Wednesday, July 25, 2012

202.4; Still Here, Plugging Along

Remember when I said to pray for me?  Well the weekend consisted of crying ,whining, yelling (me included), mosquito bites, chigger bites, and exhaustion.  At one point I took a crappy shower.  Not because I needed it, but because it's the only child free zone for 30 minutes.

Then I ended up with a migraine on Monday.

Then I worked 14 hours on Tuesday.

Today is Wednesday.  I think.  Maybe.  No really.

I'm just hoping Friday swongs around again.  Soon.

That's my update and I'm sticking to it.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

205; Wish Me Luck

I'm picking up 4 kiddos tomorrow morning and going camping for the weekend.  So let's see, 4 kiddos from 7-13 (small kid crabby to hormonal teenager), a 1 year old pup, my hubby and his motorcycle and going to a lake to camp for the weekend.  Oh year, and it's supposed to be in the 90's with high humidity and a chance of rain.  Mosquitoes.  For what amounts to be about 48 hours.

So the questions are:

Who comes out of this alive?
Will the adults get any sleep?
Will I be sane by Sunday night?
Will Pete run away on his motorcycle?              

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

206.4; Self Sabotage

I've been thinking a lot about this lately.  I mean who wouldn't after spending the last 60 days at essentially the same weight?  I boast about how I can maintain my weight all the time.  How I'm really good at it.  How I can do it with the best of them... 

On the other side of that I bitch and complain that I can't get any lower than about 204.  I'm at a plateau.  I'm unable to lose more and must need my band really tight. 

But Sunday Pete and I were watching that Extreme Makeover; Weight Loss Edition.  One commercial I softly said, "Am I self sabotaging?"  To his credit, he was quiet for a long time.  So much so that I thought he either didn't hear me or was ignoring me.  And although I think I knew the answer on the inside, my heart dropped a bit when he softly said, "Yes."

He waited for me to take that in and explained.  He said that I got a good string together at the gym and would be working hard, but then I stop.  I tried to interject that I only stop because I injure myself or get sick, but he wouldn't let me.  He told me that to lose, I needed to find a way to be consistent with the gym.  Inside I prickled and wanted to defend myself, but I also knew that he was right.

So now that I've conceded that I self sabotage.  I have to wonder, why do I do it?  That's the next answer I need to find.  I believe that it has to do with the fact that I'm 'safe' when I'm fat.  But I also think that it's something I need to think about more to figure it out fully and how to get past it.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

207.8; The Btich Inside Me

Last weekend I learned something.  We were camping up north for our chapter's camp out.  This means that some of us go on a ride with the rest of the group and a few others stay back and greet those who show up during the day.  In the past I've always gone on the ride.  This year,we brought the dog and I agreed to stay back to greet and watch him.

What ended up happening is that another member brought their dogs and we had a bunch hanging out.  When the guys got ready to leave for the ride, I got my Nook and my dog and sat in the shade with the rest of those who stayed back.  The riding group ended up being gone for 7 hours, getting back right before dinner time.

In the time they were gone I had no way to leave the site.  I rode with someone and didn't have my bike and Pete was gone with his bike.  Available to me were things like banana bread, bearclaw donuts, brownies, chips, cookies.  All high carb, high sugar foods.  And I ate some of them.

My body kept telling me that it needed to eat and I was trying to feed it so that I could continue on.  Yet my body HATED that food.  And by the time that Pete got back I was a raging bitch full of anxiety and frustration.  In his defense, he didn't realize they'd be gone that long and he thought the rest of us at camp would go and eat something in shifts.

Right away I told Pete that we had to ride to the grocery store.  My body was calling out for fresh fruit and veggies, lean proteins and food that is good for me and tastes good.  This was the first time that I heard my body calling out for food.  Both Pete and I learned a good lesson.  From now on, we are packing food and not relying on the ability to get what we need by leaving the camp.  My 5 pound weight gain from eating crap and sitting around all weekend shows me that I need to be a better planner so my inner bitch doesn't come out again.

Monday, July 16, 2012

208.2; The Secret to Losing Weight

I belong to a message board community and in the last year there has been a general healthiness of many on the board.  Eating better, exercising, running, walking...  All good things. 

A couple of weeks ago there was a post about how one person had lost weight and when she tried to tell people about it, they didn't respond or completed backed out of the conversation.  It turns out that she had a lap band placed over a year ago.  When people learn this, they immediately stop asking questions or engaging her in conversation about losing weight.

I tried to explain that those of us who have had lap band specifically are int he same boat as someone who hasn't and is trying to lose weight.  We must exercise and watch portions and watch the content of meals.  So just because we have a gastric band, don't discount what we have learned about losing weight.

In response, people said that once they learned she had surgery they stopped because they weren't interested in surgery.  Again, we are just like you, trying to find the combination of what works with exercise and eating.  One person responded that she thought the lap bad lady had lost a lot of weight quickly and wanted to know her secret.  She assumes that the lap band is the secret.  She assumes that we 'cheat' by using the band and she is not interested in that.

The deal is this...THERE IS NO SECRET. 

Yes, the lap band helps us remember to portion control, but we can still over eat and eat around that band.  We are just like you!!!  We are trying to find the combination of exercise and eating that works for our body specifically.  There is no magic secret to losing weight.  NONE.  There is hard work.  There is limiting foods that you once ate, still like and must stop eating or eat less of.  There is getting up at 5 am to hit the gym for 4 miles before work.  There is going to a party and not grazing all the time.

At the time I gave up on the conversation because it frustrates me that people think I am cheating.  THIS STUFF IS FREAKING HARD WORK FOR ME TOO!  Last night I watched Extreme Makeover: Weight loss Edition and at the end Chris told a story about Nyla.  She had signed up for the show thinking that he had some magic, easy secret to losing weight.  She found out that it's only done through determination and hard work.  It occurred to me that these people that I meet and talk to who think that I am cheating, yet as for my secret, are looking for their own way to cheat their weight loss. 


I work just has freaking hard as the next person to control what I eat, when I eat it and to desire to exercise.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

204.2; I Have a Confession

My confession isn't big for sure, but it is a confession.

I am never hungry any more.

That's it.  I could likely go all day without eating and not get hungry.  If I am hungry, it's for a quick 2 minutes of grumbling tummy and it's done.  In fact, if I'm busy from the moment I get up to dinner, I don't even notice if I've eaten breakfast or lunch.  The only time that I do get hungry in the morning or at noon is if I've had a heavy workout that morning with running and weights.  Even then, it's gone in a couple of minutes.

Why is this a confession?  Because I've realized that my eating is all in my head.  And this realization is driving me slowly insane.  I can seem to wrap my brain around not eating at times, either because I should because it's meal time or because my brain tells me I'm hungry, but not my body. 

The first, eating at meal times, I realize I need to do.  I can't start skipping meals just because I'm not hungry.  But what I should and need to do, is learn to limit my meals to small ones.  Just because I can eat 2.5 cups, doesn't mean I need to eat that much.  I'm more than satisfied at 1.5 or 2 cups sometimes and I need to stop.  I need to keep in mind that I don't need to clean my plate, it's ok to push back.

The second, is what kills me.  My brain is used to telling me to eat in the afternoon for a snack or in the late evening for dessert.  But I'm not hungry and my body does not need it.  Yet, my brain hasn't rewired it's self to stop sending me that message.  It's been almost 4 months since the surgery and I've lost a total of 16 pounds and I'm not hungry.  Yet my brain still tells to me eat.  I can't help but wonder how long it will take my brain to figure out that I no longer need or want those signals?

So it's slowly driving me nuts that I can't get my brain and my body to be in the same cycle.  I need to figure out how to get it there.

I met with the doctor yesterday.  I am now filled to 8.5 out of 11 cc's. of fluid.  I noticed some resistance yesterday with potatoes and eating too fast this morning.  I hope I'm starting to get to my 'sweet spot' with the fills.  And although I was nervous about asking for meds back, I shouldn't have been.  I explained that I was noticing likely start of arthritis in my hands, soreness all over and period pain.  So I go back to my regular doctor next week to see about a low dose of an NSAID for a month and see how that's doing with my tummy.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

205.2; Food and Your Portions

Sometimes I feel as though my weight, my efforts to lose weight and all that surrounds it overwhelms my life.  It's as though I am always thinking about it.  Yet I read stories such as this one in the local paper:  Better Eating Is A Tall Order and realize that obecity is overwhelming our population.  Then I don't feel so badly about being focused on it.

I tried to explain to someone I work with that the portions I eat are nothing like the portions that many/most Americans eat.  I can easily split and entree with Pete at a restaurant and walk away satisfied, if not full.  And yet, I see plates of food coming to people at my table or other tables and I know that they will finish the whole entree themselves.  My co-worker asked me if I judged those people.  My quick response was no, but the more I thought about it, I may do just that.

Before you get upset, let me explain.  It's similar to what I said yesterday about the clothes and the women at Stella's.  It's not that I judge them for eating that much, I judge them against what I used to be.  Better explained, I used to be that person who ate everything on my plate at a restaurant.  I know now, that I don't need to do that.  Others, who haven't gone through what I have, don't see it that way.  And that's ok, it's not me making the choice for them.  And honestly, I saw people sharing plates prior to having surgery and thought it was dumb.  Now I realize that it's just what works for Pete and I.

When I read the story above (which is about how Farmer's Markets are trying to entice people to use them), what stuck out is that we are desensitized to the large portions that we are served every day.  And it's true.  I never thought anything about eating the whole sweet potato, the 6 ounce steak, the whole caesar salad and 2-3 rolls at Texas Roadhouse.  Yet today there is no way in hell I could eat that much.  That plate to me, now, is overwhelming.  Yet people go there every day and consume that meal. 

Now is it easy to scale back your portions?  Nope.  Your body and more importantly, your brain is so used to the portions sizes that scaling back seems like you are depriving yourself.  It's a huge mind game to make even me believe that I don't need more than 1-2 cups of food at ANY meal and still survive.  But I'm here to tell you that it's true. 

What's all this mean?  Look at your portion sizes at the next meal.  Think about when you were satisfied while eating, not full.  Can you walk away satisfied and not reach full?  What happens when you do? 

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

205.2; My Talk With Pete

Last night Pete and I had a date of sorts.  We went to Stella's Fish Cafe as part of restaurant week.  It's perfect for us really.  For $30 we split an appetizer, a main dish and a dessert.  Perfect.

We had never been to Stella's before, but saw it often when we went to listen to the blues at Famous Dave's in Uptown.  We walked up and up and up these stairs to get to the rooftop and were immediately seated next to the rail.  It was a gorgeous night with the lingering sun and a slight breeze.  I felt especially girly and summery in one of my cotton dresses.  Pete looked handsome in his black slacks and stripped collar shirt.

We had wonderful food and people watched the entire time.  I felt girly, like I belonged there because I looked like the other women there.  If you've ever been big and not well dressed for your size, you will understand what I mean.  It's a sense that you are big and only have limited clothing so you wear what is available, not what is in style.  I commented about this several times to Pete and he said it's similar for men, although he admitted a little easier.

Towards the end of the meal, two women walked by.  Both in jean capris with double tank tops and hair tied up in a loose knot.  Only one was "normal" and one was "big".  The larger of the two held her arms crossed in front of her the whole time and she looked very uncomfortable.  I wanted so badly to reach out to her and tell her that I have been her...that I understand her.  But the awkwardness of it all kept me from doing that.  So I commented to Pete that I was her.  He commented back that he was her too.

How profound.  I asked Pete why we never shared this before?  Why didn't we share in the awkwardness of being big and trying to cover it up and not being happy?  He didn't know and at the time I didn't know.  But I think now, it's because you really don't understand how unhappy you are.  And this is not to say that I wasn't a happy person when I was big, because I was happy.  But I certainly wasn't happy about how I didn't fit in.

And right or wrong I have to admit that I see bigger women and I compare myself to them.  Not my lower weight me, my big me.  I compare myself when I was big to what they look like and I try to see myself in them.  I wonder if I looked that unhappy?  Did I look that big?  Were my hips that wide?  Did my clothes fit badly/were they too tight?  I'm not judging them, I'm judging the old me.  When I can't tell, I ask Pete if I looked like them.  Was I as heavy as them?  It's as though I can't remember the old me, yet I don't know the new me very well either.  I'm stuck not knowing the outside me at all any more.  And it's somewhat frightening.  To be 42 years old and not know myself.

I left dinner deep in thought and feeling closer to my husband than ever.  We've gone through the same things, but at different times.  We've seen each other big and small.  And I hope soon I'll learn the new me and understand how it all fits together.

Monday, July 09, 2012

205.2: How Do You Cheer Someone Up?

I struggle with this.  It seems simple, but really it's not. 

Pete has been down lately with not working.  We had to cancel plans for the 4th of July and he was really down, didn't want to go anywhere and kind of moped around the house.  I intended to cheer him up.  However, I couldn't spend much money and it had to be something that was at home. 

My go to cheering up thing:  food.  So I took ribs out of the freezer, bought potatoes for a new recipe, got the new can of baked beans out and some crusty bread for garlic bread.  Of course I got whole milk and cream for home made ice cream.

On the way home I realized what I had done.  I had created this carb overloaded meal with a fat and sugar filled finish.  This certainly isn't what either of us needs in our healthiness journey.  But I did it anyway.  And while I was making it I thought about why I had done it.  What I came to realize is that I wanted to comfort Pete and for me, comfort includes indulgent foods.  Now it's not necessarily a bad thing to indulge once and a while, in fact, I'd say it's healthy to do so.  But for the right reasons.  Wanting to comfort bad feelings away isn't the right reasons.

So even since the 4th I've been trying to figure out how to not spend much money and cheer Pete up.  But I'm blank.  He didn't want to go riding because the plans we had involved riding and he didn't want to waste money.  It was too hot out to go somewhere with the dog for a walk or something else to get his mind off of it.  He had been spending lots of time watching TV and on the internet searching for jobs so TV was out.  A movie means spending money.  As you can tell I'm still blank. 

So how do you comfort someone/cheer them up without using food? 

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

203.0; I Pushed Through

Satuday and Sunday I ran 4 miles each.  I did a lot of stretching in the middle of running.  I had Pete roll out my legs before and after I went to the gym.  But ultimately what it took is me pushing through it all to get to where I want to be.

Monday morning I went and did the Body Pump class.

All I can say is that 2 weeks off of most exercise does make your body forget the motions.  Forget the stretching, pulling, twisting.  In other words, my legs are so sore that I look like I'm about 142 years old.  But the bottom line is that I pushed through and got my workout mojo back.

Which brings me to this:  I think that there I am not going to ever be the type of person who works out 6 days a week, hard core, all the time.  What I mean to say is that I will always work out because I love the results and I think it's part of being a healthy person.  However, I think that there will be times when I'm so very committed to it and times when I need a 1-2 week break from the gym.  I need time to let my body and mind rest.

I wonder if Pete and I are the only people that seem to do this?  I read so many workout and healthiness blogs where the writers are hard core in the gym and eating correctly 95% of the time.  Do you do this?  If so I'd love to get in your brain and figure out how you constantly do it. 

Monday, July 02, 2012

203.8; My Plan for 7/11/12

I've talked before about how I had to stop taking an Nsaid as part of the band proceedure.  On 7/11 I go in for another fill.  At that appointment I need to have a talk with my doctor about options to try taking the Nsaid again.  I'm not looking forward to it.

I've noticed that my jaw is really sore, a lot.  It aches like it hasn't ached since before I went to the pain clinic just after 2000 and started my current pain managment program.  I don't know that I can live with this pain all the time. 

I've noticed that my hands ache a lot also.  I'd notice in prior winters, that if my hands were really cold on a particular day, the joints ached.  I'd use heat to help, but sometimes not even heat helped.  Now it's summer and my hands are warm a lot.  However, they ache a lot, especially the right one.  Sometimes they ache after a long day of motorcycle riding and I don't ever want to give that up.  I'm worried that I have the start of arthristis in them and I really need an Nsaid to help that out.

I'm also have issues with my monthly cycle that the Nsaid is really needed for. I have bad cramps and some other symptoms that my doctor feels would benefit from the Nsaid.

I've noticed that my body in general aches more now than it ever has.  I'm nervous to ask her about the Nsaid, because I agreed up front that I would have to stop these.  Despite the fact that she said I could try taking them afterwards if I really need them, I feel like I am failing by asking her about them.  I'm likely making a bigger deal of this than I need to, but I'm nervous.