{191, 0 exercise today}
Firstly, I attended a support group yesterday. 4 women plus 2 peer educators. And although I'm so not a support group type of person, I enjoyed it. I initially texted Pete and I was going to slip out, but ended up being there for 3 hours and didn't realize it.
Every one of us was in a different place, yet I felt like I could identify with each of them in some small piece of their journey. One of them talked about feeling like she was crazy for making the choice to have surgery with no cancer (me too!). One of them talked about having a strong family history (me too!). One of them talked about not knowing what to do for reconstruction (me too!). One of them talked about not being positive for the gene but having family history (me too!). It was very encouraging and I'll keep going as they meet every 90 days.
I also realized how lucky I am to have the husband that I do. One of the women talked about not having reconstruction at all. She talked about having a beautiful tattoo done, much like this one. When she started showing the photos to her fiance, he was shocked. He was almost appalled that she wouldn't have breasts. It's caused some issues for them. Pete is the guy who says he supports me with any decision I make. He watched his Mom die after not being aggressive and reminds me that nothing matters other than having me with him for a long time. He's a keeper.
I met with the second plastic surgeon today. And he reaffirmed what I believe that I should do as far as reconstruction. I have a semi plan.
One thing that I discussed with all the surgeons was that I didn't want this life of healthiness to go away post surgery. I wanted to resume my normal activities, including the gym as soon as I could. He commented that I would fair better than most because of the exercising and the stronger core. And I believe that I blushed. I haven't been to the gym in 2 months. But that has to change. If I want the best outcome I need to spend the next 4-6 weeks preparing in every way possible, including the gym.
So I made a pact with Pete. He's going to support me by waking me up, even if I haven't slept very well. I'll go to the gym, do my best and hopefully after a rough week of tiredness, I'll get back in that rhythm. I'll be back in fighting mode. I'll be me again.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
It Hurts So Good
{191; 0 exercise today)
This weekend I nested. I've been reading more and more about post surgery and the things that you can and can't do. The more I do that, the more I see around the house that needs to be done so that I can truly relax and recuperate.
So I deep cleaned the whole 2nd floor. It's less impressive if I tell you that my townhouse is only about 1100 sf. So the 2nd floor is about 550 sf. It has 2 bedrooms, a bathroom and a laundry closet. I cleaned the closets and organized them. I stripped the beds and washed all bedding. I flipped the extra bed mattress and Pete and & took apart our Sleep Number and repositioned it and refilled it. I dusted all the stuff in our room and cleaned off the desk in the extra room. I vacuumed everything that was standing still, including the ceiling fans and dryer vents. I scrubbed the shower and the bathroom floor that the toilet. I also scrubbed and cleaned the bathroom on the main floor, postage stamp size that it is.
I also went grocery shopping and rand errands on Saturday. Did some prep for food for the week.
It was busy. And by last night I could feel that soreness that comes with working out muscles that have sat for too long. It occurred to me in the shower this morning that I miss that soreness. I desperately want to get back to working out. But again last night I didn't fall asleep until about 4am. There is no good workout on 1 hour of sleep. So I again slept in for 3 hours and headed to work. I need to suck it up instead of just talking about it.
Tonight I'm headed to a support group hosted by FORCE. I'm hoping to find some women who took some of the same steps that I did. Someone who can make me feel like I'm not crazy for thinking about this surgery. And I'm hoping I can talk to someone who had surgery with the doctors I'm meeting with or point me in the direction of another surgeon. Support groups really aren't my thing, but I want to try it out.
This weekend I nested. I've been reading more and more about post surgery and the things that you can and can't do. The more I do that, the more I see around the house that needs to be done so that I can truly relax and recuperate.
So I deep cleaned the whole 2nd floor. It's less impressive if I tell you that my townhouse is only about 1100 sf. So the 2nd floor is about 550 sf. It has 2 bedrooms, a bathroom and a laundry closet. I cleaned the closets and organized them. I stripped the beds and washed all bedding. I flipped the extra bed mattress and Pete and & took apart our Sleep Number and repositioned it and refilled it. I dusted all the stuff in our room and cleaned off the desk in the extra room. I vacuumed everything that was standing still, including the ceiling fans and dryer vents. I scrubbed the shower and the bathroom floor that the toilet. I also scrubbed and cleaned the bathroom on the main floor, postage stamp size that it is.
I also went grocery shopping and rand errands on Saturday. Did some prep for food for the week.
It was busy. And by last night I could feel that soreness that comes with working out muscles that have sat for too long. It occurred to me in the shower this morning that I miss that soreness. I desperately want to get back to working out. But again last night I didn't fall asleep until about 4am. There is no good workout on 1 hour of sleep. So I again slept in for 3 hours and headed to work. I need to suck it up instead of just talking about it.
Tonight I'm headed to a support group hosted by FORCE. I'm hoping to find some women who took some of the same steps that I did. Someone who can make me feel like I'm not crazy for thinking about this surgery. And I'm hoping I can talk to someone who had surgery with the doctors I'm meeting with or point me in the direction of another surgeon. Support groups really aren't my thing, but I want to try it out.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Swirling Whirling Randomness
{191.0; 0 minutes of exercise}
This is going to be more of a free word association post.
Clearly I need to start working out. My weight was down and now is back up. I'm in a cycle of I can't sleep and therefore it's difficult to get up in the morning to work out. Losing weight isn't easy and when you add other complications or issues in the difficulty is just magnified. I'm exhausted in the mornings and afternoons but can't fall asleep. I think it's the stress causing my body to be "ON" all the time and mentally going constantly. By the afternoon I could sleep for a couple of hours.
I met with the geneticist yesterday with my Mom and Sister. She calculated my risk of getting breast cancer to be 52%. It didn't shock me, in fact, I thought it would be higher. The new panel of genes that they can test for is very new. And as such, they don't know a lot about the panel and what recommendations they would make if we tested positive for any of them. If my Mom tested now, she would likely be part of the group of results who would be used to make recommendations in the future. While testing or nor won't change my decision, my Mom really wants to know. My Sister didn't think that she should test right now. So we decided that if my Mom's insurance wouldn't pay for it that we would skip the test at this point and wait a year or two to see where the testing was at that time.
I have an appointment today with a plastic surgeon and one next Tuesday with another. I'm nervous. I believe that my decision to have this surgery is solidified by that 52%. However, I am really unsure what type of reconstruction I want. I think I'd feel better if I had an idea of what I wanted going into this. But I have my notebook full of questions and hope I can get some direction.
Someone keeps calling our association about us playing out in the yard with our dog. (I told you this would be random) We keep him on a line when he's out by himself and he can't get much further than about 2 feet off the patio to do his business. When we're out with him, we run and play and chase in the yard. People keep calling that he's off leash. I'm now anxious that they're going to tell us to get rid of him or else. The irony? There is only one other neighbor who uses the yard we share. One. That one also has a dog that runs and plays and chases with ours. The rest of the neighbors are NEVER EVER outside.
AND, I am wearing white before Memorial Day. Clearly this means that I am a rebel.
This is going to be more of a free word association post.
Clearly I need to start working out. My weight was down and now is back up. I'm in a cycle of I can't sleep and therefore it's difficult to get up in the morning to work out. Losing weight isn't easy and when you add other complications or issues in the difficulty is just magnified. I'm exhausted in the mornings and afternoons but can't fall asleep. I think it's the stress causing my body to be "ON" all the time and mentally going constantly. By the afternoon I could sleep for a couple of hours.
I met with the geneticist yesterday with my Mom and Sister. She calculated my risk of getting breast cancer to be 52%. It didn't shock me, in fact, I thought it would be higher. The new panel of genes that they can test for is very new. And as such, they don't know a lot about the panel and what recommendations they would make if we tested positive for any of them. If my Mom tested now, she would likely be part of the group of results who would be used to make recommendations in the future. While testing or nor won't change my decision, my Mom really wants to know. My Sister didn't think that she should test right now. So we decided that if my Mom's insurance wouldn't pay for it that we would skip the test at this point and wait a year or two to see where the testing was at that time.
I have an appointment today with a plastic surgeon and one next Tuesday with another. I'm nervous. I believe that my decision to have this surgery is solidified by that 52%. However, I am really unsure what type of reconstruction I want. I think I'd feel better if I had an idea of what I wanted going into this. But I have my notebook full of questions and hope I can get some direction.
Someone keeps calling our association about us playing out in the yard with our dog. (I told you this would be random) We keep him on a line when he's out by himself and he can't get much further than about 2 feet off the patio to do his business. When we're out with him, we run and play and chase in the yard. People keep calling that he's off leash. I'm now anxious that they're going to tell us to get rid of him or else. The irony? There is only one other neighbor who uses the yard we share. One. That one also has a dog that runs and plays and chases with ours. The rest of the neighbors are NEVER EVER outside.
AND, I am wearing white before Memorial Day. Clearly this means that I am a rebel.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
The Link Between Weight Loss and Cancer
{187.0; 0 minutes of exercise}
I spent half of my life overweight and obese. I chose a path to get healthier and lose weight so that my future would be longer, more enjoyable and in general better. Yet here I am, close to what I weighed in high school and I might have cancer.
I've been struggling with how to motivate myself to get back to the gym. The problem is that I don't sleep well and getting up at 4:30am to head to the gym seems unreasonable. The truth is that intellectually I know that when I exercise for 45-60 minutes a day, my day is better overall. I eat less, I drink more water, I'm more energized and I sleep better. I just need something to push me out of the cycle that I'm in, get me over the week long adjustment period to waking up early and do it.
I started reading about being a previvor, breast cancer, genetic testing, reconstruction... I did it so that I was more knowledgeable and felt more in control of my life. But then I started reading some statistics and some studies and I found my motivation.
Reading The Breast Reconstruction Guidebook by Kathy Steligo I've come across several references about weight and exercise. Mostly she talks about studies and research that shows that women who are in better health and better shape come through the other side of their surgery with better outcomes. Having less fat makes surgery easier. Having better muscle tone leads to easier recovery. Eating right and drinking water promotes good recovery.
So what more motivation do I need? Honestly, I need Pete to help me be accountable the first week. To help me get out of bed at 4:30 and get to the gym. To remind me that I need to do this.
I also need to start posting about what I'm doing. To be accountable to myself and make it public. So if you don't see my stats at the top of the post, call me on it!
Have you read about Angelina Jolie ? Sometimes I think the universe is talking to me and this is one of those times.
I spent half of my life overweight and obese. I chose a path to get healthier and lose weight so that my future would be longer, more enjoyable and in general better. Yet here I am, close to what I weighed in high school and I might have cancer.
I've been struggling with how to motivate myself to get back to the gym. The problem is that I don't sleep well and getting up at 4:30am to head to the gym seems unreasonable. The truth is that intellectually I know that when I exercise for 45-60 minutes a day, my day is better overall. I eat less, I drink more water, I'm more energized and I sleep better. I just need something to push me out of the cycle that I'm in, get me over the week long adjustment period to waking up early and do it.
I started reading about being a previvor, breast cancer, genetic testing, reconstruction... I did it so that I was more knowledgeable and felt more in control of my life. But then I started reading some statistics and some studies and I found my motivation.
Among women with early-stage breast cancer, some research has found that obese women have an increased breast cancer mortality risk as high as 33% compared to non-obese women. Force NewsletterNow I knew that being overweight was a risk factor for cancer. And it still took me years to do anything about it, but I did. Ironic that once I did lose weight, I had this mammogram and these cells. Could it have been in my breast longer and because they were more full and dense, just not seen? Who knows. And while I can't change the past, I can change the future.
Reading The Breast Reconstruction Guidebook by Kathy Steligo I've come across several references about weight and exercise. Mostly she talks about studies and research that shows that women who are in better health and better shape come through the other side of their surgery with better outcomes. Having less fat makes surgery easier. Having better muscle tone leads to easier recovery. Eating right and drinking water promotes good recovery.
So what more motivation do I need? Honestly, I need Pete to help me be accountable the first week. To help me get out of bed at 4:30 and get to the gym. To remind me that I need to do this.
I also need to start posting about what I'm doing. To be accountable to myself and make it public. So if you don't see my stats at the top of the post, call me on it!
Have you read about Angelina Jolie ? Sometimes I think the universe is talking to me and this is one of those times.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
The Awkwardness of Talking About Being a Previvor
Previvor: A previvor is a survivor of a predisposition to cancer.
I found out from reading FORCE website that I am a Previvor. Well, I could be a previvor or a cancer patient because although the surgeon doesn't think the cells are cancerous yet, she's not sure. And she can't be sure unless I have at least a lumpectomy. So for now I'm identifying myself as a previvor.
Mother's Day starts off the year as our first motorcycle club event. An Ice Cream Social in a park. We ride there, catch up with the members that we haven't seen all winter, eat some melty ice cream and spend time outside. I look forward to it each year.
This year was different. I chose to ride with Pete instead of on my own bike. Our chapter purposely arrived early and had our chapter meeting. From the first minute I told Pete that I didn't want to be there. I was having an emotional day already, the lack of good sleep was getting to me and I felt like a fraud to be sitting there enjoying this when I have this big secret.
I've said it before, it's an awkward situation to have someone ask how you're doing and somehow transition that to I might have cancer and I'm having major surgery. When someone asks you how you're doing, they expect you to say "good", "great!", "hanging in there" or something similar. No one expects you to say that you might have cancer. So how in the world do you transition to that? There really is no good way.
Part of me wants people to know, but I also don't want it to be a major discussion each time I say something or dominate the conversation or event. It's also a strange and hard to follow conversation when you say that you might have cancer, you have several risk factors and therefore you're having radical surgery. The equation often times doesn't add up for people. Who would consider having radical surgery to prevent cancer? I've explained it several times to close friends and family members and I can see in their eyes that they don't understand it, even though they say that they do.
So I went into this day cold (it was only in the 50's and windy), not wanting to be there and very emotional. Pete (if I was thankful for him before, I am even more so now) pulled a couple of friends aside and told them what was happening. I was so thankful for that. I didn't have to blurt it out and they could express care and concern and ask me about it. We ended up having dinner together and talked about it more. One thing that is clear is that the people in my life might not totally understand, but they do care and love me.
I found out from reading FORCE website that I am a Previvor. Well, I could be a previvor or a cancer patient because although the surgeon doesn't think the cells are cancerous yet, she's not sure. And she can't be sure unless I have at least a lumpectomy. So for now I'm identifying myself as a previvor.
Mother's Day starts off the year as our first motorcycle club event. An Ice Cream Social in a park. We ride there, catch up with the members that we haven't seen all winter, eat some melty ice cream and spend time outside. I look forward to it each year.
This year was different. I chose to ride with Pete instead of on my own bike. Our chapter purposely arrived early and had our chapter meeting. From the first minute I told Pete that I didn't want to be there. I was having an emotional day already, the lack of good sleep was getting to me and I felt like a fraud to be sitting there enjoying this when I have this big secret.
I've said it before, it's an awkward situation to have someone ask how you're doing and somehow transition that to I might have cancer and I'm having major surgery. When someone asks you how you're doing, they expect you to say "good", "great!", "hanging in there" or something similar. No one expects you to say that you might have cancer. So how in the world do you transition to that? There really is no good way.
Part of me wants people to know, but I also don't want it to be a major discussion each time I say something or dominate the conversation or event. It's also a strange and hard to follow conversation when you say that you might have cancer, you have several risk factors and therefore you're having radical surgery. The equation often times doesn't add up for people. Who would consider having radical surgery to prevent cancer? I've explained it several times to close friends and family members and I can see in their eyes that they don't understand it, even though they say that they do.
So I went into this day cold (it was only in the 50's and windy), not wanting to be there and very emotional. Pete (if I was thankful for him before, I am even more so now) pulled a couple of friends aside and told them what was happening. I was so thankful for that. I didn't have to blurt it out and they could express care and concern and ask me about it. We ended up having dinner together and talked about it more. One thing that is clear is that the people in my life might not totally understand, but they do care and love me.
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