I've been thinking a lot about my journey. About why it's taking so long and what's really going on. I've been thinking about how I got so big and when it happened.
When I was a kid, my mom had to search for the skinniest jeans/pants and still take them in because I was so thin. However, I was tall. I was 5'2" by 5th grade and by 6th grade I was 5'7" - my current height. I think I associated tallness with being "big". But pictures of me show that I was really thin. I remember one of my aunts telling me that I was lucky - I could gain a lot of weight and still be thin because I was so tall. What a thing to tell a new teen.
In junior high and high school all the other kids caught up to me. I was average. I ate what I wanted, but it was balanced meals because my mom insisted upon it. I was also active with softball all spring, summer and fall. I went to college a size large and about 14 pants. I have pictures of myself my second year of college and I looked good! I remember thinking that I was big again, but looking back I was the opposite - I was likely just where I was supposed to be.
Suddenly I was graduating college in 1993 and had the chicken pox. I remember seeing a doctor who was no longer concerned about my pox, but asking me about my weight. I was offended. Who was he to ask me about my weight? By that time I was a size 24. And I gave up. I literally gave up on trying to be average and fit in.
About 6 years ago I experienced some stress in my life and ended up losing weight because of it. I got down to an 18 and was happy. But I had given up and didn't know how to keep the weight loss going and maintain. About 4 years ago I started thinking that I need to take control of my life. I was the only one who could do it and I needed to do it. It was on my own terms and in my own way.