I made good efforts to be active and get to the gym this weekend. Both days I was out the door before 7am. It felt good to be active.
Last night I decided to relax in a bath. I had been to the gym, actively doing things around the house and I wanted to make sure that I was promoting good sleep. I had some lavender Epsom salt to soak in so it relaxed my muscles and my mind. I took my Nook in and read a bit. Then I submerged myself in the hot steamy water to relax.
But then I had an anxiety attack. I was laid out in that bathtub, floating a bit and staring at my tummy. What if I regretted the choice I made with reconstruction? My mind raced, my heart rate was out of control and I felt like I was drowning; like I couldn't breathe a breath. No matter how I tried to calm myself it didn't work. I had to get out of the bath and the bathroom. I retreated to my bedroom and just sat there, trying to calm myself. Eventually it went away.
But the thought, it's still there. It stems from the fact that I feel like nothing comes easy to me in life. From moving as a kid and having to find new friends as a shy kid, to being the tallest kid in school in 5th grade, to not finding a job after college, to taking 34 years to find Pete... Nothing comes easy for me. And while I know that everyone feels like this to a certain degree, I feel like it's more for me.
So here I am, 43 years old and having a mastectomy because again, nothing comes easy. And what if I regret the type of reconstruction I'm having? Because it doesn't come easy? What if something goes wrong with it? What if I can't have it to begin with because the gastric band is in the way?
I really need this, of all things, to come easy for me.