238; Better Choices

238 today.  I'm feeling better about this.  I have to admit that the 244 last week really got me down.  But I was hopeful that it would go down.

Breakfast:  the last few days I've been eating 1 egg, 2 egg whites, 1 cup fresh spinach, and veggies.  Today the veggies were 1/2 cup mushroom, 1/4 cup fresh mushrooms, handful of grape tomatoes and 1-2 ounces of cheese.  I usually don't finish it all and it keeps me full for a long time. 

Dinner:  last night it was salmon for Pete, tilapia for me; both in foil with lemon slices and lots of cracked pepper.  Foiled veggies for each of us too.  Healthy choices each time.

I made these today:  Redone Lemon Bars.  Only I used all the lemons yesterday making homemade lemonade so they ended up being Lemon-Lime Bars.  I can't wait to try them for dessert tonight.  I'm also on an ice cream kick.  Katie on Dashing Dish has an "ice cream" recipe I want to try.  But I'm most excited about trying low calorie sorbets.  I have huge amounts of fruit from Costco and I want to use it to make good things this week.

Unconsciously or consciously I am making better choices.

??? Suzie Homemaker

I'm on vacation.  Yay!  No work until 8/1/11!

I didn't weigh myself today.  Not because I was worried or didn't want to, but because I forgot.  I vaguely remember kissing Pete goodbye at 6am and then falling asleep.  When I woke up it was 8am.  I went down and got coffee started and started in on my to do list.  I have a bunch of things that I want to get done in the next week.  Deep cleaning and organizing and decluttering.

I worked on my to do list until noon and then headed out to run my errands and Pete's errands (see - Suzie Homemaker).  I came home and started dinner and Pete and I ate. 

I love days like this.  Days where I get things accomplished.  And although I didn't go to the gym today, I was moving ALL DAY.  So it's good on both fronts.

About the gym...I did something with my foot.  On Tuesday night during training with my trainer, I did mountain climbers.  I think it put way too much pressure on the balls of my feet.  I intended on running afterwards, but after about 10 minutes, my feet hurt.  Every time I took a stride on the ball of my left foot it hurt.  Immediate afterwards my toes would go numb.  I had this issue before, but solved it by getting good shoes.  Usually my shoes last me a good 12 months.  My shoes are only 8 months old, but after looking at the soles, they're pretty worn in the ball area.  So I'm going to try different shoes tomorrow and hope that the pain doesn't return.  If it does I think I need to either try new shoes or see a podiatrist.

Look Where You Want to Go

2.5 years ago Pete signed me up for motorcycle class.  It was actually my Valentine's gift and a lovely one at that.  In the weeks leading up to it I tried to figure out ways to get out of it, but still get my motorcycle endorsement for my drivers license.  The week came and I hadn't thought of anything so I went to the first class.  It was ok.  I was nervous (as with any new situation), a loner and stayed to myself.  Thankfully there were no group projects...at least none that I remember.

The second night of class was great.  I was a bit more confident and proud of myself for completing the book work.  Hell, I could just get my endorsement, right?  Nope.  Still had to do the actual learning how to ride a motorcycle and pass the road test.  Saturday brought sun, but cold.  I dressed warm and as I was leaving, I admitted to Pete that I was more nervous to do this class than I was to get married.  I don't know if that means I have no fears of marriage with Pete or if I was just terrified of learning to ride.  Either one, he sent me out the door to my class.

I got there and learned that I wasn't the only one who had NEVER ridden.  I started in and actually ended up doing very well.  Out of the 15 people, I was the highest scoring woman and I score higher than some of the guys.  A few of them came up to me during class and told me that I made it look easy.  After I picked my bottom jaw up off the wet pavement, I smiled and thanked them.  On the inside I was screaming, "IF YOU ONLY KNEW!"

Why am I telling you all this?  Well I rode my motorcycle last night.  After Pete and I ate dinner I had a narrow turn around to get off the cement (where kickstands don't melt into as they do on blacktop) and onto the service road.  When that happens I remind myself "Look where you want to go, not where you are."

Look where you want to go, not where you are.

Light bulb moment.  Yes, I remember that I need to take this day by day.  I remember that I need to focus on the here and now and not worry so much about what will happen in the future.  However, I need to look where I want to be each day.  Instead of lamenting the fact that I have gained 10 pounds in the last couple of months, I need to focus on what I can accomplish my the end of today to reach that lofty goal of additional weight loss.  Exercise, healthy food choices and portions, more water, better sleep and whatever else I figure out.

It seems so simple, but yet it took me a while to realize this.

240; Things That Make Me Feel Better

1.  Drinking lots of water.  I feel more hydrated, perkier in disposition and less hungry.

2.  Eating salads.  Somehow, knowing that I ate a head of lettuce (not really, but almost) along with veggies and cheese and some dressing, I feel better.  Almost as though I can feel the veggies fuel my body.

3.  Eating homemade baked sweet potato fries instead of purchased french fries.  They have more flavor and they make me happy because they're comforting.

4.  Pulling the drawstring on my capris tightly and having lots of extra "string" leftover when I tie it in a bow.  I feel like my waist has shrunk when I can do that, whether it has or not.

5.  While wrestling with Pete last week he tried to pinch my shoulder area and couldn't.  He couldn't because I was flexed and I have built up so much muscle that he couldn't get anything to pinch!!!! (true story)

6.  Making my own iced coffee.  I cold brew coffee by taking 1/4 pound of coffee and 2-4 tablespoons sugar  in a large bowl with 4 cups of water and sealing it up for 8 hours; shaking or mixing it 2-3 times.  Strain the grounds out through 3 layers of cheesecloth and a large fine mesh strainer.  Put into a sealed pitcher and in the fridge.  When it's time to drink:  Add ice to a large glass; fill 2/3 with coffee and 1/3 with unsweetened soy or almond milk.

7.  Falling asleep with the wisp of the ceiling fan on my skin and the heat of Pete's right hand touching the small of my back.

8.  This blog post. Because it just makes me giggle something fierce and laughing is good for your soul.

9.  Riding my motorcycle OR riding on the back of Pete's motorcycle while giving him a shoulder rub.  Good therapy.

10.  New make up in cool colors.  The new purple eyeshadow, the sea green/blue toenail polish and the brown lengthening mascara makes me feel pretty.

242; Partner With Fitness

Week1; Day 2:  242 today.  I decided that I'm going to weigh myself daily during this time so I can track my body for the next month.  I've never done that before.  Day 1 went ok.  I tracked my calories at 1468; 198 grams carbs, 50 grams fat and 62 grams of protein.  I had about 100 ounces of water during the day.

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The YMCA that I go to is having a Partner With Fitness night next Monday.  The trainers put together a night of exercise, silent auction, raffle and other things.  All the proceeds go to the Y Partner Fitness Campaign where they provide scholarships to those families that can't pay for full membership and for kids programs.  $20 for each of us because I talked Pete into going with me.  Actually I told the head trainer that I was going to go and trying to talk Pete into it.  He promptly found Pete in the gym and told him that he was signing him up for it no matter what! 
Starting at 5:30 they have a welcome and intro of all the trainers.  Then every 20 minutes they change exercise styles.  Turbokick, Kettlebells, Kickboxing, Core & More, Body Step and Yoga. 

2.5 hours of exercise.  I get to try all the different things and see if they're something that I could do.  I get to do 2.5 hours of exercise and chalk it up to the "plan" I have for the 4 weeks.  I'm pretty excited.

244; Week one, Day One

244.  Some of that is all the water I've been drinking in the last few days while being outside in the sauna that is currently MN.  Dew points in the 80's is not good.  Some of that is the junk I'm been eating.  Some of that is the exercise I've not been doing.

It changes today.  Week one, day one of the plan.

Surprisingly I woke up at 5 with my alarm and got to the gym.  Whereas previously when I set my alarm for the gym I couldn't drag myself out of bed.  But with the plan, I think I'm more motivated to get up and stick to it.

I spent 3 minutes on the treadmill - 2.04 miles, 300 calories and 16% fat burned.

I'm going to track food again in the 4 weeks as much as I can/  I'm not going to beat myself up about not doing it every day.  My goal is to workout and the food tracking is a bonus.

Glimmer of change

I'm taking this thing one day at a time.  I can change what I do today; make better choices today, do right today.  I cannot worry about tomorrow or next week or next month.  Now that's not to say that I'm not going to plan or think about the tomorrows, but I'm going to worry about today.  Live in the moment.  I forget that sometimes and in doing so I miss things that are right before me.

I just need to remind myself.  I think I need to wear the wristband from this page again.  As a reminder not only about what I eat, but my day in general.

Randoms

1.  We are talking all 4 nieces/nephews to the races in Shakopee tonight.  I'm excited to see all their faces.  But a littel stressed to get everything and everone where they need to be.

2.  Monday 7/25 Pete and I will be here exercising for 2.5 hours.  I'll tell you more about it soon.

3.  It's supposed to be hot this weekend.  Hot hot.  Perfect for riding.

4.  Even though Pete and I aren't going away for vacation in 2 weeks, I'm still taking time off.  I need to recharge.

The weight of the World

At times I think I take on too much.  Not physically or schedule-wize, but emotionally.  For instance, I feel as though the stress of Pete's not having a job is mine and the worry of his mental health is mine.  I've spent the day trying to think of fun and inexpensive getaways for 2 weeks from now when everyone else in our motorcycle club will be in Michigan camping.  I've been getting texts from Pete saying that he feels as though he's just a throw-away person because the company can't even give him a letter of recommendation because he's temp through and agency.  So I wonder how I can take his mind of this tonight after I get home from the gym.

But what I realize is that I'm taking on his emotions.  I need to figure out how to feel my emotions and worry about those and help him through his, not take them on.  I need to figure out how to support him without feeling the same things that he is feeling.  Maybe I focus so much on other's feelings because it allows me to not feel my feelings.  Maybe if I focus on others, then I won't have to focus on myself.

So my plan is to keep on with my plan.  I had to postpone my trainer workout on Monday to help my parents with a tree on their house from the storm Sunday night.  I burned calories then, just in a different way.  I have a workout tonight and then I'm going to spend some time in the spa and sauna.  Friday morning I'm going to work out.  Baby steps.  One thing at a time.  Focus on the workouts for now and try to eat healthy.  When it's a routine, then start something new. 

It's the plan.

My life on the rollercoaster

Also Known As (AKA):  Pete's getting laid off again. 

Immediately afterwards Pete started texting me about how he feels like a failure and it breaks my heart to hear him say that.  I went numb after he called me.  Almost like a I turned a switch in my head to the off position.  I didn't feel a desire to eat, binge or anything like I've heard others talk about.  But I ended up out to lunch with my co-workers.  I ate 2 bowls of Eddington's soup, several breadsticks and 2 plates of fresh fruit.  I was hoping that the fruit counteracted the soup/breadsticks.

When I got back to the office, I think my on/off switch started to flick on and I "felt" a little.  Immediately I got a headache and took some of the weak narcotic pain meds I have to treat the headaches.  The fear and upset and "bad" feelings started to kick in and I could actually feel them in the pit of my stomach.  It was doing flip flops and my brain was racing, trying to make sense of it all. 

And I waited for the feeling that others talk about, the feeling to binge.  But it never came.  What came instead is the urge to cut out of work early.  Race home and lay in bed watching mindless TV the rest of the day in a dark room.  I'd wait until Pete came home and cuddle him in my arms while we did nothing by lay there.  Then we'd order food for dinner and lay some more.

I'm trying to connect the bad things that happen to my inability to get back on the Healthy Train.  I'm trying to feel the feelings as they occur.  But I can't connect the dots.  All that results is that I'm even more frustrated with the process. 

I'm trying to sit with my feelings and feel them.  Feel the uncertainty about the future.  The worry about money.  The worry about Pete and his mental health.  I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, in the pain of my head, in the tiredness of my muscles.  But I don't know what it means in relation to my journey.

I need a plan

I've been thinking over the last few days.  I need a plan. You see Pete is challenged by 'beating' himself.  Not hitting himself, but beating his last workout or his last weight loss or his last calorie burn.  I don't seem to have that in me.  But I am a planner.  I like to plan things out and know how and when things are going to happen.

SO!  I need a plan.

Second step of this pre-plan is that I need to remember what worked for me in the past.  What I was doing when I was successful.  One thing I do know is that I liked having a calendar on my closet wall telling me what I needed to be doing each day.  So for now, until I can figure out what else worked for me, I'm going to do the calendar.

It's not that I'm not going to work out this week.  Not at all.  But the grand plan starts Monday. 

I'm Learning From Others

Getting to that place, or developing that skill, required letting go. I had to let go of a lot of hopes and dreams and expectations. The hope that this would be easy, the dream that it would be fast, and the expectation that I would never mess up. I was holding on to those things with all my might and as a result, I had no might to do the work that needed to be done. I couldn't do the work while I was just standing there trying to hold onto stuff. Beginning again requires letting go, and taking risk.

This from Real Fat Blog.  I read blogs everyday.  Sometimes on my netbook at home at night.  Sometimes on my couple minute breaks or lunch at work.  Sometimes on my Google Reader on my phone.  There are funny ones, recipe ones, crafting ones, child ones, friend's blogs and weight loss blogs. 

The weight loss ones have been foremost on my mind lately.  I see the people who've lost more weight than me and I dream of being where they are now.  I see the people who've just started and remember that I was once them.  I see the people who've chosen a different path and wonder if I should have chosen that path too. 

And sometimes, something that one of the bloggers says just hits me.  Smacks me right in the middle of my forehead as a wake up call.  Sometimes one of them inspires me so much that I cry because of their accomplishment.  Sometimes I recognize the struggle that they are in because I too am in that struggle at that very same time. 

This quote up there, it smacked me yesterday afternoon.  It hit me hard with the thought that I may be defeated, but I can go on.  Although I say that I know this is a journey, I really don't get it at times.  I don't internalize that I understand that it's not a quick process.  I think that because Pete can lose weight like other people drink water, I believe that I should too.  I say that I understand that it's okay not to be perfect with getting healthy, but I believe that I must be perfect for it to happen.  I see that others easily find ways to lose and think that I too should have an easy solution to this issue.  I say these things and think that saying them makes them real.  When in fact, I need to truly understand them and internalize them to really get what they're all about.

I think Pete probably said it best a few months ago:  It's not easy.  It's hard.  It hurts.  But it's worth it.  Sometimes that is my mantra on the treadmill and it gets me though.  Sometimes.  Other times I just want to give up no matter what.  And still others I am rejuvenated by the time spent on the treadmill and could go for a lot longer than I had planned.

Slightly Less Defeated

That's me.

I know that this is a journey.  I know that it's a struggle.  Some times though, I wonder why I was chosen to struggle.  It seems that I find one area in my life that I work on that becomes less of a struggle, only to realize that I need to work on another area.  Maybe this is what life is, one struggle after another?  It seems though that not everyone struggles so much. 

I need to find my healthiness mojo again.  I seem to have lost it somewhere in the last 6 months. Pete now gets up at 4:30 to be at the gym every morning by 5 so he can get to work on time after working out.  I used to do that.  But the thought of doing that now...I just can't seem to do it.  I can't seem to motivate. 

I've been trying to think back over the last 6 months about what helped me.  The month that I put up a workout schedule on the closet door and tried to keep to it, I did well.  The 2 week period that rewarded myself with a new headscarf for motorcycling if I went 10/14 days I did well.  When I track my food I do better with eating less calories.

I keep thinking about the phrase "Fake it 'til you make it."  Maybe I need to keep going and going until it becomes something that I get into again?  Maybe I need to find something new to do at the gym to motivate me and excite me.  I want to track my food, but I have a hard time with it after a couple of days.

I need a new plan.

I so appreciate the comments from my last post.  I am trying to think of the NSVs and a way to turn this around.

242; defeated

I have to admit I feel a bit defeated.  I stepped on the scale this morning and I was over 240.

I feel like such a failure. 

I'm not eating horribly.  I'm active all weekend long.  I'm drinking lots of water and fresh fruit while on the motorcycles.  I'm selecting leaner protein at meals out.  But I'm gaining.  It makes me want to throw up my hands and give up.  It makes me think more and more about the lap band surgery.  It scares me.  It depresses me.

I see my husband lose weight while eating what he wants.  I see him have the energy and drive to get to the gym every morning.  I see him happier than he has been and in smaller sizes. 

I feel defeated this morning.