21 Days - Day 1

I mentioned a bit ago that it takes 21 days to build a new habit.  21 days/3 weeks and you have a new way of doing something.

I think I've lost a bit of the confidence I had when I weighed less.  I'm a bit less outgoing and sure of myself in all aspects of my life.  Pete asked me about this because I've started saying "sorry" lately for things that I think I'm doing wrong. Stupid things like apologizing for taking Pete's super cold water from the fridge.  Dumb!  After I do it, I mentally recoil; I want to take the words back.  Pete and I talked about this over the weekend.  I think what it comes down to is that I have to take control of my life again.

You know that piece of advice that says to list the negatives/positives in any decision to get the best answer?  Well, in this case, I see the negatives outweighing my life now.  I see how I have less energy, I'm worn out just doing normal stuff all day, my skin and hair look less healthy, I'm hungry all the time for sweet things, my clothes don't fit, I'm not as mentally ready for each day, I sleep badly...  I could go on and on.  The positives?  Can't really think of any...other than I don't have to try each day.  And that, that is sad.

So today is day 1 of 21.  My first hurdle is getting up at 4:45am.  Yes.  I'm currently awake and have been for almost an hour.  I didn't go to the gym because even though I had a great day yesterday, I was dumb. 

1.  My almost 12 year old neice, Alison, has the same shoes I do!  2.  She loves my dog as much, if not more, than I do.  She really comes over to spend time with him, not me.  3.  We made a dessert that she found on the internet.  4.  I made sweet, smokey, chipolte BBQ sauce.  5.  We took the dog for his first run in the fields by our house.

I loved the time that I spent with my niece yesterday.  It was cool that we had the same shoes.  But I got those shoes at Costco for $19.  They're cute with bright colors and laces.  I got them to replace the Ryka walking around/shopping/going out tenny shoes that I've had for almost a year and are worn out.  But they have no support.  None.  So walking around on them all day is ok.  But going for that walk?  It killed my feet.  Killed.  I was hobbling yesterday.  So no gym today.  But I'm up, awake for the day and that's half my battle.  Tomorrow...the same thing, only gym. 

Bloggy Motivation

Last month I read Prior Fat Girl's Blog about accountability.  She poses a good question:

Every once in awhile, I think to myself that I should find an accountability partner. Someone to help keep me on track. But if I can’t be accountable to myself, what is that saying?

At first, I thought the same thing!  I mean I'm an adult and it's my life all of this impacts.  So if I can't be accountable to myself about getting healthy, what does it say about my need/want to do so?  But I keep coming back to the fact that I want an accountability partner.  I even asked for one on Facebook - telling people to call me out if I hadn't posted about surviving a workout at the gym within 24 hours.  What I got was people liking the post and some saying they don't know how far to push me in a call out.  And in the end, no one called me out.

What it comes down to for me is that I need an accountability partner(s).  I need someone to call me out, to ask me how I'm doing, to check up on my goal progress.  For really, if I could do this all on my own, I'd be doing it and have done this all in my 20s and not waited until I was hitting 40 to figure out how to be healthy.

So, yes.  Yes, I do need an accountability partner(s).  I need someone to support me in what I need to do, vent to about struggles and even laugh with.  Is this a bad thing?  I'm choosing to say that it's not.  It's a good thing because in the end no one can do life alone, we all need support.

So here are the blogs that I'm reading again, for support, motivation and immersing myself in the healthiness journey again:

1.  Prior Fat Girl:  there are a couple different women who blog about getting healthy.
2.  Fat Chick To Fit Chick:  Kick ass reality checker who doesn't mince words. 
3.  Skinny Meg:  She's hopped up on running and I really love how motivated she is.
4.  Operation Skinny Jeans:  She really speaks to me about the struggles and triumphs that she goes through.

Do You Miss The Heavier You?

Have you seen this article?

Things I Miss About Being 300 Pounds

Weight and body image is a strange thing.  I've often talked about how I never thought I was "that big" when I was close to 300 pounds.  I always thought I was "ok"; heavier, but just ok in my body.  My eyes saw me, but never really SAW me.

As I lost weight, strange things started happening.  I didn't see myself as the thinner version that I apparently saw when I was almost 300 pounds.  Strange?  You bet.  When I was big, I thought I was small.  The smaller I got, the bigger I kept seeing myself.  So when I say that body image screws you up - I mean it.  And that's just the inward self body image.

Let's talk about the outward image that the public sees.  The image that a new person sees and immediately judges you on.  Because the little judgements we have with someone, are immediate and happen with everyone.  No matter how much you say that you don't judge someone, you do.  It's natural.  You can choose to be better about it and work on it, but everyone judges.

The more weight that I lost, the more that people in public acknowleged that they saw me.  Women would make comments in stores, either commiserating about something, asking for advice or giving me unsolicited positive advice.  Men smiled at me more, opened doors and seemed to eyeball me.  It was a really strange transition mentally.  I was so used to being the wallpaper that I had a hard time being the chair that everyone wanted to talk about.  But it gave me both a new confidence in myself to take more chances, be more comfortable with myself.  It was a good thing, even though it made me so sad for the heavy me and living as an invisible person.

Fast forward to now.  I'm 30 pounds heavier.  I have hips again and a booty and it's driving me nuts.  But the interesting thing is that I'm back to getting fewer comments from women, less doors opened by men and I feel all wallpaperish again.  Damn.  30 pounds and I'm fading back into the wall.  Strangers are fickle apparently.  Very fickle.  And my only recourse is to lose the weight again.

My Birthversary

I just passed the 14th anniversary of my 29th birthday. Otherwise known as 'I'm old-er' as of Saturday. 

I think back, not to the birthdays of my youth, but to my recent birthdays. The birthdays of my youth are filled with the innocence of believing that birthdays are all about getting older. Believing that the best is yet to come and not where you are right then. Youthful birthdays are all about counting the numbers off. 

Three years ago (2011) I was smack dab in the midst of trying to lose weight on my own. I was supporting Pete in his gastric band process. I was having some success, some failure, but felt optimistic that I could be a better, healthier version of me. I remember feeling some irritation at Pete from how hard he was working and how much success he was having. Jealousy perhaps. Not that I wasn't happy for him, but I wanted the level of success also.  I remember shopping with him for his post surgery meals, trying to find everything on his list. In the same shopping trip I shopped for myself, excited to have some meals that were my favorites, that he wouldn't and at that time, couldn't. How lame. 

2 years ago (2012) I was recovering from my own surgery. I was the one shopping for post surgery meals, sore from the surgery and trying to learn a new way of eating. I remember how freaking determined I was!  Hope hopeful I was. I was committed to this healthiness journey. Pete supported me, much in the same was I did him. 

Last year (2013) I felt awesome. I was well under 200 pounds and more importantly I felt so incredible. I fit into sizes that I hadn't since collie and high school.  I loved going to they gym and had goals that were exercised based. I had muscles that showed and cheekbones and collarbones. I ate 80% healthy and craved healthy food. I remember the joy I felt at running 8 miles the first time, going up in weight at Body Pump class and sitting in my car afterwards with a smile that wouldn't quit. I remember the mental clarity, the emotional evenness and the energy I had each day after starting it at the gym. I was happy, hopefull and in a groove. 

This year?  I'm different. A life altering decision resulted in a life altering surgery. I've gained 30 pounds and I'm heavier than my pre gastric band surgery. I crave sweets after every meal and my portions are way off track. The gym is a twinkle that's dimmed by my hitting the snooze button. I'm not happy physically or emotionally. My motivation is gone. 

In the last couple of days I've seen some things on Instagram about days of self love or happiness. And I'm jumping in...with a twist. 

21 Days To A Healthy Habit. It takes 21 days/3weeks to make practicing something a habit. 21 short days. 3 weeks. An hour or so a day.  My first healthy habit is just getting to the gym. I  need this habit again. It's both helpful physically, emotionally and mentally. I need this. 

Oh hey, Hi.

I won't bore you with the details, but the man cold jumped ship to the wife.  So I've been spending my mornings trying to furiously work for a few hours so that I can spend my afternoons coughing up a lung while trying to nap.  Oh, and binge watching Grey's Anatomy via Netflix.

None of this has to do with losing weight, eating better or anything.  Other than all I want to do is drink ginger ale because the carbonation seems to soothe my sore throat.  I can't walk up the stairs without huffing, puffing and depositing my lung on the fifth stair.  And my idea of working out is how my abs tighten when I cough.

So, the gym is a no go currently.

And healthy eating?  Well lets just say that cooking has been Pete's job.  And Monday night he served up "Hotdog and Baked Bean Lasagna with Pepper Jack Cheese and Spicy BBQ Sauce.

Why are you laughing?  I'm dead serious.  He sandwiched all that in between lasagna noodles.  He was proud and I ate it.  2 nights in a row.

Yesterday seemed to be a corner in the illness front.  My chest loosened up and it's not a dry hacking cough, it's productive (as my doctor says).  And my head seems to be decongesting as well, as evidenced by the amount of lotion tissues I've used this morning. 

And I actually don't mind "cooking" because I took out 1/2 pound of lean ground lamb that I'm going to mix with i diced potato, a couple of carrots, some peas and stock to make a shepard (but not Derek Shepard.  See what I did there?) pie, minus the mashed tators on top.  Or maybe I'll use the sweet potato in the mixture and microwave the white potato and make fast mashed tators for Pete...

Anyway, I hope to be back at it by Monday. 

The Yoga Pants Did It

Where I work, we have to dress up.  I'm not talking about suits or anything, but we can't wear jeans (other than Fridays), no sweatshirts, shorts, yoga pants...  We are a unit that doesn't regularly meet with clients.  For the most part. there is one person assigned to meet with clients in the office each day and that person should dress appropriately to do so.  The rest of us either work from home or hibernate behind computers in our offices for work. 

For years I've worked to get all of us to be able to wear jeans in the office.  We wear badges to get between floors so we are identified as employees.  But I'm met with a NO response each time.  A little over a year ago, I realized that we are the only unit on our campus of 3 buildings that cannot regularly wear jeans.  And yet some people seem to wear jeans regularly and not get called on it.

Over the years, while fighting for jeans, my co-workers would comment that I should be fighting for sweatpants, not jeans.  I laughed and commented how my jeans were comfortable and I'd be ok with those and a nice top/sweater and jewelry to dress it up.  I maintained that my jeans were as comfortable as my sweatpants.

Then I had surgery.  Oh my how those yoga pants were AWESOME!  And since I never really went back into the office and started working from home after surgery, I never went back to my work clothes.  So imagine my surprise when I tried on my work clothes upon having to go into the office and they didn't fit.  I was crushed about the weight gain and I've documented this. 

So I've tried several things to get back to my healthy journey.  But in that time, I keep wearing my yoga pants.  And I'm starting to think that they are my downfall.  I can't help but wonder if my weight gain wouldn't have gotten so out of control if I was wearing regular work pants or jeans on a regular basis and realize that they were getting tighter and tighter.  Yoga pants just keep stretching and stretching. 

So I've decided that my yoga pants are to blame for my weight gain...

This post is tongue in cheek...kind of.

Ash Wednesday/The 40 Days of Lent

It's no secret, I often use the pressure of Lent to give up food things or try to be healthier.  I believe that this is ok and I give myself permission to do so, knowing that a healthier me is a better me and that the spirit of Lent is represented in my struggle.

This year, my goal is to be more mindful of why I'm eating.  Working from home, I have a whole kitchen at my disposal all. the. time.  It's not like I can only bring my breakfast & lunch and I'm out of food.  Well, I suppose I could if I locked myself in my extra bedroom/office.  But that would mean that Pete would have to lock me inside from the outside.  And that would be weird because I'd have no potty.  I digress...

I created a little note in my phone, titled...Lent.  (original!) My plan is that aside from meals, if I'm going to eat a 'snack', I need to log the time and what I'm feeling and if I still choose to snack.  I need to be more mindful about what I'm snacking on and my feelings at the time.  Snacking has been an issue for me in the past and continues to be.  This strategy really helped me in the days leading up to surgery and after surgery. 

It's the little things.  The little things that add up to big things.  Big changes and goals and dreams. 

The Plan and Goals

When I detailed my plan last week I forgot to talk about a big part of it.  Blogging. 

Blogging and reading blogs is such a powerful motivator for me. I think that I tend to hibernate when things are going right and that's when I most need to reach out.  I need to document the struggles that I have and go back to read them so I can see I am powerful and strong.  I need to read the bloggers who motivated me before and find new ones to share my current struggles. 

So along with the plan from last week, I plan on blogging regularly again. 

Goals are important.  Really important.  I reached out Fabulous Check Gets Fit after seeing her posts on her Instagram.  She reminded me that setting small goals to get that sense of accomplishment is important.  We all want to feel like we are making accomplishments and this is one way to do that.

My goal is to lose 20 pounds.  I honestly don't think that it will take more than about 6 months to do that once I start execising regularly and slowly returning to my healthier eating.  I hope that the gym will start helping me with body image too and regaining the muscle that I've lost. 

Along with goal setting, I personally feel like it should be connected to a reward.  Small, medium or large, just not food related.  I used to put money on the fridge that I could spend on clothes or pick out a new pan to cook with or more motorcycle riding gear.  My goal for getting to under 200 was my ring tattoo for Pete.  And I look at that infinity symbol and heart and rememeber that I CAN DO THIS.

So my goal for losing 20 pounds is another tattoo.  In fact two of them.  My fake nipple tattoos to finsh of my reconectruction.  I have the name of the tattoo artist who comes highly recommended and the money set aside to get them done.  That's my goal.