Wednesday, April 10, 2013
189; My Journey Almost Didn't Happen (WIW)
I stopped working out between the group meeting and the appointment. I knew that I was close to going under the BMI and didn't want to have issues qualifying. In fact, I drove home from the group session and ate Culvers in the car as I was driving. I think instinctively I knew I was in trouble. Pete and I drove to my appointment because he had one that day too. But I came out of the office in tears. I was 37.1 BMI and insurance wouldn't pay for it if I didn't qualify with one of the co-morbidity's.
I was crushed. All the hard work for the last few years and losing 20-30 pounds made me ineligible, but yet I couldn't keep losing? It didn't seem fair. It still doesn't seem fair. So I had some success, but couldn't continue it. So what, I was supposed to eat my way back to 40+ BMI so I could get the help I needed? That doesn't seem right either. And basing it all on the BMI? It's not an equal measure, it's supposed to be a starting place. I cried like a baby that night with my puppy licking my tears.
But in the end it turns out that I have sleep apnea and my cholesterol was high so I qualified anyway. I passed the nutritionist and the psychological evaluation and suddenly I had my appointment for surgery. I just needed to lose 5% of my losing goal. 11 pounds. It seemed that the motivation I needed to lose came from that deadline. If only someone could deadline me all the time like this! My ultimate goal was and still is, to get to 175 and see what my body looked like. At 175 I'm still overweight according to the BMI, but I stopped relying on that to tell me about my body and started using my eyes and the eyes of those around me. At 175 I want to see my body and see what it looks like. I want to see my body through the eyes of those around me and get their opinion. I want to be healthy first and awesomely hot second.
My surgery date turned out to be 3/21/12, the day before my 42nd birthday. Usually my family goes out to eat for birthdays and Pete and I have cake on my birthday. This year I was drinking broth and jello 2 days before and the day of my birthday I was having the same. No cake for me. At surgery I weighed 219, which was my goal. The surgery wasn't bad. I had seen Pete go through it so I knew what to expect. And I went home with my diet to work my way back up to eating real food.
Along the way I haven't had many issues. I did try to go back to work to early and almost ended up on the floor. I learned my lesson and took a couple more days off. They filled my band slowly and I really didn't start to feel restriction until about October of 2012. I'd been steadily losing 3-5 pounds each month and was happy with my progression. I told Pete that when I reached my goal of 175 I wanted a make over with a facial, massage, nails, hair and make up. I also wanted a tattoo that I've been thinking about. As 200 got closer I decided that I'd reward myself with a small ring tattoo when I was at 200 or lower for a month.
I got that first tattoo in October. But I also started experiencing sticking and issues with my gastric band. And let me tell you, they're not fun. They hurt. And they're scary when you don't know what's happening or how to fix it. I've detailed some of those in posts like this, and this one. I've sense figured out that if I want to use the band, I need to use the band. I need to listen to it and eat how I'm supposed to. Things like dry meat, squishy bread, fibrous fruits...all will stick if I'm not chewing correctly. A burger in a bun? The textures are too different for me so I eat the burger and fixings and forget the bun. It's changes to my diet, but I'm no where from deprived.
Would I do it again? The whole journey so far? Yes. You learn things along the way through the battles that you would never learn otherwise. You struggle and want to give up, but smile when you're on the other side of the hill going forward. I'm excited to keep going and see where this healthiness journey will get me.