Not Good Enough

Honesty, right?  I mean this is why I have the blog.  To write what's happening in my life.  To be able to look back a week from now, a month from now or a year from now.  To see what I was going through and how I got through it.  And if I'm not honest with myself then I'm not honest to anyone.

I had an opportunity at work that I wasn't chosen for.  In and of it's self, not a big deal.  It's happened before, in fact about this time last year.  And I accept that there are things I want to do that I cannot do based on the department that I work for.  I got notice of it today while in the car on the way back from the Twin Cities Marathon Expo that Pete and I went to.

I wanted to cry.  And yet the whole way home I kept wondering why I was feeling so emotional about this?  It's a work thing.  There have been plenty of disappointments before and they'll be more in the future.  After we got home I dropped Pete off so that I could go shopping and finish my errands. 

While in Target, I again wanted to cry.  And what I realized is that I'm not feeling like "enough" lately.  Not good enough to lose weight on my own.  Not fat/good enough for lap band surgery.  Not good enough to be chosen for the work project. 

Not Good Enough.

And my prayer went something like this: 

Dear God, I can take a lot.  I can handle much.  I can work though problems and issues with the best of them.  But please, send me something.  Anything to show me the way to happiness and that feeling good enough feeling again.  Amen.

Now I'm praying for that sign.

My Feet

My feet still hurt.  It worries me. 

It used to be that if my feet were hurting and I just backed off a little on the cardio it would get better and I'd go back to exercising.  Well, I went to the podiatrist and I have new shoes that are correct for my feet.  Yet Monday night we walked around Centennial Lakes (1.5 miles) and my feet hurt at the end. 

I don't wear heels (for the most part) and I choose shoes that have a lot of padding in the front part of the footbed.  But even my everyday shoes are making my feet hurt.  Last night we went for a late summer/early fall motorcycle ride and walking in my boots hurt.

It worries me.  I think my next step is seeing if my feet hurt when I'm back on the treadmill.  And yet that would require me returning to the gym.  And if I'm really honest with myself, returning to the gym scares me.  I get an anxious fluttery heart, my tummy spins and I start to sweat.  I feel like a failure and returning there feels like defeat, even if it's not logical.

On a good note:  Pete and I have been married 3 years as of Monday.  I told him that it feels like forever.  Not bad forever.  Forever like we were meant to be and this is always the way that it's been. 

Starting Over?

After thinking about my weight situation and the inability to get insurance to pay for a gastric banding (so far), I think I've figured it out.

Debbie at Ex-Yo-Yo Dieter talked about rewards and about just doing it.  Just losing the weight and getting to where you want to be.  It sounds so simple, doesn't it?  And there are people who can do that.  They can just set the goal, figure out what they need to do to achieve the goal and get it done.  Pete for instance is one of those people.  For him it's all about the competition to push himself farther and faster.  So it's only natural that he has the ability to just lose.  Although he has other issues with maintaining.  Me?  I can't find the motivation within to make myself just lose. 

I think that I have motivation at times.  Actually I know that I have motivation at times to make myself lose.  The issue is that the motivation fades and I'm left trying to figure out my next motivator and how to get back to losing.  I think that's where the start/stop comes in.  I'm constantly starting or stopping with periods of nothingness in between.  I need to find motivation within myself to keep going at a constant pace.

I also need to find other rewards.  In the past I've rewarded myself with a new piece of clothing, more training sessions, a headscarf from Harley for riding...  But like Debbie said, external rewards kind of set you up.  If you get them, you're proud of yourself and you see that thing you bought/got.  If you don't get the item, it haunts you...forever.  I need to rethink my reward system.

Start/Stop...I think that I've figured out that the gastric banding was some sort of reward as silly as it sounds.  Try being healthy and losing weight for 2 years and if you can't do it then, "reward" yourself with the gastric banding.  While it's not really a true reward, it kind of is.  It's akin to the extra training sessions at the gym in that it's a tool to get more healthy.  And I think because I can't get this reward (as of right now), it's haunting me.  I also think that I'm confused about what to do because it means that I need to figure out a whole new plan and start over.

Limbo

I feel in limbo lately.  Pete was at the gym yesterday and our trainer asked him if I was ever coming back.  Pete told him that I'd be back, eventually.  I love that he has such faith in me and my journey.  I love that he has this faith even when I don't.  I guess it's truly a sign of a loving husband.

My limbo comes from not really knowing what to do next.  I have to wait for the lung specialist appointment on 10/5/11 to see if I can have a sleep study done for apnea.  Until that time I don't know what to do?  Do I workout again and possibly let my BMI drop more and have more issues with insurance?  Do I just maintain like I have been?  Do I try to gain the 10 pounds that will allow me to qualify? 

On a good note, Pete and I celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary Monday.  We've got plans all weekend to hang out with each other.  Saturday morning we're going to the Oktoberfest at the Mill City Museum.  Sunday we're going out to dinner to celebrate that and the fact that Pete got a job!  Yay!  It's another contract to hire, but I'm so very prayerful that it will be a forever thing this time.  Monday after work we're headed down to Centennial Lakes to walk around and sit in the amphitheater where we said our vows.

Still Here, Struggling

Saturday night Pete and I went out on a date.  It's been a long time since we've been out on a date.  We tried to go Friday, but Nico had some weird things going on and we ended up postponing it.

As we were getting ready Pete said "I'm fat."  And I cried.  I finally had to tell him that it was getting really hard for me to hear him say that when he's lost over 100 pounds and I am stuck.  Even more so when I've hit a roadblock and may not be able to have the band surgery.  He seemed shocked.  I felt bad.  It was an uncomfortable situation. 

I want to support him, I have supported him.  We talk daily about his workouts and what he ate and what supplements he took and how they're not working or are working for him.  Honestly, it's sometimes exhausting.  I give him what I think is good feedback each time.  I tell him what I think would work for him.  I suggest things or shoot things down as I see them.  However, it seems like we have the same conversation over and over.  I've listened to the same complaints and frustrations and issues for the last 4-5 months.  And I listened, up until now.  Now I can't seem to think about weight loss or healthy or exercising without getting misty eyed.  Without getting frustrated.  Without getting upset.

We finished getting ready and headed to Famous Daves Blues Club to listen to some music, relax and talk.  After we parked, we walked through the mall to get to the club.  Next door was a GNC.  Pete went in and started suggesting supplements for me to help lose weight.  Inside I was screaming NO NO NO.  I don't want to rely on supplements and gimmicks and shakes and all that.  I want to rely on me with help.  I said it to him again, just as I have in the past, that I don't want to do that.  He started looking at things for himself. 

Our date night turned into shopping for his supplements.  I checked out.  Physically I left the store and wandered over to a bench to wait.  Mentally I tried to retreat into a game application on my phone.  After about 20 minutes he came out of the store and we went into the club.  After a few minutes he noticed that I was still checked out and asked what was wrong.  I started crying again. 

It's so hard to feel like you're on a path and have decisions to make along the way, only to have a huge roadblock set in your way.  I told someone earlier this week that I feel like I am just floating along and there is no shore in sight for me to stand on solid ground again.  Add this with some medical issues in my family and I am a mess.  I'm over emotional and tired and just feel like I'm coasting through each day.

I'm still here, just struggling.

Forward, right?

I keep thinking of the 2 BMI points that separate me from the insurance paid band.  It's really hard not to think of them at this point.  But thinking about them is going to get me no where. 

I emailed my doctor Monday afternoon when I stopped crying and she emailed me back yesterday.  She can't send me for a sleep study, I have to go through the lung specialist in the clinic.  So I waited until today for them to call me to make an appointment.  The first appointment available?  10/5.  It seems like forever even though it's only 3 weeks.  So many hoops.  Sometimes I feel like my life is one big set of hoops.  And just when I think that it will get easier on the other side of the big hoop, there is another hoop to jump through.

In the mean time?  In the mean time I guess I go back to exercising and eating good for me food.  I have to say, I'm still dreaming of the ice cream and cake in bed idea.  I know it doesn't solve anything and it creates new problems, but it's one of those feel-good-at-the-time things.  I've realized that my other 'binge' area is shopping.  My hand went to the phone several times yesterday while watching shopping newtworks.  And I keep thinking that I need a new outfit for my all day training on Friday.  Something professional, but casual.  In actuality, I need nothing.  I know this when I stop to think about it.  Shopping isn't going to do me any better than eating cake.  In fact it will make it worse, as Pete is still laid off.

My solice is playing with that cute little Nico puppy while sitting next to my husband.

Does defeat equal binge?

I've binged.  I didn't know exactly what to call it before.  I just thought of it as indulging in what I wanted to eat at the moment.  I'd stop at the grocery store and usually pick up salty chips, salsa/guac, sour cream and salsa which was my appetizer.  Then some salads from the deli - high fat, high calorie.  Then a pint of ice cream and a small cake from the bakery.

I'd think nothing about eating loads of the food.  Nothing. 

Now I know that it's a binge.  I know that these occurred after disappointments, after hard times, when I felt down, to celebrate, basically any excuse. What to know what stopped me?  Pete.  When Pete moved it it meant that if I wanted to continue this I'd have to share it.  not share the food, well that too, but share the fact that I did this.  It embarrassed me.  So I stopped.  Aside from a couple of times,. I've never even looked back on this.

But last night?  Last night I would have given anything for a large chocolate cake, a pint of ice cream, salty chips and those high calorie salads.  All washed down with a quart of rootbeer.  And better yet, all eaten from the comfort of my bed, in the dark, while watching trashy TV from my Tivo.  The urge to binge like this was so strong that I mentioned it to Pete.  Not that I wanted to binge, not in those terms.  When he asked me what I wanted for dinner through my tear stained eyes and cheeks, I said ice cream, chocolate cupcakes and junk food in bed.  And bless his heart, he would have indulged me.  Only he can't eat all that stuff and we don't have it in the house purposely.

So instead I played with the puppy, blogged, played games on my phone, watched some TV from the living room and just obsessed about it silently.  It's a victory that I didn't indulge, but it saddens me that I thought about resorting to this again.

Admitting Defeat

I went in for my consult today with the surgery center.  Oddly enough, my goal these last couple of weeks was not to lose weight.  And guess what happened?  I lost almost 10 pounds to be back to 233.

Pete and I went to the center together because he had an appointment almost the same time.  He went in and talked to his doctor and came out.  She asked me if I wanted to skip the process and just consult with her right after the nurse today.  I told her that I'd follow the procedures and she said she was looking forward to seeing me soon.

I went back when my name was called.  I had already spent time filling out my health history and documenting all the attempts to lose weight and writing a letter about why I wanted to do this.  First they take you picture, then they weigh and measure you.  I tried hard not to look at the numbers because my fear was that I wouldn't qualify.  We went into the exam room and started talking about my medical history, my current medical state and all that I've been doing.

Her first concern was that my TMJ would pose an issue with me being able to chew sufficiently.  Post surgery you have to chew everything to applesauce consistency.  It's not that I can't chew, it's that my jaw sometimes tires more easily.  So she suggested that I spend some time practicing this in the next few weeks, saying that I'd actually have to have a consult with the doctor to approve me based on that.

Then she said it.  I don't qualify for insurance purposes.  I kept my face clear of emotion, while inside my heart started beating faster.  She does think that I have sleep apnea and if I do, then she said that insurance would pay for the surgery.  So she sent me off with a few things to do:  1. Ask my doctor to order a sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea.  2. Ask my doctor for a different medication for my TMJ as I won't be able to take NSAIDs post op (should I qualify) 3. Practice chewing each thing at least 20 times.  Once I've accomplished those things she said I should make a consult appointment with the doctor to get approval for the surgery.

I walked out of the office with a smile on my face and Pete started asking me questions.  I was talking slow and low on the way back to the car because I'm a pretty private person.  Once in the car I lost it.  I feel so defeated.  I feel like I tried the healthy way to lose this weight for the last two years and had some limited success.  However, that success meant that I don't qualify for my insurance provider to help me achieve it all.  This was my fear that I talked about a few weeks ago.  And it came true.  And I feel defeated.  Utterly defeated.

9/11 - 10 Years later

I have about 12 hours of programming set to record on my Tivo today.  I plan on watching it all as soon as I can. 

I looked at pictures on MSN Friday at work.  When I started at the first picture I thought that it was sad.  By the 5th picture, I was 'there' again.  Back on 9/11/01, sitting in my Grandma's livingroom watching the whole thing unfold on the TV.  I can smell the smells, see the items around me and the sun shining in the windows, hear the phone ringing and talking with my Mom, feel the terror and uncertainty.  I am there again in an instant and it brings tears to my eyes and the same feeling of terror all over again.

Every year since then I watch the documentary from Jules and Gedeon Naudet.  I have had it saved on my Tivo since 2006.  Only this year it's not on my new Tivo.  I'm conflicted.  I want so much to watch it again.  I can't tell why I continue to watch it every year.  It's almost as though I force myself back to feeling the things I felt on that day and the days afterwards.  Almost like I have to keep re-feeling it to remind myself how bad it really was.  I think it's like losing all the veterans from Pearl Harbor.  I wasn't alive and the importance is not lost on me, but I can't FEEL it.  The veterans could feel it.

Today I am sad.  Sad that my innocence (and I did have innocence at 31 years old) was shattered in 2001.  Sad that the devastation that occurred on that day is still unfolding with first responders getting sick, no complete memorial yet, and arguments over who belongs at the memorial this year.  I'm sad that the American unity and bond that we felt in the days after 9/11/2001 seem to be gone.  I'm sad that the years since then have had wars in many countries with many service members killed.  I'm sad that our country has turned into a political firestorm that cannot seem to accomplish anything. 

Yes, at 31 I was innocent.  I think most people my age were.  We had never 'seen' war or attacks on US ground.  The innocence that I speak of was shattered with a realization that US is no longer a superpower that it untouchable.  I lived for 31 years thinking that I was so very safe while in the States.  That my government would protect me.  Now that I think about it, I think it was a combination of innocence and having my head in the sand.  At any rate, it was gone at 8:30am on 9/11/01.

I've talked about this before in prior blog posts.  While I didn't know anyone personally who died in the attacks I feel as though I was there.  It changed me for weeks afterwards.  I was glued to the TV 24 hours a day.  I was living alone at the time and would sit in front of the TV watching all the news and reports and thought I didn't want to see anymore at the time, I couldn't not watch.  It was as though my brain thought that I needed to watch in case something else happened.  In case there were more so that I was on top of it and not surprised.  I had trouble sleeping and working.  Eventually it passed, but it returns to me about this time every year.

So to all, I wish you a safe 9/11/2011.  I ask that you pause and remember the many who perished 10 years ago.  The innocent people in the towers, Pentagon and planes.  The first responders who gave their lives to rescue others.  The people who worked for months afterwards to find remains so the families could morn loved ones.  I ask that to remember that America is still struggling and that we all need to participate to help recover.  I ask that you hug your loved ones and do something that makes you happy.  To celebrate life and all that it entails - good and bad.

God Bless.

6 pounds

Somewhere in my random eating and inability to work out I lost 6 pounds this week.  I do feel like we spent less time sitting around in the last week. I had a full week last week with something every night.  Then we ran all weekend off doing something each day.  This week I don't sit down when I get home.  I play with the puppy or we go for walks.  We're also eating out less.  Actually eating out none.  We stay home with the puppy.

It's Friday!  Yay!

Tonight we're going to a movie.  It's both a relaxing time for Pete and I and a chance for Nico to get used to being in his crate while we're away.  Tomorrow I have a date with a 5 year old's soccer game.  Actually Nico and I are going to the game.  Sunday is relaxing day again.  Relaxing.  I need it.

Tired.

I've had really good intentions of going to the gym this week.  Intentions.  Only my sleep pattern is shot.  The puppy is up every couple of hours and whether or not he squawks about needing to go out or just wines for attention, Pete takes him outside.  By 5am when my alarm goes off to get up, I'm so tired that I never remember shutting it off.

I'm hoping it's better next week. 

It will be better next week, right?

All Over & Nowhere

I feel like I am all over the place in my eating and nowhere in my workouts.

My workouts pretty much stopped the end of July when I was having such an issue with my feet.  I can't tell you how incredibly frustrating this is.  I'm ok for 20 minutes of walking/jogging.  But then the balls of my feet go numb and shoot pain into my toes, preventing me from continuing.  It was so bad that at the State Fair I was actually happy to go back to the car because my feet were hurting so much.  I had to tell myself, "just a little farther" repeatedly in my head.

I actually went to see a podiatrist about this.  She said that there didn't seem to be anything wrong persae and gave me suggestions.  Supportive shoes that have good, thick soles so that the soles are doing the work instead of the ball of my foot.  Small, thin gel inserts for the ball of my foot.  And keep trying.  She also told me that eventually I'll want to have surgery to correct my bunions.  I've resisted this for years because I hear that it's one of the most painful surgeries.  Someday I guess my feet will be so painful that I'll want it.

So I do have new shoes.  I have these Brooks.  Yes.  Men's shoes.  My feet are a double wide (kind of like the trailer homes!  lol) and it's hard to find those locally in shoe stores.  Mens shoes seem to fit my feet better.  Oh, I could have ordered the turquoise or purple ones, but I'm not staring at my feet as I jog and I certainly don't qualify for most fashionable at the gym.  That said, I'm almost scared to try the new shoes.  Weird?  Probably.  But, much like I'm afraid that I won't qualify for the surgery, I'm afraid that these shoes won't fit.  It would be very depression on both things if it didn't work out.

As for my eating...I'm doing healthy portions.  But the kinds of foods aren't necessarily the healthiest.  Mini cheesecakes for my Dad's birthday, pretzel dog at the Fair, Sweet Martha's Cookies.  And yet, I have been eating apples every day as snacks and pears.  I just feel all over the place with how I'm eating and what I'm eating.  To make matters worse, all I can think about this time of year is cooking.  Baking sweets and breads and treats.  Cooking big comforting dinners, chili, stews, roasts...  Not necessarily what the person who is trying to lose weight should be doing.

Nico

These last few weeks I feel like I've been trying to fit all the summer that I can into life.  As though I know that the changing leaves, cooler weather and snow is right around the corner.  So much so that I looked into my kitchen last Friday and tried to remember the last time I spent any time in it cooking.  I couldn't remember.  I think it was the week I took vacation and spent lots of time cleaning every nook and cranny and cooking.

But it wasn't meant to be that I spent any time in it on Friday.  We were up early and headed out for some shopping.  Then to the State Fair.  We started out at about noon, walking around and eating.  I had to try the sweet corn ice cream.  Pete and I shared a pretzel dog and a cone of Sweet Martha's cookies.  Then I lost my energy.  I've been fighting allergies and a cold and likely a sinus infection.  So we spent 2 hours in the car so I could sleep.  Bless Pete, the man of my dreams for realizing when I need a break and being ok with it.  Then we watched Garrison Keillor and The Prairie Home Companion Show which was pretty funny.

Saturday morning we were up and headed to the last campout for the day.  It was a 3.5 hour drive down there and I relaxed in the car on Pete's lap for most of the ride while our friends drove.  We didn't stay long because it was cold, wet and not very many people there.  But when we came home, we came home with this:

Meet Nico.  He's a Mini-Schnauzer 8 week old puppy.  He's about 5 pound right now and will only be about 15-17 pounds and 12 inches tall when he's grown.  He's the black & silver color that's not very often seen like the salt & pepper version.  And I am in L.O.V.E.  We searched for a name everywhere.  Finally decided on Nico, which means victory in German. 

Sunday we headed back to the pet store so Nico could pick out some toys and we could get some good food for him and sign up for puppy classes.  Then we left him in his crate for about 3 hours while we went out to eat with my family for my Dad's birthday.  Nico did very well and had fun with the kids when they came back to our house to meet him.

Yesterday was relaxing.  I took a 2 hour nap with Nico.  I make chili and cornbread and banana bread.  It was the most wonderful day in a long time. 

What's your drink of choice?

ATLANTA - Health officials say half of Americans drink a soda or sugary beverage each day — and some are downing an awful lot.

A new study found that one in 20 drinks the equivalent of more than four cans of soda each day. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention research also showed teenage boys drink the most soda, sports drinks and other sugary liquids.

Sweetened drinks have been linked to the U.S. explosion in obesity, and health officials have been urging people to cut back. Many schools have stopped selling soda or artificial juices.

The CDC report released Wednesday is said to be the first to offer national statistics for adults and kids. Past studies have focused on certain groups, particularly school kids.

Half of Americans are drinking their sugar daily.  It's no wonder we're obese.  It's no wonder us kids of the 70's grew up with weight issues.

I remember as a kid drinking soda from bottles like these.  They came in 6 packs from the Red Owl store that my mom shopped at and my aunt worked at.  I remember going up and down those aisles and coming home with lots of food.  What specific food, I can't remember.  I remember the soda though.  And when it wasn't soda, it was Koolaid made with the maximum amount of sugar.  And when it wasn't Koolaid, it was Schwann's Vita-Sun. 

Water?  Water was for washing dishes & clothes, for sprinkling lawns and taking showers.  We never drank water.  Wait, I take that back.  When we played softball, we'd bring water jugs.  I remember begging for the powered Gatorade to make it taste and never getting it.  Water is something that I discovered in my 30's as a drink that I should be drinking.  Even then my relationship with water was limited.  I did it when I was really thirsty in the summer or I was sick and not feeling good.

I gave up sodas 3 years ago and I don't regret it.  But I will tell you that I rarely drink plain water unless it's from a bottle.  I use Crystal Lite or frozen fruit/fruit juice in my water.  While I like not drinking sodas and sports drinks, most times I crave flavor.  It's as though my mind expects that the drink should have taste.  I think my mind is programming to expect a flavor and it's a really hard habit to break.  There are times when I'm better at it than others.

So how many spoonfuls of sugar did you drink today?