I've been avoiding this for a while.  But I think I need to talk about it.

What's your body image like?  I ask because I think, wait, I know that I have skewed body image.  I think that most people do.  Most people believe that they are bigger than they really are.  I remember watching a TV show and seeing someone draw a life sized outline of what they guessed their body would be.  When they stood against the wall, the outline was so much more smaller than it was before.

I'm different though. My body image is that "it's not that bad".  I look at myself in a mirror and I think that I am smaller than I really am.  You know how I know this?  I sometimes catch myself in a mirror when my brain isn't focused on the how good I look thing and it shocks me.  My brain has to ask if it's really me and I have to tell it that yes, it is me.  And I have to wonder if this weird body image thing doesn't actually perpetuate my weight gains.  As in, it's not that bad that I gained 10 pounds, I still look good!  When really, I don't.

So unlike the majority of the rest of teh world I really have to think about what my body really looks like.  I think I need to find some paper, tape it to a wall and do the body outline thing I mentioned above.  I think Pete needs to do it to.  Then we roll up the paper, put it away and see what changes are made in 30 days, 60 days, 90 days and so on.

Honesty

When I went to the Prior Fat Girl's get together in the fall, I asked questions.  I asked a few different questions to a few different presenters.  Then I asked Jen a question.  And it's been kind of haunting me all this time.

I asked her what prompted her to be so honest about her journey.  She was gracious and replied that it was hard, but that she did it hoping to help herself and others.

I've had several months to think about this.  The more I think about it the more stupid I think the question is.  Yes, I know there are no stupid questions, but this one is.  Hear me out? 

If I'm not willing to be honest with myself, first of all, I'm never going to succeed in my journey.  If I can't be honest with myself at 40 years old, when will I get honest with myself?  Why am I not being honest with myself?

These are the qeustions that I've been pondering.  Then add to it questions like If I can't be honest with myself, how could I be honest with byu blog?  Or if I can't be honest with myself, why can I be honest in my blog with strangers?

I think I realize that I need to be honest with me.  Good, bad or otherwise, I need to be honest with me.  My journey in life, not just weight, will only be successful if I am honest with myself.
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And with that, I leave you with this:  I am back in the 230's as of this weekend.  My goal would be to be about 200 by the time riding season starts in May.  Totally attainable.

Food allergies

Do you have any?

I do.  It took me an embassingly bad experience with a quart of chocolate milk at work about 10 years ago for me to realize that milk + me = bad bad bad things.  Lesson learned and I haven't had milk since then.  Oh I still ate cheese and ice cream and other dairy with no issues.  Then I started to expereince some of the same issues (much less intensity) with those things.  I try to limit ice cream to a scoop here and there.  I LOVE cheese though and have a hard time giving it up.  I love greek yogurt and as long as I eat good stuff like Trader Joes or Fage, I'm ok.

Lately though, I'm experiencing gastrointestinal issues at other times.  Like, uh, daily.  I can live with it.  But, uh, well, Pete?  He's not so fond of it.  (gosh, how embarassing is this conversation we're having?)

Which leads me to wonder if I should be trying to elimiate certain foods and see if there are any ah good things happening?  My concern is that thinking about doing this is so overwhelming.  How and where do I start?

Juggling circles down a line

Ahhhhh....I remember this feeling.  What feeling you ask?  The feeling of getting up the day after a weights workout with my trainer and being able to walk upright!  (you think I'm kidding, but I'm not.)  I now remember that it took me about 3-4 weeks of working out with her to get to this point.  I was starting to think that I would never be unsore again and I talked about it in one of my previous posts. 

The cycle of workout, sore, sorkout, sore, workout, sore is a hard one.  It makes you question if what you're doing is right. It makes you question your sanity.  Hell, it makes your husband question your sanity.  It makes you think that you have a life of soreness and you start to wonder if it's all really worth it.  I mean, one 60 minute workout should not cause 2+ days of walking like Fred Sanford or the inability to lift a 1 gallon milk jug into the fridge.

But I remember now...this feeling that I have.  The intense workout that produces a few slightly sore areas.  Nothing that prohibits anything that I do or leaves me unable to do something in my daily life.

All is good then, right?

Well, no.  Because now is when I start to question if the workout that I did was intensive enough.  Almost as if the workout wasn't productive if I'm not sore for days afterwords. 

Seriously?  Yep, that's how my brain works.  It's back to the cyclical thing again.  And it now makes me wonder if my journey isn't really about a straight line to where I'm going or a wavy line of ups and downs to where I'm going, but a series of circles.  Picture a piece of paper with a line down the middle.  Attach several circles to it so that they are just barely touching the line and each other.  I'm starting to think that this is my journey.

Your stomach

When was the last time that you thought about your stomach.  Weird question, huh?  But really, when was the last time that you thought about it?  I really thought about it Tuesday night when I went to the Bariatric Surgery Seminar with Pete.

Most people realize that their stomach should be about the size of their fist.  I say should because in reality most of us eat way more than a fist size.  It becomes a cycle - eat more, stretch stomach, need to eat more yet, stretch stomach...  You get the idea.  I believe that this is why most diet plans (gosh I hate the word diet), suggest that you eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day.  Your stomach should decrease and you should feel fuller longer. 

How much do you drink when you eat?  Did you know that you shouldn't drink anything?  And that you should avoid drinking for at least 30 minutes afterwards?  The liquid that you eat washes the food from your stomach into your digestive tract quicker.  Therefore, you end up feeling less full whole eating and generally eating more in each setting.

Did you know that it usually takes at least 20 minutes for the stomach to send the seratonin to your brain that says "I'm full."?  How long did your last meal take?  If it was less than about 20-25 minutes, you're eating too fast.  You're shovelling food in and your stomach has no idea that it's over full.

On another note, the seminar touched on the fact that people who have surgery tend to lose friends and have issues in their personal lives with relationships.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  Here I was jealous of Pete and he hasn't even had surgery.  I was honest with him though when he asked me if I was.  I told him that I'd love to have a tool like the lap band to help me in my journey.  However, I don't meet he criteria.

I'm still here

I'm blog stalking.  Saturday Pete and I went out in the 20 degree Minnesota weather for an hour to take pcitures.  I know that we're hearty Minnesooooooootans (said in my best accent), but damn if 20 degrees with a wind isn't cold!  And to top it off, the outfits that I bought for us consisted of sweaters.  Yep, no jackets.  At the end we Harely'd up with shirts & sweatshirts for some fun pictures.  Pete says to me as I'm taking my sweater off OUTSIDE to put on a different shirt "I'm not taking anything off!!"  I laughed and told him that he didn't have to. 

Anyway, hopefully some teasers will be up on her blog soon and the pictures in a couple of weeks. 

Do you want to stalk too?  Or even just someone local who wants pictures taken?  Because Pete is SO NOT a picture guy.  As in he complianed the whole time leading up to this.  As in he questioned why he had to do this (I told him he had to because he LOVED me).  Well Leah had us laughing in the freezing cold and at the end, while driving away, Pete says "Well that wasn't bad at all!".

Here's the blog:  Leah Maria Photography.

Still sore & don't freak out

So it's now Thursday and I'm still sore from Tuesday.  I think this time the soreness is from the foam roller shw used too agressivly on my right leg.  The rest of the soreness is something that I expect.  I'm hoping to be ok by tomorrow or so I can work out again on my own. 

Saturday Pete and I are having photos taken.  I wanted pictures of us that are good and not in wedding attire.  After I scheduled them I realized that this would be a good before & after and that we should re-do them this time next year to see where we are at. 

Don't freak out, ok?  I added a bunch of recipes to my recipe blog Adventures in Everyday Food today.  They're all Thanksgiving Day recipes that I'm making.  I say don't freak out because I'm not eating them all! 

Walking...barely.

So I had another session with the trainer Tuesday at the gym. Yesterday. Wow, seems like so long ago. Anyway, I was a little sore last night. The kind of sore that reminds you that you worked out and worked out well. Today? I'm hobbling. Not as in my back hurts, but definately I wonder (silently of course) if I really need to use the bathroom that badly because it hurts to lower myself & get up again.

So I wonder, on these days, is it worth it?

Is the soreness for a couple of days afterwords worth losing? Is the stiffness from sitting for a couple of days worth it? Because I end up lifting weights 2 days a week and spending 2-3 days afterwards sore. So really I'm living in a state of sore and not so sore.

I really need to get back to the place where I'm working out and sore the next day and then it's gone. I REALLY need that rhythum again.

Holiday Challenge

I joined the holiday challenge at the gym today. They'll weigh me tomorrow when I go back and then weigh me again on 1/7/11. If I haven't gained I'll get a free t-shirt. It's still really, a t-shirt? Is it motivation though? Yep. The competative side of me wants to win that damn shirt. That same competativeness says that I should only get the tshirt if I actually lose, because after all that's my goal, right?

So the last time I weighed myself (last Friday) I was 240. My goal is to be at least 230 by 1/1/11. Small goal and 6 weeks to do it.

I really want to make this about others.

As I was getting ready this morning I thought about telling you all about Pete and his journey here. I had 5 days of posts worked up in my head. Then I went over and read Ex Yo Yo Dieter .

Talk about a wake up.

Talk about hiding!

For several months now I've done nothing. Well, almost nothing. I keep saying here how happy I am that I haven't gained. Yet I haven't continued my journey to lose either. I am stagnant. Not moving. I've done good things like worked out some and walked. But I've also done bad things like eaten 4 cupcakes and too many servings and not exercised when I could.

My newest obsession is Pete. His journey. He is a candidate for the lap-band or another surgery called The Sleeve (which sounds like an evil villan, but I digress). He is beyond excited. Just attending the doctor's appointment he knows (and now I know) that I can never be a candidate for weightloss surgery. I have TMJ and cannot open very wide. Once again I am worried. What if he figures out hiw journey and I am still...well like I am now?

What if I can't do it? Am I self sabotaging my journey right now so that I have a good excuse when I don't lose more weight?

All that for nothing

I just got done eating. I think it took me all of 10 minutes.

It occurred to me that I just spent all afternoon cooking a big dinner only to consume my portion in 10 minutes. A lot of work for just 10 minutes.

I don't seem to have this problem other places, but at home I scarf down my meal so fast. Maybe it's because we have no kitchen table to eat at. We eat in the livingroom in front of the tv. Maybe it's because the eating isn't important once I've spent all that time cooking. I literally was in the kitchen from 2pm-5pm cooking breakfasts for the week, ham, bread, mac & cheese, corn, apply torte... A long time. Maybe it's because I'm wondering if Pete likes what I've made. Wondering if he likes a new recipe or not.

At any rate, I don't savor my food here at home. I gulp it down and don't seem to notice what I'm eating.

Likely not a good way to do it. And I need to figure out how to change this.

Food as fuel

I keep thinking about this notion that food is just fuel. Then I think about the fact that I LOVE food. And then (if it could get any longer, right?) I wonder why it's so bad to love food?

I grew up with parents that never cooked alternative meals for us kids. Parents who made us try everything on our plate at least once. Parents who made us eat every meal. Parents who made us finish what we took. Some of those things are good and some are bad. I can credit my parents with giving me a wide aray of choices for food. However, I can credit them with feeling like I have to clean my plate no matter how full I am.

I think what it comes down to is that I don't have to see food as fuel only. But I have to figure out how to work good food into my daily intake and limit the bad-for-me-but-good-tasting food.

How do I do this?

I seem to get fixated on bad food lately. Cake is one of them. I could eat cake every day so I've learned not to buy it/make it very often. But I still crave it and think about it. Chocolate is good and bad, right? I crave a little chocolate daily. But I think I have that one because I was introduced to the Attune Chocolate Bar at the Prior Fat Girl get together. I can stake having one of those daily and getting probiotics in too.

it's the breads and the pastas and the fried foods that I can't seem to work in when I get absolute cravings for them. I need to work on that.

Ironic

I worked out with the trainer on Tuesday.

Couldn't walk by Wednesday.

Lost 3 freaking pounds when I weighed in on Friday morning.

If only the losing thing was that easy, right?

Fred

Are you old enough to remember watching Fred Sanford on Sanford & Son? If not, watch one of the clips from the show.

Notice how he walks?

I just realized while walking to the printer at work that I walk like him today. Really. My butt is pulled into my pelvis, my hips waddle from side to side and I use my arms to propel me forward. Now I don't normally walk like this. But I did it again.

Let me show you the pattern:
no exercise for a while
exercise
pumped up the day of exercise
a little sore the next day
VERY sore the 2nd day & walking funny
anger the sciatica
walk even funnier to baby the sciatica
injure lower back
walk even funnier
unable to work out for a while
lather, rinse & repeat.

I need to figure out how to break the pattern.

The Food Blog...

Adventures in Everyday Food

Check it out.

Recipes

The time I normally spend writing a post I used in different way yesterday. A couple if years ago I put together a recipe blog to track the cooking I was doing. It quickly fell by the wayside when I started yet another blog about planning my wedding. Can you say blog overload?

What I've realized in the last couple of months is that I gave a pattern. (doesn't everyone?). I search for recipes, I make recipes then I lose the good ones. Shortly after coming back from our anniversary trip I made great biscuits. Now I'll be famed if I can find that recipe.

So I resurrected my recipe blog called Adventures In Everyday Food. I'll post a link in the next few days to the site. My hope is that I can both log the recipes I make but also track the nutrition and see if I can revamp them to make them better for us.

Prior Fat Girl

Have you been over to Jen's site to read about her? Prior Fat Girl I've written about her before and her journey of weightloss and her struggles.

She's running a contest of sorts to invite a new Prior Fat Girl to join her site and blog about their journey. For the last several days she's been listing nominated bloggers and their stories. If you haven't been to her site today, GO! Read James' Story .

It brings up an interesting point, no? I mean I think that we tend to think of weight loss and eating as a female thing. Something that only women struggle with. But obviously this isn't something that is gender specific. So while it's not talked about often by women, it's not talked about even more by men.

Can I tell you how much I appreciate hearing it from a man's perspective? I often struggle with how to best support my husband in his journey. I think I know what I need to support me. I think I have the tools that I need at this point to figure out what to do. But how to I support him?

For a while I was limiting his food intake at the meals that I cooked. For a while I went to the gym and worked out on weights with him, skipping my own workout. For a while I went to eh gym when he wanted to g, instead of what worked best for me. For a while I would comment about how many servings he had of food. For a while I stopped buying soda and commented every time he bought one. For a while I challenged him to work out so many times a week. For a while I reminded him how much better he felt when he worked out.

Nothing helped though. Nothing. Just writing this out made me realize that I can't help him, he has to help himself. I knew that intellectually. But in my heart I want him to be happy and it seems like I was (am) willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy.

For the last year he has been talking about weightloss surgery. If I'm honest with myself I feel crappy because when we were working out before I was getting upset (internally) that he was weighing less than me. When he started gaining it back, he started talking about weightloss surgery. I felt like it was a cop out. Then I had a friend who had a lap band and realized that it wasn't easy and weight didn't fall off, it was still work. Pete kept talking about it and telling me that I should make an appointment for him.

You read right. I should make his doctor appointment for his surgery. I resisted. I told him that he needed to do it. I felt like he needed to be at the point that he was willing to make the call himself. He's to that point. He has an appointment at a local bariatric center next week to start the process with the lap band. I think he's starting his own journey. And I need to remember that everyone's journey is different.

Trainers

Have you every worked with a trainer? I grew up in a home that didn't place any impoartance on physical activity. I think it's one of the factors in my weight issues. Things that you don't learn as a child sometimes take twice as long or more to learn as an adult.

When Pete and I were working out at the same gym a few years ago I mainly stuck to the treadmill/elliptical. I didn't know how to use the machines, let alone the free weights. Pete showed me the machines and I used those. I really didn't know what I was doing though. I'd do 15 reps sometimes, sometimes I'd do 60. Sometimes I'd work the machines and the treadmill all on the same days. Sometimes I'd ry the balance ball and other pieces of equipment. But I had no clue. No clue how to work out, what to work out and how to be successfull at it.

When we joined the Y last winter, I started out on the same plan. I'd be on the treadmill/elliptical for 35-40 minutes and then use the machines. I think I knew that you weren't supposed to do a major workout both in the same day. I think I knew that you weren't supports to do all major muscle groups day after day. But it didn't seem to matter for me.

Then I worked with a trainer over the summer. She's this little peppy, petite woman. At times I was frustrated with her, happy with her, scared of her... But the bottom line is that I saw results. Good results. Results that have stuck with me. I still have definition in my uppoer arms. I still have definition in my back. I keep kicking myself for not continuing what we had started. But I also know that my hard work makes it happen.

So tomorrow at 5am, I'll be back at the Y meeting with that trainer again.

I'm a little frustrated

First of all I weigh 242. Just 2 pounds over what my lowest has been this year. Which is a good thing. Really good considering all that I did or really all that I didn't do over the later summer and this fall.

The frustration? Something I did at the gym yesterday aggravated my sciatic nerve. To the point where it was shooting fire from my mid left butt cheek down through the back of my leg into my calf. And when I say shooting fire, I mean fire. I couldn't sit very much in the chair last night and laid in bed. Nothing relieved the pain. Well, I should say that Pete tried putting his hand on the junction between my leg & my butt to see if it helped. I proceeded to mash his hand into the junction because the pressure felt good. Then he told me that I was breaking his wrist, so I let go.

Bottom line is that I didn't go to the gym today. Which, it the grand scheme of things isn't horrible. But it's frustrating to think that I can't do it. I mean I probably could go and walk, but it would be painful and I'm afraid of aggravating it further.

I will persist though. That 242 tells me that I'm on the right track and to keep going.

Dear Michelle

Dear Michelle (that's me),

I'm proud of you. I know that every journey has it's struggles and triumphs and yours is no different. I'm proud that you have decided to take control of your health. There are so many things that you can control and focusing on those is a great positive step.

I have to be honest. I'm a little sad that you didn't make more of the summer. Make more of getting in more physical activity outside. Make more of the fresh produce that is abundant that time of year.

But with my honesty and sadness also goes honestly and hopefulness. I know that you see what a difference a little change in your daily life can make to your physical health! I know that you see the effects of eating better and exercising. You're more alert during the day, you fall asleep and sleep better at night, you have more energy throughout the day, you feel better and you think better.

I'm proud of you for getting up at the ungodly hour of 5am and getting to the gym. It's early, dark and cold, but you know how important it is. I'm proud of you for logging your walks and your workouts to see what works and what doesn't.

I'm so very glad that you set goals. I understand that sometimes goals aren't met, but it's really about the journey to the goal, right? Not attaining the goal doesn't mean that the journey it's self is any less important. You get it.

So I'm looking for ward to your future and I know you are too.

Love Me.
________________________

Have you written a letter to yourself lately? If not, do it. Paper, computer or email. Send it to yourself and read it in 30 days, 90 days and 6 months. How are you doing?

Exercise Clothes

Now I have to admit that when I get up at 5am to head ot the gym the last thing onmy mind is what I'm wearing. I just hope that when I pull some yoga/running pants out of the closet and a shirt that they match. And come to think of it all my pants are black so really how can I screw that one up?

I get new shoes once a year. I've visited many stores in the area - running stores, walking stores, high end shoe stores and main street shoe stores. I did this last fall looking for the "ah-ha!" shoe moment where my feet would sing to me. They never sang and in the end the one that everyone recommended (but never had in my size) was the one I was already wearing.

I put my hair up in a ponytail. Well, whatever hair fits into the ponytail. Sometimes that means I have to wet it down because it's taken on a life of it's own overnight. And I make sure that all my make up is off from the previous night. Oh, usually I brush my teeth too. You know, just in case I have to talk to someone.

So when I read this article -> Stylish Workout Clothes I thought, really?

Newsflash: Exercise clothes aren'tlumpy and frumpy anymore.

Really? So when I'm sweating away to get healthy and feel better about myself I should be dressing stylish? I'm not in that gym to pick up men, one up the women or appear better than anyone else. I'm there to workout. Implying that I need to look stylish to do it someone takes away from the idea that I'm there at all.



I don't need to look stylish at the gym. I need to be dressed appropriately (no one needs to see my tummy or booty). I need to have the correct footwear for my feet. That's it. Nothing more and nothing less.

Starting Over or Continuing

This morning I got out of bed and went to the gym. Well, actually my alarm went off and my husband had to prod me several times before I got out of bed. He had to basically nag me about my promise to myself to start going to the gym again. I am thankful that he did.

I met with the trainer and set up some weekly sessions with her starting next week. I also told her how I wanted to do the C25K program starting next week. Then I got on that treadmill and started up. I did my 1.5 miles and some core exercises. (yay me!)

On the way home I thought about how I started again. But really I haven't started over. My goal is the same. My pattern is the same. I just continued it after some time off. So I'm not starting over.

Why is this important to me? Because if I'm starting over I feel like I was a failure previously. And I'm not a failure. I'm a woman on a journey. Sometimes the journey is swift and I cover many miles in a day. Sometimes the journey is slow and I struggle though a few steps a day. But I'm still on the journey.

I'm refocused

I think. No really. I am.

Saturday's Prior Fat Girl was very interesting. The first speaker was from Kitchen Werks . I already read labels and check my carbs and all that so I thought this would be old hat. However, Stacy made me think not only about carbs, but about how many ingredients were in my foods and how much sugar was in my foods. If I can't say the ingredient or can't understand what it is, do I really want to be putting it in my body? No. So Even though I got very few groceries yesterday it took me FOREVER because I was back to reading every label again. And I'm sure that I could do better and will keep reading.

The second speaker was Mary Langfield . I thought I had a pretty good grasp on getting healthy. But Jen brought up that there is all this emotional stuff that goes on with losing weight, changing out body image and prespective. Mary reminded me that I need to do something else other than eat to fill up my time and mind. She reminded me that I am good enough to put myself first and to rememeber that I am not alone in my struggles.

I'll have more to say about those things another day. But I was so inspired and energized during the session that I signed up for the next one in January.

I'm here

I think I have social anxiety. Seriously. I get so anxious in new situations. Made dating really hard. Lol. But I push myself because I know it's good fir me and the right thing to do.

So I'm here at the Prior Fat Girl's conference. And I'm going in.

Nervous

I'm nervous. I'm ecited too. This weekend is the Prior Fat Girl Get Together. And I submitted my name to be a new Prior Fat Girl. Nervous. Excited.

Pain and life

I live with daily pain. Physical pain. When I was a teen in the 80's there was little known at TMJ issues. It was this emerging physical issue in teen and young adult women mostly. And it will play a large part in my life, for the rest of my life.

It started out with headaches. Headaches that would last and never go away. Headaches for weeks. Headaches to the point that I would do almost anything just to get rid of the pain for a short time. Then short, intense earaches. Like a spike in my ear for 10 seconds. Then my jaw started locking open or closed and afterwards be very sore.

The first thing that happened was my parent's medical and dental insurers would fight over who had to pay for the cost of treating this. Doctors tried to put me on muscle relaxers. I was a teen aged zombie would slept my afternoons and evenings away. I remember laying down on the bleachers at my sister's softball game and sleeping. Not a good way to spend your teen years.

After that there was physical therapy, dental devices, psychological services, cortisone shots, counseling...none of which produced long term results. So they did surgery.

5 times, or about every other year for 10 years.

Currently I have no condyle head on either side of my jaw. It's free floating, of sorts. My other issue is that I seem to 'grow' bone or hardened tissue in diseased joints. Between that and the fact that the muscles in my jaw are so tight from lack of use...well, lets just say that my jaw is majorly screwed up.

After my last surgery in 1997 I was done. I never wanted to have surgery again. I was tired of the surgery, the recovery and it making no difference. So I kind of swore off doctors. In 2001 I got tired of living every day in pain. My jaw aches, no shoulders and neck and back sometimes ache, my head aches, I still get the ear pain and I can't open more than the width of 2 fingers.

So I went to a pain management clinic. I did this monthly for 4 years. I'm currently on pain meds, anti-inflammatory meds and other things to help. But I live with some sort of pain everyday.

EVERYDAY.

Some days are better than others and I almost forget about it. Some days are bad and I wish I had never started this TMJ journey. But most days are in between somewhere.

Now, I say all this, not to ask/beg for sympathy. I say this because I am amazed at the number of people that I meet on a weekly basis who live in daily pain too. I am amazed at how few of us speak up about it and wonder why. I say this because I want people to know that they're not alone. I say this mostly because it's liberating to talk about.

Re-energized

Last week I went to a training for work. The MN Justice Forum was presented by the Citizen's Council on Crime & Justice. It's the first time that I've attended, but it's been held over several years. It was one of those all day trainings where several presenters were brought in to address many issues on crime and how it relates to mental health and other issues.

I left feeling energized, if not physically, certainly mentally. I've been in my field for 17 years. I've worked for the same agency, permanently for 14 years. I've been in my current job position for 5 years this month. No matter how much you do, you get stale. You get tired. You get bored.

That's why I love trainings like this. I love to have many people present on a subject to get the most from different view points. It reenergized me and I'm in the process of developing a study to do in the next year with a portion of our population. It's good to feel good again at work.

the scale

I weighed myself this morning. I should say, I ate a bag of candy last night then ate a smal chunck of feta cheese and about 15 small green olives. Can you tell I'm all about the sweet, then salty thing right now? The cravings, they are horrible. You'd think I was pregnant, but no, just PMSing.

So this morning I got on the scale. Fully expecting to have gained about 10 pounds since I stopped working out in August. Only to my surprise I have gained about 2 pounds. While I'd rather not have gained anything, I'm strangely ok with the 1-2 pounds.

Then I thought about the fact that I haven't been working out or watchign my eating and imagined where I'd be if I was continuing that process...

Goals

I signed up for some more personaly training sessions yesterday. I'm not going to start them until I am mostly done with PT for my sciatic issue. So likely around November first I'll be back at the gym again.

It made me realize that I'll only have NOvember, December and January to reach my 70 pound goal. Then I got a little sad and thought about what it would feel like not to make my goal. All the hard work I started out with in February of last year and all the downhill spiral I took this summer. With about 40 pounds to go I can't see that I'll reach my goal. :(

Then I thought about it again. So what if I don't reach my goal? I mean really so what? I tried, right? I lost some weight, right? I know what I need to do to to lose the weight and how to do it, right? Who says I can't just be happy with the healthier me? Because really that is what this journey is about. Being healthier. So who says that I can't just be happy with what I did and set a new goal?

So, that's my plan.

Recipe Swap - Cranberry Orange Oatmeal

I love Caribou Coffee's Cranberry Orange Oatmeal. When I say love, I mean LOVE. As in I normally don't like cranberries, but this stuff is awesome.

Only I don't eat it very often. Probably because I instinctively know that while the oatmeal part is healthy, the rest is not.

Calories: 274 (not bad)
Calories from Fat: 30
Total Fat: 3.5 grams
Sodium: 200mg
Total Carbs: 87g (OUCH!)
Fiber: 8g
Sugars: 38g (OUCH!)
Protien: 15 grams (good!)

See? I knew it would be bad. That's 5 servings of carbs in one sitting. And while it fills me up, I think I can do better.

Better Oats has a line of oatmeal that is lighter in carbs and still filling & tasts great.



Better Oats:
Calories: 100
Calories from Fat: 20
Total Fat: 2g
Sodium: 220mg
Total Cabs: 18g (yes!)
Fiber: 3g
Sugars: 0g (YES!)
Protien: 4g



1/3 cup Dried Cranberries:
Calories: 130
Fat: 0g
Carbs: 32g
Fiber: 1g
Sugars: 25g
Protein: 0g



1 T Orange Marmalde
Calories: 49
Fat: 0
Carbs: 13g
Sugars: 12g

So I made my version of the oatmeal today. It's similar, but not quite the same. The intense orage & cranberry flavors from the Caribou aren't the same. But it's something that I can live with. I ended up adding less cranberries and lettering them plump while the oatmeal was cooking. Then adding the marmalde.

Questions

I found this questionaire at Never the Skinny Girl and thought this was a good chance to figure out some things about me.

1. What was your highest weight, what do you weigh right now and what is your goal weight?
My highest weight...whew, here goes...about 270/275. I wasn't weighing myself then, but I can tell from clothes that I found from that time.
My weight now is about 240. I was down further but have some sciatic issues that are preventing me from working out like I want to.
My goal weight? I know that my first goal is to lose 70 pounds and be about 185 pounds by 2/1/11.

2. What is your #1 motivation for losing weight?
I want to feel better. Physicially, mentally and emotionally.

3. Have you always been overweight?
No. When I was in elementary school, my mom had a hard time finding me pants because the super skinny ones were still too big. *sigh*

4. When you want to give up what inspires you to keep going?
The me I want to be. The vision in my head of what my life looks like.

5. What is the #1 thing you look forward to when you hit your goal weight?
Sopping in the 'normal' sections of clothing stores.

6. Do you have support on your weight loss journey?
Yes and no. I have support of blogs that I visit in that they inspire me. I have support from the gym recognizing my face each time I come in. However, I have to tell my family and friends that I've lots for them to notice.

7. What is your favorite exercise?
Lifint weights. I love the way my muscles feel tired afterwards.

8. What is the most important thing you have learned on your weight loss journey?
That it's a lifestyle, not a diet. I need to learn a lifestyle, not how to lose weight.

9. What is one thing you have given up that you miss the most?
Admittedly I haven't really given up much. I eat things rarely or in moderation to satisfy the craving so that it doesn't drive me batty to continue to have it.

10. What is your strategy for losing weight?
Slow and steady. Little lifestyle changes at time.

Could I? Should I?

I linked to a blog called Prior Fat Girl the other day. I've been following the blog since last winter when I was going to the gym every day and really motivated to change. She's having a get together this month with speakers and such and I'm going. I'm hoping that it's the motivator to get me excited again about working out.

Today she announced that she is taking submissions for additional bloggers on her site. And it got me to thinking. Wondering. Should I submit me?

I already like to blog and want to blog and do so often. I already like to blog about my struggles with exercising and eating. I like her (even though I haven't met her). I like what she stands for and how she went about her healthness journey.

I think I just talked my self into it.

The experiment

I woke up late today. Too late to go to the gym. I'm having issues with sleep patterns again after being on vacation. I hope to get back to a regular one by the weekend.

On to my little expirament. After my shower today I put the heart rate monitor on and I've been wearing it all day. I'm going to do this today, tomorrow and Thursday. I'm thinking that I can average out the days and determine just how many calories I burn in a day. I know that it's not going to be spot on, but it should be close.

I love vacations

Seriously, what is not to love. You don't go to work. You see new things and new places. You eat. And eat. And eat.

I haven't weighed myself since we got back. I'm afraid to. My rings say that my fingers are not fat. My pants say that my waist and booty are not big. But I don't know what that pesky scale will say.

Before we left I bought a Polar T7 Heart Rate Monitor. I haven't been to the gym yet to try it out, but I did try it out a little at home. When we got home there was a card in the mail from the Y about offering a sale on personal training again. I am going to go in this week and sign up again. The trainer kept me accountable this summer and I need some help again. I also started physical therapy for my siatic pain. I have about 8 sessions over 4 weeks and in that time will learn how to make my workouts better again without leaving me in pain.

While we were on vacation I checked into Facebook and saw this: Prior Fat Girl's One Breath, One Step Event. I jumped on it. I signed up only after quickly mentioning to Pete what I was doing. I'm really excited about this. She had a similar goal that I do. She's struggled in the last years with weight on other issues. She is pretty open about her struggles and thoughts. I can't wait to learn more about being healthly. Not dieting or working out, but being healthy.

Vacation Packing

I spent 15 minutes last night looking for an item of clothing that I wanted to pack for our trip. Then realized that I had it on. Did the same thing Friday looking for a certain pair of jeans to wear, only to realize that I had packed them already. There are downsides to packing early.

I was struck last night that I could fit all of my clothes and shoes into a carry on bag for a 10 day trip. I remember when I was just out of college and we'd go to Arizona every winter. I'd take a HUGE suitcase and carry on and a purse. Silly. Or I've just become a better packer/planner in all these years.

This trip I tried to take more casual clothes, rather than just jeans and t-shirts all the time. I also tried to plan so that my tops would fit with several pairs of pants/capris and in one general color group. Black, blue, white with a few pops of corally-red. So everything should mix and match. I'm taking a couple of pairs of black sandals to coordinate. Simple and makes life much easier.

The other thing that makes packing so much easier for me all the time is the ready to go toiletries bag. I keep a bag stocked with small sizes of all the things that I use in the bathroom. It's so easy to know that I have it there, that I don't have to scramble for it and that I have everything. During the summer when we camp a lot, I just refill the bottles every month. Honestly, if I needed to I could pack for an overnight in about 10 minutes because of that bag.

And the last tip for the day: pack your bathroom/make up items the night before you leave. When you get ready to leave the day of your vacation, get ready from the bag that you packed. It will tell you if you forgot something just by not having it while you're still in your house.

Lost and found

Last December I lost someone. A person who was important to me. Someone who helped me through some difficult times. Someone who I helped. I thought that she'd be there forever, waiting to meet someday at a brewery halfway from me to her.

Since that day, I often think about her. I wonder what would have become of her life had she lived. I wonder where she'd be now. I wonder if her son would have chosen a different path. I wonder if her relationship would have taken a turn. I wonder if she'd have convinced me to meet her this summer. I wonder. I guess I wonder a lot.

All my wondering does no good. It doesn't change that she is gone. It cannot bring her back. So I do my best to remember her. The smile and tilt of her head. Her thoughtfulness. Her willingness to listen. Her daily impact on so may lives.

At times I think the world should stop and everyone should get off and remember her. The way I remember her. Think of her the way I think of her. Respect her memory the way I respect it. And then I'm reminded of one of my favorite sayings: Harboring resentment is like giving yourself a dose of poison and waiting for the other person to die. It isn't going to happen. But it's going to make me unhappy.

So when that happens I look down at the ring I have in her memory and I breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out...

A lesson to remember

Do you remember sitting at the kitchen table as a kid and being told to finish your dinner? I do. Do you remember wanting to skip dinner to go out with friends and being told no? I do. Do you remember being told that you need to finish whatever you take from the fridge? I do.

I think that it's created a person inside me that feels like they need to finish whatever I'm eating, no matter if I'm FULL or I don't necessarily like it. In reality I DON'T have to.

What a powerful statement. How freeing.

Now if only I could get myself to remember it. Today I had a cup of soup and a wrap from a restaurant. The soup was wonderful on this rainy fall day. The wrap? Not so good. The wrap was stale and hard, the insides weren't that flavorful. I ate half, thinking how not good it was. Then I picked up the other half and took a bite. I thought that I'd just eat the insides, but even they were not good.

Then I stopped. I mentally said "I don't have to eat this." So I didn't.

I wish I could get myself to remember that all the time. It's powerful and it's something that I need to practice more often.

On another note, the bad wrap? I lost part of a cracked tooth on it. I leave for vacation in a week. It's a tooth that I can't open wide enough for them to get at. *sigh*

A-List maker

Get it? A List? As in, a famous person? Bad joke? Ok, sorry.

I am a total list maker, planner, organizer (only don't look in my extra bedroom currently, ok?) As I said, a list maker. It's about a week before vacation currently and I have several lists going.

Packing list
Things to Do list
Things to Buy list
Packages That Should Be Arriving list

See, I told you. Lists.

I often wonder how other people pack for vacation. Because packing, to me, is a very involved process. I sit down and figure out how many days I'm going to be gone, the weather where I'm going, how may outfits I'll need, how many pairs of shoes I'll need and that's just clothes. Add in things like jewelry, hair care, make up, electronics and other things and you have quite a list.

I started out this time with a list in my head of things to wear about 2 weeks ago. Then Pete crushed my list by reminding me that it's still SUMMER where we are going, not FALL. Whew? Good thing I started the process so soon. I had to scrap my mental list and start over. So a couple of weeks ago I started making a mental list of days and how many outfits I'd need. Then when I'd be looking in my closet for clothes to wear each day I'd make a mental list of the things in the closet that were possibilties. Then I went shopping. *peeks out behind hands* Yep, shopping. I shopped online and in person for a few things to supplement my outfits. Then yesterday I made a real pen and paper list. Last night I started pulling things out of my closet to add to the suitcase pile on the bed.

Now a couple of things. First, I decided a while ago (after looking at other people's travel pictures) that I wasn't going to be jeans and Tshirt all vacation. I'd throw in capri's, knit tops, bouses, khaki pants and sandals. And for good measure I'd throw in a dress for our anniversary dinner. I'm hoping to talk Pete into the same by having him bring polo shirts instead of Harley shirts. We'll see.

The other thing is that this pile of clothes on the bed? It will change. My list making process will continue in the next week, both in my head and on paper. I'll edit it several times. In the end I know that the best part is the final part. Marking things off the list as they go into the suitcase.

Ahhh, the sweet sound of list making...

A processor

I'm a processor. When something is bothering me, I process it. Lately my processing has been done internally. But I really prefer to process with someone else. They can reflect back what you're saying. They can empathize with you. They may have gone through this previously and can give you suggestions. And it feels good to have someone validate what you're saying, going through or doing.

On 9/11/01 I was living with my Grandma. She was out of the country on vacation. I was home alone. I had taken the day off to do some things, but only slept until 8am CT. When I got up I turned on the TV and saw what was happening. Oh my God! My life was shattered. The security and safe feeling that I never in a million years thought would be gone, was just that. My mind race, my thoughts were all over the place. I was scared. And I had no one to process with.

People think that I am weird. I live over 1000 miles from the sites where this occurred. Yet, I felt like I was right in the middle of it. I felt like my world had forever changed. I couldn't sleep. I was drawn to the news shows so that I was informed about what was happening and because I honestly thought there would be more attacks. Yet the constant stream of news made my thoughts worse. Double edge sword.

To this day I still think about what happened. I still go over the feelings and I still cry. And I an again alone in this. The people around me think that I'm over reacting, so I don't say anything. But I rememeber. I pray for those who were lost. I respect and honor those firefighters who race up a burning building when everyone else was racing down. I pray for the military that we've lost since then. I pray for the children who will never have the safe feeling that I grew up with. I pray for me.

My 2 week goal

I'm looking forward to our trip to the South. But I think it's holding me back mentally from starting to work out again. On the other hand, the scale at the doctor's office tells me that I need to start up. The blood work that said my cholesterol is high also said that.

So my 2 week goal (we leave in 2 weeks for the trip) is the following:
1. Track my food for 2 weeks on my iphone aplication.
2. Gym at least 6 days a week. 4 days walking/running and 2 days building the workouts back up again.
3. Better eating.

It's 14 days of this and hopefully something that I can accomplish. I'll check back in the day before we leave (or there abouts) to see how well I did.

Reservation Block

You know how some people will have writers block and be unable to write about something? Well I have reservation block. I need to make hotel reservations for our trip in 2 weeks and I can't seem to do it.

1. Plans seem to be fluxuating, daily.
2. The rooms I want are non refunable.
3. I think the prices will go down soon? (yes? no?)
4. It's a huge chunk of our travel budget for this trip and I don't want to mess it up.
5. Pete's a little picky about his hotels. 2 of the ones that I chose on the Wyoming trip were sub-par to him.

I just need to do it, right?

That nutrition/fitness thing....

On 2/1/10 I had a goal of being 70 pounds lighter by 2/1/11. Currently I'm around 30 pounds lighter, but most of that work was done in February, March & April. Then I had issues with my back and a cyst on my chest. I started working out again in late May, but by that time it was getting to be motorcycle season and I was too busy to work out.

The bad: I haven't been to the gym in a month. Actually I take that back - I went once in August. I haven't been counting calories or drinking as much water. I haven't been eating every 3 hours.

The good: despite all this and going on a vacation for 12 days, I haven't gained more than 3 pounds over the summer.

The plan: I see my doctor for my annual physical this week. I need to have a plan for accessing physcial therapy or something for when my siatic nerve acts up. I need to start working out in the moring before work again - it is the best time for me to get it in. I need to start drinking water and going back to the eating habits I had this spring.

I bought clothes at Costco the other day. Clothes that I fit into. I can buy clothes in some of the 'regular' sections in Target. When I think about that and how it feels to buy the lower sizes and shop in the stores, it's amazing. Then I think about the old saying that the food I eat doesn't taste as good as the feeling of fitting into lower sizes. It is true. At least for me.

Anniversary

Pete and I got married by water. Unconsciously, we started a tradition. Because when we took our anniversary we went to a city by water. So when I planned our first anniversary trip, I planned it by water. That's when we decided that each anniversary would be spent by water.

For our second anniversary, we're going south. Way south. We're headed to North Carolina to visit some of Pete's relatives. After spending a couple of days there with the relatives and checking out the area, we're headed to South Carolina. To the ocean. Water. For our anniversary.

We're going to spend a couple of days in Charleston. I'm pretty excited about this and have been researching places to see and do and EAT!

Then we;re headed to Grorgia to visit more realtives. After spending a couple of days with the realtives and checking out the area, we're headed to Nashville. Pete used to do security for the Grand Ole Opry and I've always wanted to see a show. So, we're in Nashville for a couple of days to see the area and see a show.

Then we're headed home. It's a lot to cram into a week of vacation, but it's how we do it. Always on the go, finding new places and things to do. I can't wait.

Hired

Pete was offered a job today. Did I tell you how he was laid off on our last day of vacation in August? Well, he was. He's been looking for jobs and had some very weird experiences in the journey. Today he was offered a job. Kind of. A 30 hour a week job on a temporary basis. A trial basis. The job is at the very top of his skill set, but the company loves his personality and persistence. So the are letting him try it out for a bit and if it's a match, they'll keep him.

Interesting, no? I'm starting to think that full time permanent information technology jobs are a thing of the past...

The Talk

Pete and I had a great talk the other night. I think we both tend ot bottle things up and then they just come to a head and shoot out all at once. We're fairly good at communication, but still have some things to work on.

I tried to explain to him that he is a very matter of fact/that's how it is person. I'm more emotional about things. It's why, when I'm frustrated I cry. It's why I cry at those darn commericals and some movies. I don't think he got it that night, but last night I had an on the spot example, in the moment it happened. I think he got it then.

Last night we discussed the fall trip we're taking to visit his relatives and for our anniversary. I'm now super excited to plan the rest of it and get going. I've never been south of Missouri. I giggle each time he talks to his cousin on the phone because of her accent. And I want to meet his second cousin who just graduated from high school and posts on facebook all the time. I think she's cute. She reminds me of my teenaged drama when I was her age.

Better

I think. Every have periods in your life where your weird feeling and can't quite put your finger on why? I seem to be having more and more of those. They last a day or so and then I'm back to normal. The pattern seems hormonal. And each time that I think that I have the pattern and effects figured out, my body seems to change things up on me. The wonders of getting older, right? (yes, 40 is older apparently)

Last weekend was the last camput that Pete and I go to with the Dry Riders. It is one of my favorite locations. And I say that knowing that I also think that the bathrooms suck. Pete and I went down early and spent a night there with just us. It was so peacefull and relaxing and I needed that after the weird days before.

When the rest of the gang arrived we were there to see them and talk, laugh and have fun. I really miss seeing some of these people all winter. It's strange how I spend all summer seeing them and then winter rolls around and we see them very rarely. I wish we had a house because I'd have a winter open house for them all to drop by and say hi.

I really miss being on the motorcycle over the winter too. I wonder how I could bottle up the feeling of the winter, the smells of the sweet grasses, the sun on my head and shoulders, the hum of the motor and even the vibration of the bike. If I could I think I'd be a millionaire because there has to be more poeple like me.

Lemons

I had this whole post about lemons and craving them.

Really it was just to avoid that I'm having a difficult time right now. Sort of floundering and trying to get my feet on solid ground. Sometimes I'd love to post about it, but I'm afraid that people in my life will find it and it wouldn't be good.

So Im here. Hanging in.

He did it and I did it.

Pete did his IronButt Run in about 40 hours. 2098 miles all together. He was tired. He was worn out. So was I, from owrrying about him.

In my effort to keep my mind off of him, I shopped, went to a party, shopped, went to teh gym, shopped, cleaned and shopped.

I LOVED getting back to the gym and walking. I've done okay with my weight the last couple of months. Working out with the trainer in June/July definately gave me strength I didn't have before and definition. But I was lax in the cardio department. Now that we're home more I wanted to get back into the rythum of the gym before work. So Sunday I got up and argued internally about staying in bed or going. Much like the last week. Then I got on the scale. I'm up about 3 pounds since we left for vacation the end of July. That did it. I went and got on that treadmill for 50 minutes. All was well and I felt so good.

Then I went home and put grocerys away, cleaned and cooked. Somewhere along the line I angered my siatica. *sigh* I'm so frustrated. I want to and need to get back at this whole weight loss again.

The weekend

So keep Pete in your thoughts, because he's crazy.

No really.

He's leaving tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn or before dawn cracks. Either way he is headed to Fort Worth, TX. In one day. As in about 13-14 hours of riding on the motorcycle. Then he'll rest up in the comfy hotel that I found for him for the night (probably more like 6 hours). Whereby he'll get up and ride back to MN on Sunday.

Yes, you read it right. He's completing an IronButt Run. 2000 miles in 48 hours. Crazy. And doing it alone. Even more crazier. Luckily we've thought of ways for me to keep my sanity while he is gone. Like the new Facebook Places function so he can let me know just where he is at when he stops for gas , without actually having to take time to call me. Like my Dad's birthday surprose dinner on Saturday night to occupy my time. Like the various other things that I scheduled for myself: gym, shopping, groceries, baking, cooking, cleaning...

So if I look a little less hair filled on Monday or a little tired or mental, it's because my husband is crazy.

Here..there..everywhere

There I am. Sitting in the passenger seat of my husband's Harley in Yellowstone National Park in early August.

It's been both a long summer and a short summer. I feel like we squeezed so much in and yet could have done so much more. We just got back from the annual trip last week. Next weekend is the last real campout with the motorcycle club. And we're tentatively planning a trip to Georgia/North Carolina in September.

I say tentatively because Pete is once again laid off. They actually called him the last day of our vacation to tell him. He had a really good attitude, but is losing that quickly. And really, who can blame him? he's had some calls about jobs and enquired about other jobs. We're both hopeful that he will find something quick.

As for the gym, well...honestly it's been in the back of my mind. I think I've gained 2-3 pounds in the last couple of months. It's not bad considering the lack of work outs. I have gained muscle working with the trainer at the gym. But clearly I have not bee in healthy eating/workout mde the last couple of months. I need to get back to it now that we will be mostly home again.

I'm still here

Horrible about posting in the summer, but still here. I have list to share and need to get back on track with healthy eating/working out. I'll be back soon, promise.

Sigh

No gym this morning.

When we got home yesterday I was wiped out. I helped unpack the tent-camper and set it up to dry in the garage. I went up and started all the laundry. Then I crashed. Sometimes when I decide to take a nap I think it's more about relaxing than sleep. Yesterday it was all about sleep. I slept and slept and slept for about 2.5 hours.

When I got up I was on the go again. More wash, store for dinner, grilling dinner, more wash. I had hoped to wear myself out. Only it didn't happen. I was awake until 1 or 1:30. But I got a high score in Bejeweled. (insert wry grin)

So I try again tomorrow. I figure that by tonight I'll be wiped out again and sleep will come easily. Then I can get up early tomorrow and get some gym time in.

*******this is my 8:10pm edit:
Pete and I just walked 2 miles after dinner. He actually had to slow me down. In the past it's been me slowing him down. I'm worried about him.

I'm struggling

in more ways than one.

Firstly I promise to do better in blogging. I feel better when I blog, when I let all the stuff in my head out. When I read it back and come to different, but not necessarily better conclusions. Admittedly it's gonig to be more of a struggle. Work has blooked blogs through the server. So I can have 20 minutes of blogs a day. Part of me wants to use the 20 minutes to enter my blog. Part of me thinks that the 20 minutes I spend on there will end up logged somewhere in a log book to people using the internet for their own purpose. So my blogging will end up being the small chances I jump on at home and from the application on my iPhone.

Secondly I'm struggling with the weight thing. I have pretty well maintained for the last 45 days despite the not working out and not eating as well as I was before. I knew it would be hard. I knew that it would be a struggle. But I'm wondering if I didn't underestimate how much.

I'm not nearly as motivated to exercise. Not nearly. I think 6-7 days a week is likely not something that I can maintain. I think that I can do 4-5 days a week though. Exercising in the morning before work is about the only time that I can fit it in. So it's my new goal for June. I figure that setting up a tent and taking it down and walking around at campouts on the weekend will count for something. This coming weekend I'll try bringing workout clothes and walk in the moring while the guys are at breakfast in the moring and then get a shower in.

I also need to figure out what exactly is causing me to have sciatic issues on my left side. My back is sore today, but It could be partly from the hard matress in the camper. I'm hoping that asteady walking this week will work that out and I'll be able to get it figured out.

Food. What I loaded thing. I need it, but I want it too much. I do ok during the week. I'm not perfect and I indulge like I wasn't indulging previously. This weekend's campout made one thing absolutely clear. I cannot resist the food that is there. For breakfast today I had two bars that were bownies on the bottom and the chocolate covered rice crispies on the top with mashmellow in the middle. Clearly not a breakfast that is either good for me or one that is sustaining. I think though, that if I plan it out a bit better with food that I bring I can manage better. I may eat a bit more than I should, but at least it's food that I should be eating, not crap.

In all, I've maintained at least 22 pounds lost in the last couple of months. It's not the 25 I had at my lowest, but it's something. I just need to get back to figuring out what works for me and stick to it again.

I guess, now that I think about it, it's always going to be a struggle. Eating healthy and working out. But it's a struggle that I'm willing to go through and one that will get easier the longer I'm in it.

Wind

Pete and set out on the bikes at 9 am. About 5 miles from home we stopped for gas and Pete asked if I was sure I wanted to go. I told him i thought the weather would clear and that I wanted to go.

25 mikes from home we had to take shelter from the coming rain. We spent the next 2.5 hours in a gas station trying to wait it out. When it finally started clearing we debated about continuing or going home. Pete pointed out that we were already that far, may as well continue.

So we did. 30 minutes later o admitted defeat. The winds are 20-25, but gusting to 40. The last stretch of road left me ehite knuckled. There were a few times I didn't think I would stay upright.

So here I sit, at a Walmart feeling guilty. Pete road my bike home to get the car for me. So he'll have done the 1.25 hot ride 4 times today. He lives me and I am grateful he's so understanding.

unexplained absence

First the cyst. Then I injured my back. Then complications with the cyst. Then work blocked all blogs.

It seemed like the deck was stacked against me.

I haven't worked out because of the medical issues. Only that changes today. I'm back to the gym tonight to start back in working out. I've still been losing weight, which is good. But all I can think about is how much I would have lost if I had still been working out.

Miserable

Short and sweet I'm pretty miserable right now. My cyst has grown so much that it's split open the top couple of layers of skin. There is nothing they can do about it at this point. I just need to limit my movements so the skin isn't any more stretched and keep it covered. It hurts and I'm scared. Splitting skin isn't really a good thing.

To top it off, my back is worse. I thought that I had pulled something or stretched something in the last couple of weeks. It owuld hurt to hurt for longer periods of time. Putting my chin to my chest caused pain down the back of my left butt and thigh. This morning it was more sore than usual and I was trying to get dressed and I twisted or something. It hurts to sit, stand, walk, lay, pretty much everything.

I feel pretty miserable and defeated. I'm scared that all the hard work in the last few months will disappear and I'll gain all the weight back.

My Wishes

Lately I've been thinking about what I have a house. Honestly I don't know why I've been thinking that. The townhouse we're in is where we're going to be at for a while. It's valued at about 65% of what I paid for it 4 years ago so we're upside down for now.

Maybe it's spring with all the things blooming around me. Or maybe it's Reese Dixon and reading about the house she was leaving and the house she went to. Or maybe it's because I've been reading about the things that The Pioneer Woman has been buying and planting. Or maybe it's because I just long for a space that I can call my own to mold into what I want.

I know that I want to plant some Lily of the Valley by my fictious house. I love the smell of them this time of the year. Actually I love the smell anytime. My parents have some in front of their house and they've tried to get rid of them several times and they slowly find their way back to life. They also had ferns in the planting beds and although they wanted those at one time, they now don't and can't get rid of those either. I can't help loving the smell and the delicate nature of the lily of the valley.







I know that I want a flowering crab apple tree in my yard. Several of them in fact. I love the beautiful blooms this time of year. She shockingly pink blooms against the blue of the spring skies. My Grandma had one in the side yard for years. Beautiful pink blooms that when they fell, you'd swear it was snowing pink. I spent many Mother's Day gatherings at her house in the backyard looking at that tree.





I know that I want a hedge of lilacs in my backyard. Have you ever looked at the individual lilac blossom? It's 4 petals and they are so dainty and perfect and so...lilac colored. I have always loved the smell of the lilac and even tried to get my parents to give up some of their bushes for my old house. About 2 years ago Pete and I were walking at Centennial Lakes and I pulled off some individual blossoms and commented how pretty they were.



What else do I want? I know that I want a large kitchen and a bathroom big enough for Pete and I. I want a garage for all the toys and a sunporch or deck to sit out on in summer evenings. Pete? He considers a house a "good house" if you can walk naked in your backyard without neighbors seeing you and getting upset. That's his definition of a great house.

Obsession

I can see how people become obsessive. I've mentioned previously about how I 'worry' my rings. I pull them off and on my finger to see how easily they go off and on again to judge where I am in my weight loss. I slide my watch on and off to do the same thing. The feeling that I get when those things come off easily and slide easily back on is addictive. It's addictive that I do it probably 30 times a day.

In the last couple of weeks I haven't been working out regularly. Life, as they say, has gotten in the way.

I've become even more addicted to my rings and my watch. I listen to people talk and slide them. I watch TV and slide them. I read something on my computer and slide them. I wonder what others think?

The watch? It's gotten tighter. I can't slidfe it off as easily as I could a week ago. The rings? They still slide easily. In fact, if I'm cold and I put my hands in water, my rings are in danger of sliding off themselves.

But I can see how people become obsessive about it all.

the bump

Ok, I know that when you look at this picture, it doesn't seem like much. But it hurts. :(

The scar in the middle of the bump is about 1 inch top to bottom. The white line was red and raised a few milimeters to the touch. The bump is about 1 inch wide from edge to edge and top to bottom. It's raised about 1/4-1/2 inch from my chest.

I got a referral to the plastic surgeon on Thursday. I need this thing out.

On hold

I feel like I'm on hold lately. I had great momentum in February and March with working out and eating. In the last couple of weeks I feel like I'm on hold. It's making me nervous. I don't want to lose momentum with working out. I don't want to lose the push to get to the gym and do it.

My cyst is pulled so tight that I can't do much of anything. I finally found a plastic surgeon who can see me on Thursday. I'm hoping that I can get the thing taken out soon and get back at it.

HI/Low

Did you ever play that game as a kid? What was your one/two/three high points of the day and the same for the low points. I learned about it as an adult. I suppose that in a round about way we did this at the dinner table each night with my parents, it just wasn't structured the same.

At any rate, here I go:

Weekend Low Points: 1. Migraine. The imitrex only made me feel worse. So much worse that at this point, I'd rather suffer with the migraine. 2. My sebaceous cyst (warning, pictures on the link) is back. It's located on my breastbone. I had it taken out 2 years ago and the result was one raised, red, hard scar about 1 inch in length. I massaged the heck out of that scar, but the surgeon just did a really bad job on it and nothing I did made it go away. I wanted to have a plastic surgeon look at it and I guess now I'll get my chance. It's about the size of a marble currently. And not only is it pressing on my breastbone, but it's pressing out against the skin, pulling the scar flat and hurting the skin. It's making it impossible to lift weights will my arms and walking/running/elliptical is difficult because it hurts to breath fast.

Weekend High Points: 1. I fit into my pants, tops, motorcycle jackets and chaps that I bought when Pete bought his bike 2 years ago. It's a relief to be able to wear those things. It's a boost to keep doing what I'm doing. And frankly, I just feel better about myself. 2. Pete decided on Friday that we should take all 4 nieces/nephews to the MOA and Nick Universe on Saturday. So we did. They were wonderful! And we all had fun. My niece Alison is such a little daredevil - just like her mom at that age. She went on all the big rollercoasters with Pete and LOVED them all!

Grant on the left, Matthew walking a little ahead of him, Pete and Allie. Alison must be running ahead of Pete.

Alison, Grant and Allie on the Thomas the Train ride. Grant is OBSESSED with Thomas and wanted to go up front and say hi to him. The ride girl had to shepard him back to the cars to get on.

I know it's not the best picture, but look at the smiles! You can tell they all had find on this ride, no matter their ages. Matthew, Allie, Alison & Grant.

And finally, because I actually like the picture that Alison took of me...Me.