I'm currently at work. Tuesday morning. Breathing through an anxiety attack.
Yesterday I had to fill out Family Leave Medical Act paperwork for Human Resources. I had to have my doctor fill out a portion of it. When he faxed it back, the nosy receptionist received it and brought it to me. I'm sure all of my department knows about it by now.
This morning I started filling in my time sheets for my leave. That's when the anxiety started. My racing heart along with the short hallow breathing. I'm trying to lengthen the breaths but it does nothing for the racing heart. Nothing. Each little step in this journey seems to cause a new anxiety and a new question or concern or issue that I need to address. It's overwhelming and seems endless. Or maybe that's why I'm having anxiety? Because I know this portion of the journey is coming to a close and the surgery/painful phase is approaching.
I feel as though I'm mounting a list of "lasts". The last time I'll see coworkers. The last time I'll dress in my current clothes. The last time I sleep in bed with Pete. The last time I'll see my breasts. The last time I'll see my motorcycling friends. The last time I'll cuddle with my puppy. Lasts. Too many. And they make me teary just thinking about them, so I can't imagine actually doing them. I need to invest in kleenex.
I've been thinking a lot about the pain. I can't help it after hearing that nurse's comment last week. I'm no stranger to pain with the multiple TMJ surgeries and daily pain from that. But it's different because it's a pain I know; a pain that I'm used to. (Breathe) I can't imagine the amount of pain and when I try to mentally prepare I cry. Full out tears. It's so miserable to be in pain and not feeling good. It's miserable for a day or so, but a week or weeks? I'm worried about it. I know I can't avoid it. I know. But I'm worried that the pain will be overwhelming. I'm worried that my pain and issues will overwhelm Pete.
So before I make this anxiety worse, I'm going to leave it at that. My raw emotions and thoughts for today.