After thinking about my weight situation and the inability to get insurance to pay for a gastric banding (so far), I think I've figured it out.
Debbie at Ex-Yo-Yo Dieter talked about rewards and about just doing it. Just losing the weight and getting to where you want to be. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? And there are people who can do that. They can just set the goal, figure out what they need to do to achieve the goal and get it done. Pete for instance is one of those people. For him it's all about the competition to push himself farther and faster. So it's only natural that he has the ability to just lose. Although he has other issues with maintaining. Me? I can't find the motivation within to make myself just lose.
I think that I have motivation at times. Actually I know that I have motivation at times to make myself lose. The issue is that the motivation fades and I'm left trying to figure out my next motivator and how to get back to losing. I think that's where the start/stop comes in. I'm constantly starting or stopping with periods of nothingness in between. I need to find motivation within myself to keep going at a constant pace.
I also need to find other rewards. In the past I've rewarded myself with a new piece of clothing, more training sessions, a headscarf from Harley for riding... But like Debbie said, external rewards kind of set you up. If you get them, you're proud of yourself and you see that thing you bought/got. If you don't get the item, it haunts you...forever. I need to rethink my reward system.
Start/Stop...I think that I've figured out that the gastric banding was some sort of reward as silly as it sounds. Try being healthy and losing weight for 2 years and if you can't do it then, "reward" yourself with the gastric banding. While it's not really a true reward, it kind of is. It's akin to the extra training sessions at the gym in that it's a tool to get more healthy. And I think because I can't get this reward (as of right now), it's haunting me. I also think that I'm confused about what to do because it means that I need to figure out a whole new plan and start over.