Mid Week With Pete

Monday Pete had a fashion show for me.  It was impromptu.  It was strange seeing a man flinging clothes around the bedroom.  And by the end, both of us were tired.

Usually it's Pete who sits in bed and watches me pull out random tops and bottoms.  I try one of each on, twirl in the closet mirror and decide one piece doesn't fit.  I take the offending piece off, replace it with another, do the twirl and ponder my choices again.  After a few changes I turn around and look at Pete while glancing at the mess of clothes on the floor and my corner of the bed.  By this time he's usually smiling and sometimes giggling.  He thinks girls are weird with their clothes. 

I keep telling Pete that clothes feel different on different days.  They hang differently, they lay differently, they're longer or shorter, or wider or shrunken.  Usually he smiles and shakes he head and just agrees to be agreeable.

Monday was different.  I sat on the bed in my narcotic haze with the remainder of a migraine.  He disappeared for a short time and reappeared  at the end of the bed with his wedding suit on and a huge grin.  "It fits!'  And fit it did!  He looked so handsome in it and I remembered the hot fall day we said our "I do's."  Then he disappeared and came back without the suit, but with a few shirts.  He tried those on and needless to say, ended up trying on his whole closet for me.  (Remember we live in a tiny townhouse so his whole closet isn't much more than the backseat of a Porsche.)

He'd pull on pants that he barely fit into 90 days ago and let go of them.  We'd both watch as they fell to the floor.  He'd pull on pants that haven't fit in 2 years and smile as he buttoned them up.  Some pants were kept, like the ones in the picture for his first bariatric center visit, so he can take a truly after picture.  Some were put in the donate pile that I have going. 

When he started on the shirts I commented how it was a good thing he hadn't just shaved his head.  2 days stubble creates friction when taking off his shirts and it sounds like a Brillo-pad scrubbing the sink.  No, Monday night his head slid in and out of shirt after shirt.  Most were way to big and created a bell effect with the bottom hem "dinging" around his hips while the top hung way past his shoulders.

By the end we were both tired.  The constant judging had done my headache in.  The constant trying on had done Pete in.  There were less clothes in the closet and more clothes in the donation pile. 

And Pete?  He had a smile.

Busy

Those 4 little letters...

Friday:  dinner with family for my birthday.  Pete says my birthday lasts for a week.  Who am I to complain?

Saturday:  I did 1 hour, 3.63 miles on the treadmill.  Then we went to the Donnie Smith Motorcycle Show.  Man I want to be riding...

Sunday:  Another hour and 3.83 miles on the treadmill, grocery shopping and resting.

Monday:  Migraine.  I get right brain headaches and I had a med that helped, but the manufacturer stopped making it.  So I try to use Excedrin Migraine/Cola and a narcotic if that doesn't help.  The narcotic won out yesterday.

Tuesday:  1 hour weights at the gym this morning.  So much so that I was shaking so much when I got to work an hour later that it was hard to type.  Long 12 hour day today and sadly more migraine - but I can't leave work early. :(

Busy.

240 - Maybe I'm not so Different?

Remember this post?  I talked about how my image was skewed in that I thought I was smaller than I really was.  About how I felt like this image was opposite what most people think.  And that I felt alone in my image of myself.

Well there is a story in the StarTribune online today about this issue. 

It appears that they did a study on what obese women's body image was. 

Women and children who are overweight and obese may have a skewed vision of just how heavy they are, a new study finds, as many underestimated how much they actually weighed.


Among the women, about 82 percent who were obese underestimated their weight, and about 43 percent who were overweight low-balled their weight. But only about 13 percent of normal weight women underestimated how much they weighed.

82% underestimated their weight.  Maybe I'm not so different after all?  Which leads me to wonder why this occurs?

"These findings imply that not only is obesity prevalent in urban America, but that those most affected by it are either unaware or underestimate their true weight," said Dr. Nicole Dumas, lead author of the study, in a news release.

In my case, I knew that I was overweight.  I just didn't know that I was "that" overweight. 

Very interesting.  No?

As for that big 240 up there...I'm not losing.  I'm not going to blame this on the time of the month, because it's usually not a factor.  My only thought about this is that I'm gaining so much muscle with the weights and the TRX and the kettlebells.  And I love it.  Don't get me wrong.  But I still want to see that number go down.  I think that for the next 7 days I need to focus on cardio and fat burn on my heart rate monitor.  Because honestly, that's all I have at this point.  I'm doing the right things.  I'm not over eating or eating bad things.  So 7 days and lots of cardio to see if I can make a difference.

April in Paris Chicago

In one of my past lives I used to be a scrapbooker/card maker.  I was all kinds of into it.  I was part of message boards, involved in teaching classes, went to conventions (near and far), worked at a store and even got paid for my creative work.  But part of me never quite fit in with all the rest of the paper crafters.  I was spouseless and childless.  While they were completing pages about their husbands and 2.5 children, I was completing pages about travelling and scenery and dreams. 

At the time, the majority of the products centered around family because the industry was based out of Utah and the Mormon Church.  The idea of completing a record of their family history lead to an industry in the crafting world that consumed it for a decade or more.  But I had no immediate family.  And the cute kiddie products and family products weren't me.

Eventually I found a message board dedicated to people like me in 2004.  People who didn't didn't fit the mold.  We spent time on the message board and got to know each other.  We talked about our lives with each other on the message board and through emails and chats off the board.  It became a place were I could go and speak freely about what was happening in my life, good and bad.

In 2005 I went to Arizona, where my family had a condo, for a winter vacation.  I met 4 of those women. 

That's me in the green shirt on the right hand side.  I had the best time and it was so cool to see some of the women that had been supporting me and that I had been supporting too.  In the mean time I've met a couple of the others.  We've all kept in touch and we've all laughed and cried with each other.  It's where I go when I need to vent or listen and I know that it's a safe place.

A year ago last December I got a call that one of these women had died.  I've done a lot of thinking since then about what these women mean to me.  When I try to talk about them, people in my immediate proximity stare at me confused.  They're unable to understand how friendships can be formed when you've never met the person face to face.  Yet, they don't take into account how powerful the Internet is.  How connected it makes you feel.

So this April, 13 of the 34 of us are getting together in Chicago.  We're going to celebrate Traci's life.  We''re going to hug each other in person.  We're going to talk and laugh and cry.  We're going to plant a tree in Traci's name.  We're going to vent and get angry about her death and other things.  Mostly, we're going to make the connection we already have, just that much stronger. 

I can't wait.

Mid Week With Pete

According to Pete, soup sucks.  lol  He's officially tired of soup and for someone who didn't like soup to begin with, he's done pretty well.  He's had 1 cheat.  He had about 1/2 cup of popcorn at a movie last Friday.  Other than that, when I ask him if he wants something that I'm cooking, he says no.  We went to the Mall of America on Saturday and stopped at a restaurant to eat.  He had about 3/4 cup of thick tomato soup and was full.  I had a Mediterranean salad with fresh veggies and I felt like I was speed eating compared to him.  He takes a bite and rests.  I take a bite, chew and take another bite.  It's a reminder to me to slow down.

He's continued to lose weight, but not at the same rate that he had been.  He's down into the 260's.  His clothes are starting to fit, well, kind of funky.  His midsection is still bigger and my supposition is that it's from the surgery and the port, in part.  The other part is that he lost so much weight so fast, that his body hung onto the fat in his midsection where men tend to hold onto excess fat - the spare tire.  He's frustrated that the smaller clothes don't always look good on him because of this.  So we've made a plan for me to teach him some of the core exercises that I know so he can work on that.  I think by strengthening his core, he'll start to lose that tire.

This weekend will be a test.  We're going out to eat with my family for my birthday.  Pete's restrictions include that he can eat some food as tolerated and he's craving wings.  He's going to try some boneless wings.  We're going out on Friday and I've committed to no meat so that's my diet restriction.

Today Pete met with the nutritionist for a post op meeting.  She gave him a card that he can present to restaurants for a kids meal if they have an issue with him ordering one.  Although I don't know how many restaurants would accept it?  We'll see.  Other than that she mainly wanted to check that he was drinking enough.  Next appointment is 4/6/11 for his first 'fill' of the band.

You say it's your birthday...

Na-na, na-na, na-na!  Is it wrong to sing to yourself?  If so, my brain is so wrong this morning! 

I am officially 41.  I don't feel older.  I think you lose that feeling older feeling about 12 and it only comes back when you're in your 80's.  I bought a watch Saturday at the QVC store in the Mall of America.  It's similar to this one only no Mickey.  Pete looked at it and asked why it was so big.  I told him watches must be like glasses - the older you are, the bigger the glass part gets. 

I started off today just like any other day - at the gym at 5am.  Pete accidentally took my running shoes out of the bag so I had to get on the treadmill in my outdoor running shoes that are 2 years old.  It was different and my legs noticed it.  I wanted to quit, but I did it.  Actually I wanted to stay in bed and listen to the rain/snow/sleet instead of going to the gym.  I did my 40 minutes/2.25 miles and we headed home. 

I've been working my behind off at work on a case that kind of blew up.  Sorry that I can't elaborate more.

I have a nice healthy fish dinner planned with more roasted veggies.  I didn't buy a cake and I don't think Pete is headed out to buy one.  However, someone at work brought The 7 Pound Chocolate Cake from Costco.  You can see pictures of it on the blog in the link.  It's SINFUL!  And I'm aiming to have a piece.  I've been and intend to be good in all my other eating for the rest of the day. 

As for my birthday goal of 15 pounds lost by today - I didn't make it.  But you know what?  I have so much muscle in my arms, back, chest and legs.  My pants are loser (I can fit into regular sizes/Misses clothes) in most stores for pants and shirts.  So I'm happy with my progress.  While I haven't lost pounds, I can tell that I've lost fat and built muscle.

My journey with Tuna.

I have memories of a child sitting in the kitchen in our apartment.  The walls were wallpapered with colorful flowers on a white background.  The floor was rolled vinyl and unmemorable in pattern.  The table had shiny, tubular metal legs that curved at the corners.  The tabletop was mottled grey, white and some cream.

I remember sitting at that table and eating tuna sandwiches with pickles on the side.  I remember that shortly after that my parents tried the "Tuna Diet" where you were to eat large quantities of tuna in a short amount of time.  Shortly after that, we stopped eating tuna on a regular basis.  My Mom would buy me the cans of tuna every once and a while as a treat.  There would be several diet attempts after that - Grapefruit Diet and the Cabbage Soup Diet.  Each time we'd stop eating whatever the main ingredient was.  To be honest, I kind of giggle when reading about these kinds of diets.  How absurd they sound!

Tuna and I persevered though.  I love my tuna packed in water and drained, a tiny bit of mayo (just enough to barely hold it together), a teaspoon of dijon mustard, 10 green olives chopped, a tablespoon of parmesan cheese, black pepper and some chopped parsely.  If I have it, I add minced celery.  I love it plain, with crackers, on toast and in a melt.

Fresh tuna is another story.  It's like salmon to me - mysterious and appealing.  For the record I do not like salmon unless it's smoked.  I keep trying it and it just does nothing for me.  The texture and the strong taste is off-putting.  So a few weeks ago I bought Pete salmon and instead to my usual tilapia I bought a fresh tuna steak.  I brought it home and marinaded it some soy, ginger and garlic and baked it with his salmon.  Verdict?  It tasted just like canned tuna.  Hmmm....

This weekend I was determined to try it again.  I asked for recipes on facebook and searched online.  I found a good recipe and learned that you're only supposed to cook it a minute on each side and eat it rare.  Ummmmm.....Ok.  I marinaded in soy, garlic, honey and wasabi paste.  the marinade was delicious.  I grilled it this time on the grill pan I have after dipping in sesame seeds on both sides.  1 minute was not very long and it was still all pink so I went for 1.5 minutes on each side.

Verdict?  The outsides that were cooked longer were ok, but still lacked intense flavor that I thought would be there.  The middle?  I couldn't eat it because rare tuna to me is...icky. 

I think my journey with fresh tuna is over.  Canned tuna, will you take me back?

237; My Fear

I have an admission - I missed the first 2 TRX classes.  The first one I wasn't feeling very good and couldn't see myself participating.  The second one Pete had just come home and was still loopy from the medication and I couldn't leave him.  Last night I went to my first class.

Have I told you that I have social anxiety?  I do.  I dislike new social situations because I'm never quite sure where things are and how "it" goes.  I'm one of those people who sit and take it all in, figure out 'my place' and then start socializing.  Until I can do that and get my footing so to speak, I'm very uncomfortable.  I am getting better though.  My insomnia medication actually is an anti-anxiety med too so the carry over helps out.  And to be honest, Pete helps me feel comfortable.  But Pete can't go everywhere with me.

So yesterday I went to the gym before work (5am) and did my 40 minutes on the treadmill.  We went home and I got ready and went to work.  I worked 10 hours and came home to eat dinner and relax for about 30 minutes.  Then I got my gym clothes back on and went back to the gym for TRX.  I spent 20 minutes of the treadmill before the class so that I was warmed up. 

Now I go to the Y.  It's as family friendly as you can get, unless you work out at home.  Yet there are still the women in full make up and cute ponytail complete with the bump on the top of their head, jewelry and pretty workout clothes.  And they intimidate me.  They're thin and the only working out they do is the gossiping with each other while they walk on the treadmills at a 2.

So this is what I texted Pete while on my treadmill: 

I feel like I'm gonna be the only fat one who won't know what to do.

*sigh*  And to his credit he sent me back a text that said "You're not fat!"  I was intimidated by the perfect people around me and that combined with the social anxiety almost stopped me from going.  But I talked myself into it.  And you know what?  The class was hard.  Within 10 minutes I was sweating so much my shirt was wet.  And there were things that I couldn't do so I had to modify them.  But I did it. 

There have been other times like this.  Other times were I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and did it.  Sometimes the outcome wasn't good.  But mostly, when I push myself and do something new or hard I realize that I CAN DO IT, that I'm not going to die from a new social situation and that even if I don't succeed I have a feeling of accomplishment.

Mid Week With Pete (the late edition)

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, I was having a right brain migraine and computering wasn't a good thing.

Pete is doing good.  He has lost 17 pounds in the last week.  Consider this though:  he had lots of fluids in his tissues from the IV during and after surgery and he's been on a liquid diet for over a week. 

Sunday was a bad day for him mentally.  He was having pain and thought it was from the surgery.  However, we figured out that he is allergic to the adhesive for the bandages and tapes.  It was actually his skin that was hurting him.  Once he took the tape off he felt better.  Prior to that he either had to take the narcotic pains meds from the doctor that made him tired and sleepy or chewable children's Tylenol.  Neither of them taste very good and when you're trying to take water slowly, it leaves the taste in your mouth.  He said "If I had known that I'd have to do this I wouldn't have had the surgery."  Now do I think that he was honestly saying that it wasn't worth it?  No.  I think that he had a moment of depression about his current state and it came out at that time. 

He's been going to the gym with me and walking 30-40 minutes on the treadmill.  He got approval yesterday to do more running, but still no lifting over 20 pounds and no pushing/pulling.  He's doing pretty good with that, but is frustrated that he lost some of his cardio and that he can't lift weights yet.  He's also frustrated because he's losing the weight differently.  He's losing in his legs, arms, face...but his middle is staying the same.  I think that some of that is from the surgery and it will go down.  I also think that he's just losing differently and will need to work on his midsection with weights in the future.

He sees the doctor again in 3 weeks and they'll do their first fill.  He sees the nutritionist next week to go over food choices and amounts.  In the mean time this made him really happy yesterday:

The "kids" are home from winter storage.  He's probably sitting on his right now in the garage, just thinking about riding.  He can't ride though for at least 2 weeks because of the weight restriction.  His "Siren" is pretty heavy to get up off the kickstand and over his 20 pound weight limit.

I like Turnips!

After attending the class by KitchenWerks I did a little shopping.  I knew that I had ground turkey that I had to use.  I also knew that I wanted to make things that aren't necessarily appealing to Pete.  So I bought a sweet potato, a yam, some green top carrots, red beets, red onion and turnips along with the other things that I grabbed while shopping.

Sunday we woke up and went to the gym where I realized that I've dropped my per mile time by 5 minutes since last year.  So while I'm not quite running all the time, I'm walking pretty fast and putting 8-10 intervals of 1-1.5 minutes of running in my 30 or 40 minutes on the treadmill.  I was pretty proud of myself.

We came home and I made myself breakfast:  2 eggs, 1 cup packed fresh spinach, 2 diced green onions, 2 slices low salt deli ham chopped, 2 diced mushrooms, 1/8 cup dicd red pepper.  I made it into scrambled eggs and added 2 small slices of rye bread.  Actually I had this for both Saturday and Sunday breakfast. 

Breakfast was so late that I had a snack of 4 slices of low salt salami, 2 slices of swiss lace cheese and 2-1 inch slices of red pepper.

Dinner was awesome!  All those veggies up there?  I cut them into similar sizes and drizzled with 1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil and put them on a sheet pan with Pink Himalayan salt and cracked pepper.  I roasted them at 425 for 40 minutes.  They were DEVINE!  All of the veggies get caramelized and turn sweet and so flavorful.  I cooked the ground turkey into burgers with ginger, diced green onion, soy and 1 teaspoon sesame oil.

Remember those lasagna rolls that I made last week?  I had 3 meals off them and ate  total of 4 of them.  The remaining 5 I wrapped up individually and put in the freezer.  I can either defrost them and heat in the microwave or oven and instant dinner.

By the way, I have pictures of all of this!  Where are they you ask?  Well, they're on my phone and the emails have been sent to my computer - but for some reason they're in outer space floating around somewhere - all 3 copies of them.  When they reach my Earthly email I'll post them...

Learning

Yesterday I went to a class put on by KitchenWerks.  It was about how to shop and what to shop for.  I'm not going to go into the whole class because honestly, I think that everyone should take this class or a class like it.  What I do want to relay is that there are tips and tricks for anyone who shops.  Think about things like how many ingredients are in that bottle of salad dressing and can you make it yourself at home with real ingredients?  Think about how much per ounce you're paying for a product and why it's first ingredient is water? 

I actually practiced what i learned and did a little shopping right after the class.  I'm exited to try shopping this way next weekend when I grocery shop.

Pete's doing well.  He's struggling a bit with pain.  The narcotics are making him really tired, but the alternative is children's tylenol.  Have you ever tried it?  The liquid is so sickly sweet that it's pretty hard to take and it's making him sick to his stomach.  The chewables are about the same.  So I'm on the search for adult liquid tylenol.

Lasagna Rolls

So Pete is home and resting and good.  He's a bit sore in the abdomen, but other than that feels fine.

I'm taking the time that he can't eat real food to make things that he doesn't like, but I'm trying to make them better for me.  This is one of those things.

Spinach, Mushroom and Olive Lasanga Rolls

9 cooked & cooked lasagna noodles
10 ounces skim ricotta cheese
1 egg, beaten
1 large bag of fresh spinach
1 small red onion, minced and split into 3 portions
1 container of baby bella mushrooms, sliced
2 teaspoons garlic split into 2 portions
1 small can of sliced black olives
1 jar of your favorite marinara
1/4 cup shredded maxarella
salt & pepper

In a large skillet, put 2 teaspoons olive oil and let it heat up.  Add 1/3 of the onion and 1 teaspoon garlic.  Cook for 1 minute and then add the whole bag of spinach.  Let it wilt, stirring, for 4-5 minutes.  Remove to a bowl lined with 3 layers of paper towels.  In the same pan, add 1 teaspoon olive oil and let it heat.  Add 1/3 of the onion and the other teaspoon of garlic.  Add the mushrooms and saute for 4-5 minutes or until they're cooked and slightly shrunk.  Remove to a bowl lined with paper towel.

Heat oven to 400 degrees.  Take a 9x9 pan and lightly spray with olive oil and then put 1 cup of pasta sauce in the bottom.

In a large bowl mix the cheeses, the remaining onion, the black olives and the beaten egg.  Squeeze out the excess water from the spinach and add to the bowl.  Squeeze out the excess water from the mushrooms and add those.  Mix well, salt and pepper.

On a flexible cutting board, lay out one cooked noodle.  Put 1/3 cup cheese mixture on the noodle and spread it out, leaving 2 inches on the end with no mixture.  Roll up so that the free noodle is on the outside.  Lay it seam side down in the pan and repeat until they're all done.  Pour 2 cups of sauce over the rolls, covering them all.

Bake 40 minutes at 400.

The recipe counter that I use says that it has 255 calories, 8 grams fat, 25 grams carbs, 5 grams fiber and 11 grams protein.

And since Pete is resting, let's not tell him that I started a burner on fire while making this, ok? 

The Past

I've been thinking a lot about my journey.  About why it's taking so long and what's really going on.  I've been thinking about how I got so big and when it happened. 

When I was a kid, my mom had to search for the skinniest jeans/pants and still take them in because I was so thin.  However, I was tall.  I was 5'2" by 5th grade and by 6th grade I was 5'7" - my current height.  I think I associated tallness with being "big".  But pictures of me show that I was really thin.  I remember one of my aunts telling me that I was lucky - I could gain a lot of weight and still be thin because I was so tall.  What a thing to tell a new teen.

In junior high and high school all the other kids caught up to me.  I was average.  I ate what I wanted, but it was balanced meals because my mom insisted upon it.  I was also active with softball all spring, summer and fall.  I went to college a size large and about 14 pants.  I have pictures of myself my second year of college and I looked good!  I remember thinking that I was big again, but looking back I was the opposite - I was likely just where I was supposed to be.

Suddenly I was graduating college in 1993 and had the chicken pox.  I remember seeing a doctor who was no longer concerned about my pox, but asking me about my weight.  I was offended.  Who was he to ask me about my weight?  By that time I was a size 24.  And I gave up.  I literally gave up on trying to be average and fit in.

About 6 years ago I experienced some stress in my life and ended up losing weight because of it.  I got down to an 18 and was happy.  But I had given up and didn't know how to keep the weight loss going and maintain.  About 4 years ago I started thinking that I need to take control of my life.  I was the only one who could do it and I needed to do it.  It was on my own terms and in my own way.

Mid Week With Pete

By the time this posts and you read it, Pete and I will be on our way to the hospital for his surgery.  I'll try to remember to post a follow up Wednesday after the surgery.  It will depend on the Internet access, my brain and how tired I am.  I'm trying to figure out if it's going to freak Pete out if I go to the gym in the morning or not.  He's all about being way early for things and it would be cutting it close for me to get 35 minutes on the treadmill, get home and showered so we can leave in time for him.  And honestly if it's going to make him too anxious, I'll skip it.  After all, it's all about him.

Pete's having a Realize Band placed rather than a Lap Band.  To be honest, I thought Lap Band had cornered the market on the procedure.  But I find out that everyone calls it a Lap Band when it's actually gastric banding.  Much like most people say Kleenex (brand) when they mean facial tissue.

My understanding is that the bands themselves are much the same.  The Realize band doesn't stretch when filled like the Lap Band does and uses low pressure.  The Realize Band has up to 11mm of fill where the Lap Band only has up to 9.  The Realize is not sewn into the surrounding tissue and muscle, it's 'hooked' into tissue in the abdomen to float a bit. 

The actual surgery is scheduled to take less than 60 minutes.  However, he'll be in the hospital overnight.  He's got 1 week of clear liquids, 1 week of clear plus cloudy liquids, 1 week of super mushy/thin foods, 2 weeks of soft foods and then on the 6th week he can start adding in foods as tolerated.  The goal is that he will be eating about 3/4 -1 cup of food for each meal plus drinking about 32-64 ounces of water a day.  In a year they expect him to lose about 30% of his weight.

I am both excited for him and anxious to see how his journey changes after tomorrow.

Giving myself Credit

Today I am going to give myself credit for what I have done.  In the last 9 days, I've been to the gym 6 times.  No less than 35 minutes spent on the treadmill 4 of those days and no less than 1 hour lifting weights/interval training the other 2 days.  I've been eating every few hours to keep my metabolism going and eating smaller portions of things that are good for me.  I bought and made something with quinoa - a first for me. 

Today I had my alarm set for 4:40am.  I don't remember turning it off.  The first thing I remember is checking my phone and seeing that it was 5:20am.  I had a choice.  Get up and get to work so that I could take less vacation for Pete's surgery.  Roll over and sleep for another 40 minutes before getting ready for work.  Get up and go to the gym as planned.  I chose the last one.  When I got there, my HRM wasn't reading right.  Either I'm talented and can keep my heart rate at 150 All The Time or something was off about it.  I could have used that as an excuse to stop and figure it out.  But I didn't.  I kept walking/running.  35 minutes/2.5 miles.  A short cardio day for me, but a planned short cardio day for me.

I ended with a smile.  Because I had made several choices this morning that ended up with that feeling.  You know, the one where you know that you've worked out because your muscles a bit tight/a bit sore.  I love that feeling.  My trainer commented on watching me and seeing that I was doing a good job on my own.  Then she told me that I should make up the 4 kettlebell classes I missed starting this Friday.  I could have said it was ok and I didn't need to.  But I didn't.  I said that I'd love to make them up. 

Credit for doing the right thing, even when it's the hard thing.

Lent

I'm Catholic.  Although I struggle sometimes with the teachings of the Church, I still feel Catholic.  It's a comfort to me and I think religion should bring one comfort.  So Lent starts this week.  Wednesday is Ash Wednesday and I don't know that I'll get to Mass because it's the day Pete has surgery.  The day will not go unobserved though. 

I'm struggling with what I should give up for Lent.  We give something up in Lent to learn self control and discipline, to identify with Jesus' sufferings and as an act of sorrow for all our sins. 

About 6 years ago I gave up fast food for Lent.  I was spending too much time in drive-throughs for lunches and dinners.  I LOVED Burger King's onions rings, Taco Bell's gorditas and McDonald's cheeseburgers.  I did allow myself what they call 'casual fast food' - Chipolte and Panera.  To this day I don't like fast food and it no longer likes me.  I feel really awful if I eat it.

Last year I gave up soda.  Man was that hard.  It's not that I bought it for home, but at work or our with friends or with my family - I drank soda.  Dr. Pepper to be exact.  The first couple of months were hard.  I never craved the soda, but I craved the carbonation.  The bubbly feeling in my mouth and down my throat.  I tried carbonated waters, but they weren't the same and I gave up on the carbonation.  Now I have a soda occasionally - usually just when Pete and I go to the movies.  The sweetness is overpowering and the carbonation makes me feel bloated for a couple of hours.  Again, I feel yucky after drinking it.

This year?  Instead of giving up something, I think I may way to commit to something.  It serves the same purpose - learning self control by following the commitment, remembering his sufferings by following through (no matter the cost) and the sorrow?  Well, leaving behind the old is sorrowful.

I think my commitment for Lent is to be meatless on Fridays and Tuesdays and commit to the gym 6 days a week. 

The Weekend

Well, the TV is hung.  Not without arguments, upset and irritation.  But it's on the wall.  Clearly Pete and I have different styles of getting things done.  We;d figured this out over the summer trying to put up and take down the attachment that comes with our motorcycle camper.  And while we've pretty much figured how what works for that, clearly this TV thing demonstrates that we need to be better about communication when we do other things. 

Pete and I spent about 1.5 hours in the grocery store Saturday afternoon.  He read labels and searched for things to eat in the first few weeks after surgery.  Sugar free jellos, 100% fruit juices, sugar free jam, sugar free Nestles Quick, skim milk, broth and cream soups.  His 2 week menu is pretty limited.  In week 3 he can have soft/mashed food.  We have a whole counter devoted to his food so it's easy to get at and he's not having to open cupboards to search.

I was at the gym both mornings this weekend and spent almost an hour on the treadmill.  I'm hoping that I can get to the gym this week on the days I have planned.  It will mean that I need to be there when it opens on the day that Pete has his surgery and the next day.  But I can do it.  I will do it.

Ann asked me why I skipped TRX last week in the comments.  I don't have a good answer.  Actually I do have a good answer.  I didn't set myself up to win.  I didn't sleep good the night before because I wasn't feeling good.  I has reservations to Fogo de Chao with Pete for an early birthday dinner.  By the time we got home, I was drained, my throat was raw from my sinus' draining and I didn't have it in me to go.  What I should have done was cancelled the reservations for dinner, slept and went to the class.  I plan on setting myself up to win this week.

Friday Randoms

1.  My Dad is coming over this weekend to help Pete and I hang our new DH-TV in the bedroom.  Why is my Dad helping?  Because Pete and I apparently have no ability to get things level and even.  My Dad does. 

2.  My Mom might be coming with him.  It will be the 3rd or 4th time that she has been at our house since I bought it in 2006.  I feel like it's a test. (for those that don't know, it's a rocky relationship)

3.  I skipped my first TRX class last night and I feel guilty. 

4.  I went back to menu planning for the week and using that to purchase only what we need for groceries.  It makes me for less anxious about shopping.

5.  I was 238 on the scale this morning.  But I'm not going to get worried about it.

6.  I may be able to start working at home 1 day every two weeks.  (Yay!)

7.  I'm turning 41 this month and I don't know how I feel about that yet.

8.  I signed up for Shop Smarter on 3/12/11.  I'm excited to learn new things in the grocery store!

9.  A group of women that I have only known on the internet for about 6 years are getting together in April and I don't think I can go.

10.  I am in no mood to work this week.

Working through it

I'm trying.  Really trying.  But it's getting old. 

I am dead tired today.  My glands are swollen in my neck again.  And my throat hurts to swallow.  My head is full again and my left ear is buzzing away.  If there was a huge old frowny face I'd be using it here.  I have another Z-Pack of antibiotics that I can start Saturday.  Until then, I'm going to try to work through it.

I skipped the gym yesterday.  I did too much working on with weights on Tuesday and was majorly sore.  As in hurts-to-potty-sore.  Today I'm leaving work early so that Pete and I can enjoy my early birthday dinner during restaurant week at Fogo de Chao.  Can't beat the Minneapolis-St. Paul Magazine Restaurant Week prices and we both love the place.  Then I have my first TRX class at the Y.

I am determined to work through this.  To keep going and pretend that it's not there this time and see what happens.  I am determined to get a rhythm going again.

Mid Week With Pete

Remember how I said that Pete wouldn't reach his goal of losing 50 pounds by the surgery?  Well, he's still trying.  I have to give him credit, because when he puts his mind to losing weight, he does it. 

Want to know something interesting though?  I realized Monday that he has the same fears, irritations, upsets, worries and thoughts that I do about the process.  It was a major realization for me.  We were on the way to the gym and he was upset because he was up from his weight the day before.  I kept telling him that he needed to give himself credit for what he has done.  He needed to realize that his body was telling him something with his weight.  He needed to not focus on the weight, but the trend that his body has.  That he's doing the best he can and it will come off. 

Then I had my "Ah-Ha!" moment.  I asked him, 'Why is is so hard to hear what I'm saying when you say the same things to me when I complain about my process?"  He sat silent for a long time thinking about it.  In that moment I think we both realized that we have different paths in our journey, but similar issues.  In that moment I realized that I need to take a step back when I get frustrated and really listen to the people around me and what they are saying. 

As for Pete - today is his pre-op physical.  He's not letting up on trying to lose weight and continuing at the gym.  We were at the grocery store this weekend (it doesn't often happen that we're there together) and spent a short amount of time looking for things for him to eat.  Then we agreed that we'd have to have his list of approved items and come back. 

Taking a page from Pete...

I had insomnia the other night again.  And as my mind wandered around I started to wonder if I was OCD enough to lose weight.  Or does it take some OCD to be able to successfully lose weight?  And if it does, how does this play into finding a solution that will last me the rest of my life?  A sustainable lifetime of healthiness.

Let me qualify that I don't think Pete is OCD about everything.  I don't think that he needs meds or anything like that.  But he, like me, has certain issues.  (don't we all?)  He must have all the garbage out on garbage day.  Even if that means dumping out the 10 cough drops from the bag onto my nightstand so that the bag can be tossed.  Or if that means unrolling the 20 paper towels from the roll so that the roll can be tossed and the towels lay on the counter.  My thing is that the sheets must be tucked in and tight so they don't bunch around my feet at night.  Weird, yes.  OCD?  Maybe.

The more that I thought about Pete's weight loss in the last few months the more I thought it was like OCD.  He eats the same thing for breakfast and lunch every day (most every day).  He exercises until he burns 1000 calories.  He lifts weights a certain amount.  But he loses the weight.  But it's not sustainable.

Then I think about other bloggers that I read about who have schedules and count calories and limit foods and must workout and, and, and...and I wonder, does successfully losing weight mean that you are very OCD about calories and exercise to the point that it takes over your life for the rest of your life?  And do I have that in me?  Because I've been at the same 10 pound range for 8-9 months.  I can't get over the hump.  Some of it is illness, but is the rest me resisting?  Knowing that if I take this on fully it means the end of my life as it is?  If I do this and succeed will I be forever watching my calories and forever scheduling workouts?  Will I ever be normal?  Or is normal that OCD person and I just never knew it because I was overweight?  Is that how "normal" people have been living all their lives?