The other night I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep. I have insomnia and take anti anxiety meds to help me get to sleep and stay asleep. It's not a perfect cure, but I also don't want to spend my nights eating at the White Castle drive in naked while taking Ambien. Because I am POSITIVE that this would happen only to me. And my little mini schnauzer would be in the passenger seat wearing these, even though he hates them:
I beat myself up for forgetting to send back my shirt. I silently berate myself for not paying the gas bill yesterday and having to send it today. I yell at myself for not going to the gym. I curse myself for not getting the bathroom cleaned like I had planned. I plan my tomorrow so that I get all those things done, plus the new things and then again berate myself over and over the next night for failing to get it all done again.
In these moments of self doubt I wonder if I'm where I'm supposed to be in life? Did I make all the right choices (other than Pete and the pup above - those choices are SOLID)? Did I do all that I can do to be a good me? What other things can I do? How can I change my life to be better?
It's these questions and concerns and worries and issues that keep me from falling asleep. I used to try to occupy my mind with a story or something to make sure that I wasn't berating myself. Now I turn to my cell phone and try to play a quiet game while I wait for the medicine to do it's thing.
I wasn't always like this. It started in my 30s. There was a period where I was averaging 2 hours of sleep a night because I was so involved in my head. And it used to be that I made lists in my head of things to do or things that I had done that day. Now it's turned to beating myself up about what happened recently or didn't happen. I don't know when it shirted, but it did.
My goal for March is to stop myself from the negative self talk at night. Instead to start listing the things that I did do that day. The things that I have in my life that are working. And to gently remind myself of 1 thing only to do better the following day. One. Not forty.