Monday, December 14, 2009

Don't Postpone Joy

Thursday night I was laying in bed watching TV with Pete. My phone rang and a woman said "Hi this is Becky." My mind searched for a Becky and I told her that I didn't know anyone by that name and she must have the wrong number. Then she called me my message board name.
So while my mind was still trying to recover from that she said "Traci is dead, she was hit by a train." My heart dropped. I was in disbelief and I froze. She started explaining and then had to go after asking me to post the news on the message board we're a part of. I hung up and stared at my phone. I tried to explain to Pete what happened and stared. I went on the message board and sat there, refreshing the page. I was sure that it was a hoax, so I waited about 15 minutes before I finally decided it wasn't a hoax and I needed to post the news.

That was 4 days ago. I still can't look at or hear a train without getting sick to my stomach. I know that I need to ride one soon though so that I can get over that feeling. I can't bear to see her smiling profile picture on Facebook without crying. I think it's because I can hear her smile. So I keep looking at it. I pull out the black boots that I have from the closet and stare at them because she loved boots and they remind me of her. I drank a nice dark beer Friday night in her honor, she would have been proud.

Oh yeah, I've never shook her hand, gave her a hug or looked at her eye to eye. All of our interactions have been through mail, email, texting, calls or the private message board we belong to. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for her and the other friends I have on there, I would not have gotten through some of the toughest times at work and in my personal life in the last 6 years.

I don't know what else to say about her. If you want to read about her go here or My Eclectic Mess or Camp Chaos or her finace's blog at Rockbottom To Redemption . You'll see that she was much loved and will be greatly missed. I keep thinking that I suddenly get this great inspiration to write something that will be all healing to everyone. To her fiance, to her 18 year old son, to her soon to be bonus kiddos, to her friends. But nothing seems comforting. Nothing seems to fill in that place that was her.

My one saving grace in this is that is was happy. She had her ups and downs in the years that I've known her. Some really really ups and some really bad downs. Last Thursday she was happy. I can only hope that she is at peace and that someday the rest of us will find peace too.

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