I'm sad.

I don't quite know how else to say it, but I'm sad.

I spent the last 10 years thinking that my chances for a long and loving relationship with a man had passed. That I could be happy as a single person or a person dating, but not finding that one person for me.

I spent the last 10 years worried. Worried that with the health of my parents I wouldn't have them at my wedding. That my mom wouldn't be there to be excited for me, happy for me. That she wouldn't be there to help me plan this special day and share it with me. That my dad wouldn't be there to talk me down the isle and see me happy. That he wouldn't be there to give me to the man I loved.

And yet here I am. I'm happy, engaged and trying to get excited about planning a wedding. My parents are still with us and I was so very excited the night I got this beautiful ring from him. Yet in my head somewhere it occurred to me to wait to tell my parents until I could see them in person. To see their reaction. And my head was right. They were congratulatory, but not excited. And for 2 weeks I couldn't put my finger on it, although I knew there was something.

Earlier this week I went to my parents to ask my mom to go to a wedding event. Instead she questioned me about him. About his past. She reasearched him on the internet. I was shocked. I was floored. I was hurt. Not hurt that they found something and asked about it, they are parents and should be concerned. Incredibly hurt that they searched. That they looked almost hoping to find something to disuade me.

Gosh, never in my wildest dreams did it ever occurr to me that they wouldn't be happy just to see me happy. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine planning a wedding wouldn't be fun.


So here I am at a crossroads.

One half of me wants to run away and get married somewhere and live a wonderful life, the two of us. One half of me says that I can't let them dictate my happiness and I should have the wedding I want and just send them an invite to it all. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want them to approach me and offer up their happiness. And I'd be lying if I said that at times opetion A is more to my liking and others, option B is what I need.