Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Without even thinking

I did very well this morning and had my whole wheat waffle with peanutbutter for breakfast. And it did the trick. Then I started working and got really into it. The working, I mean. About 9am I got a call from the girls downstairs to come down for birthday celebration. We went down and there was coffee and doughnuts. I took a chocolate covered old fashioned and kept the tea I was drinking.

Then I ate it.

Without even thinking.

I was shocked about 3/4 of the way through it, but figured that I had eaten that much, I may as well eat the rest. So I did. Only to find out that my little doughnut adventure cost me about 1/4 of my daily calories.

One quarter.

I was amazed later that I sat and ate that doughnut without even thinking about what I was doing. It really shows me how I mindlessly eat sometimes instead of eating with a purpose.

Monday, October 26, 2009


I joined another gym. Pete and I did so good 2 years ago. We were going to the gym almost daily and working out and feeling good and losing weight. Then spring came and planning wedding and Pete's Dad dying and motorcycle season and it all went to hell.

In the last 18 months Pete has gained all the weight back that he lost and I gained the weight back. He's not happy and frankly I'm not happy with me. I've done everything that I can to support him losing weight again. Then I realized that the one thing he did for me 2 years ago was to lead by example.

So I started walking again Saturday. I'm going to walk on the treadmill every day that we don't go to the gym. And today is the first gym day. No Matter What.

I'm addicted to this application on my phone. It tracks the calories eaten and the exercise done for the day. It gives you a percentage your daily intake so show how much you've consumed. It really put the whole thing in perspective for me. I enter everything that I eat and really think about what I'm putting in my mouth.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Pulled back in

I tried so hard the last couple of years to be me. To do what makes me happy. I thought I had found a balance between family and me. Although my Mom would make comments about me not attending things, I let them roll off my back and went on about my business.

I feel like I'm getting pulled in again. My Mom wants everyone to make more of an effort to go over to see my Grandma more often. To check up on her and spend time with her. I have no issues doing that. Only I know that other people won't do the same. So I'm at that point where I feel like the weight of it all is on me. I need to remember that I do my part and not worry about others. I need to rememeber this. I need to remember to not lose myself in this also.

Just now, I realized that it also worries me about caring for Mom and Dad should the need arise. Will the weight of the care fall onto me?

I need to keep myself in all this. Remember my resolve to make me happy.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Family Ties

I was just out of college and job seeking. It was difficult. I completed an internship over the summer and was talking with my internship supervisor about how to job seek and what tools I needed. He told me that I should immediately move away from the area and my family. That I needed independence that I wasn't getting by returning to the area that I grew up in.

Thankfully I did not take his advice. I realize that sometimes family can be a detriment to people. I realize that independence is a skill that everyone needs. However, those things don't have to come at the expense of a family who cares about you.

I am tied to my family. For better or worse as they say. Though they may irriate me, hurt me, insult me, they also love me, support me and are my family. I cannot turn my back on them. I will not turn my back on them.

I love them. Deeply. For the things that they have sacrificed for me. For the things that they have done because of me. For the love they showed me. For the encouragment they gave me. For being my family.

My last grandparent is in the hosptial as we speak. Honestly I'm barely holding it together. Of all my grandparents, I am most close to her. I lived with her for three years. I love her. I don't know what I'd do without her. I need prayers for her. For my Mom and my Aunt. For me. I need prayers for me.

Monday, October 19, 2009

The people they can become

I really believe that sometimes we have to have enough faith in someone to let them become who I know that they can be. Does that make sense?

Somtimes the people in our lives are so battered and bruised that they are fighting for their life. Not that they are in danger of being killed. More like they are in danger of letting go of all hope inside them and letting go of the dream for a good life. They've been fighting with themselves, with others around them, bad influenses, for so long, that they don't know how else to act. They don't know how else to just be.

They need someone, anyone to believe in them. To know that inside of them is a better person just waiting to come out. Someone who is happy to live life. Someone who fights for the right reasons, not just to fight. Someone who learns that people can be nice. Someone who thinks that caring about others is a good thing. Someone who not only needs believing in, but also believes in others.

I've seen it in my life. Lived it. Believed in someone. Watched as they grew. Watched as they changed. And saw the benefits from it. Saw the life that arrose from all that fear and fight. It's a magical thing. And yet I know that there are those out there who may read this and not understand. Sometimes you need to believe in someone else. Not just for them, but for yourself. You need to give the benefit of the duobt so there are no "what ifs" lingering on into old age. You need to know that you did anything and everything for that other person so that you did anything and everything for yourself.

Like I said, it's a magical thing. One that not everyone experiences, but those that do, are touched forever.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Peace for K

I grew up thinking that my Mom's cousin was my aunt. And in all fairness, it was kind of the truth. You see my mom's cousin (let's call her K) was orphaned in her teens. So my grandparents took her in and raised to adult. So she is kind of an aunt.

Anway K married out of high school to a successful man and they had babies. Three babies. A daughter and two sons. The older son was a year older than I and the younger son was my sister's age. We spent countless holidays running around my Grandma's basement, bowling, playing pool, poker and other things. The older son used to tease me and call me Stacy. Years later we laughed about it.

On Chrsitmas one year when I was in junior high we got a call that the sons had been in a 3-wheeler accident. The older son was fine. Although the younger son was wearing a helmet, the footpeg hit the side of the helmet and crushed his skull. Life changing. Depressing. Sad. He would spend 10 years in a coma. Growing up, but not alert enough to realize it. My 'aunt' was crushed.

The older son had his issues. Drugs, alcohol, partying. One fall day in college I was walking to class and looked up to see him. I smiled at his easy smile and said hi. We chatted on the way to the campus and I leared that he had gotten his life together and gone back to school. I walked away that day thinking "good for him!" That next summer, over the Fourth of July, he was in a car accident after drinking and was killed. Again, life changing. Depressing. Sad. And my 'aunt' was crushed all over again.

Less than a year later, the younger son died. He never came out of the coma, but suddenly died. And my aunt, she had to live the accident and all that it entailed over again.

Somewhere in there she and her husband divorced. I suppose that it was meant to happen. A marriage is going to have ups and downs, but they had experienced more than their share of downs. Not to recover from them all as one piece.

K moved on. Found a place to build a house. You see, she and her exhusband had received a settlement from the 3 wheeler company from the accident. And yet, she was sad to live off a settlement that meant that her son was gone. So she built a house to live in and continued working.

Then she met a man. Someone who was nice and caring and loved her. They married and things were well for a while. Then they stopped coming to family gatherings. When they did come he had wild conversations about religion and the bible and refused to see any other point but his. They withdrew farther and farther so that the family really didn't know what was going on.

That man? He has been having a 'mistress'. It's supposedly not an affair because it's all about the bedroom. However, they go to parties and such together. He talks to her about his 'awful wife'. And he...well he hurts K. Once again she is shattered. Depressed. Sad.

So for this day and the days to come, my prayer is that she finds some peace. If anyone deserves it, she does. She's taken more hurt in her life than any one person should have to. I don't know how much more she can take and I don't want to ever know that it was too much. I wish her peace. Peace for K.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


If you saw this on a vehicle license plate, how would you interpret it?

I'm hoping it comes across as Journey Girl. Not because I like Journey. Well, actually I do.

Coincidentially, my Mom called last week one night and when I didnt' answer she didn't leave a message. When I called her back she said it was nothing big. Then she said that she had been watching a DVR'd episode of Oprah and Journey was on. She wanted to know if I remembered going to the Journey concert when I was 13 with Michelle. OF COURSE I remembered. It was like the single coolest thing ever to go and I know that they didn't want me to go in the first place.

Anyway, I keep thinking about what kind of license plate I want for my motorcycle. I want it to represent that I love to embrace the journey. Only the best thing that I can come up with is JRNYGRL.

So weill people think I am a Joruney geek or what?

Monday, October 05, 2009

Work and dinners and soup!

I'm so incredibly proud of Pete. He was chosen for a job. It was a thankful time for both of us. I think the time he spent on unemployment was a tough time for both of us. It's one thing to be low on money and another to be low on money when one is out of work. It's not that we were destatude during that time. It's that there was expectations on both sides that lead to hurt on both sides. I think we've both learned from the experience.

He's been back to work for a week now and we're getting used to it. We get up at the same time and while he is showering, I'm lazing in bed. While I am showering, he is eating breakfast and relaxing. We leave at the same time and come home at the same time. It's nice really and I love coming home to share our days. Only we've been very bad about dinners. We eat out way too much. I planned on going grocery shopping on Sunday to get things for dinners that could be put in the crockpot, made ahead or easily done. In the car on the way to a party we were discussing food. And I learned that Pete doesn't like soup!

First of all, how can you not like soup? It's c compact meal in a bowl. It's all the good things mixed in with some warm broth to soothe. It's flavors and textures and everything. Secondly how could one live with me for 3 years and have food made for him for over 5 and never tell me that he didn't like soup! He finally admitted that he'll eat it, but that it's not his favorite thing. So, I had to redo my game plan for dinners a little and get things that were less 'soup-like' for him. Although I decided to start making a pot of soup on Sundays that I can use for lunches all week. It will give me the best of both worlds!