The Past

I've been thinking a lot about my journey.  About why it's taking so long and what's really going on.  I've been thinking about how I got so big and when it happened. 

When I was a kid, my mom had to search for the skinniest jeans/pants and still take them in because I was so thin.  However, I was tall.  I was 5'2" by 5th grade and by 6th grade I was 5'7" - my current height.  I think I associated tallness with being "big".  But pictures of me show that I was really thin.  I remember one of my aunts telling me that I was lucky - I could gain a lot of weight and still be thin because I was so tall.  What a thing to tell a new teen.

In junior high and high school all the other kids caught up to me.  I was average.  I ate what I wanted, but it was balanced meals because my mom insisted upon it.  I was also active with softball all spring, summer and fall.  I went to college a size large and about 14 pants.  I have pictures of myself my second year of college and I looked good!  I remember thinking that I was big again, but looking back I was the opposite - I was likely just where I was supposed to be.

Suddenly I was graduating college in 1993 and had the chicken pox.  I remember seeing a doctor who was no longer concerned about my pox, but asking me about my weight.  I was offended.  Who was he to ask me about my weight?  By that time I was a size 24.  And I gave up.  I literally gave up on trying to be average and fit in.

About 6 years ago I experienced some stress in my life and ended up losing weight because of it.  I got down to an 18 and was happy.  But I had given up and didn't know how to keep the weight loss going and maintain.  About 4 years ago I started thinking that I need to take control of my life.  I was the only one who could do it and I needed to do it.  It was on my own terms and in my own way.