Wednesday, July 18, 2012

206.4; Self Sabotage

I've been thinking a lot about this lately.  I mean who wouldn't after spending the last 60 days at essentially the same weight?  I boast about how I can maintain my weight all the time.  How I'm really good at it.  How I can do it with the best of them... 

On the other side of that I bitch and complain that I can't get any lower than about 204.  I'm at a plateau.  I'm unable to lose more and must need my band really tight. 

But Sunday Pete and I were watching that Extreme Makeover; Weight Loss Edition.  One commercial I softly said, "Am I self sabotaging?"  To his credit, he was quiet for a long time.  So much so that I thought he either didn't hear me or was ignoring me.  And although I think I knew the answer on the inside, my heart dropped a bit when he softly said, "Yes."

He waited for me to take that in and explained.  He said that I got a good string together at the gym and would be working hard, but then I stop.  I tried to interject that I only stop because I injure myself or get sick, but he wouldn't let me.  He told me that to lose, I needed to find a way to be consistent with the gym.  Inside I prickled and wanted to defend myself, but I also knew that he was right.

So now that I've conceded that I self sabotage.  I have to wonder, why do I do it?  That's the next answer I need to find.  I believe that it has to do with the fact that I'm 'safe' when I'm fat.  But I also think that it's something I need to think about more to figure it out fully and how to get past it.

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