Monday, September 19, 2011

Still Here, Struggling

Saturday night Pete and I went out on a date.  It's been a long time since we've been out on a date.  We tried to go Friday, but Nico had some weird things going on and we ended up postponing it.

As we were getting ready Pete said "I'm fat."  And I cried.  I finally had to tell him that it was getting really hard for me to hear him say that when he's lost over 100 pounds and I am stuck.  Even more so when I've hit a roadblock and may not be able to have the band surgery.  He seemed shocked.  I felt bad.  It was an uncomfortable situation. 

I want to support him, I have supported him.  We talk daily about his workouts and what he ate and what supplements he took and how they're not working or are working for him.  Honestly, it's sometimes exhausting.  I give him what I think is good feedback each time.  I tell him what I think would work for him.  I suggest things or shoot things down as I see them.  However, it seems like we have the same conversation over and over.  I've listened to the same complaints and frustrations and issues for the last 4-5 months.  And I listened, up until now.  Now I can't seem to think about weight loss or healthy or exercising without getting misty eyed.  Without getting frustrated.  Without getting upset.

We finished getting ready and headed to Famous Daves Blues Club to listen to some music, relax and talk.  After we parked, we walked through the mall to get to the club.  Next door was a GNC.  Pete went in and started suggesting supplements for me to help lose weight.  Inside I was screaming NO NO NO.  I don't want to rely on supplements and gimmicks and shakes and all that.  I want to rely on me with help.  I said it to him again, just as I have in the past, that I don't want to do that.  He started looking at things for himself. 

Our date night turned into shopping for his supplements.  I checked out.  Physically I left the store and wandered over to a bench to wait.  Mentally I tried to retreat into a game application on my phone.  After about 20 minutes he came out of the store and we went into the club.  After a few minutes he noticed that I was still checked out and asked what was wrong.  I started crying again. 

It's so hard to feel like you're on a path and have decisions to make along the way, only to have a huge roadblock set in your way.  I told someone earlier this week that I feel like I am just floating along and there is no shore in sight for me to stand on solid ground again.  Add this with some medical issues in my family and I am a mess.  I'm over emotional and tired and just feel like I'm coasting through each day.

I'm still here, just struggling.

1 comment:

  1. Michelle - I haven't commented but I've been reading for the past weeks. I had a light-bulb moment about you and your journey: Do you think that maybe you didn't get approved for the surgery for another reason? Do you think that maybe there are GREATER plans for you? Not to discredit Pete and what worked for him - but maybe weight-loss surgery isn't in the greater scheme of your life, right now. Maybe you're meant to lose weight another way!

    Either way - please keep your chin up. You are a beautiful person and I know you are going to be successful, one way or another. :) You deserve to be happy and healthy.