the thief

I've heard cancer descirbed many many ways and really I think cancer is a thief.

It sneaks in when you're not looking and waits in your body. Waits silent until it decides to start growing. It grows fast or slow, but it grows. And still it remains silent. It sometimes gives very little signs of it's presence. But it's there. Sometimes it not only remains silent and growing, but it moves too. Spreads out from where it started to new areas of the body. New tissues, new areas, new parts. And again it lays silent, waiting. Again it grows and forms and travels.

Once it's done it's work, it leaves that scar of it's presence. It leaves that place it was or will always be. It leaves not only the physical scars, but the emotional ones too. The silent scars that reach up into your brain and into your soul and change you forever. Good or bad. Even if you get the cancer gone forever, the scars are still there. The reminders of what happened are still there.

And sometimes, many times, it steals you away. It takes your life, one day at a time. One breath at a time. One memory at a time. It makes you into someone that you never thought you'd be. It takes your body piece by piece and your soul chunk by chunk.

Even worse it steals from those around you. It steals their dreams for you. It steals their memory of you if they're young. It steals their future with you from them. It steals you. Your wisdom, your love, your encouragement, your help, your being.

I've known both. The people who have been stolen forever and the people who have been stolen for a little bit and returned. I know someone who's fighting the thief right now and I know one who just lost his battle.

I wish them all peace. I wish the survivors, those lost in battle and those fighting some peace. I wish the victims of the thief, the children, families, friends and others peace.

I dislike the thief named cancer.

Struggling

Sometimes life is such a struggle. And I don't mean that in a, I want to off myself way. I mean that I can have the best of intentions, know what I need to do and all that and still struggle.

I'm struggling with exercise, weight and food. Previously when I wanted to feel betterabout myself I'd exercise more. The treadmill mainly. It usually takes a week of struggling to get on that thing 5 times a week. But after that first week of struggling I'm reminded just how good it feels to exercise. Not necessarily the rush that everyone talks about, that takes longer, but the good feeling of sweating and moving. Only I can't do that right now. My knee and my leg are sore. Most nights it's just sore from the sitting, standing and walking that I do on it. I really want that feeling of moving.

So therein is the issue. Because I can't exercise, I blow it all off. I could eat better, but lately I've been so hungry. Nothing seems to satisfy me. I bought all kinds of veggies and made a salad from them to take to work each day for lunch. But by the time that 9:30-10:00 rolls around I'm so hungry that I eat my lunch. Then I spend all day talking myself out of just how hungry I am. Usually I cave in for food in the afternoon - whatever is in my office - and then feel horrible about my choices.

So it's a struggle. I need something to motivate me out of the struggle, the hard time and at least forward motion into the good.

YMCA

also known as the place from hell on the last day of no joiners fee month...

It started out ok. I put dinner on to stew and then we left to to join the Y. Yes, this will make the third gym I've joined in about 3 years. It just occurred to me that I have become one of those gym flunkies that I laughed at previously. Oh well. We should have realized something was up when we drove in and the parking lot was packed. Even worse, we went inside and the lobby was this swirling mass of loudness.

I asked for a tour to see what it was all about. I'd decided that I wasn't going to join if it wasn't something that I'd really use. Big mistake. We waited and then were grouped with a family for the tour. The dad said little to nothing the whole tour. The mom was outspoken and commented about EVERYTHING. The older girl was about 5 and kept interupting the tour guide with the Walmart receipt from her jacket pocket or by taking everyone's picture with her pretent cell phone. The shutter noise was really authentic and when she did it to me, it make me stop and wonder why a girl was taking my picture. The younger girl was about 3 and just wondered aimlessly.

In the pool area, the girls wandered through the family dressing room looking into every place and slashing through the puddles. The mom and dad never said a word to them. The mom said that she'd only swim if she could wear her clothes. The guide had to point out that every swimmer had to have a suit. The mom was rather large and told the guide that they couldn't afford to buy suits for all of them, they usually swam in their clothes. The guide said that they'd need to get suits for this pool. As an aside, Pete and I should have figured out then that this tour would be all about them.

We went upstairs next and the Dad simply grabbed the younger girl by the hand and carried her up the stairs by holding her in the air by her hands. The younger girl wandered all over the stairs making Pete and I have to change course several times. Upstairs is the child free zone. Kids are not allowed up there normally. It's where all the machines and workout areas are. the older girl kept snapping her imaginary cell phone at everyone until the guide had to tell her to stop because people kept thinking she was really taking pictures. The younger girl was running all around and on machines and pulling, and yelling... I quickly walked by Pete who walked away so that people didn't think the kids where ours. The mom kept saying that all she'd do was walk on the treadmill and all she wanted to know was about them. She kept saying that she'd never lift weights so we didn't need to go over there. Finally Pete spoke up and said that he lifts weights.

After about 30 minutes of touring, we were done. Both done with the tour and Pete and I weren so done with being there at that time. But the guide sent us down to fill out paperwork for joining. It was at that time that the other family piped up with "Well, we cannot afford to join." Pete and I shot each other a look, but stayed quiet. Then we went to our own table to fill out the paperwork. The guide told them that they'd be eligible for reduced rates if they had a pay stub. The Dad shot out of there like a rocket and came back from the car with his pay stub. The mom said she didn't have hers. In the end, the family was paying half of what Pete and I pay for a dual membership.

Then we had to wait for about 30 minutes to get our cards from the front desk. By that time, Pete was so done. The front lobby area is clearly not for us. And I didn't have the heart to suggest that we go back to work out after dinner last night.

Sunrises and frost

It was/is bitterly cold today. I had to leave my SUV out because I work today and Pete doesn't. He did go down and start it for me when I was getting ready. I love that man.

On my way to work I got to see the sunrise. I love it when my trip to work happens at the same as the sun's trip to the sky. I love watching the red/orange ball float up and all the colors across the sky and on the horizon. There is something so peaceful and quiet and amazing about the whole thing.

This morning it made me think of this:

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her ealy leaf's a flower,
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf
So Eden sank to grief.
So daen goes down to day,
Nothing gold can stay.
~ Robert Frost

I love that poem. I have loved it since high school. And it really descibes the innocence of the sunrise and how fleeting it is. It had to be kismet that the author's last name is Frost, given the crisp air and the white on the trees.

I'm in love...

with Apple's new release of the iPad. I'm coveting an electronic device.

And I must talk to Pete about purchasing one really really soon.

Oh Peeeeeeeeete!!!

I have Reese's Pieces on my bedside table

and it's all that I can do not to pack myself up fm work and head home for them.

I went to see my torture, I mean phycial therapist this morning. She was all bright and cheery and wanting me to jump on that bike to get going. I told her no. And I had a nard time doing it. Silly me. Even though it's my pain and hurt, I had a hard time telling her no because my first instinct is to just do it so I don't hurt her feelings. But after learning this about myself, I have come to a place where I can tell her no.

Back to the PT. She asked me all kinds of questions about how much and where it hurt. I told her that I like to think I have a high pain tolerance due to my TMJ issues. But hold crap this leg of mine hurt. I told her that I sat & cried Friday night. She basically told me to suck it up and that it was going to hurt. (which is why I was no longer concerned about hurting her feelings...lol)

So my leg is all deep tissue massaged and sore and angry and yelling at me to go home and put as much smelly menthol cream on as I can and lay in bed. Which brings me back to the candy on my nightstand.

*sigh*

Happy Birthday Grandma!

She's 85! She's seen more changes in the world than I may ever know. Wars, peace, electrontics, births, deaths... She's 85. I love that she has been such an imposrtant part of my life. She's supported me in most everything that I've done and made sure that I had her advice. She's loaned me money to buy my first car. She's let me live with her.


This is her family. All of us. She was so surprised when she walked into the pary Saturday. She asked everyone what they were doing there. When she realized they were there for her, it was almost more than she could stand. She cried. We gave her the best gift ever - the gift of family and friends.

This is Suzanne, Grandma Phyllis, Sue and Maureen. Sue is Grandma's sister in law. She's 95 herself! She's lost a lot of her sight and hearing, but still came to help celebrate Grandma's birthday. Suzanne and Maureen are her daughters and my Mom's cousins.

What a wonderful thing to see everyone there. I don't think we could have come up with a better gift for Grandma.