196.0; Friday Fives

1.  I'm really doing the 5K this weekend.  I mean I confirmed with my sister that I have the right weekend this time and everything.

2.  My back is sore.  I need to figure out how to heal it as quickly as I can.  I hate not working out right now.

3.  Sunday Pete and I are having photos taken.  Some with the bikes and some without.  Some all bikered up and some without.  I can't wait and hope that they are awesome!

4.  Grocery shopping.  I'll take more about this next week, but we've been "eating our fridge" before I shop again.  It's nice to see it all empty and then filled up with good food again.

5.  I really really really want my first "cool" pair of jeans from Maurices.  You know the kind, bling on the pockets, cool seams and distressed.  I'm just having a hard time paying $56 for something that I might be too big in a month.  We'll see if I can talk myself into them this weekend.

197.0; The Mall

Last night Pete and I headed to where we first met.  Mall of America.

We had dinner, gellato.  We walked around and we made this bear.  The bear is pretty cute.  We were going to biker it up, but they didn't have the leather jackets any more in the store.  So we put him in leiderhosen.  As a tribute to all the German traditions we had at the wedding. 

Very fun night.

But what occurred to me as we were walking around was this:  I can shop in any store there.  I fit into any of the clothing that they have in the various stores.  I'm no longer limited to the few plus sized stores and watching as friends/family try on clothes in other stores.  This was an awesome feeling.

PS.  Pulled a muscle in my back this morning running.  Not sure how.  But I stopped immediately when just walking hurt.  Now, hours later I'm in pain.  It's spasming and doesn't feel very good.  I'm stiff to sit and walking hurts...

198; Baking vs Shoes

I've been slacking.  Oh, sure I had my excuses.  I worked out at the gym 2 1/2 weeks ago and realized afterwards that I needed new shoes desperately.  I knew this because my foot hurt so badly for 2 days that I could hardly walk.  I couldn't do cardio and despise the bike and can't do Body Pump.  So I didn't go. 

I went that weekend and got shoes.  I know that I've said this before, but shoe shopping for me is hard.  I want all the cute pink and green and orange shoes, but they do not want my feet.  So I end up with the sturdy shoes that are ugly and big.  Usually the top of the line in New Balance.  But this time I decided to try Brooks again.  They've worked in the past and I wanted to try something different.  So they came out in all their AQUA glory and my mind sang!  I tried them on and they fit.  I wondered to the sales girl if I needed the wide, because I usually get the wide and she said she thought I didn't need it in this brand.  Angels sang and I went home with cute shoes!

Guess what?  After running two days in a row my feet hurt again.  Damn pretty shoes and their allure.  The thing is that the store closes at 6pm and I can't physically get there after work in traffic to exchange them.  So it had to wait until Sunday.

In those two weeks I've been baking up a storm.  Pumpkin scones, pumpkin cupcakes with cream cheese frosting....  Oh yes, fall baking.  And will fall baking comes fall eating.  So I indulged.  Because I'm good an indulging only a little and maintaining weight.  But here's the thing, Pete's not a fan of that baking.  So guess who are 3/4 of a recipe of scones?  And 2/3 of a recipe of pumpkin cupcakes?  Me.

Sunday night I planned to workout every day this week.  But Sunday night I didn't have insomnia meds and was up every 15 minutes, unable to stay asleep.  So I didn't work out on Monday.  Tuesday I got up and my eye had been giving me so many troubles I went into see the doctor.  (see what I did there?  Excuses).  This morning I got up to let the dog out at 4:40 when my alarm went off and weighed myself.  198.  I was down to 195 at one point and I'd squandered that loss away. 

So I took my new shoes and headed to the gym.  I ran for distance, not intervals and ended up with 3.7 miles in 50 minutes.  THEN, I headed into Body Pump for the first 45 minutes before I had to head home and get ready for work.  1200 calories burned in 1 hour and 35 minutes. 

I felt awesome.  AWESOME.  I haven't needed coffee to stay awake all day (but talk to me at 9:30 when I'm nodding off during the news).  I'm not hungry all day and haven't been eating cupcakes or candy.  And have I mentioned that I feel awesome?  It's my wake up call and reminder that working out is good for me and I need to limit my excuses to real ones.  I also need to limit my baking and indulging.

And in other news...
4 years ago today I was doing this:

Happy Anniversary to my love!

And to show how much we've changed, this is us now:

197.8; New Attention

When I was big, I lived the same life that I do now.  I worked, kept my house, went shopping, enjoyed family gatherings, went to movies and restaurants... 

I've noticed in the last couple of weeks that I'm getting second glances from men in public.  I'm getting doors held open for me more often.  I'm seeing women in stores pick up the same clothing choices I have after looking at mine.  I'm noticing more attention.

I can't help but wonder if I was receiving this in the past and just never noticed it?  Or was I so closed off to those in public that no one ever thought about doing those things?  Or is it really that I'm getting to be an average sized woman and it's "ok" to do those things to me/at me?  I think that it's likely a combination of the fact that I was really closed off and I was overweight.

We humans judge other humans.  It's just what we do.  Right or wrong.  We make judgements in the first seconds of seeing and hearing someone even without knowing it.  We continue to make judgements while knowing them and hearing them throughout a relationship.  Some of this is just the way it works and it's acceptable.  Other judgements don't feel as acceptable.  When you're fat, you're often judged as lazy with no self control or will power.  You're seen as dirty and someone who doesn't care about themselves.  Those judgements aren't ok.  But I realize that they happen.

And the thing is that I was comfortable with those judgements.  Wrong or right I was comfortable with them because I knew that they were coming.  I knew what to expect.  So when I catch a man taking a second glance at me and smiling, I'm caught off guard.  When I get multiple doors held open for me, I'm caught off guard.  When I have a woman ask me for advice about clothing choices I'm caught way off guard.  I always smile and thank them and in the case of the woman, give my opinion.  But it's not comfortable.

Getting healthy was more about getting me out of that comfort zone that I had walled myself up into.  It's about feeling good and looking good and all that comes with it.  So I need to understand that as my person changes, the world's reaction to me changes as well.  I need to understand that, be ready for it and also be comfortable with it. 

195.2; Friday Fives

1.  I am signed up for my first official 5k.  Never mind that it's at a local school and my 10 year old niece is going to do it with me.  What?  She can run the mile in 9 minutes.  Way faster than I can. 

2.  My new shoes aren't working out for me.  I so want those pretty running shoes in various colors.  I try every time to stray from my boring New Balance shoes.  But I guess I am mean for boring.

3.  I saw people from work that I haven't seen in quite a while.  One of them told me I looked great.  It's such a confidence booster when someone does that.

4.  I plan on going to see Trouble With The Curve orThe Master or both this weekend.  I also want to see Taken 2 when it opens next weekend.  All the sudden movies are getting good for me again.

5.  I want to talk more about this next week...I'm noticing more people paying attention to me in public.  I can't decide whether to be flattered, uncomfortable, mad or what. 

195.6; The Falafel Did Me In

I have to tell the back story, so bear with me.

Monday night I made baked fish and oven fries.  I usually just bake the fish with spices and herbs on ti.  Only I had some tortilla strips that had been on my counter all summer.  I decided that crushing those up with whole wheat flour would make a great crust.  And it did.

Yesterday for lunch I had the rest of the fish.  I heated it it in the microwave at work so the crust wasn't super crisp, but wasn't soggy either.  Only the fish kept hanging up at my band.  So I took the crust off and only ate the fish with a small banana and a sugar free pudding.

Last night Pete and I planned to go walking at the park where we got married.  A little date night for us and a little walking for the pupster.

Next to the park is a Whole Foods.  Our plan was to stop at Whole Foods for dinner and then walk.  I love all that they have to offer.  We made our selections and walked to the car to eat with the pup.  My first bite was of a falafel bite.  It was so good.  Then I had a few pieces of curried veggies.  Then a bite of a flaky crust off a savory pastry.

Then it happened.  Something was stuck.  Usually if something is stuck, I sit fully upright and it goes down.  It doesn't feel good when this happens, but it's usually over in a minute.  Not this time.  Whatever it was, it was stuck good.  I spare you the details, but it was about 20 minutes of very painful waiting.  It felt as though the food was pounding on the smaller opening where the bad was.  Just pounding and pounding and not getting through.  Painful.  It brought tears to my eyes and worst of all there was nothing I could do about it.

Pete helped me think about what I was doing and what I was eating.  It's true, I was hungry and at quickly.  I was so into the good food that I had to choose from that I wasn't paying attention to how I was eating.  Looking back it was my initial bites of falafel that likely got stuck and the rest of the food after that was just adding to the congestion.

That was the end of eating for me yesterday.  I had no hunger and no want to eat at all.  I had some water at the park.  Then we got home and I watched Sons of Anarchy snuggled up with Pete and the pup and went to sleep.  Even this morning I am sore.  Have you ever had a chip stuck in your throat?  That soreness from afterwards is what I am feeling.  I'm guessing that it's swollen and will be sore for a day or so.  I'm sticking to soups and pureed foods for the next couple of days.

So as Pete calls it, my wake up call occurred last night.  My first really negative experience from the band.  All I can say is that it's a wake up call that I don't want to happen again.

(still) 197.6: I NEED A NEW BLOG DESIGN

Iapologize up front for some random changes that I made today.  I try to update my blog every year to a new fresh look.  However, either Blogger is becoming way beyond my abilities or I suck at this.  Or both.

So I'm in search of a new design.  I don't mind paying someone for a design, but, uh...who?  Do I search Etsy?  Is there anywhere else that has design that I can check out?

Anyone?

197.6: Size 14

I am a size 14 in pants.  You know when I was last a 14?  College. 

My second year of college my parents came up in the spring for my birthday.  We had dinner and then went to the mall.  They hadn't bought me a gift and my Mom decided that they'd buy me some jeans.  At that point I felt fat.  I didn't want to buy jeans because I didn't want to see the size 18 tag.  I didn't want to buy jeans because I didn't want to have to chose from the 2 styles when the 'regular' section had 40.  I just didn't want to.

But ultimately my Mom and sister pulled me into a couple of stores.  I believe they picked out some styles and sent me into the dressing room.  I was shocked when I came out in a size 14 jean that I felt good in.  (This is where I'm choosing not to remember that they were the "paperbag" cinched style waist.  I am also choosing not to remember that they were tapered leg and likely made me look like an upside down triangle.) 

When they left for the day, my room mate and dorm mates convinced me to to to a party.  A party where I met a boy and kissed him.  Nothing came of it.  But to me, the smaller sized jeans that I felt good in, were both a protective sheild and a power booster.  The the jeans took on a life of their own to make me more outgoing and protect me from hurt should something go wrong from the outgoingness (is that a word). 

I hadn't thought about that day in a long time.  But Friday I was bound and determined to add to my collection of 3 pair of work pants.  I spent time going from sales floor to dressing room in multiple stores in search of my goal.  At Target I pulled a 14 off the rack and thought there is no way my hiney is going to fit in those.  But sure enough, they did.  And I sat and wondered how long it's been since I fit into a 14.  I almost cried there in the dressing room.  The flashes of that day in college when I was 18 going on 19 flooded my brain.  And now 23 years later I'm back there, if only in the size of my jeans. 

197.6; Friday Fives

1.  It's payday.  No other explanation needed.

2.  We are going to dinner tonight at a hibachi place for my brother in law's birthday.  Yum!

3.  I am going to try shopping at a place called Clothes Mentor.  It's for more upscale clothing than Goodwill/Salvation Army.  I can never find anything at those places.  I only have 2 pair of pants that I can wear to work and I desperately need more.  I also have no sweaters and it's supposed to be in the 50s and 60s next week.

4.  Tomorrow might be my last day of motorcycle riding.  It's supposed to be in the 80s this weekend.  Pete, Nico and I are taking advantage of it and riding all day.

5.  I can't wait for Sunday afternoon to cook some new soup recipes I've found.  Mushroom soup, chili, apple cake and come cookies are on my list.

196.4; A Shovel

There are some days that I could shovel in food by the backhoe and it still wouldn't be enough for me.  The other night I came home and told Pete I wanted to eat a salt shaker and a 1 pound brick of chocolate.  He laughed.  What he didn't know is that I had stopped by Caribou Coffee and indulged in an iced coffee with sugar free hazelnut.  Not bad, right?  Well....I added a fudgy brownie too.

Dinner was a banana covered in crunchy peanut butter.

There are some days where my eating is still really off.  It's not a magic switch that I can can pull.  Certainly most days I crave water, yogurt, crunchy veggies and good lean meats like chicken and fish.  But make no mistake, there are still days when my disordered eating and 'I Want' take over what I know is good for me.

And in these cases, I try to indulge in small ways.  Let myself have some of what I want so that I'm not obsessing over it, but not full out overeat and eat crap.  I think that it's important to balance what you're doing to get healthy.  Eating good for you food and working out every day will get your healthy, but you have to also factor in your happiness.  It's not that I want food making me happy, but I want a balanced life in which I can allow myself to indulge and know that it's ok to do so and know that I don't have to indulge to the point that I head down a bad path again.

The salt shaker & chocolate?  Today I'm worlds away from craving them.  It's a new day.

196.6; Me

Yesterday I posted this picture on my Instagram:

I commented that I have collar bones again.  Yay!  They were there all this time, but had disappeared under pounds of excess fat.  Those bones are poking through more often now.

I got my hair cut yesterday.  The last time was in February and my stylist noticed how much I've changed.  As we spoke I told her how hard it was for me to see it.  Partly this is because I don't stare at myself all day.  The only time I look at myself is in the morning when I'm getting ready and I glance at mirrors throughout the day.  Sometimes it's so hard to see the totality of the changes when you're not staring at yourself all the time.

I do however, look down a lot.  I notice my thinner legs when sitting at my desk or in the car.  I notice my smaller hips that no longer cover the span of a chair bottom or touch the armrests at either side.  I notice my smaller belly that no longer protrudes out so far and covers the rest of my lower abdomen.  So I do see those changes in my body.

But as I sat there in the chair last night and started at myself in the mirror while she was *coughcoughgiveringmygreyscough* I swept over my face again and again.  And for once I did notice how angular it had become.  Maybe it was because I had to stare at myself.  Maybe it was because she had all my hair wet and swept back.  Maybe it was because I had been searching for it all along.  But I did see it finally.  Had you told me 6 months ago that I would describe my face as more angular than not, I would have laughed at you.

I say all of this, because my transformation is there.  It is noticeable.  It is making me want to continue on the path even with my toes that are hurting when I walk/run.  You know how I can absolutely say this?  I have recently discovered this photo of me.  It's taken in 1999/2000.  I'm probably at my largest ever.  Because I never weighed myself I'm guessing I'm close to 300.  I cringe writing this.  Not because it's not true and not because I haven't said it to myself.  I cringe putting it out there to the world and admitting just how large I really was.  Anyway, me:

197; Remembering

Today is the 11th anniversary of 9/11.

Today is about remembering those people who lost their lives.  Those people who gave their lives to help.  And those people who were left behind after it all stopped.  I want us as a nation to never ever forget those people. 

Each year I watch 9/11 Documentary.  I watch it to remember the feeling of sorrow.  I watch to remember the feeling of unity with my fellow Americans.  I watch to make sure that I don't forget the impact this had on everyone.

If you were there or you watched on TV or you avoided the coverage...you were still impacted. 

I pray for us all today.  I pray that we can find the unity as a nation again instead of this divisive path we are on currently.

Much love, many prayers and lots of thoughts to everyone on this day.

196.8; Random Thoughts About Clothes

1.  I went shopping this weekend for clothes.  I had to donate all of my fall/winter clothing as of last spring because it was way to big then.  It would have had me swimming in them now.  I'm a 14 or size large in most pants/jeans.  I am a medium/large in tops.  I'm being choosy when it comes to buying clothes.  I don't have to buy just because it fits, I buy because I truly LOVE it.  I buy with layering in mind, not to cover flaws, but to make sure that the item works in more than one way and I get use out of it.

2.  I went shopping this weekend for clothes.  I struggle with feeling so overwhelmed in clothing stores.  These are the things that I never would have imagined would occur.  When I was a teenager, my Mom complained that I would stand at a store's entrance, peer in and proclaim that there was nothing in there for me.  I think that it was partly that I wasn't aware of my body and how to dress it and partly it was being a difficult teen.  Now I stand at the entrance and almost want to give up because I have no idea where to start.  I ended up telling the store employees that I lost weight and had no idea what size or style pant would fit me.  The kid (when did they start letting children work? lol) at Gap, had no idea to help me, other than suggest skin tight, skinny jeans - which clearly are not my style, despite the fact that they are in style.  The lady at Banana Republic was awesomely helpful.  I ended up with no pants because I am in between sizes.  But I had a better idea of what to look for in a few weeks.

3.  I went shopping this weekend for clothes.  Losing weight is expensive.  Yes, the clothing that fits me is usually lower priced because it's not "extended sizes".  However, as I said before, I had to ditch my whole wardrobe.  Aside from a couple of sweatshirts that are broken in and comfy (but almost comically large), I have nothing in my closet that I did in March.  Underwear, bras, workout clothes, casual every day clothes, work clothes, jeans, motorcycle riding clothes, winter clothes, falls/winter/spring jackets...all have been replaced or need to be bought yet.  While losing the bulk of the weight I tried to be frugal and purchase from clearance racks and sales and honestly - Walmart.  Now that I'm getting closer to my goal weight, I'm trying to think about whether or not I can swear it snug right now and potentially a little loose in the future.  If the answer is yes, I'm willing to spend a bit more on the item.

4.  I went shopping this weekend for shoes.  I bet you thought I was going to say clothes again?  In the past I went through shoes like water.  I walked funny on my feet and would wear out soles pretty darn quickly.  So I would buy cheep shoes every season and then toss them.  But a couple of things have happened.  One is that I'm not wearing out soles as quickly so my gait must have changed or is changing.  Two is that my feet are shrinking.  They're not as wide or tall (the part between my sole and the top of my foot).  I need smaller sizes in some shoes.  Three is that my freakishly large calves now fit into tall boots.  (I can't wait to find some boots and shirts to wear this fall/winter.  A phrase I thought you'd never hear me say...EVER.)  I'm thinking more in line of buying shoes that will last and be an investment for several seasons/years.

Now my question to you...I donated my old wardrobe and didn't think about donating the costume jewelry that went with the outfits.  Should I donate the things that I don't wear or keep them and hope that I can work them in?  (I'm kind of in a purging/donating mood - can you tell?)

197.6; Diet Food

Are you a label reader?

Are you a calorie counter?

Are you both?

I was, errr...am, uh...kind of.  I read labels.  A lot.  I want to know what is in the food I buy.  I try really hard to avoid prepackaged foods when I can.  let's face it, if I want that creamy macaroni and cheese, I'm better off making my own and knowing what I put it it.  Yes, it's still likely going to be not very good for me with the carbs, the high fat content of cheese and high calories.  But here's the thing that I keep thinking about.  If I really want mac & cheese and I spend the time to make it myself, I get the enjoyment from cooking, I know what I put in it, I can tweak it to my liking, I can substitute skim milk for full fat milk to make it lower in calories and I must really really want it to make it on a weeknight after working all day.  I'm also much more likely to be satisfied by a smaller portion of it, if it's really good homemade stuff.

So I read labels a lot.  And I used to be a calorie counter.  For quite a while.  I had an app on my iPhone and a journal and I'd log my food via SparkPeople sometimes.  There was something very controlled and comforting about logging food and know where I stood with calories, fat, carbs and protein each meal.  And I spent a lot of time at the grocery store reading labels and putting together meals based on the information from the package.  It was as though my tracker was my Bible and the food boxes were my preacher speaking to me about the Bible.  I relied on them both and gained lots of insight into my eating, my portions and what I was getting from my daily food intake.

So when I saw this story:  Rosen's Study on "diet" Frozen Treats  I was flabbergasted.  It NEVER occurred to me that the label on the side or back of that package would be incorrect.  Let alone, totally misleading.  It makes me wonder if this is why calorie counters sometimes have such trouble losing weight without the help of a Weight Watchers group to help interpret foods.  Then I realized that the two biggest offenders in the study were from Weight Watchers themselves.  Very interesting, don't you think?

What does this all mean?  Well, for me, it means that I have to remember I am my biggest advocate in ALL THINGS.  And in the case of food, I can advocate for myself by continuing to try and limit my packaged food intake.  When I buy pasta, fresh cheese, milk, butter and whole what flour to make mac and cheese, I know what I'm putting in it. (Yes I realize that some of those items are "packaged" but I do the best I can with what I have at the time.)  When I buy the blue box mac and cheese, I'm tied to what they tell me they've put in it and what that means to the calorie count and all the other information on the side. 

What does it mean for you?

197.8; Band Update

I got a fill yesterday.  I am at 9.5ccs out of a possible 11ccs.  I think it may be the fill that gets me to my sweet spot.  The magical fill that gets me to the point of remembering that I can't eat large portions, fast, for 6 meals a day.

Actually I started noticing with my last fill and things with vastly different textures were difficult to eat.  I also noticed that I needed to slow way down when I ate.  Things like a nice juice burger with a big fluffy bun would stick.  Painfully stick the first time.  After trial and error (I was determined to eat that burger, somehow) I found that the textures were too different.  No matter how much a chewed, they never got to the same consistency for me to swallow.  My wonderfully moist, flavorful banana bread got stuck too.  It would go down after much chewing, but the texture was such that it would hang up painfully at my band.  I still haven't figured out how to rectify that one.  The only thing that I can think of, is making it more dry and I certainly don't want that.

Last night for dinner I had mashed, loose sweet potatoes with chicken gravy.  I ate this for lunch also today.  I had probably 3/4 cup potato and about 1/4 cup gravy and it fills me up.  Almost too full today.  I think I was so hungry that I let myself eat to fast.  Tonight is roasted tomato soup.  Don't tell Pete, but I simmer down onions, carrots and peppers and they get blended so he doesn't even know they're there.  I'll add some Italian sausage and crusty bread for him.  For me, some cheese stirred in for protein.

I'm down a pound from yesterday.  I ran yesterday morning and it felt great to be back at the gym after almost a month of not being able to workout.  But I took Benedryl last night to combat allergies and I slept through my alarm.  But I'm going tomorrow and both days this weekend.  Monday I'm going to return to doing Body Pump twice a week along with running.  I feel the best and the strongest with I combine cardio and strength workouts in the same week.

197.8; I'm still alive

I'm here.  Alive and well.  I took a 2 week hiatus for a much needed vacation.  I need to remind myself that checking out of life to relax and recharge is very important.  I feel must better prepared to deal with whatever is going on in life when I do this regularly.

Firstly.  The tooth is must better.  Holy crap you guys, I never knew how bad that freaking tooth really was until it didn't hurt anymore.  Now I just have to get a crown or a fill and all is good.

Secondly and more importantly.  I AM IN ONEDERLAND!!!!!!  I believe the non eating thing from the tooth got me over the hump from the 200's to the 100'.  However, as Pete pointed out, that is not a good diet plan.  I made ONEDERLAND on 8/23/12 and sung my happiness all over my Facebook account.  And interestingly enough, even after a week of vacation and eating lots of good food and only running tiwce & walking the rest of the days...I stayed in the 100's.  I was a shocked as anyone to come back to my real life last weekend and see that the scale was still under 200. 

My reward for staying under 200 for a week is coming up.  I'm going to get a small red heart tattoo'd on the inside of my ring finger, just where my ring naturally sits.  Then I want to get some swirls tattoo'd in what they call a "white".  Something that appears on my skin like this one.  I want it there so I know it. but only revealed to people should I want to reveal it. 

If you'd like to see my vacation or anything that tickles my photo fancy, check out my Instagram @ Instagram - Shevy.  I took lots of photos and that's really how I documented my vacation.  I'm obsessed with following people on Instagram.  Really.  I spend hours looking at the wonderful things that people can do with their phones on that app.

Today I go in for a possible fill of my band.  I'm not sure what will happen, given my weight loss.  I've found that I can't eat a hamburger with a bun.  Something about the textures of the meat and the bun being too different makes them get stuck at the band.  And banana bread gets stuck for me too.  I think because it's so moist.