I walked in the hospital last night with anxiety. Not wanting to be there, but wanting to be there. I found the room and checked in to get my paperwork. I walked in the room and it hit me that this was me I was here for. Me. Not Pete.
I looked around as if to size myself up against the others in the room. I'm not going to lie. I felt small. I was one of the thinnest, if not the thinnest person there. I had a moment of wonder; wondering if I really needed this. Then I started filling out paperwork. They asked many health questions. However, when I got the point about my weight and the diets and weight management programs that I've tried, I was reminded that this was something that I needed to do. It was clear.
My heaviest? I found a picture of myself in 2000 at Christmas time. My face is very full and from looking at my face now, both Pete and I think that I was around 275. I was a solid size 24 pants and I remember buying them, thinking that I really needed new pants and wondering if the store I shopped at regularly had changed the fit of the pants because I needed such a large size. I thought that my short hair fit my face well, but it only served to further fill out a full face. I thought I looked good.
Looking back, I remember that I never stepped on a scale. Seriously. I don't remember being on a scale (other than the doctor's office) until I lived with Pete. Oh I'm sure that I randomly weighed myself on my Grandma's scale when I lived with her or was at her house. But the point is that I don't remember doing it. I knew I was big, but didn't think that I was THAT big. And I wasn't interested in numbers. I was defeated at that time, thinking there was no way I could lose weight and I was just meant to be that large.
I now know that I had a strange body image in thinking that I was smaller than I really was. I know now that there are things that I can do to lose weight. I know that exercise is important. I have lots more tools at hand to help me. But I really do need this additional tool to get me past my roadblock of the last couple years.
So my next step is meeting with the nurse. I go in on 9/12/11 with my health history and some notes from my general doctor and see if I qualify for this. If I do, I would start the same process that Pete went through earlier this year.