Admitting Defeat

I went in for my consult today with the surgery center.  Oddly enough, my goal these last couple of weeks was not to lose weight.  And guess what happened?  I lost almost 10 pounds to be back to 233.

Pete and I went to the center together because he had an appointment almost the same time.  He went in and talked to his doctor and came out.  She asked me if I wanted to skip the process and just consult with her right after the nurse today.  I told her that I'd follow the procedures and she said she was looking forward to seeing me soon.

I went back when my name was called.  I had already spent time filling out my health history and documenting all the attempts to lose weight and writing a letter about why I wanted to do this.  First they take you picture, then they weigh and measure you.  I tried hard not to look at the numbers because my fear was that I wouldn't qualify.  We went into the exam room and started talking about my medical history, my current medical state and all that I've been doing.

Her first concern was that my TMJ would pose an issue with me being able to chew sufficiently.  Post surgery you have to chew everything to applesauce consistency.  It's not that I can't chew, it's that my jaw sometimes tires more easily.  So she suggested that I spend some time practicing this in the next few weeks, saying that I'd actually have to have a consult with the doctor to approve me based on that.

Then she said it.  I don't qualify for insurance purposes.  I kept my face clear of emotion, while inside my heart started beating faster.  She does think that I have sleep apnea and if I do, then she said that insurance would pay for the surgery.  So she sent me off with a few things to do:  1. Ask my doctor to order a sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea.  2. Ask my doctor for a different medication for my TMJ as I won't be able to take NSAIDs post op (should I qualify) 3. Practice chewing each thing at least 20 times.  Once I've accomplished those things she said I should make a consult appointment with the doctor to get approval for the surgery.

I walked out of the office with a smile on my face and Pete started asking me questions.  I was talking slow and low on the way back to the car because I'm a pretty private person.  Once in the car I lost it.  I feel so defeated.  I feel like I tried the healthy way to lose this weight for the last two years and had some limited success.  However, that success meant that I don't qualify for my insurance provider to help me achieve it all.  This was my fear that I talked about a few weeks ago.  And it came true.  And I feel defeated.  Utterly defeated.