Also Known As (AKA): Pete's getting laid off again.
Immediately afterwards Pete started texting me about how he feels like a failure and it breaks my heart to hear him say that. I went numb after he called me. Almost like a I turned a switch in my head to the off position. I didn't feel a desire to eat, binge or anything like I've heard others talk about. But I ended up out to lunch with my co-workers. I ate 2 bowls of Eddington's soup, several breadsticks and 2 plates of fresh fruit. I was hoping that the fruit counteracted the soup/breadsticks.
When I got back to the office, I think my on/off switch started to flick on and I "felt" a little. Immediately I got a headache and took some of the weak narcotic pain meds I have to treat the headaches. The fear and upset and "bad" feelings started to kick in and I could actually feel them in the pit of my stomach. It was doing flip flops and my brain was racing, trying to make sense of it all.
And I waited for the feeling that others talk about, the feeling to binge. But it never came. What came instead is the urge to cut out of work early. Race home and lay in bed watching mindless TV the rest of the day in a dark room. I'd wait until Pete came home and cuddle him in my arms while we did nothing by lay there. Then we'd order food for dinner and lay some more.
I'm trying to connect the bad things that happen to my inability to get back on the Healthy Train. I'm trying to feel the feelings as they occur. But I can't connect the dots. All that results is that I'm even more frustrated with the process.
I'm trying to sit with my feelings and feel them. Feel the uncertainty about the future. The worry about money. The worry about Pete and his mental health. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, in the pain of my head, in the tiredness of my muscles. But I don't know what it means in relation to my journey.