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Things I Miss About Being 300 Pounds
Weight and body image is a strange thing. I've often talked about how I never thought I was "that big" when I was close to 300 pounds. I always thought I was "ok"; heavier, but just ok in my body. My eyes saw me, but never really SAW me.
As I lost weight, strange things started happening. I didn't see myself as the thinner version that I apparently saw when I was almost 300 pounds. Strange? You bet. When I was big, I thought I was small. The smaller I got, the bigger I kept seeing myself. So when I say that body image screws you up - I mean it. And that's just the inward self body image.
Let's talk about the outward image that the public sees. The image that a new person sees and immediately judges you on. Because the little judgements we have with someone, are immediate and happen with everyone. No matter how much you say that you don't judge someone, you do. It's natural. You can choose to be better about it and work on it, but everyone judges.
The more weight that I lost, the more that people in public acknowleged that they saw me. Women would make comments in stores, either commiserating about something, asking for advice or giving me unsolicited positive advice. Men smiled at me more, opened doors and seemed to eyeball me. It was a really strange transition mentally. I was so used to being the wallpaper that I had a hard time being the chair that everyone wanted to talk about. But it gave me both a new confidence in myself to take more chances, be more comfortable with myself. It was a good thing, even though it made me so sad for the heavy me and living as an invisible person.
Fast forward to now. I'm 30 pounds heavier. I have hips again and a booty and it's driving me nuts. But the interesting thing is that I'm back to getting fewer comments from women, less doors opened by men and I feel all wallpaperish again. Damn. 30 pounds and I'm fading back into the wall. Strangers are fickle apparently. Very fickle. And my only recourse is to lose the weight again.