197.8; New Attention

When I was big, I lived the same life that I do now.  I worked, kept my house, went shopping, enjoyed family gatherings, went to movies and restaurants... 

I've noticed in the last couple of weeks that I'm getting second glances from men in public.  I'm getting doors held open for me more often.  I'm seeing women in stores pick up the same clothing choices I have after looking at mine.  I'm noticing more attention.

I can't help but wonder if I was receiving this in the past and just never noticed it?  Or was I so closed off to those in public that no one ever thought about doing those things?  Or is it really that I'm getting to be an average sized woman and it's "ok" to do those things to me/at me?  I think that it's likely a combination of the fact that I was really closed off and I was overweight.

We humans judge other humans.  It's just what we do.  Right or wrong.  We make judgements in the first seconds of seeing and hearing someone even without knowing it.  We continue to make judgements while knowing them and hearing them throughout a relationship.  Some of this is just the way it works and it's acceptable.  Other judgements don't feel as acceptable.  When you're fat, you're often judged as lazy with no self control or will power.  You're seen as dirty and someone who doesn't care about themselves.  Those judgements aren't ok.  But I realize that they happen.

And the thing is that I was comfortable with those judgements.  Wrong or right I was comfortable with them because I knew that they were coming.  I knew what to expect.  So when I catch a man taking a second glance at me and smiling, I'm caught off guard.  When I get multiple doors held open for me, I'm caught off guard.  When I have a woman ask me for advice about clothing choices I'm caught way off guard.  I always smile and thank them and in the case of the woman, give my opinion.  But it's not comfortable.

Getting healthy was more about getting me out of that comfort zone that I had walled myself up into.  It's about feeling good and looking good and all that comes with it.  So I need to understand that as my person changes, the world's reaction to me changes as well.  I need to understand that, be ready for it and also be comfortable with it.