Monday, May 12, 2014

Today And Only Today

Last week, I thought a lot about where I am and where I want to be.  I thought about how mad I was at myself for getting to this point.  I thought about how it's different trying to live like this again because I know the difference of being healthier. 

Let me say that again.  Before, weighed more and ate horrible and although I wished I was healthier, I was okay to a certain point, living like that because I didn't know any better.  Now I know how awesome to feels to be in great shape.  I know how euphoric it can be to exercise hard and see results.  I know how much more energy I had when I ate better.  I know the difference.

But, it occurs to me that I am somewhat like an alcoholic, only with food.  I have lived so long with the habits that I developed as an unhealthy young adult and adult, that the easiest thing for me to do in times of stress, hurt, anger, to return to them.  It's familiar and easy and calming.

But I know better.  I know much better.  And when you know better, you should be doing better. 

So today, and only today, I plan to:  choose to eat better, choose to move more, choose to destress when needed.  Tomorrow is another day and another chance to make good choices.  One day at a time.


  1. Hi Michelle, I very rarely comment on blogs but feel pulled to do so tonight. I have read your blog for quite a while. I have watched you struggle with depression as you try to work through mourning the loss of your breasts...which is what you are doing you know, mourning the loss of part of your very self. And that's a natural, normal reaction to what you have been through and it's totally OK! You seem to want to deny your feelings, which is exactly why you are stuck in them. You must allow yourself to work through all of the emotions tied to your experiences. You must get them out! It's like you are standing on the edge of a deep forest and truly the only way to get to the other side is to walk right through the middle of it. There are no short cuts around it.

    You are obviously a writer and understand how beneficial it can be, so I have a writing exercise you can do to help process your emotions. Write totally privately (for your eyes only, not blogging), unencumbered, without regard to format or grammar, etc. - just let the thoughts flow freely for 15-30 minutes each day. No editing. Just pure emotional writing. I believe you will see your thoughts and feelings change over time as you write. Yes it will take some time, but the time will pass anyway, whether you do this or not so why not try it. This is a proven self-therapy method that anyone can do and can be extremely beneficial.

    Also, I just read (previous post maybe) where you talked about being fully sugar addicted again. is a great blog by a woman who talks a lot about sugar addiction and how she has struggled/overcome it. She has great insight and advice. If you are not already aware of her blog please check it out - I think her knowledge can help you too. I have struggled with sugar addiction as well and (maybe you know this already) but I always find it takes 3 days of clean eating to get the sugar out of my system, and then the cravings fade away. I always have to cheer myself through those first three days, which can be tough for sure, but knowing by day four I won't have the cravings any more makes it easier. However, I believe your cravings are mostly emotionally tied right now so in order to get physically back on track (eating and exercise) you need to address the emotional baggage you are carrying. Once you get through that I believe you will be able to get back on track physically.

    I hope this (totally unsolicited, lol) advice helps you in some way. You can do it. I am praying for you, friend! :)

    1. I do appreciate it all. I think I do need to step back, write for me, not an audience and record what's going on to see patterns and make changes. Thank you