Monday, June 03, 2013

190; Nothing Comes Easy

I made good efforts to be active and get to the gym this weekend.  Both days I was out the door before 7am.  It felt good to be active. 

Last night I decided to relax in a bath.  I had been to the gym, actively doing things around the house and I wanted to make sure that I was promoting good sleep.  I had some lavender Epsom salt to soak in so it relaxed my muscles and my mind.  I took my Nook in and read a bit.  Then I submerged myself in the hot steamy water to relax. 

But then I had an anxiety attack.  I was laid out in that bathtub, floating a bit and staring at my tummy.  What if I regretted the choice I made with reconstruction?  My mind raced, my heart rate was out of control and I felt like I was drowning; like I couldn't breathe a breath.  No matter how I tried to calm myself it didn't work.  I had to get out of the bath and the bathroom.  I retreated to my bedroom and just sat there, trying to calm myself.  Eventually it went away.

But the thought, it's still there.  It stems from the fact that I feel like nothing comes easy to me in life.  From moving as a kid and having to find new friends as a shy kid, to being the tallest kid in school in 5th grade, to not finding a job after college, to taking 34 years to find Pete...  Nothing comes easy for me.  And while I know that everyone feels like this to a certain degree, I feel like it's more for me. 

So here I am, 43 years old and having a mastectomy because again, nothing comes easy.  And what if I regret the type of reconstruction I'm having?  Because it doesn't come easy?  What if something goes wrong with it?  What if I can't have it to begin with because the gastric band is in the way?

I really need this, of all things, to come easy for me.

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