Goals

I've been thinking a lot about this lately.  I set goals 11 months ago about where I wanted to be 1 year later.  My goal was simply to lose 70 pounds.  Simple, huh?

Not really.  I mean, it's a simple goal in that it's one thing that I wanted to accomplish.  Suffice it to say that I'm not going to reach the goal.  With 30 days left I'd have to lose about 42 pounds.  Not going to happen.

I'm not willing to call it a failure though. 

I have lost weight.  About 30 pounds worth.  Yes, it's not 70, but it's something.  And when you consider that the bulk of it was lost by May and that I've kept it off since then.  It's a win.  Could I have done more?  yes.

My endurance is up.  When I started 11 months ago I was walking at a 2.5 and fast walking at a 3.  Now I walk at a 3.2, fast walk at a 3.6 (minimum) and jog at a 4.7.  AWESOME if I do say so myself.  I never would have thought that I could jog.  Ever.

My strength is improved, my muscles have tone and my balance is great.  I have my trainer to thank for this.  I could have continued to do the machines how I was doing them and never would have gotten this far.  She works me so that my strength, my balance and my cardio are working all at the same time.  That's huge.

So what does this all mean?  I'm trying to fgiure out monthly goals and yearly goals for next year.  I'm a little wiser about how to set fitness goals for me and I think I'm more prepared about how to set goals that make me stive and still give me successes to spur me on.

Renergized

For some reason I feel renergized or recommitted to working out.  I think Pete getting up with me to go to the gym the last couple of mornings has help me.  I know that he gets bored because he lifts weights for about 20 minutes and is done.  But I am determined this time to do my plan, how I need to, for me. 

I'm not so good about food.  Note that I'm eating everything in sight and loads of it.  I just think back to February of last year and I was so darn committed to eating 1200-1500 calories, balanced, lots of prtein, low carbs and low fat.  Tracking my food helped.  But I think it wasn't s asustainable way for me.  I can't sustain more than about 60 days of eating like that.  More than anything I think part of it is that I was blindly doing things by what I thought was good for me.  Knowing now that I not all fat free/low calorie things are really good for me if they're containing loads of fillers that are bad for me too.

I still eat ok.  I have a certain breakfast every weekday morning because it's comfortable, easy and I know that they fill me up.  I'm ok with lunch, in that I don't overindugle.  My struggle is snacking at work.  If I have it in my office, I eat it.  So I try to have things like cheese, popchips, nuts, fruit/dried fruit on hand to eat and not rely on the South Beach Bars and other things that I was using before.  Dinner is harder.  Things that I would make that would fill me up, Pete doesn't necessarily like.  I try to balance it.  Weekends are also harder and I give myself a little more free reign to eat.

I think I may have a resistance to some food group.  I'm thinking that it may be wheat or something similar.  I get uh, bloated and gassy (sorry!) after eating certains things.  Last night we had a pasta dish and I had what was likely less than one serving and I was uncomfortable the rest of the night.  For lunch today I had a sandwich on french bread and I'm having the same feeling.  I used to think that it was dairy, and while that may be something I have a resistance to, I think there is another group.

Why, you ask, haven't I done more to figure it out?  Couple of reasons.  First, it's incredibly overwhelming to try to rule out a certain food.  You either have to cut everything out and start adding in things one at a time over several weeks or you have to figure out what to cut and try that for a few weeks.  Have you every looked at how many things have wheat in them?  Secondly, I LOVE breads and pastas and things with wheat.  I'm afraid that I'll not be able to eat them again.

So I'm doing great with the exercise, not so great (but not bad) with food.

Randomness

I had weird dreams last night that Willow Palin was chasing me.  Weird huh?  I guess it could relate to me watching Sarah Palin's Alaska show right before bed?  Weird.

Christmas is over.  I indulged.  Appetizers and cookies and good things.  Only I watched portions, taking small amounts of things, rather than just loading up.  And I continued to work out. I made myself sore after my Christmas Eve workout that the trainer put together for me.  So I must be doing something right.

I was talking on the phone with my Dad this weekend.  I had my arm up holding the phone to my ear and I rested my head on my shoulder.  It was then that I noticed that I have shoulder muscles.  I told Pete that it was a good thing there are no cameras around me.  It would show me flexing my muscles for myself to show the muscles that keep popping out at me.  I have muscles!

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the future in realtion to my weight and where I want to be.  I missed my goal of being close to 200 at the first of the year.  But I am proud of what I've accomplished and give myself lots of credit for the 5 am gym workouts and the running/jogging/walking even when I didn't want to do it. 

Me, 239

I hover here, more often than not.  Actually for the last 3 months that's where I've hovered.  I am convinced though that it's less fat and more muscle.  I can actually see my upper arm muscles.  I can feel my cavles when I walk.  And If I put my hand on my tummy I can feel the muscles screaming to come out below the pudgy stomach.

So today, pre-Christmas, I head to the gym.  I am determined to keep plowing through the days of my journey, for some day I will reach it.

Mid Week with Pete

Sorry it's late.  Yesterday seemed like everything thing I did was a struggle.

Pete had his first call from the insurance company yesterday.  He's lost about 16 pounds so far.  They just asked him additional questions about what he's done previously and what he'd done now.  I think this insurance thing so basically to monitor him and find out what he's doing in order to pre-approve the surgery.

Did I tell you about his sleep study?  Bascially they think that he snores about 9 times an hour.  He never stops breathing and his heart isn't stressed.  So he meets with the doctor for that in January, but doens't expect anything to come from it.

He's been really tired lately.  I'm not sure if it's because he's back to exercising 4-6 miles a day or if he's coming down with something.  He's better about his eatinng and his portions because it's fresh in his mind.

Ahhh, better.

Well kind of. 

Because PEte's been out of work he's been working out on the treadmill more.  I told him I'd add him back to the account at the Y so he could work out on weights during the day.  He's been saying that he wants to go to the gym with me in the morning.  I hasvn't been going though because I felt horrible.

So last night I tell him that I'm keeping my trainer's appointment and asked him if he wanted to go with me.  All gung ho he replied that he did.  We went to sleep.  My alarm rings at 5am and I jump out of bed.  I brush my teeth, comb my hair and get my gym clothes on.  Then I tried to wake Pete up.  Finally I asked him if he was going to the gym with me.  He said, "No.  I don't know how you do it."  I laughed and went to the gym

But I really thought about it.  And I was where he was at a year ago.  I could hardly believe that I would enjoy getting up at 5 am to work out.  Was I nuts?  Yes, yes I am.  LOL  Actually my body has gotten used to it.  Does it mean that I am more tired at night?  Yep.  But I also fall asleep easier and stay asleep on the days that I go to the gym.  Does it mean that I don't stay up into the wee hours of the night every night.  Yep.  Does it mean that I cometimes nap on the weekends.  Yep, but my body must need it for me to easily fall asleep.

In all, the gym has changed my body's response to daily things.  Getting up, sleeping, energy level.  All non workout related, but improvements.

I did nothing

Honestly the thought of running, jogging or lifting weights this weekend made me want to puke.  The pressure in my head from the sinus infection was horrible.  I felt like my brain had shrunk 2 sizes and was bouncing around in there every move that I made.

Pete was laid off.  Again.  Poor guy.  At least he still has unemployment that he can access.  And he is already sending in applications for jobs.  Our goal was to get to the gym this weekend and add him backt o my Y account so that he could go work out during the day when it was less busy.  That is what kept him fm liking the Y before - he would go during the busy times and there would be no where to workout.  Only my bouncing head kept us from getting there.

Today is a new day though.  And this week is a new week.  Keep trying, right?

I am tired

I have another sinus infection.  Not that I've been to the doctor.  But I've had so many of them I know what they feel like. 

So my question is this:  Do you exercise when you're not feeling good?

I'veen been trying to do this.  But it also means that I've been going home and going to sleep by about 8pm each night.  I also find that I can't breathe as well and I'm having to use my inhaler for my asthma even when I'm not exercising.  So is it all worth it?

Mid Week With Pete

I'm not gonna post Pete's starting weight because that's personal to him.  Let's just say that it was over 300 pounds and that his BMI was over 40. 

In order to have the surgery, along with other things, Pete has to lose at least 14 pounds.  Initally I thought and had heard that programs have patients do this so that it shows that they can lose weight.  That they are capable of losing and are committed to doing so.  And while that might be true, there are other reasons. 

The program that Pete chose is one that is top rated nationally.  They do lots of surgeries each week and have many many patients.  In their estimation, only 2 of every 300 surgeries is open.  Meaning that they do the great majority of surgeries laproscopic.  The Ruox-en Y is the gastic bypass that so many people talk about.  The Sleeve is a newer surgery and kind of a cross between a band and the ruox-en Y.  The Lap-Band is the last kind and the one that Pete will likely have.  Reading about them, you'll see the differences.  However, they all involve getting to your stomach.

In order to do the surgery, they have to lift your liver up off your stomach to get access.  This is a big reason as apparently any weightloss greatly effects your liver size.

So Pete being Pete (the all or nothing guy that he is) has already lost all the weight that he needs to lose for this surgery, and more. 

Don't laugh, ok?

Really.  Hold it in. 

So remember the great KettleBell Episode of Spring 2010?  You know.  The one where I challenged myself to take a few classes in a month's time at the gym.  The one where I chose a free demo of kettlebells and took the 45 minute class.  The one where I was all pumped up afterwards and happy.  The one where I could not walk straight, sit on the potty or dress myself for a week afterwards?

Yeah, that one.

Well, I'm going to try it again.  Wait, I said, don't laugh.  Ok, fine, go ahead and laugh.

But hear me out, ok?  I have one thing to say, I am MUCH stronger.  Back when I took that class I had been halfheatedly working those machines and walking about 40 minutes a few times a week.  Yes, I was losing weight, but I wasn't really doing it the most healthy way.  So, when I took the class my muscles really went into shock.  But I did an 8 week stint with the trainer this summer and learned some things.  I'm on week 8/14 with the trainer this time.  And she suggested it. 

So, I'm attempting it again.  {wish me luck}

Mid Week with Pete

So I decided last night after doing the crappie flop in bed in an attempt to get Pete to stop snoring and totally failing for about 30 minutes, that Wednesdays would be about Pete.  Seriously, my office has been hovering about 85-87 degrees for the last two weeks with no end in sight.  I spent an hour on the phone Monday (in the heat) with the insurance company.  I've been getting little sleep because I had a box of American Girl Doll stuff worth about $100 (don't tell Pete how much, ok?) stuck in my locked mailbox for 24 hours.  I have some presents for Pete that I had delivered to my sister and didn't think about them needing a signature.

Needless to say it's been a long week and it's only Wednesday.  So if I'm not coherent, please bare with me.

I think that a man's journey about weight loss and healthiness is both similar and different than a woman's.  I think that a journey that consists of bariatric surgery is also similar and different.  I want to detail some of what Pete is going through on his journey.  So from now on I'll try to remember to devote Wednesdays to Pete.
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Currently Pete is in the process of what will likely be lap band surgery.  I don't mean that he's been in an operating room, but that the process to even get to the surgery is a long one.  First he had to go see his GP and find out if he thought that Pete would qualify.  Then he was referred to a surgery center in the Twin Cities.  He's met with the surgeon once and she confirmed that he met both the center's criteria for surgery and our insurance provider.

After that he had to attend an seminar about the various surgeries.  I went with him that night and we learned about the events that lead up to the surgery, the surgery itself and the follow up.  They outlined the risks and benefits to each surgery and how each one works. 

Then he met with the nurse practitioner about continuing the process and what else he needs.  It's different for everyone, depending on your insurance, your surgery choice and other factors.  I'll go into the surgeries and those choices at a later date and why Pete is leaning to the band.

For now, Pete has to have a sleep study (and we are battling the insurance company for payment of this), a meeting with a dietitian, a mental health evaluation, a 5 session counseling program through the insurance and additional blood work.  He also has to lose 13 pounds.  When these things are completed, he can schedule the surgery.  The doctor told him that he'd likely be ready sometime late February or March.

So, that's the start of it.  Each week leading up to the surgery I'll talk about his status and one part of the process that he's gone through/going through.  If you have questions, please leave them in the comments section and I'll be sure to answer them.

Body Image

I've been avoiding this for a while.  But I think I need to talk about it.

What's your body image like?  I ask because I think, wait, I know that I have skewed body image.  I think that most people do.  Most people believe that they are bigger than they really are.  I remember watching a TV show and seeing someone draw a life sized outline of what they guessed their body would be.  When they stood against the wall, the outline was so much more smaller than it was before.

I'm different though. My body image is that "it's not that bad".  I look at myself in a mirror and I think that I am smaller than I really am.  You know how I know this?  I sometimes catch myself in a mirror when my brain isn't focused on the how good I look thing and it shocks me.  My brain has to ask if it's really me and I have to tell it that yes, it is me.  And I have to wonder if this weird body image thing doesn't actually perpetuate my weight gains.  As in, it's not that bad that I gained 10 pounds, I still look good!  When really, I don't.

So unlike the majority of the rest of teh world I really have to think about what my body really looks like.  I think I need to find some paper, tape it to a wall and do the body outline thing I mentioned above.  I think Pete needs to do it to.  Then we roll up the paper, put it away and see what changes are made in 30 days, 60 days, 90 days and so on.

Honesty

When I went to the Prior Fat Girl's get together in the fall, I asked questions.  I asked a few different questions to a few different presenters.  Then I asked Jen a question.  And it's been kind of haunting me all this time.

I asked her what prompted her to be so honest about her journey.  She was gracious and replied that it was hard, but that she did it hoping to help herself and others.

I've had several months to think about this.  The more I think about it the more stupid I think the question is.  Yes, I know there are no stupid questions, but this one is.  Hear me out? 

If I'm not willing to be honest with myself, first of all, I'm never going to succeed in my journey.  If I can't be honest with myself at 40 years old, when will I get honest with myself?  Why am I not being honest with myself?

These are the qeustions that I've been pondering.  Then add to it questions like If I can't be honest with myself, how could I be honest with byu blog?  Or if I can't be honest with myself, why can I be honest in my blog with strangers?

I think I realize that I need to be honest with me.  Good, bad or otherwise, I need to be honest with me.  My journey in life, not just weight, will only be successful if I am honest with myself.
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And with that, I leave you with this:  I am back in the 230's as of this weekend.  My goal would be to be about 200 by the time riding season starts in May.  Totally attainable.

Food allergies

Do you have any?

I do.  It took me an embassingly bad experience with a quart of chocolate milk at work about 10 years ago for me to realize that milk + me = bad bad bad things.  Lesson learned and I haven't had milk since then.  Oh I still ate cheese and ice cream and other dairy with no issues.  Then I started to expereince some of the same issues (much less intensity) with those things.  I try to limit ice cream to a scoop here and there.  I LOVE cheese though and have a hard time giving it up.  I love greek yogurt and as long as I eat good stuff like Trader Joes or Fage, I'm ok.

Lately though, I'm experiencing gastrointestinal issues at other times.  Like, uh, daily.  I can live with it.  But, uh, well, Pete?  He's not so fond of it.  (gosh, how embarassing is this conversation we're having?)

Which leads me to wonder if I should be trying to elimiate certain foods and see if there are any ah good things happening?  My concern is that thinking about doing this is so overwhelming.  How and where do I start?

Juggling circles down a line

Ahhhhh....I remember this feeling.  What feeling you ask?  The feeling of getting up the day after a weights workout with my trainer and being able to walk upright!  (you think I'm kidding, but I'm not.)  I now remember that it took me about 3-4 weeks of working out with her to get to this point.  I was starting to think that I would never be unsore again and I talked about it in one of my previous posts. 

The cycle of workout, sore, sorkout, sore, workout, sore is a hard one.  It makes you question if what you're doing is right. It makes you question your sanity.  Hell, it makes your husband question your sanity.  It makes you think that you have a life of soreness and you start to wonder if it's all really worth it.  I mean, one 60 minute workout should not cause 2+ days of walking like Fred Sanford or the inability to lift a 1 gallon milk jug into the fridge.

But I remember now...this feeling that I have.  The intense workout that produces a few slightly sore areas.  Nothing that prohibits anything that I do or leaves me unable to do something in my daily life.

All is good then, right?

Well, no.  Because now is when I start to question if the workout that I did was intensive enough.  Almost as if the workout wasn't productive if I'm not sore for days afterwords. 

Seriously?  Yep, that's how my brain works.  It's back to the cyclical thing again.  And it now makes me wonder if my journey isn't really about a straight line to where I'm going or a wavy line of ups and downs to where I'm going, but a series of circles.  Picture a piece of paper with a line down the middle.  Attach several circles to it so that they are just barely touching the line and each other.  I'm starting to think that this is my journey.