Just like breathing

I left work at lunch today. I needed to get that motorcycle.

So I called Pete and let him know what I was doing. I did it so that he wouldn't worry, but I realize now that it probably had the opposite effect. When I got home he was home on his little break too. He chatted a few minutes while I got my boots, my jeans and my jacket on. I kissed him and he told me to be careful.

I got on and rolled it down the driveway into the little street. My shoulders softened and my back curved and I breathed. I started it up and listened to the humming vibration while I watched Pete come out of the garage. Again he told me to be careful.

I put it in gear and slowly drove out of the homes. Pete followed me. At the bottom of the hill I stopped to wait for him. Again he told me to be careful and I went on. We separated at CR 37. I went east and he headed west, back to work.

And I breathed. It was as if I had been suffocating all winter long and needed the rush of air past me on a motorcycle to really breathe again. I know it's counterproductive to my allergy shots with all the trees budding. But I so needed it. I needed to confidence it gives me. The strength in knowing that I can ride a motorcycle. The one-ness of being with me.

And just like breathing, all the motorcycle riding information I learned last year, flooded back into me so that riding was like breathing...natural.

I got noticed

and in a good way...

I have to say that the people at the YMCA that I go to are great. They're always cheery (even at 5am), smiling and welcoming. It makes that 5 am workout a bit easier knowing that the people greeting you are happy you're there. I realize that it's probably part of their job description to welcome you, but I'd like to think that at least half really mean it.

I've been going 6 days a week for the last 2 months. Some days are better than others. Some days it's a struggle to just get there, let alone work out. But I do it knowing that there is not only a far away goal of losing weight, but a daily goal of just saying - Hey I did this today!

This morning, the woman at the front counter said "You're so dedicated. You're here every day." It just brightened my day. Those words, the affirmation, the acknowledgement. It's not that people in my life don't already do this for me, but this was a stranger saying this. I think those words propelled me through a great workout and my smile will propell me through the rest of the week.

I'm very sad.

I've talked about this before. How my Mom isn't very supportive and makes demands and thinks that her way is the only way/right way. This weekend it became very clear to me just how narssisstic my Mom is.

My youngest cousin (who is 32 years old) is getting married this August. She is a wonderful person and I'm so very happy that she found her guy. He is a wonderful man who treats her very well. We have all been curious as to their wedding plans and they have been very hush hush about them. I came to believe that they would be doing something different than is normally done in our small family.

My Mom called my sister and I this weekend sounding so dreary and down that we both thought something was wrong. Only to have her tell us that my cousin is getting married in Costa Rica and that only her immeidate family and his immediate family are invited.

My Mom is horrified. She's says that she is disappointed in my cousin. That her fiance must have talked her into this. That they willc ome to regret this decision. Further that she cannot and will not support a marriage/wedding like this. And she will not attend their little at home recption when they get back because she cannot celebrate this.

I sat and listened to her in shock. I had already talked to my sister about it so I knew it was coming. But I was still shocked. I was amazed how my cousin's choice of wedding morphed into being all about my Mom. I wanted to tell her that it's not all about her, but I knew that it wouldn't change her feeling about it. Instead I countered everything she said with something positive. Clearly my Mom didn't like this as the conversation only lasted 8 minutes.

******
I made me grieve for the mother/daughter relationship that I know will never happen. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been different had my sister and I married very young and had children right away. She was must different then, before her cancer and chemo. And then I think that truely, she would have ended up this way no matter what.

It makes me very very sad to think that I won't ever be close to my Mom. Very sad.

Running

Last night I had a dream that I was a runner.

12 Pounds

I have now lost about 1/2 of what I had lost a couple of years ago. If only I had continued doing what I was doing then I would have lost 1 1/2 of the weight. (did that make sense to anyone else but me? lol) I had lost about 23 pounds 2 years ago. Only I started out weighing less than I did when I started this time.

I remember going for a run/walk on the treadmill one Saturday morning back then. It felt good. It felt like I needed to do it, like I craved it. After the run Pete and I went shopping. For the first time since college I fit into jeans at Old Navy and Gap. I fit into jeans at Gap. I was so happy, I could have walked on water.

I want that back. I plan on getting that back. I will get that back.

Ring Around the Finger

When my husband presented me with my engagement ring in 12/07 I was so very happy. There was some rangling going on between us and he didn't put it on, I put it on me. While the verbal back and forth went on I asked him what size it was and he said at 6.5. My hear sank. I knew that the ring would never fit me. The rings I had previously worn on my ring fingers were 7 or 7.5. But he told me to put it on and the only way to proove that it wouldn't fit (despite him telling me that it would) was to show him.

You know what? It fit. And it was a little loose.

At that time Pete and I had been working out at the gym steadily for about 60 days. I was going 45 minutes on the elliptical and about 20 minutes of weights each time that we went to the gym. The days we didn't go to the gym, I was downstairs on the treadmill jogging for 40 minutes.

That pattern continued through January 2008. I became depressed about my parent's reaction to Pete. I got sick and because I was depressed, I gradually stopped working out. The ring that I had considered getting re-sized smaller, started getting tighter. And tighter.

I really dislike tight rings. I always wear them loose, to the point that they stop at the fatty part of the lower finger, just before the knuckle. Tight rings are like tight necklaces and bracelets. They feel like they're chocking me. And the more time went on, the tighter the rings were. This past winter they were getting so tight that it was uncomfortable to wear them.

I'm happy to say that today, they are back to being loose. To resting on the fatty portion of my finger. To being comfortable. So not only does this set of rings remind me of my love for Pete, my promise to him, but to my promise to myself to continue on my journey.

Obsession

Ever get those times where one thing dominates you? I know that you're going to think that I'm talking about my healthy lifestyle change. And you're right. Trying to change me has become an obsession. I log into Sparkpeople either on the PC or on my iPhone multiple times daily. I make sure that I'm at the gym 6 days and week and when I'm not there I'm thinking of how to change up the workouts so that I get better results. I'm reading food labels and nutritional content of EVERYTHING. So yes, I have become obsessed.

Only now I'm stalking blogs.

It started out with PriorFatGirl a week ago. Reading about her story and what she did and what she went through was inspiring. Then this week I found MamaLaughlin and again reading about her journey has inspired me. Only I'm stalking them. And it just occurred to me that they likely know this if they have any tracking of statisitcs on their blogs.

*sigh*

So I'm here to say: Yes, I have been stalking you. I'm sorry if it's weird. I'll try to only click once a day.

I cheated

I did. But in a good way.

You see I've developed such good eating anf fitness habits in the last couple of months. Well, at least good to me. I'm not perfect, but I try to be good. I track everything I eat. I track my fitness and calories burned. I make sure that I'm at the gym 6 days a week. I make sure that I'm keeping my carbs (oh lovely beautiful nummy carbs) to a minimum. I make sure that my fat intake is lower. I've made all these changes that speak to a healthier me.

And yet, when I got that that scale last Friday, even though I knew it, it hurt to see no loss. I work hard at this and the zero change is kind of defeating. No matter how much I talk myself into the fact that the inches lost is good.

So this morning I stepped on the scale. And promptly smiled. I lost another 2 pounds. I'm up to 11 pounds lost.

And while I realize that the 11 pounds isn't much, it's something. And it brings a smile to my face like the birthday cake did.

The truth about 40

The truth is that if I really look at this number that I've become today, I'm good. I say that because I think that I'm in a much better place at 40 than I ever was at 30.

At 30 I was living with a family member trying to save money for a house. But I wasn't happy about feeling like I was under someone's wing. At 40 I have my own house. I've had my own house for 4 years and I love it. With all it's faults (too small for Pete and I), it's the first big thing I did on my own.

At 30 I was going out a lot with friends. Sure, I could have a great happy hour with friends and party all night long. I would be out most every weekend having a good time. At 40 I realize that I do'nt have to drink to have fun. I realize that the friends that I have a good friends and they truely care about me. They are amazing.

At 30 I was so incredibly lonely I cried. I had friends and family around me all the time, but I was lonely. I didn't have the one. at 40 I have Pete, my true love. For good and bad, he is it. And he loves me for who I am now, not who I was or who I might be. Without him I don't know where I'd be.

At 30 I ate what I want and sat around. At 40 I watch what I eat so that it's both good for me and tastes good. I get up and workout 6 days a week. I'm active and doing things. I own a motorcycle and we ride. We travel. We see movies and check out museams. We walk in parks and have adventures. I'm doing, not just watching from the sidelines.

At 30 I was shy(er), introvered(er). At 40 I'm more confident in who I am and where I'm at in life. I know that it's me and only me who can make me happy inside. I know that I can't change others and I can't make them happy.

At 40 I am me. Good, bad, ugly and beautiful. I am Michelle.

Here I come 40's.

No loss :(

Somehow I knew that standing on that scale this morning would reveal no weight loss. I don't know how I new, but I did. And sure enough I got on and there was no change. But then I measured my hips and found a 4.5 inch loss and my though had a 2 inch loss. Seriously! So while I may not have lost weight, my body is changing and firming up.

I think I've found enough bloggers who are in the same boat that I am to keep me motivated. I'm really invested in seeing my food and fitness trackers on SparkPeople and the bloggers stories just help drive home that this is not a quick thing. It's a change in thinking over a long period of time.

I can do it.

The girl in the orange sweter

Sometime last fall I bought an orange sweater. It's not something I'd normally buy, but I was trying to get hip and in style. I wore it once and then washed it, hanging it to dry. After washing it was snug around my midsection. The kind of snug that kept me sucking in my tummy anytime I got up to walk around the office. But I continued to wear it because I like it.

After a couple more wearings I washed it again. This time I ended up accidentially tossing it in the dryer with a bunch of other clothes. When I opened the dryer to take the clothes out it came falling out. And my heart sunk. I immediately tried it on. It wasn't snug any longer. It was suctioned to my midsection. There was no way I could wear it again. So it's been sitting ontop of the dryer, waiting. For what, I don't know.

I think that, along with turing 40 soon, along with the possibility of going to Germany, along with the trip to Jackson Hole this summer and a thousand other things lead me to get serious about losing weight again.

I've been going to the gym 6 days a week for 4 weeks and for the 3 weeks before that it was about 3-4 days a week. I've been limiting portion sizes since February 1st and tracking everything I eat for the last 2 weeks. As of last Friday I lost 9 pounds. My next weigh in is tomorrow morning.

But you know what? I put that sweater on today, on a whim. Not only does it fit, but it fits better than when I bought it. It's loose in the middle. What a wonderful feeling! It made me smile instantly and it motivated me to keep going.

Spark

This -> SparkPage is me. I joined the local Y the last day of January, but didn't really get into it until the middle of February. I was going to the gym several times a week afte work. Only things would keep getting in the way and I'd find excuses not to go. Since 2/22/10 I've been getting up at 5 am 4 out of 5 days during the work week and every day on the weekend to go to the gym. I spend about 20-30 minutes on weights for one body area and about 30-45 minutes on the treadmill during the week. On the weekends I spend a good 30 minutes on the weights and 50 minutes on the tredmill.

As of last Friday I was down 9 pounds. I've had a bad week so far, but I'm hoping that I can continue to lose. I did way to much on my core over the weekend and wore myself out. Monday it was all I could do to stay awake until 1. At 1:30 I left work and slept hard for an hour. My mucles were sore and I took it easy the rest of the night. I skipped Tuesday gym. Today I was back at the gym working on my arms with weights and on the tredmill for 45 minutes.

I've been doing ok with eating. Tracking everything helps. I was getting under the calories that the program set for me so I lowered my daily intake to 1300-1500 a day. I try to keep my carbs to about 10 servings a day and high protien, high fiber, low fat.

I know that my muscles are getting stronger. I can tell that in my arms and my legs. I just hope I kep losing weight.

I talk it, but can I live it?

I worked so hard to figure out how to live my life. It's not an easy thing for everyone to do and it takes work and practice and really living to figure out how to be happy sometimes. For me, it was in my 30's that I realized that I cannot make everyone happy. I have to make me happy and hope that others are happy for me.

This past weekend I was forced to consider if I could accept that from others. It seems simple, doesn't it? You make yourself happy and everyone else does the same and everyone is happy. Right? Nope. I've come to realize that sometimes the thing that makes me happy, makes others very unhappy, sad, disappointed or hurt. So how do a rectify the situation? I end up going back to the fact that I have to make myself happy and worry less about others.

It's hard though, being on the other end of it. It's hard not judging because it's not what you would do. It's hard thinking that your feelings aren't most important to others. I need to accept it though. I need to live it, if I can preach about it.

So I've figured out again that I need to make myself happy. I need to do whatever it is that makes me safe and happy and worrry less about others.

sad, angry, disappointed

I'm so angry. So mad. I'm upset and frustrated and pissed off at someone. I can't put into words the various emotions going through my heart right now. Hopefully soon I can though.