Friday, June 28, 2013

Friday Five; Random Edition

1.  This was a hard week, but I got through it.  With love, support, a bit of chocolate cake, motorcycle rides and my husband.

2.  I got up this morning at 7am.  I have a 20 minute drive and have to be to work at 8am.  Surprisingly I was on time.  But I almost went to work with black & white top, red scarf and blue capris.  Good think I looked at myself in the car before I drove off so I could change.

3.  We are leaving for a weekend with the motorcycle club at noon.  I'm so excited to sleep outside, do some riding and catch up with friends. 

4.  My band area seems to have settled down.  But I seem to have a bit of acid reflux when I eat and sugar on an empty tummy is no bueno.

5.  Love on someone this weekend.  Hug them, give them a peck, give a smile or something to show love.  It's my assignment for you...

Thursday, June 27, 2013

192; 3 cc's

So yesterday.  Yesterday.

Yesterday I went to see my gastric band doctor.  I weighed 3 pounds more by their scale than I do at home.  But like I said before, they frown on naked weighing in the doctor's office.  We talked about how the band has been and that I feel like it's where I want to be with the band.

Then we got serious.  Surgery.  She was very sympathetic.  I was teary. 

I told her how scared I was to not be able to exercise like I want to for probably a year.  I told her that I needed to take some fluid from the bad so it was less restrictive so that it wasn't a complication after surgery.  I told her I was scared that something would happen to the tubing from the band to the port and it would need to be replaced at a later date.

And she listened.  She nodded.  She answered my questions and told me it would all be ok.  If the tubing had to be cut, they'd put a new port in and not to worry about it.  She said my body needs time to heal so don't worry about not working out like mad for months on end.  She said we could take as much or as little fluid out as I felt comfortable with. 

And I exhaled.  I didn't realize that I had been holding my breath.  She suggested 2 cc's of fluid and I asked for 3 just to be safe.  The last thing I need is sticking or issues when I'm already in pain. 

This is what 3 cc's looks like.

Then I went back to work and went home to Pete.  He also calmed me and reminded me that my weight is going to fluctuate.  With surgery and excess fluid and healing and not moving.  It's going to go up likely, but will come back down as I get more mobile.

So this morning I tested the band.  I ate half an apple fritter on the way to work.  Oh it was so freaking good!  The crispy fried edges with the sugary glaze.  Yup.  It's been a long time since I had one and it was glorious.

Until about 30 minutes later when I felt hot, clammy and light headed enough to stop my conversation with a co-worker and sit in a chair in case I passed out.  So sugar?  That appears to be no good for me.  So maybe the checks and balances of the band and my body are still there?  Maybe I shouldn't worry about overeating  or eating the wrong things in the next 12 days before surgery?  My body will check me, whether I like it or not!

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

191.2; I Can't Do It Myself

Remember when you were a toddler?  Yeah, me neither.

But if you've been around toddlers who are figuring out things, you know their classic response "I can do it all by myself."  They have this sense of superiority of the world that we somehow lose as we age.  It's not that they can do it all on their own.  They have this ultimate belief in themselves and their ability to tackle any new task because they're learning at such a fast rate.

What they don't know and we adults do know, is that we're not invincible.  We don't know everything there is to know.  And we can't do it all, all the time, by ourselves.  While I know that this is true, I still have a hard time with it.  I was single for so much of my life that I did everything myself or it really didn't get done.  My parents both worked and I hated asking my Dad for help because he was tired at the end of the day.  I hated asking my Mom because her Lymphodema prevented her from helping and she would feel bad.  I didn't like asking my sister because she has her own family.

My Motto:  I Can Do It All By Myself.

What I've come to realize is that I can't.  Or shouldn't have to.  Over the years with Pete by my side, I've learned that it's ok to ask him for help.  That I can share with him what's going on in my head.  And truly that part of a marriage is the give and take of sharing.  He feels proud and helpful when I ask him for help.  He loves doing things for me to show me that he can and that he loves me.  He likes hearing what's going on in my head, because he wants to understand and help shoulder my worries.

But this surgery?  This is going to be unlike anything.  Not only will I need help with the stuff I'd normally ask for help with, but I think I'm going to need help with almost everything.  And I already feel guilty.  It's a lot to ask someone to work 30 hours a week and take care of you the rest of those hours in a week.  It's a lot to ask my Mom or my sister to come to my house and stay with me while Pete is gone.  It's a lot to ask my Dad to help walk up/dopwn stairs when I can't do it myself. 

So I've been trying to think of little things that I can do in advance to show them how much I care.  I don't have much time and my money is sucked up by all the things getting ready for this.  So, I think I'm going to get some cards, write in them and then get some little $5 gift cards for gas, coffee, Nook books or whatever I can find.  Because I know, I can't do it all myself.

Changing Habits

Tuesday was a shitty day.  No other way to put it.  I was having anxiety attacks at work about surgery and all that goes into it.  I was down to 2 weeks prior to surgery and feeling it physically.

I had a coworker come into my office after our weekly meeting and tell me that next week would be my last weekly meeting.  How ironic, since that's exactly what I was feeling and exactly what I explained in Tuesday's post.  So I told her that I was having anxiety over "lasts".

Her response:  All we ever do here anymore is talk about you and your surgery.

I was immediately ashamed.  Ashamed that I was dominating conversation.  Ashamed that I would have made anyone feel uncomfortable by over sharing.  I already felt guilty for leaving my coworkers down a person for so long.  I feel guilty being a burden to anyone.  I was shocked and clammed up and changed the conversation.

But it sat there, that sentence.  It sat in my brain and marinated all day.  I wondered if I had been so very imposing?  Or was there more to the comment?  Was it just thoughtless?  At about 4:15 pm, I couldn't stand it any longer and I emailed some of my coworkers, the ones that I see daily.  If she thought this and was only here about 1 day every 6 days, then they must feel it more so.

Then I told Pete about it by text and told him that I needed a ride.  So we did.  180 miles, sun on my shoulders, wind in my face, open road before me and arms wrapped around Pete...we rode. 
On the way home I realized that this was a turning point.  In the past, had this same thing happened, I would have gone home, buried my head in my covers and ate my way through reality TV all night.  Instead I turned to something non food related to soothe my soul.  It didn't even occur to me to eat that night, in fact I wasn't hungry at all.  Maybe my habits really are changing? 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

192; Anxiety Attack At Work

I'm currently at work.  Tuesday morning.  Breathing through an anxiety attack.

Yesterday I had to fill out Family Leave Medical Act paperwork for Human Resources.  I had to have my doctor fill out a portion of it.  When he faxed it back, the nosy receptionist received it and brought it to me.  I'm sure all of my department knows about it by now.

This morning I started filling in my time sheets for my leave.  That's when the anxiety started.  My racing heart along with the short hallow breathing.  I'm trying to lengthen the breaths but it does nothing for the racing heart.  Nothing.  Each little step in this journey seems to cause a new anxiety and a new question or concern or issue that I need to address.  It's overwhelming and seems endless.  Or maybe that's why I'm having anxiety?  Because I know this portion of the journey is coming to a close and the surgery/painful phase is approaching.

I feel as though I'm mounting a list of "lasts".  The last time I'll see coworkers.  The last time I'll dress in my current clothes.  The last time I sleep in bed with Pete.  The last time I'll see my breasts.  The last time I'll see my motorcycling friends.  The last time I'll cuddle with my puppy.  Lasts.  Too many.  And they make me teary just thinking about them, so I can't imagine actually doing them.  I need to invest in kleenex.

I've been thinking a lot about the pain.  I can't help it after hearing that nurse's comment last week.  I'm no stranger to pain with the multiple TMJ surgeries and daily pain from that.  But it's different because it's a pain I know; a pain that I'm used to.  (Breathe)  I can't imagine the amount of pain and when I try to mentally prepare I cry.  Full out tears.  It's so miserable to be in pain and not feeling good.  It's miserable for a day or so, but a week or weeks?  I'm worried about it.  I know I can't avoid it.  I know.  But I'm worried that the pain will be overwhelming.  I'm worried that my pain and issues will overwhelm Pete. 

So before I make this anxiety worse, I'm going to leave it at that.  My raw emotions and thoughts for today.

Monday, June 24, 2013

191; Cuddling

Saturday night, long after dark, Pete and I lay in bed.  (don't worry, hang with me here...)  He has the left side of the bed and I have the right.  Nico, the 20 pound mini schnauzer usually takes up the foot of my side.  Saturday night, everyone was in their spots, waiting for sleep.  Nico's usually the only one who varies his spot or cuddles up against someone.

But I cuddled up to Pete.  I put my hand on his back and lay next to him and felt him breathing.  And we talked until we fell asleep.  I call it the darkness talking.  (again, don't worry, it's not that.)  It's the deeply personal, tell me your fears and I'll tell you mine and we'll comfort each other kind of talking.

I asked him to keep the scar tissue in my right breast from the biopsy and tell me if he thought it was scar tissue or something else.  It does feel long and cylindrical, like the needle inserted.  But my fear has been that what I have in me is actually cancer and that this biopsy somehow awakened it.  And I shared that with Pete.  I shared that not a day goes by that I don'/t worry that I have cancer, not just the precancerous cells.  Pete assured me that everything would be fine and that he was there with me every step of the way.  He reminded me that if the doctors were concerned about it, they would have moved surgery up and not let me wait so long.  It all makes sense when he says it. 

So we lay there, my hand on his back, next to one another, with the dog at my feet, until we fell asleep.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

192; The Things People Say

So firstly, did you hear that obesity is now a diagnosis?   It's believed that over 1/3 of the US is obese; obesity means 35 pounds overweight or BMI of 30+.  Do you know that my BMI is currently 29?  I'm not obese per that standard, but I am still considered overweight.

I believe that this is a good thing, this diagnosis.  Why?  Because more insurance companies should be making treatment for obseity coverable.  And I'm not talking about just surgery.  I'm talking about regular appointments with a dietician to track eating habits/patterns, gym memberhips, trainers at the gym, exercise classes...all things that should help with weight.

What do you think?

So yesterday...

My Keurig stopped brewing a full cup of coffee.  I need to get that thing fixed.  I love it for coffee, tea, and heating water up.  Because of this I stopped a the gas station for regular coffee yesterday.  I've said before that I was a coffee/donut junkie.  When I tried to quit it meant that I could not stop for gas in the morning because I'd be tempted to get that damn donut too.  Needless to say, I had "MY" gas station for all this on the way to work.

So yesterday I stopped for coffee and the lady at the register says "Holy shit!"  And I looked around, thinking that something was happening behind me.  Turns out she was surprised at how much weight I lost.  She asked how I did it and I told her and we chatted at bit.

I have to admit that it boosted my morning.  Her noticing me.  Then I realized that if she noticed me, thin when others say that it's hard to recognize me in before photos, I frequented that place A LOT.  As in I believe I was there every weekday for a year.  Those donuts alone are thousands and thousands of calories that I was consuming daily.  Very good/bad kind of morning.

Then I went to my pre-op physical with my doctor.  I've had the same doctor for 15 years and she's had the same nurse.  I know them both well and love seeing them.  Not yesterday.

The nurse asked me what kind of surgery I was having and I started explaining the whole thing.  She commented that it was 3 weeks away.  My pulse increased and I became teary eyed.  Then she took my BP and that too was high because I was anxious and fighting tears.

Then she said it. 

"Oh wow. You're having all that done at one time? You're going to be in a lot of pain for a long time afterwards."

Really?  You're a 55+ year old nurse with bedside manner like that?  I stared open mouth and she went right back to what she was doing.  Up until yesterday I think I had put out of my mind the pain and soreness afterwards.  Now it's all I can think of. 

Good thing my doctor gave me Ambien until surgery so I'm not up all night thinking about the pain. 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

193; Giveaway Winners

Amy @ Write This Down is the winner of the Kiki La'Rue Give Certificate.

AshZ is the winner of the Target Gift Card.

Congratulations!  Amy, send me an email to for the information about the gift certificate.

I hope that I spurred someone to check up on something that makes them healthier that's a little more out of the box than exercise and eating right.

As for me?  I've put going to the gym on the back burner and focused more on eating good and just doing the things that I need to get done.  Today is my pre-op physical.  Next week I have to go get some fluid taken out of the gastric band so there are no issues with eating after surgery when my abdomen will be swollen and irritated. 

I'm still working on getting wedge pillows, possibly renting an electric recliner to sleep in after surgery.  I had to ask my Mom for help after surgery and that was hard.  I like to do things on my own and being dependent on someone else is really really hard for me.  I'm better about this with Pete, but still have troubles with asking for help from family and friends. 

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

193; What Really Happens on Girls Night

So my weight?  It's staying where it is.  I've been eating better the last week and just being active when I can.  I need to let something go to success in other things.

Girls Night.  In the car, I asked Alison how she heard about girls night.  She said that she learned it from her Mom.  So I asked what happens on Girls Night?  She said that usually you go play Bunco at someones house, have a beer and gossip while eating.  Pretty funny.  She's a nonstop talker so when she's in the car with me, she talks about anything and everything.  This time she confessed that Grandpa let her ride in the front seat from her house to their house and that Grandma was mad about it.  Then Grandpa scolded her for telling Grandma because it was a secret.  He should know by now that Alison's slips are like a colander - eventually most things slip out.

So we had dinner at PF Changs and Alison got her birthday dessert:

Then we went shopping.  To good stuff, right?  Charming Charlie too most of Alison's money on a bag to bring back and forth to her summer activities, along with nail polish and some cute other things.  She was eyeing a little purse for her phone that I may go back and get her for her present.  

Then we went into the Dollar Store or was it the Dollar Tree?  Anyway, I hadn't been in one of those in years.  Did you know that you can get a marijuana test for $1?  Alison was in her glory there, buying some word finds and some sunflower seeds. 

Then we window shopped at  DSW where Alison tried on 4 inch heels and some fuzzy slippers. 

She deemed it a successful Girls Night and wants to do it again soon.  I deemed it a success too.  Spending time with her and my Mom and Sister was fun and I'm glad that Alison encourages it.

Monday, June 17, 2013

???: Girls Night and Light Eating

Reminder, only a short time left for the Giveaway!

So tonight is girls night with my Mom, Sister and niece.  Alison will be 11 on Wednesday and this is what she wants for her birthday.  But she has no clue what women do on Girl's Night Out.  Should be interesting.

So I got back into food prep for lunches.  I'm in the office the next 3 weeks with no real ability to leave for lunches.  I stocked up on fresh fruit/veg from Costco and my local grocery.

Monday:  Have you every tried Evol Foods?  I bought some on sale and they're pretty good!  Today I had a chicken burrito, an ounce of feta cheese and 1/2 cup grapes

Tuesday: Lunch meeting in the community somewhere

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday:  Flax pita toasted with a slice of turkey, an ounce of feta.  Sliced cucumbers and tomatoes.

I also bagged up portions of fresh berries, grapes and melon to keep for snacks and plan on having yogurt with flax, chia and raw coconut for breakfast.

Friday, June 14, 2013

??; Friday Fives

Reminder:  get your entries done for my giveaway:  Giveaway Post

1.  I'm working from home today.  Yay!  All I needed to do to be able to get to telework is possibly have cancer (joke).

2.  Pete's best friend is here from Texas.  I love seeing him and I love that he's there for Pete to listen and support him.

3.  Pete make me breakfast at my desk this morning.  Awesome deal, don't you think?

4.  Monday I'm having a Girls Night Out with my niece.  She turns 11 next week and she wanted a girls day with me, my sister and my mom.  She doesn't know what happens on a girls day/night, but she wants one.  Cute, huh?

Last day of elementary school.
5.  I have about 3 weeks to surgery and my list of "To Dos" is getting longer and longer.  But I'll get it all done.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013


So I want to do a couple of things. 

Firstly I want to bring awareness to health.  Not just eating better or exercising.  But taking charge of your health and making sure that you're getting regular check ups.  So I'm going to challenge you to go to the CDC's Site About Check Ups and find something, one thing, that you need done.  Is it an annual genealogical appointment?  Annual mammogram?  Annual mole check? Annual cholesterol check up?  Whatever it is, schedule it now.

Secondly I want to challenge every woman who reads this to do a self breast exam.  This is near to me because of my history with breast cancer.  If you don't know how to do one, ask your doctor.  Or read the directions at The American Cancer Society website.

Thirdly I want you to check out Kiki La'Rue.  Becka is near to my heart after the wonderful way she treated me in December when I ordered from her the first time.  I've followed her store growing and her big heart ever since.  I have several pieces from her store that I love.

Lastly, I have a giveaway.  Actually two!

The first is $30 to Kiki La'Rue!  And $20 to Target.  All you have to do is follow along with the directions below.  The giveaway will end on Tuesday 6/18/13.  I'll announce a winner of the Kiki La'Rue Gift Certificate and a second winner will get the $20 to Target.  So make sure that you check back!

And don't forget to check out Weigh In Wednesday!

Pretty Strong Medicine

{Disclaimer:  Becka from Kiki La'Rue is sponsoring a portion of this giveaway and Target has no freaking clue who I am other than I go in for milk and come out the owner of new bedding and new earbuds that I didn't know I needed OR I go in for strawberries and end up with one Target bag, minus $150 and no clue where I parked.}

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

192; It's a Good Day

Remember tomorrow I'm going to announce my first giveaway!  Yikes!

So yesterday I spend the afternoon with a friend I've had for a long time.  And while we talked about our college days, we also talked about her daughter's first year of college.  Then I felt old.  But we laughed and smiled and had a good time.  She says that as soon as we started making plans to get together she knew that something was up.  Either I was moving or pregnant or divorcing or something.  Funny how friends sense that.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening, relaxing and reading with the dog.  Pete had plans.  It was a great day that I started out at the gym.  It feels good when I get there, it's just that getting there is harder than it has been.  Truth:  while Pete was gone I had a light dinner.  But then directly afterwards I had 2 small scoops of ice cream with a spoon of fudge sauce and PB chips.  I felt guilty immediately afterwards.

This morning I got to work and finished up a few things.  Then my boss told me that my laptop was in already.  Which means that as of tomorrow I am teleworking.  I am excited.  I want to go home and rearrange the extra bedroom for my office and get set up.  You can bet that tomorrow morning as soon as the IT guy leaves my office I'll be headed home to set up and start working.  Too bad that I Thursday is my day to answer incoming calls and next Monday starts my 3 weeks of officer of the day duties.  But it will be nice to have it set up prior to returning after surgery.  Then I can be sure to have it there when I feel like working for the first few weeks.

Remember to come back tomorrow for Weigh In Wednesday and my Giveaway!

Monday, June 10, 2013

Monday - Throwing In The Towel

I'm giving in.  I'm realizing that I can't do it all and that's ok.

After going to the gym last Saturday - Monday I spent the rest of the week not going at all.  In fact, it's Sunday night as I write this and I didn't go all weekend either.  I have really really good intentions and plans and internal pep talks.

But it's not happening. 

And I realized today that I have to let it go for now.  Not the whole eating/living/working out healthy thing.  Not that at all.  But I have to let go of the me that went to the gym 5-6 days a week and ate chicken/fish and fresh veg for meals. 

And that's ok.

I can't fit everything in right now.  It's not that I'm doing other things when I'm not at the gym, usually I'm sleeping or just at home.  It's that I have too much on my plate mentally to beat myself up over getting to the gym daily.  It's that I have some hard times currently and ahead of me and I'm not going to beat myself up if I have a piece of cake.  It's that I need to focus on the things that I can do currently and be ok with letting the rest of it go.

*big sigh*

Right now I have to tell myself that my goal of losing more weight is on hold for now.  My goal now is to maintain what I've got and work on getting myself set up for surgery and recovery.  It's a hard thing to accept.  And it's scary to think that my goal is something other than losing after having such success for the last few years.  But mentally I can't take it any longer.  I need to give myself permission to let that go for now.

Friday, June 07, 2013

; Friday Five, The Random Edition (link up!)

I found another blogger who does Friday Fives!  So I'm linking up with The Good Life Blog for this post.

1.  I am freaking excited because I'm going to host my first giveaway next week.  I'm a giveaway virgin and I can't wait to explain it all to you on June 12th.

2.  A CT Scan with Contrast is yucky.  Trust me.  It's not the scan it's self, it's the contrast solution that gives you this lovely metallic taste for hours.  Maybe it's a new way to stop me form eating?

3.  I'm in love...with this product:
Naked Skin by Urban Decay
I have oily skin and have been using the primer from Smashbox for years and it's worked great.  But with the new BB creams that have been coming out I realized that I wanted something with tint.  So a trip to Sephora and a wonderful girl helping me out and I have a new favorite primer.

4.  Rings. 
Watch: Target, Leather bracelet: Kohls, Gold bracelet: long ago gift from parents, Wedding rings: Kay Jewelers both from the case and custom, Heart rings:  Kohls
Can you see all those rings on my wedding ring finger?  They are an attempt to make it so that my wedding rings don't fall off on me.  I'm not quite there for getting them resized because I'll only have 1 chance.  So I've been wearing other rings to hold them on, but those rings are too big too.  I feel naked without my rings (anyone else feel that way?  Or is it just me?)  I need to find a single band that is my size that I can wear.  Trouble is that I'm a 5.25 or 5.5 and those aren't found in department stores and I don't want to spend a bunch of money at a jeweler.

5.  I'm meeting one of my college friends on Monday for lunch.  She is a teacher/administrator who lives about 3 1/2 hours from me.  We don't see each other often, but when we get together a few times a year, it's like we were last together yesterday.  Do you have friends like that?  This is us last June for her daughter's high school graduation. (I'm so freaking old that I have friends who's children have completed school!  Is 43 old?)
Stacy and I, summer 2012.  College room mates and forever friends.
Remember, I'd been riding a motorcycle for 3 hours at this point.  I'm so excited to see her!

Thursday, June 06, 2013

191; Pete's Progress

This morning I checked my Facebook and there was a photo of Pete tagged.  I stared at it for a good long while because it's so amazing to see how far he's come.  This is the photo:
It think it's from 4 years ago.  We were riding out to a motorcycle event.  We have a daring shutterbug who takes photos from his camera mounted on the handlebars.  He was probably about 330 pounds then.

This was from September 2010, the same year.  We were in North Carolina a the Biltmore tour.  He was carrying my wine because I was too tipsy to trust myself.  This is the trip that made him really think about his weight and consider the gastric band.  He was tired of losing the weight, getting burned out from the drastic exercising and then gaining it back.  He said that the car ride (we drove from MN to NC, SC, GA & TN, then back home) was uncomfortable and when the car was uncomfortable he knew that he had to do something.

This is Pete now:
We had lunch with my niece last month.  See how small his face is?  This is the whole him:
Amazing, isn't it?  Truly amazing. 

2 years out, he's kept his weight within about 10 pounds of where he wants to be.  He feels best at about 180-185.  But at that weight, he looks somewhat thin, but that may be because we were all so used to how "full" he looked when he was overweight.  He goes through periods of exercising 6 days a week and then will burn out and stop for a couple of weeks and then go back to exercising, but in a different way.  The difference between before and now is that with the band, he's reminded not to over eat when he take a break form working out.  He also doesn't let himself get above a certain weight and starts working out again when it gets close to it.

Bottom line is that he no longer snores, he doesn't need blood pressure meds and his blood sugars aren't high.  He will likely always struggle with consistent exercise (as will I) and cycle on and off the gym to take breaks.  But he's healthy, he's happy and he looks awesome!

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

192: WIW and A Strange Realization

It's that time of week again!
Pretty Strong Medicine
Like I said earlier in the week, I managed to gain 4 pounds and lose 4 pounds over the weekend.  I blame the weather or something.  But I'm back in the 190s.  (I don't understand...)  If you've never checked out the sponsors of Weigh In Wednesday or the other bloggers, go do it.  There's some wonderful motivators out there.

So Monday.  Monday I returned to Body Pump after not doing it for over 60 days (closer to 90 I think).  I went down in bar weight/hand weights from what I had been doing when I left.  It felt good to lift weights, to get my heart rate up and to burn calories.  I spent 41% of my hour there in fat burn according to my Polar watch. 

Monday night I crashed fast asleep about oh, 6:30pm.  (facepalm)  Woke up about 8:30pm, just in time to wipe the drool, do a few things around the house, watch the early news and go to bed.  Only I didn't sleep (of course).

Tuesday I was SOOOOOORRRRRE. My pecs were screaming, so clearly I've learned how to activate those lazy muscles.  My legs protested each stair at work and my booty wasn't happy sitting or walking.  YES!  The feeling I crave.  The one that keeps me going back for more weights.  The one that reminds me with each move that I did something; I was active; I RULE!

But Tuesday afternoon I went to push a door open and internally realized something weird.  My sore pecs and core/abdomen muscles?  These are the areas that are going to be sore after surgery.  So pushing the door was hard Tuesday, how hard would it be afterwards?  Would I even be able to open the door to the garage with the autocloser?  Could I slide the slider door to the patio?  It's strange to think that these things that I take for granted every day will be hard for me for a period of time and I will have to retrain and regrow those muscles to work.

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

190; June Goals

Mel at 4Kottez Runs It posted her June goals yesterday and it spurred me to do the same.  I have both goals and things that I have to get done before I have this surgery.  So my list is a big old pile of both.

  1. Gym 4 days a week.  2 strength and at least 2 cardio.  The better shape I'm in, the easier surgery will be.
  2. Eat more yogurt and take vitamins every day.  The increase in vitamins and probiotics will again get me in better shape for surgery.
  3. Eat cleaner.  Kick the cake habit for now and go with the fruits and veggies.
  4. Deep clean the house.  If I'm going to be laid up for 6-8 weeks in the house, I want it clean first.
  5. Shop for the things I need post-surgery.
  6. Find one thing each week to do with Pete and the puppy-duppy to relax.
  7. Get in for a hair appointment before surgery.
  8. Mani/pedi before surgery.
  9. Clean my office at work and declutter.
  10. Remind myself to live in grace.  Be mindful of my choices and let go of the things I can't change.

Monday, June 03, 2013

190; Nothing Comes Easy

I made good efforts to be active and get to the gym this weekend.  Both days I was out the door before 7am.  It felt good to be active. 

Last night I decided to relax in a bath.  I had been to the gym, actively doing things around the house and I wanted to make sure that I was promoting good sleep.  I had some lavender Epsom salt to soak in so it relaxed my muscles and my mind.  I took my Nook in and read a bit.  Then I submerged myself in the hot steamy water to relax. 

But then I had an anxiety attack.  I was laid out in that bathtub, floating a bit and staring at my tummy.  What if I regretted the choice I made with reconstruction?  My mind raced, my heart rate was out of control and I felt like I was drowning; like I couldn't breathe a breath.  No matter how I tried to calm myself it didn't work.  I had to get out of the bath and the bathroom.  I retreated to my bedroom and just sat there, trying to calm myself.  Eventually it went away.

But the thought, it's still there.  It stems from the fact that I feel like nothing comes easy to me in life.  From moving as a kid and having to find new friends as a shy kid, to being the tallest kid in school in 5th grade, to not finding a job after college, to taking 34 years to find Pete...  Nothing comes easy for me.  And while I know that everyone feels like this to a certain degree, I feel like it's more for me. 

So here I am, 43 years old and having a mastectomy because again, nothing comes easy.  And what if I regret the type of reconstruction I'm having?  Because it doesn't come easy?  What if something goes wrong with it?  What if I can't have it to begin with because the gastric band is in the way?

I really need this, of all things, to come easy for me.