In March 2009 I blogged about being WORRIED, MY GENETIC JOURNEY and that the test was NEGATIVE.
I can't remember if I shared the conversation I once had with my Mom. She was talking about watching my Grandma and Great Grandma go to Mexico for treatment for breast cancer. She talked about how my Grandparents surprised them all by taking them out to eat, only to tell them that my Grandma had breast cancer. In the conversation she said that when my Grandma was diagnosed she was 48 and my Great Grandma about the same age. After that my Mom just knew that she would be diagnosed around the same age also.
My Mom turned 48 the day she had the biopsy confirming that she had breast cancer. I look back know and feel horrible about that day. My sister and I had planned a surprise dinner for my Mom that night and invited my Grandma over. When my Mom got home from work I could sense that there was something wrong, but dismissed it. I could never have known that she had just come from the biopsy. I'll forever feel sorry for that day and yet, she's never said anything to my sister or I about it.
Often I've thought about my Mom feeling like she would have breast cancer. How often did it enter her mind? She she read her nursing journals searching for the newest information on breast cancer to gain knowledge for her patients, herself or both? Did she wonder when her day would come? Did it consume her the closer she got to 48? Did she and my Dad talk about it or did she suffer in silence, not wanting to worry anyone?
Since then, I've talked to Pete about this at length. We've had many a quiet conversation laying in bed, strolling around our favorite wedding place, in the car...on the phone. I've expressed my fears several times and he understands them as best a man can.
In the last couple of months I've wanted to get a tattoo. I have the image in mind and a little saying, but can't figure out where to get it. I want someplace that won't sag, wrinkle or look horrible in 20 years. I want to be able to see it, but not have it visible to clients who have no boundaries most of the time.
New Years Eve Pete and I went to see one of his favorite bands play. Somehow the conversation turned to tattoos. Pete suggested my breast and I quickly replied, "I can't get it close to my breast." He asked why and I stated, "I just know I'll be diagnosed with breast cancer like my Mom and I don't want to lose a tattoo."
I got a call today that my mammogram from last week was abnormal. I am scheduled to go in later this week for another mammogram, an ultrasound and potentially other tests and then meet with a radiologist. As I sit here I can't help but wonder if it's a self fulfilling prophecy? And I can't help but be fearful and anxiety ridden. Honestly, I'm pretty scared.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
My Beating Heart
I read something yesterday that sent me into a spin and my heart a beating.
That paragraph up there...it is me. To a capital T. I plan everything in my head. Whether it's a possibility of the situation arising or not. And to see this somewhere other than my brain is shocking. Shocking because the truth of it is that I thought this is how everyone's brain worked. But it's not. So when I tried to explain social anxiety to my husband and ended up all frustrated because he didn't understand, I know understand why. Shocking because I'm not just a planner as I thought. It's not normal to plan out scenarios in your head for something that may or may not happen.
So when I read it, my breath left me and then I slowly inhaled and resumed breathing. Then I thought about it. Jen talked about how her Mom's death lead her anxiety to become worse and the other stressful life events caused it to become even worse. This morning as I was drying off after my shower and thinking about how a conversation with my husband would go about putting the scale in the corner and what I'd say if he said no and what else I could say...I stopped again, breathless. I know exactly where my anxiety comes from, the exact period in my life when it started. It was a situation that I had little control over that occurred over and over. My only coping mechanism was to do the scenarios in my head to come up with a plan of how to gain control. Only none of them ever worked as I was little prepared for them and they never had any outcome that I could ever imagine.
So you know what I did? I walked into the bedroom where Pete was sitting and explained it all to him. How the blog post triggered this in me. How I understood why he didn't understand. How I knew where it came from. All of it. And he listened. And he didn't think I was crazy or nuts or off the wall. He listened. He asked me what I wanted to do about it and I told him I didn't know. Then he said the thing I most needed to hear - "I'll support you in whatever you need to do."
Ever since this morning I've been thinking about it. I don't quite know what to do. I don't know that I have the tools to retrain my brain not to strategize every move, conversation, social setting, work day, home day, motorcycle ride....ahead of time. I don't know if there is a way for me to gain the tools on my own or if I need outside help. But I do know that I understand myself a little bit better tonight than I did 48 hours ago. I do know that losing weight isn't going to solve all my problems. This is very clear to me now.
My entire life, I’ve always thought about the future. I planned conversations, replayed how I thought things were going to go over and over in my head. I thought about possible scenarios’, thinking about how I would respond when someone said something. And when they didn’t, I would play out new scenarios. Source: Prior Fat GirlI'm a planner. I talk about it here on my blog. I talk about how my once roommate/friend told me that I always think of all the bad things and I explained that I was problem solving ahead. But the truth hit me like the proverbial train yesterday. I am not a planner. I have anxiety. Even writing this down, my heart is beating fast. As though writing it down makes it somehow scary; as though it wasn't scary before.
That paragraph up there...it is me. To a capital T. I plan everything in my head. Whether it's a possibility of the situation arising or not. And to see this somewhere other than my brain is shocking. Shocking because the truth of it is that I thought this is how everyone's brain worked. But it's not. So when I tried to explain social anxiety to my husband and ended up all frustrated because he didn't understand, I know understand why. Shocking because I'm not just a planner as I thought. It's not normal to plan out scenarios in your head for something that may or may not happen.
So when I read it, my breath left me and then I slowly inhaled and resumed breathing. Then I thought about it. Jen talked about how her Mom's death lead her anxiety to become worse and the other stressful life events caused it to become even worse. This morning as I was drying off after my shower and thinking about how a conversation with my husband would go about putting the scale in the corner and what I'd say if he said no and what else I could say...I stopped again, breathless. I know exactly where my anxiety comes from, the exact period in my life when it started. It was a situation that I had little control over that occurred over and over. My only coping mechanism was to do the scenarios in my head to come up with a plan of how to gain control. Only none of them ever worked as I was little prepared for them and they never had any outcome that I could ever imagine.
So you know what I did? I walked into the bedroom where Pete was sitting and explained it all to him. How the blog post triggered this in me. How I understood why he didn't understand. How I knew where it came from. All of it. And he listened. And he didn't think I was crazy or nuts or off the wall. He listened. He asked me what I wanted to do about it and I told him I didn't know. Then he said the thing I most needed to hear - "I'll support you in whatever you need to do."
Ever since this morning I've been thinking about it. I don't quite know what to do. I don't know that I have the tools to retrain my brain not to strategize every move, conversation, social setting, work day, home day, motorcycle ride....ahead of time. I don't know if there is a way for me to gain the tools on my own or if I need outside help. But I do know that I understand myself a little bit better tonight than I did 48 hours ago. I do know that losing weight isn't going to solve all my problems. This is very clear to me now.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
2012 Word
I talked a while ago about how people chose words to use as their theme for the year. Cheesy, yes. But sometimes I think that we need a little cheese to get us through.
2011 wasn't easy.
There were family stresses that seem to have settled back out. Although they're always there, lingering, ready to resurface. My Grandma seems to be better from her back injury and has regained enough strength to live daily again. She was fabulous on Christmas. I spent a realtivly relaxed Christmas with family and it was a good one. Whether it's the idea that she may not be around all that much longer and we need to enjoy it or that we were all simply getting along, it was a good one and I'll take it.
There was financial stress. Pete was on unemployment more than he worked. It's frustrating as hell to see how he struggled to find a job that was a good fit for him and the employer. He started working for a new company, permanent and full time the week of 12/12/11. The steady check that is much more than what he was getting on unemployment is certainly welcomed. We have a good plan to get caught up on our emergecy fund, our travel fund and savings again.
There was physical stress. I struggled all year with losing additional weight. I'd be active 6 days a week at the gym, watching portions and what I ate and still see no results. Many times I felt like giving up. And to some degree I did that after I hurt the balls of my feet in August. But I'm back at it. Working out 4-5 days a week and doing what I can to help myself out. I struggled through getting approved for a gastric banding surgery and I'm still in the process. But I see a window of light and I'm reaching for it with all I have.
There was emotional stress. All that suff that I just wrote...it causes emotional stress in various ways. A blue day here and there. Frustration, anger, irritation.... Pete and I are in for the long haul marriage wise. We both understand there are ups and downs along the way and quitting just isn't an option. It's not that we have problems, it's that we are finding our way. We're understanding that it takes work and just doesn't happen.
So for 2012, my word is CHOICES.
I see how choices that I made in 2011 determined my path all along. Even when I didn't make the better choice, I rode it out and figured out how to get back to center with new choices. Choices are made with lots of thought and with little thought. I'd like 2012 to be the year that I really consider my choices and be aware of why I made that choice. I'd like to think that I continue to learn from wrong choices and when the situation presents it's self again, I can chose to make the better choice the next time.
CHOICES.
2011 wasn't easy.
There were family stresses that seem to have settled back out. Although they're always there, lingering, ready to resurface. My Grandma seems to be better from her back injury and has regained enough strength to live daily again. She was fabulous on Christmas. I spent a realtivly relaxed Christmas with family and it was a good one. Whether it's the idea that she may not be around all that much longer and we need to enjoy it or that we were all simply getting along, it was a good one and I'll take it.
There was financial stress. Pete was on unemployment more than he worked. It's frustrating as hell to see how he struggled to find a job that was a good fit for him and the employer. He started working for a new company, permanent and full time the week of 12/12/11. The steady check that is much more than what he was getting on unemployment is certainly welcomed. We have a good plan to get caught up on our emergecy fund, our travel fund and savings again.
There was physical stress. I struggled all year with losing additional weight. I'd be active 6 days a week at the gym, watching portions and what I ate and still see no results. Many times I felt like giving up. And to some degree I did that after I hurt the balls of my feet in August. But I'm back at it. Working out 4-5 days a week and doing what I can to help myself out. I struggled through getting approved for a gastric banding surgery and I'm still in the process. But I see a window of light and I'm reaching for it with all I have.
There was emotional stress. All that suff that I just wrote...it causes emotional stress in various ways. A blue day here and there. Frustration, anger, irritation.... Pete and I are in for the long haul marriage wise. We both understand there are ups and downs along the way and quitting just isn't an option. It's not that we have problems, it's that we are finding our way. We're understanding that it takes work and just doesn't happen.
So for 2012, my word is CHOICES.
I see how choices that I made in 2011 determined my path all along. Even when I didn't make the better choice, I rode it out and figured out how to get back to center with new choices. Choices are made with lots of thought and with little thought. I'd like 2012 to be the year that I really consider my choices and be aware of why I made that choice. I'd like to think that I continue to learn from wrong choices and when the situation presents it's self again, I can chose to make the better choice the next time.
CHOICES.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Holiday Baking
It's no secret, I love to bake. Actually I love to cook, bake, grill... I love food and all that goes into it. So Saturday morning I was up at 5am and made about 8 different kinds of cookies & candy for Christmas.
WOAH you're saying. Why do that when you're trying to lose weight?
What to know my secret? When I spend all day baking like that or even half a day or several hours - I can't eat what I bake. The overwhelming amount of sugar and sweetness really turns me off. Similarly when I spend a lot of time cooking a whole meal, I get the same way, although not as badly.
So Saturday I had about 3 cookies and that was it. Sunday on the other hand I could have eaten everything. But I had one of several kinds over the day and then packaged them up into trays for the various places we have Christmas.
Want to know my other secret? I give all the cookies away! I keep about 3 of each kind for Pete and I to share from Christmas t New Years and the rest go to other houses to be enjoyed.
So you can bake and cook while trying to lose weight. You just have to have strategies for making sure that you don't overindulge.
WOAH you're saying. Why do that when you're trying to lose weight?
What to know my secret? When I spend all day baking like that or even half a day or several hours - I can't eat what I bake. The overwhelming amount of sugar and sweetness really turns me off. Similarly when I spend a lot of time cooking a whole meal, I get the same way, although not as badly.
So Saturday I had about 3 cookies and that was it. Sunday on the other hand I could have eaten everything. But I had one of several kinds over the day and then packaged them up into trays for the various places we have Christmas.
Want to know my other secret? I give all the cookies away! I keep about 3 of each kind for Pete and I to share from Christmas t New Years and the rest go to other houses to be enjoyed.
So you can bake and cook while trying to lose weight. You just have to have strategies for making sure that you don't overindulge.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Christmas Memories
A had a friend ask on Facebook how important traditions were. I immediately assumed this was a Holidays question and answered: Traditions are important and I miss the old ones. But I know that things change and we adapt and find new ones. The important thing is not to forget the old memories in the sights, the smells and the sounds of the holidays."
I love traditions. I think because I am so happy when I know what is happening. Also known as I'm not usually spontaneous. I've written before about how happy the holidays were for us as kids. We didn't have much throughout the year and my parents struggled, but the holidays were always magical. Presents, family, food, fun, laughter and joy. Such joy.
As family members started passing away and we kids started growing up, the traditions had to change. I resisted and threatened and sometimes cried about it. I liked things the way they were, the familiarity of it all. In the end, it didn't work, even I had to move on.
With Pete, I've developed new traditions. Things like St Nikolaus Day on 12/6/11; presents in your shoes! Opening gifts on the 23rd each year because that is when I opened my engagement ring and he proposed. Things like buying gifts for 4 kids, instead of just my niece & nephew.
Although I resisted, I see how changing my perspective, learning new things and welcoming change has made me a better person. Sappy Christmas blog entry, right? Well, yes and no. When you think about it, I resisted change for so long when it came to my health. I was ok because what I was doing was familiar and safe. Taking chances and making changes was new and not very fun. I hope that the coming year has me firmly set in place with an about face healthiness-wise also. New traditions, learning new things and welcoming the change in perspective for my body.
I love traditions. I think because I am so happy when I know what is happening. Also known as I'm not usually spontaneous. I've written before about how happy the holidays were for us as kids. We didn't have much throughout the year and my parents struggled, but the holidays were always magical. Presents, family, food, fun, laughter and joy. Such joy.
As family members started passing away and we kids started growing up, the traditions had to change. I resisted and threatened and sometimes cried about it. I liked things the way they were, the familiarity of it all. In the end, it didn't work, even I had to move on.
With Pete, I've developed new traditions. Things like St Nikolaus Day on 12/6/11; presents in your shoes! Opening gifts on the 23rd each year because that is when I opened my engagement ring and he proposed. Things like buying gifts for 4 kids, instead of just my niece & nephew.
Although I resisted, I see how changing my perspective, learning new things and welcoming change has made me a better person. Sappy Christmas blog entry, right? Well, yes and no. When you think about it, I resisted change for so long when it came to my health. I was ok because what I was doing was familiar and safe. Taking chances and making changes was new and not very fun. I hope that the coming year has me firmly set in place with an about face healthiness-wise also. New traditions, learning new things and welcoming the change in perspective for my body.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)