191; Good Friday Fives

1.  Good Good Friday!  East approaches.  And my resolve to wear one of these has fallen:

Kiki La Rue Maxi

Denim & Co Maxi from QVC

It's going to be 48 degrees with rain and potentially falling temps to snow.  Open toed shoes will not cut it.

2.  I am only working half day today.  Then I'm going home to wait for the truck to pick up these:


Pete's Road King and My 1200 Nighster
 

It's time for their Spring Check Up.  But that means they will then sit in the garage waiting for the snow to leave.  I'm thinking I may end up finding Pete sleeping on his one day just so he has more seat time with it...

3.  I am up 2-3 pounds in the last couple of weeks.  It's a combination of me not eating right and my inability to drag my behind out of bed in the am for the gym.  I plan on getting some good workouts in this weekend.

4.  We're headed out for a band, second weekend in a row.  Woo-Hoo!  This one is only about 5 miles from home.  So maybe we can stay out past our 11pm bedtime?

5.  I've been very reflective and introspective this Lenten Season.  I hope that it continues and I can listen to myself and be ok, just being "ME" more often.

191; Body Acceptance

I know I've been promising updates about my surgery and the last year and photos. While partly I've been waiting for a blog redesign,  I think subconsciously I have been avoiding it because of some skin issues. 

Yesterday afternoon I took a break from reviewing files and read the news.  I found this quote:

These were all women of various sizes and shapes and some, like me, bore the marks of a difficult life. My tattoos represent much of the pain and suffering I have endured. They are part of me, just like my scars, my fat, my eternal struggle with gravity. None of our bodies are 'perfect.'

The quote is from Margaret Cho and it spoke to me.  If you don't know who she is, she's a comic who's been heavy and lost weight.  She's spoken out about not getting jobs in entertainment because of her weight and the mind games it led her to play.  Margaret seems to have come to terms with her body, good, bad or otherwise.

I never understood tattoos until I met Pete.  I mean I understand that you get them and live with them, but I didn't really get them.  Shortly after we met, we were walking in a park talking and I asked him about his tattoos and then I asked if he regretted any of them.  I'll never forget that he told me very quickly that he never regretted them.  Even the ones that had lost some of the meaning.  He explained that they told the story of his life, they made him remember just where he was and what he was doing and how he felt.  I got it.  I understand tattoos (for most people) are like the storyboard of their life.  I'm not saying that there are some dumb tats from people who didn't think them out that are bad, but for those who really think about tats, they're the story.

It also lead me back to NieNie's Tuesday Post about the beauty of a woman.  "A woman's skin tells her story. Where she's been.  How she's lived. What she's accomplished."  Nienie talks about her plane crash and shows the years of change that her new skin, mixed with her old skin does tell the story of her life.  Not the life that she imagined, but her life none the less.

Yesterday as I read Margaret's quote and thought back to NieNie's post, I was first upset that they made Margaret cover her body up.  Then I got to the end of Margaret's quote and thought, crap, that's me.  I thought back to NieNie's post and realized that the two go hand in hand.  I wondered why I couldn't see this before.  Then I thought that maybe I had, but can't really accept it. 

What am I rambling about?  The story of my life, my storyboard.  My body.  Maybe mine isn't covered in tats.  But I have scars and saggy skin and wrinkles.  Some of the scars - like the dog bites on my face and my TMJ surgeries - I've learned to accept and to live with.  I've learned they are part of me.  I don't even think twice about them any longer because it's been so long that they are me. 

The newer scars and saggy skin and lumps/bumps and wrinkles, they're harder to accept.  But they tell my story too, my more recent story.  Why am I ashamed of them?  Why do they lead me to be less than happy about where I am?  Why?  partly because I ABUSED my body for long long by being overweight and not doing anything about it.  So it's my "fault".  Partly because it's not the picture I had in my head about what would happen when I lost weight - I thought I'd be "perfect".  Partly because I haven't lost all the weight that I wanted to, yet.

But at the same time, how can I deny my journey thus far?  How can I deny the hard work and the dedication and the changes that I've made?  So I'm going to have a nice big 4/1/13 post ready that outlines my journey progress, complete with photos.  It's my journey dammit and I'm claiming it.

 

??; Weighin Wednesday and Bloglovin Baby!

Have you read that Google is getting rid of the Reader?  I don't understand, other than they want you to partake in Google+, which isn't my cup of tea.  So Bloglovin it is.

Have you checked it out?  I resisted.  For a while.  Then I realized that I needed something to keep my blogs organized and easily read.  There is even an app for that:  Bloglovin App. 

I've said this before, but I'll continue to say it.  Get your motivation, support and help where you can.  If it's the Internet like I did, choose some blogs and follow them.  Read some other blogs form the ones you like to find new ones.  Explore. 

 
I'm linking up again for Weigh In Wednesday.  But as you can tell from my title, I didn't weigh myself today.  It's the third day this week that I've been late to work.  It's the second day this week that I didn't hear my alarm go off...either of them.  So I added a third one and turned the volume up on my phone to screaming and added a rockin' Bon Jovi song.  I'm determined to get up tomorrow for the gym if it kills me.

I'm in limbo...kind of.  I seem to do ok lately either with my eating or my working out, but not both.  My goal for April is to work on both, at least 5 days a week.  5 days is do-able.  It's also the time when more fresh veggies and fruit start appearing so eating better is easier.

190.0; Seriousness & Link Up Fun

The serious part:  There was a blogger conference last weekend that I'm hearing a lot about.  It was greatly anticipated and billed as fun and learning and networking.  It was also expensive.  But that I'm hearing is that it wasn't any of the above.  That a group of mean girl bloggers created an atmosphere of, well mean. 

I've talked before about how I didn't have much in person support (other than Pete, who is a man) when I started trying to get healthy.  About how I used the internet sites and articles and groups and bloggers to help me figure out my plan, help motoivate me on my journey. I will NEVER understand women who put other women down.  Is the high that they get from putting someone down lasting so long that it outweighs the high that comes from building someone up?  Life is hard.  There are struggles.  Why on Earth would we, as women, continue to put other women down and keep them down?  Why?

I honestly don't get it.

I'm linking up with Holly and Jake again.  The sentence completion leaves me realizing that sometimes the stuff in my head may just be better left there...

1. If calories didn't count, I would eat...a brick of blue cheese, a jug of  salsa, a jar of green olives and the full sheet birthday cake.  Not necessarily in that order.

2. On my Prom night....I had a badly sprained ankle and had to hide my left shoe in a plant all night so I didn't have to carry it around.  (true story - pinky swear)

3. When I go to the store, I always buy...crap.  Lots and lots of crap.  Then I go to the next store and buy more crap.  I get home and unpack the crap and wonder why I put it in the cart. 

4. Family functions typically...involve so much interaction that I need a nap afterwards.

5. I think my blog readers...Readers?  I have readers?  I have freaking awesome readers who support me!

6. I'd much rather be.....at home, in bed with the items in #1.

7. I have an obsession with....purse, $10 beauty boxes and Kiki La'Rue.

8. My work friends....believe that I am the crazy woman at the gym at 5am who lost weight, but brings in decadent desserts every month.

9. When I created my Facebook account....I did so to spy on my husband's exes.  I never found any of them...yet.

10. My least favorite word is...scale.

11. I really don't remember....yesterday, I mean this morning, I mean 5 minutes ago, what was the question?

12. Justin Bieber....I got nothing here.  Nothing.  He freaks me out way too much.

190; Somedays You're The Bug

Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug.  Can you guess what I am today?

I have a recap of last week that was crazy busy and fun and strange and all that, along with photos and information from my 1 year anniversary of my Realize Band.  But that's for later this week.

We went to the Donnie Smith Motorcycle Show on Saturday, with a tag-along 10 year old.  She actually texted Pete Mr Softy who can't say no and we picked her up on our way to the show.  She followed him around like a puppy listening to every word.  The relationship between the two of them is very cute and great for both of them.  But have you ever tried to explain inappropriate T-Shirt and Sticker sayings to a 10 year old without actually explaining them?  Yeah, me neither, until Saturday.

Alison with my vest on and a helmet that she said looked pretty awesome...until she realized it was skeletons.

Alison with the Izzy Double and bonus scoop.

Sunday morning we got up and all three of us headed to the gym (because Mr Softy can't say now to sleeping over so she can sleep with the dog...lol)  Unfortunately the Kids Zone was closed while we were there.  So Alison was in the gym for a while with Pete while he ran on his bouncy shoes.  Then she rode the bike a short time next to me on the treadmill.  But it wasn't working and she was bored.  So we all went to swim.  We played in the pool for a while and then went home...where I took a nap.

*sigh*  I know that napping means that I likely will have a hard time sleeping, but I was sooooo tired.  So a short nap, bring Alison home, grocery shop, prep dinner and lunches for the week, eat dinner and relax about 7:30 pm.

I think I fell asleep about 1 am and my alarm went off at 4:30am.  I got up and headed to the gym, but it was one of those days where it's just not clicking.  I walked/jogged my 40 minutes and headed to Body Pump.  But my favorite instructor was out sick and the fill in is not very good and I ended up leaving half way through.  I got home and lay back in bed, cuddling with the pup.  I was ready to just call into work when I remembered that I was covering for a coworker.  I rushed though my shower and getting ready in record time.  Only to get to the SUV and realize that my gas light was on.  I rushed to work (please let me make it to a gas station after work) and ran up the stairs to see the coworker there.  Confused, she reminded me it was actually tomorrow.  *sigh*

Is it time to go home yet?  Please?

188.2; Weigh In Wednesday

It's Wednesday.  Midweek.  I'm still at 188.  I say still with some defeat that it's not gone lower.  But I also say still with pride that it's not going up.  I believe that I am definitely in the 180's to stay.  Hip Hip Hooray!

Tomorrow is a big day.  1 year since my Realize Band was put in.  I year of struggles and learning.  I year of losing and gaining some an losing again.  I've been reflecting with Pete and hopefully I can get some of those emotions and feelings down for you.  I'm also trying to get Pete to take some photos of me so that I can compare before and after.  I'm afraid of put them out for the world to see, but it's my journey, you know?  And it's authentic.  Mine.

Friday is another big day.  I'll be 43.  And I have to renew my drivers license.  Usually this is a pain and I hate it.  I can't wait to have a new photo taken!  And for the first time since high school, the weight on my license will be TRUE!  I can honestly say that I'm excited to renew this year!

187.6; Dealing With Stress

10 years ago I lived by myself.  When I had a stressful day at work, a bad weekend for whatever reason or just sad/depressed, I dealt with it.  But it's likely that how I did that, isn't how normal people deal with it.

I'd stop at the grocery store on the way home.  There I'd get a pint of ice cream, a "picnic" cake that should serve 4, salsa, sour cream, shredded cheddar cheese, tortilla chips, a chocolate bar, several diet dr peppers and likely various other items.  I'd pretend that I was shopping for my family and I and sometimes get enough for 4 people, adding a deli salad or something else to go with all this.

I'd get back in my vehicle to drive home and plan how and where I was going to eat it.  When I got home I'd put the ice cream in the freezer, the cake in the fridge.  The 6 ounces of sour cream in a large ice cream bowl with about 1/2 cup of the shredded cheese and about 2 cups of salsa over that.  Then I'd take the bowl with chips , the deli salad, the soda and the chocolate bar up to my bedroom.  I'd make the room really dark, turn the TV on and get into bed with my "dinner".  I'd spend the next hour eating as much as I could, until I felt relaxed and soothed and "full".  Once I felt full I was less stressed, but regretful.  I'd lay and watch TV some more.

After about an hour or so I'd take the dishes and things to the kitchen and get my dessert.  Because nothing sooths the soul like cake and ice cream.  No bother dishing it up - take the carton and the cake in it's box back to my bedroom with another soda.  I'd eat about half the ice cream and about 1/3 of the cake.  Then I'd take the leftovers back to the kitchen, but only because I didn't want the ice cream to melt for the next time I ate some.

I'd go back to bed, in the dark, with the TV and lay.  Soothed because I was full in my tummy.  A bit later I'd drink the third soda and eat the chocolate bar before turning out the lights to sleep.

Truth is, I wasn't less stressed after eating all that.  Sure, it felt comforting to eat those foods, because I was focused on the food and the taste, rather than the stress or depression.  But once the food was gone and I was there by myself and regretted what I ate, I was still there.  The initial stress was gone, but a new feeling of depression would set in.  I'd lament my choices and plan never to do it again.  But I did.  Over and over and over again.  Food was my constant friend when no one else was.

So here I am, 98 pounds less and about 5 years from my heaviest and worst habits.  You know what I want to do when I'm stressed or depressed?  Head to the grocery store.  It takes EVERYTHING within me to not make that trip.  It's easy to tell myself that I deserve the treat, the comfort of a cookie when things go bad.  But the truth is, I end up at the end of the cookie, just the same. 

Instead, I write.  I think and talk aloud.  I read.  I take a bath.  I walk the dog.  I even go to the gym sometimes and run my ass off.  Are there times that I indulge in the treat?  Yep.  I'm human and it's ok to make mistakes.  But when I do that I'm aware that I'm doing it, I'm not eating 4000 calories and cups of food and I don't continue to do it all night.  Is it hard to change?  Yep.  But unless I want the scale to go in the other direction, I need to start realizing that emotions can't be eaten away and my situation does not get better with food.  It's ok to be scared, stressed, angry, disappointed, upset...EVERYONE feels those emotions and lives through to the other side to be ok at the end.

I need to repeat that:  EVERYONE FEELS EMOTIONS AND LIVED THROUGH TO BE OK AT THE END.  Feel them, don't feed them.

188.2; Friday Fives

1.  Thank goodness for the weekend.  I don't know what's planned for the weekend, but just knowing that it's here is enough.

2.  I'm on the hunt still for those new running shoes.  My feet are sore after a run and yet I can't find anyone in the area who has my style and size.  I may need to resort to Zappos.

3.  I'm still addicted to Jodi Arias's murder trial.  Partly because I like law and justice (that's why I do what I do).  It's fascinating to see how the evidence is presented and how the defendant is presenting themselves.

Source:  NYTimes

4.  I still crave carbonation at times.  I drank a really really cold Sparkling Ice yesterday.  Then promptly felt bloated and uncomfortable.  It's not over carbonated so it goes down, but once it's there, the carbonation sits.  Yuk.

5.  In the last 3 weeks I've purchased 3 dresses.  Spring/Summer dresses.  It snowed again today.  Clearly the weather hasn't decided to cooperate with my clothing choices.

So that's it for today.  I have I bunch of posts planned for the next couple of weeks as I reach my 1 year post surgery.  Lots of thoughts floating around in my head!

187.6; Behinder and Behinder

I had a migraine yesterday.  Thus the lack of posting.

I missed Weigh in Wednesday. I'm holding strong at 187 and some the last week.  Partly it's due to a couple of days where food just wasn't going down well.  I'd eat a bit and be done.  Just done.  Then I got a fill of my band on Monday.  I was at 9.75 (out of 11cc's) and added .3.  I think things were/are going well, but I wanted to feel a bit more restriction at meals. I certainly had the capacity to eat more an 1 to 1.5 cups at a meal.  Since the fill I'm right at that cup or so for eat meal and 2 snacks.  Last night for dinner I had a hard boiled egg and a cup of chocolate coy milk.  Lots of protein some carbs.  I was full. 

I was awake at 4am today.  The dog was barking at something downstairs, but I'm not sure what it was.  So I've been at work since just before 6 am.  Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be gone from work.  I am behind because we have people out of the unit that we are covering for.  I am behind because I am the contact while my supervisor is out of the office on vacation.  Add in a day off and I am behinder and behinder.  So 6am I was in clearing out documents and trying to get caught up.

I KEEKED this morning about being behind.  That's when I noticed that I seemed to have Fraggle Rock hair:

 

 

 

  See the floating hair at the top of my head?  Yep.  Fraggle Rock hair. 

*sigh*  It's almost the weekend, right?  I need the weekend soon, ok?

187.6: Protein

I'm determined that one day the scale at the doctor's office will match my scale at home.  Although I'm guessing that the doctor's office frowns on nakedness in the hallways.  But I would wear one of those paper gowns that barely covers my midsection and has no ties. 

3/21/13 marks 1 year since my surgery.  I have lots of updates and photos planned for next week.  3/22/13 is my 43rd birthday.  I am freaking O.L.D. 

So the CDC recommends that women over 19 consume 46 grams of protein a day.  It's been a while since I logged food, but I did it for the last few days to check out where I'm at.  I'm averaging about 30 grams a day.  Much less than what I should be getting.  And in talking with the nutritionist, it may be the cause of my want to snack between meals.

So I'm on a mission to get more protein.  First, she suggested that I drink a protein shake before working out.  She is concerned that my workout comes after 8 hours of fasting while I'm sleeping.  Good in theory, not so good in practice.  I'm up at 4:30am to get to the gym.  I'm barely awake, let alone willing to eat.  Prior to surgery I'd eat 1/2 a LaraBar or 1/2 a banana before working out and the other half when I was done.  But after surgery I realized that my band wasn't going to let me eat early - it needed to warm up and relax. 

So this morning I used Pete's Body by Vi mix to make myself a protein shake:  1 scoop of shake mix for 6 grams, 2 Tblsp PB2 for 5 grams and 1 cup soy chocolate milk for 5 grams = total 16 grams.  Mixed it up and sat in the kitchen trying to drink.  It went down slowly - over about 15 minutes.  I headed to the gym and by the time I got there 10 minutes later my tummy was not happy.  I ended up walking for 40 minutes because my stomach was so upset that I couldn't bounce while running.  No good.

So now what?  Pete suggested just trying 1/2 cup soy milk and then a protein shake after working out for breakfast instead of my oatmeal or with my oatmeal (it's only 100 calories).  I don't know what I'll do, but it's got to be something different.  I'm also focusing on protein my meals and snacks.  I had the shake for breakfast/workout this morning and my mid morning snack was a hard boiled egg.  I have fruit and some cheese for an afternoon snack if I feel I need it.

Are you getting enough protein?

188.8; The Ring

In 2007 I opened a little Christmas present and found a ring.  I came to find out that Pete had been throwing in random questions for about 6 months.  Things like do I like colored jewelry or clear?  Do I like silver or gold?  Do I like squares or circles?  Do I like big jewelry or small?  Now all together, the questions are obvious, but he would throw in one every couple of weeks and mentally log the answer.

After I opened it, I asked Pete what it was and he asked me what I wanted it to be.  I asked him where I should put it on and he told me to put it on the finger I wanted it to go on.  Now I know this sounds, well, dorky and unromantic.  But you have to remember that we had dated twice before and broken up for 9 mos to a year each time.  We knew that we wanted to be together, but we had been a bit damaged by past relationships and were shy about stepping all the way again. 

So there I sat, in the living room, on the floor, with the ring in my fingers and looking at Pete and the ring.  I've never shared this before, so bare with me.  My thoughts were racing and I couldn't believe that I would be getting married.  I was happy and over the moon inside.  I looked at Pete with more love than I ever had looked at anyone else.  I was excited.

But you know what?  I also knew that the ring wouldn't fit me.  It was a 6 1/2 and I had been wearing at least a 7, mostly a 7 1/2.  My heart was flying, but my mind was racing, trying to figure out a way to make it fit and to make the day special as it was intended to be.  I delayed putting it on and likely caused Pete a heart attack.  But I couldn't think of a way to make it all work out. 

In the end, he encouraged me to put it on and smiled at me.  I couldn't deny that face, could I?  I slid that ring on my left ring finger and down to the knuckle.  It slid over the knuckle a bit tight and to the fleshy part of my finger.  I kept pushing, hoping that it would slide to the base of my finger.  To say that I was shocked when it actually fit, is a huge understatement.  It fit.  Fit.  YAY!  I'd later learn that he had tricked me with a story a few months before and had a twist tie on my ringer finger that it used to have the jeweler size it.

In September, Pete and I will have been married 5 years.  The ring is perfect.  It's everything I would have chosen and it's a daily reminder of the day we said our I DO's.  When I leave the house and it's not on, I feel naked.  I feel like I'm saying my marriage isn't important.  I know that not everyone feels that way, but I do. 

See how far up it fits on my finger?  I like my rings a bit loose so that they sit over the meaty part of my finger and not tight around them.  But at this point in my weight loss, my rings are really loose.  To the point that I can't wear them at times.  If my hands are cold they fall right off.  I've tried to get a plastic tube thing that goes over the bands in the back to make them stay on my finger, but it lasted all of 3 days before the plastic edge caught on something and came off.  I've tried using smaller sized rings that I put on after my ring to make sure it won't slide off, but the rings spin so much that the bands come apart and they're all over the place.

So what to do?  The bands are so thin that the jeweler recommends only sizing them once and when I do, I need to solder the bands together.  Am I at that place?  I'm guessing that my finger is about a 5 1/2 right now.  Will I lose more and be stuck with rings that I can't resize again?  It would kill me to not be able to wear my ring(s).  I just don't know and I don't want to be wrong with this weight loss decision.

190.4; Linking UP - Hilarity

I'm linking up today with:

 

  Love the photos, don't you?  Here goes:

1. People always tell me....  that I look younger than I am.  Supposedly I can attribute this to the greasy slick that that my face has been the majority of my life.  Who knew I'd love my problematic oily skin later in life?

2. In the movie based on my life...  I'd be played by Meg Ryan (is she still alive?) and Pete would be played by Charlie Hunnam, who is Jax from Sons of Anarchy.  Yum. 

3. Typically, I end up regretting....  the random stuff that comes out of my mouth.  Similar to things like...well this list...

4. I always ask to leave off the....  ketchup.  NAST to the Y!

5. Kim and Kanye really...  confuse me.  Either she has clothing that is suctioned to her body or is meant for a 4 year old.  He doesn't like anyone and I can't figure out why he is famous?

6. My Parents always reminded me...  to clean my room.

7. Every single day I..... catch myself trying to figure out who that new woman is in the mirror, only to realize it's me...

8. This one time in College...I went home with a roommate.  Her family thought she introduced me as Shevy instead of Shelly.  And I was too shy to correct them so I let them call me Shevy all weekend.  It's become my nickname.

9. My grossest habit is... I leave my fork on my desk at work all week.  Apparently you're supposed to put it in your desk.  Who knew?
10. My latest white lie was... there are too many to remember...
11. I know all the words to... every Bon Jovi song.  Sadly I am stuck in the 80's hair band days.  You should have seen my high bangs and teased out hair... talk about awesome!
12. When I grow up... dang, aren't I a grown up yet?  Really?
13. Sexy time is... (Chris's Mamie reads my blog, so I might skip this one)  sexy.
14. I will never, ever... get back together...wait, never mind.  Return my niece and nephew to my sister all hyped up on candy, caffeine and with only 3 hours of sleep.  (I think I know the answer to #10....)
15. I think it's hilarious... that my hubby sits outside the studio where I do Body Pump and mimics me three times a week.  Apparently so do my classmates.  They might be burning additional calories with all the excessive laughing....

190.2: Soooooo Close....

I'm back down to 190.2.  Sooooo close to that 189, yet soooooo far.  Keep at it, right?

The night before last I couldn't fall asleep.  One of those nights.  I think the last time I looked at my phone it was a little after 1am.  My alarm goes off at 4:30am.  Yeeeeaaaaah.  4 hours.  So when I got home yesterday I was drained.  I made dinner and then Pete and I headed to bed.  Seriously.  I laid in bed listening to American Idol and Pete actually fell asleep right away.  At 9pm I let the dog out and it was lights out for me. 

(sidebar)
I love the 9pm news.  I don't have to wait until 10pm to get my news fix before bed.  But if I keep going the way I am, the 6:30pm news will likely be my 'late news' and I'll be in bed, asleep, by 7pm.  (end sidebar)

So this morning I woke up at 4:30 am on the dot....with no alarm.

Then I played the game "Should I go to the gym or not?" Apparently after the inner mind duel, the gym side won.  I got up and headed out.  I did 4.75 miles in 60 minutes; some jogging, some walking up hill, some running and some intervals.  But crap, there are some treadmill dos and don'ts when you're at the gym. 

1. If there are 15 open treadmills, don't pick one right next to someone else.  Leave a 1 treadmill buffer between you.
2. If you're running and the person next to you is running AND you both have ear buds in, don't try to talk to them about what's on their TV.  Just do your own thing, and I'll do mine.
3. For Pete's sake...if you ate a dozen hard boiled eggs for dinner and have egg farts, buffer yourself by at least 4 treadmills.  AGAIN, don't go right next to the one that is already taken.

I'm sure there are more rules, but this is what I have from this morning.  I can't ever look at an egg in the same way after breathing that in while I'm huffing and puffing from running intervals.  Ever. 

191.0; Exercise Baby!

I'm linking up:

If you haven't been over to Erin or Alex's blogs check them out.  And do something else.  Check out the linked up bloggers.  There are usually some really good ones.  I've spent more than my share of time reading these last few weeks.

My weight remains unchanged.  Boo Hoo.  I've done some longer (for me) runs in the last few days - 4.5 and 5 miles.  My legs felt tired afterwards, but good tired.  You know that kind of tired that makes you remember how hard you worked out each time you step?  Yep, that's the tired I'm talking about.

I need some new running gear.  Anyone else wear a HRM strap and have issues with your bra getting between the sensors and your skin?  Or is it just me?  I've tried more structured bras and cheep stretchy bras and they both seem to do it after a while.  I need to find a solution for that.  I also need more running tops.  I like to run in yoga tops.  Don't ask me why.  Ok, fine, ask.  It's because the structure of the fabric holds me and my excess tummy skin in and more of the air form the fans get to my skin.  But damn if it's not hard to find fitted yoga tops that aren't $70.  I think I'm checking out the outlet store this weekend.

It's also time for new shoes.  I have about 6 months on these and my toes are starting to numb up again after runs.  I'd love one of these:

But will likely end up with this again due to my wonky feet and stride:

Sigh.  I believe my feet are aching to have some girly, bright, fun colors to make them go faster.  However, they're also calling for much support and help with planting my foot...(sigh).

191.8; Negative Self Talk

The other night I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep.  I have insomnia and take anti anxiety meds to help me get to sleep and stay asleep.  It's not a perfect cure, but I also don't want to spend my nights eating at the White Castle drive in naked while taking Ambien.  Because I am POSITIVE that this would happen only to me.  And my little mini schnauzer would be in the passenger seat wearing these, even though he hates them:

So when I take the meds I lay down and try to relax and hope that I fall asleep.  But often it doesn't happen.  And what I've discovered is that in that time between it not happening right away and my actually falling asleep, I engage in lots and lots of negative self talk.

I beat myself up for forgetting to send back my shirt.  I silently berate myself for not paying the gas bill yesterday and having to send it today.  I yell at myself for not going to the gym.  I curse myself for not getting the bathroom cleaned like I had planned.  I plan my tomorrow so that I get all those things done, plus the new things and then again berate myself over and over the next night for failing to get it all done again.

In these moments of self doubt I wonder if I'm where I'm supposed to be in life?  Did I make all the right choices (other than Pete and the pup above - those choices are SOLID)?  Did I do all that I can do to be a good me?  What other things can I do?  How can I change my life to be better? 

It's these questions and concerns and worries and issues that keep me from falling asleep.  I used to try to occupy my mind with a story or something to make sure that I wasn't berating myself.  Now I turn to my cell phone and try to play a quiet game while I wait for the medicine to do it's thing.

I wasn't always like this.  It started in my 30s.  There was a period where I was averaging 2 hours of sleep a night because I was so involved in my head.  And it used to be that I made lists in my head of things to do or things that I had done that day.  Now it's turned to beating myself up about what happened recently or didn't happen.  I don't know when it shirted, but it did.

My goal for March is to stop myself from the negative self talk at night.  Instead to start listing the things that I did do that day.  The things that I have in my life that are working.  And to gently remind myself of 1 thing only to do better the following day.  One.  Not forty.

192; Eating Out After Surgery

So this month marks 2 years since Pete had his gastric band and a year since I had mine.  I'll have updates from us both later this month.

But I want to talk about eating out.  In reality we don't eat out that much anymore.  Partly because we cut back when Pete was on unemployment, partly because we have a pup to come home to and let out and partly because it's tricky to order after surgery.

First of all I don't even want to discourage anyone from having any surgery to help with weight loss.  It's a tool that I choose to use.  Certainly if it was a wonder surgery I'd be 150 pounds by now.  Clearly, at 190 and struggling, it's not.  But there are aspects of life that you have to change after you have surgery.  Eating out is one of them.  At least for me.

When Pete had his surgery, our plan on eating out was that we'd split an entree and an appetizer.  This way we got enough food for both of us and enough of a choice/variety for both of us.  But then I had my surgery and our amount of food was even less, we decided that for the most part, we'd be splitting meals out.  Now that's not to say that we don't ever each order a whole meal, it happens sometimes.  Then we have a lot of leftovers.  It's always a dance over who chooses what.  But Pete is a gentleman and usually lets me choose, as long as it's something that he would eat too.

But there are issues.  As we've found out, nothing is ever without issues.  There are times that restaurants are hesitant allowing us to split a meal.  We have to explain that we both have surgery and can't finish the whole meal.  Some of them will then actually split the beautiful plate so that we each enough half the meal.  Some will refuse to split the plate and Pete and I eat off the same plate.  How romantic, right?  LOL  And still other places charge a split plate fee.  Anywhere from $5-$10.  At times the fee is almost as much as another entree; in those cases we just order a second entree and plan on lots of leftovers.

To be honest, I understand that in the more expensive restaurants we are playing with their presentation.  However, at the chain places, it shouldn't be that big of a deal - nothing is really artfully arranged.  So at times it again feels like we are penalized.  Before it was paying more for larger sizes of clothes, now it's more to eat less food.  Penalty.

I have to say that my dream eating out meal is a burger.  But it's not happened for me.  Maybe that's why I still dream of it?  There is nothing like a burger out with all the stuff on it that I don't keep at home and all the sauces and cheese that I can fit on it.  The issue for me is that I can't eat the burger with the bun.  The textures of the two are so different that it gets stuck.  So I avoid that.  But then the burger is sometimes really dry with the stuff taken off.  So then it gets stuck too.  A homemade burger isn't the same and I can't really recreate it.  So as of today, my dream meal out is a juicy burger with fries!

191.4; Friday Fives

1.  Lesson learned:  mussels plus cream sauce are WAY to rich for me.  When I was a kid, I got sick off scallops in cream sauce and it wasn't until this year that I tried scallops again.  I tried mussels for the first time Wednesday night in a beautiful saffron cream sauce.  Wonderful!  But I spent the rest of the evening and the whole next day in bed wishing my stomach was separate from my body.

2.  Tonight is the last night of our Mpls St Paul Restaurant Week.  We're headed to The Capital Grille.  This time it's back to salad, veggies and steak.  No more cream sauce with seafood.  I'm hesitant, but have been waiting to go here for so long, that I can't miss it tonight. 

3.  Pete and I did our taxes this week.  We'll be rich for a millisecond until we catch up on bills from Pete being out of work.  I'm going to celebrate the millisecond and the paying of the bills.

4.  I'm also looking for ward to a new dish disposal.  The one we have now is done.  DONE.  It currently must be started Flinstone style with the end of  a wooden spoon and then shoots water out the cabinet door.  Pete is the absolute fix it until it can't be fixed guy.  And this one can't be fixed anymore.

5.  Thanks to my upset stomach and issues yesterday, I am caught up on Real Housewives, Combat Medics, Moonshiners, Cooks Illustrated, Full Throttle and The Americans.  Love the Tivo in our bedroom.  Additionally because the anti nausea med gives me such a headache, I spent the day doped up.  Today I have a migraine med hangover and more sleep, more anti nausea meds and Tivo.