In March 2009 I blogged about being WORRIED, MY GENETIC JOURNEY and that the test was NEGATIVE.
I can't remember if I shared the conversation I once had with my Mom. She was talking about watching my Grandma and Great Grandma go to Mexico for treatment for breast cancer. She talked about how my Grandparents surprised them all by taking them out to eat, only to tell them that my Grandma had breast cancer. In the conversation she said that when my Grandma was diagnosed she was 48 and my Great Grandma about the same age. After that my Mom just knew that she would be diagnosed around the same age also.
My Mom turned 48 the day she had the biopsy confirming that she had breast cancer. I look back know and feel horrible about that day. My sister and I had planned a surprise dinner for my Mom that night and invited my Grandma over. When my Mom got home from work I could sense that there was something wrong, but dismissed it. I could never have known that she had just come from the biopsy. I'll forever feel sorry for that day and yet, she's never said anything to my sister or I about it.
Often I've thought about my Mom feeling like she would have breast cancer. How often did it enter her mind? She she read her nursing journals searching for the newest information on breast cancer to gain knowledge for her patients, herself or both? Did she wonder when her day would come? Did it consume her the closer she got to 48? Did she and my Dad talk about it or did she suffer in silence, not wanting to worry anyone?
Since then, I've talked to Pete about this at length. We've had many a quiet conversation laying in bed, strolling around our favorite wedding place, in the car...on the phone. I've expressed my fears several times and he understands them as best a man can.
In the last couple of months I've wanted to get a tattoo. I have the image in mind and a little saying, but can't figure out where to get it. I want someplace that won't sag, wrinkle or look horrible in 20 years. I want to be able to see it, but not have it visible to clients who have no boundaries most of the time.
New Years Eve Pete and I went to see one of his favorite bands play. Somehow the conversation turned to tattoos. Pete suggested my breast and I quickly replied, "I can't get it close to my breast." He asked why and I stated, "I just know I'll be diagnosed with breast cancer like my Mom and I don't want to lose a tattoo."
I got a call today that my mammogram from last week was abnormal. I am scheduled to go in later this week for another mammogram, an ultrasound and potentially other tests and then meet with a radiologist. As I sit here I can't help but wonder if it's a self fulfilling prophecy? And I can't help but be fearful and anxiety ridden. Honestly, I'm pretty scared.