- I felt raw and very exposed. Not only to Pete (the only one in my life who knows), but to the world through my blog. More exposed and raw than I think I've ever felt.
- I lost readers.
- I gained more readers.
- I felt like I needed to justify my decision to...everyone.
I think that part of it is my mindset from growing up. I feel (this my only be my impression and I'm recognizing that) that I asked my parents for things many times. To go places, see movies, be with friends, get new clothes...all the usual things that kids/teens ask for. And many times I was shot down. Likely there were good reasons for it, but to me it just felt like they were saying no all the time. So I stopped asking for things. I had been shot down enough times to know that the answer would be no. Almost as though it had crushed a part of my spirit.
When I really did want something and thought it was worth asking for, I would develop a plan. The plan was thinking about every reason in the world that it would benefit me or my parents or my family. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. But what happens in my head with likely every decision is that I think about the decision, think about all the obstacles first. All of them. Then plan around them. In essence, I am not a spur of the moment thinker. I am a planner.
So before I even decided to tell Pete I came up with a plan in my head. Before I talked to my doctor, I came up with a plan in my head. Before I wrote the blog post, I came up with a plan. What I realize now is that my plans are more justifying what I want to do, even when I don't need to do so. It was a major realization for me. Major. It made me think about how I mentally process things. I need to note that I don't need to justify myself anymore, I'm an adult.
I'm going to be practicing this tomorrow night. My appointment with the bariatric surgery center starts out with an informational group tomorrow night. I went to it with Pete, but still have to do it again for me. I learned that a co-worker will be there with her husband. I haven't said anything to her about going through the process myself. But tomorrow I'm going to practice telling her without it seeming like I'm justifying my decision to her.