Please, don't yell at me.

I usually don't talk about my job here. And I'm not going to get into speicifics. However, today has been rough. I'm answering incoming calls from clients and others. It seems to be the day to take it all out on me. So with that said, please know the following:

• I'm limited in the scope of what I can do to help you. I wish I could do more, but I can't.
• The information I can provide to you is limited. This time by law. Believe me, if I could, I'd give you everything you want because part of my job is to help.
• I don't know it all. I work with what I have and the access to the information that I have.
• I am here to help. Whether you want to believe it or not, I do care.
• I'm human too. Yelling, screaming and calling me names isn't pleasant and it doesn't get you past the limitations of the first 3 things.

I'm glad it's Friday, this has been a long week.

This is for Shimmy

I had several things written here. To support you, to let you know that I care. None of them seemed anything close to what you need. So I give you this:

Someone remembers,
someone cares;
Your name is whispered in someone’s prayers.
~Author Unknown

You are in my prayers.

Pete is in love

with southern MN. We went to Houston, MN this weekend for camping. It was beautiful down there. He says that it reminds him of the landscape in Germany. There were hills and valleys that were gorgeous! This first picture is of the rivervalley near Winona. We went on a morning run to breakfast and stopped several places to take pictures.

The second picture is of the falls by Pickwick, MN. The Pickwick Mill was a beautiful stone building that we stopped at. The mill produced flour for many many years and has been renovated so that it works again. The following picture is of the huge wheel in the mill. It was beautiful.

Then at the campout we participated in the games. Pete did really well with the riding the board game. Almost won. We did a game where Pete drove and I had to put clothespins on a string. It was funny and I got 4 on my first try!

All in all, it was a wonderful weekend. The next campout isn't for several weeks, but I'm looking forward to it!

As far as Grandma, thank you for your prayers. She is home and on medications. She is upset because she can't have salt and says that food tastes awful. But she is home and doing well.

Grandma Update

*big sigh*

They tested her heart yesterday and there is an issue with one of the valves. It's causing her heart chamber & lungs to retain more fluid. They could go in and fix it surgically. However she's 93. Most likely not a good surgical candidate. So they are working hard to figure out a medication regimen that will help her body get rid of the fluid and let her breathe easier.

And if that wasn't enough, when they were testing her heart they found that she most likely has Chronic Lukemia. I say most likey because in order to diagnose, they'd have to go in and get a bone marrow sample. Pretty invasive for a 93 year old. The thing is that it's totally curable with chemo. But again, she is 93 and doesn't know if she wants to go through all of that.

So the social worker told her and one of my aunts that they needed to have a family meeting this weekend with her and all her children. She needed to make her medical wishes known to everyone and come up with a living will. It's the beginning of the end for her.

I guess my Dad is having a hard time with it. And rightly so. I think when someone in your life is sick, you think about all the would haves, should haves and could haves. You wish you could have done things differently. You wonder what your relationship would have been like. But my Dad is kind of a stoic guy who doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve and keeps his emotions close. It doesn't help that it's the busy time of year for him with school getting ready to start and with all that comes from one of your children about to get married.

At any rate, please think of the family. I hope that the living will process is an easy one, as easy as it can be. I hope that they can get her medications regulated so she can come home, where she is most comfortable. I hope that she still has many days left in this world.

Prayers Please

See the little white haired woman to the right? That's Laura, my Grandma.

She is 93. Amazing woman. She took over caring for her father after her mother was institutionalized when she was still a preteen in the 1920's. She married then she and my Grandpa Ray took over her father's farm. She raised 7 children and tended to the house and a huge garden. Later in life she took a job for the local school district and worked for serveral years of her life. She's seen lots of good times and her share of bad.

Why am I telling you all this?

All summer long she's been telling me how excited she is that I'm getting married. How excited she is to be at the wedding. Only she ends that statement each time with "If I'm still around for it." The first time I giggled at her and told her that she was too stubborn not to be there. But the more she said it, the more it became something of her foreshadowing. It gave me that feeling. You know the one where you get that ickyness in your stomache and you get the shivers?

My Mom just called. Grandma is being admitted to the hospital how through the ER. She went in because she couldn't breathe. They found that her lungs are filling up with fluid. She's had this issue before and even had congestive heart failure after her open heart surgery because of it.

So, if you could, please pray for her. I realize that she has lived this long amazing life and if it's her time to leave this world, it's her time. Selfishly, I really want her at my wedding.

One Word

I 'stole' this from Nesa's Blog to the right:

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Your significant other? Pete
3. Your hair? dark
4. Your skin? oily
5. Your mother? better
6. Your favorite thing? love
7. Your dream last night? none
8. Your favorite drink? pepper
9. Your dream/goal? happiness
10. The room you're in? office
11. An ex-boyfriend? unmemorable
12. Your fear? unloved
13. Where were you last night? bed
14. What you're not? thin
15. Muffins? yummy
16. One of your wish list items? peace
17. Where did you grow up? suburbs
18. The last thing you did? review
19. What are you wearing? comfortable
20. Your TV? none
21. Your pets? fish
22. Your computer? new
23. Your life? hectic
24. Your mood? hopeful
25. Missing someone? always
26. Your car? red
27. Favorite store? spa
28. Your summer? quick
29. Like someone? smile!
30. Your favorite color? watermelon
31. Last time you laughed? morning
32. Last time you cried? days

It's not always easy to come up with one word. However, it makes you think about how you descibe your life and what's in it. It also makes me realize that sometimes less is more.

I thought I had it all figured out

I love to read. I remember being in 4th grade and getting a gift certificate (this was way before gift cards!) for a local book store. I went in and bought as many books as I could. When other kids were talking while waiting for the bus, I was often times reading. I remember staying up late on weekends reading the teen novels and 'disappearing' into them for hours on end. Then I discovered the library. Amazing wonderful place. I could go and check out books without having to pay for them.

In college my reading took a hiatus. I was reading way too many college textbooks and having way too much party fun to read. After college I picked it right back up again. In fact I used to order books online and have them delivered to vacation spots where I'd be going so that I didn't have to pack them. I'd leave for vacation and take a book a day to read and sometimes that wasn't enough.

Since Pete my reading has again slowed down to almost nothing. It's not that I don't still enjoy it, it's that I don't find the same need to lose myself in a book. It's also that we are so much on the go that I don't have time to read.

Over the weekend we were camping with the biker group and one of them had a book. It made me wonder if I could read while passenger on the back of the bike? Sure enough there was someone in the group who did that. She suggested that I find small books and use clips for the pages. So I bought a Readers Digest at one of the first gas stops.

Couple of things I learned:
1. It's really windy. So windy sometimes that even holding the pages with clips probably isn't going to work.
2. You bounce. And your arm bouncing isn't necessarily in tune with your head bouncing so it tires out your eyes a lot.
3. You miss the scenery. I mean part of riding a bike is seeing things from a vantage point that you wouldn't see while in a vehicle.

So books on the bike are back on the shelf. For now, I'll enjoy hugging Pete and watching the world go by.

Long time....no post

Well not really long. But longer than usual.

What's new you ask? Well wedding stuff is still dominating me. And in turn dominates my life. Which in turn dominates my relationship with Pete. I seem to struggle at times to make sure that the relationship part of this whole wedding hoolpa is taken care of. Afterall, it's the reason for the wedding hoopla.

And now something that isn't wedding related.

Wait, I don't know if there is anything that isn't wedding related at this point.

You catch the drift, right?

At any rate, I want to make sure that Pete knows how much I love him. How much I want to be with him forever and hoe important he is to me. So I keep telling him that. All of it.

Overwhelmed

I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. I'm a trainer for new software at work that is rolling out in the next 30 days. I'm trying to get ahead of my work so that I can take time off for the wedding. We have several campout weekends prior to the wedding with the Dry Riders. I'm trying to get the house in great shape and purge things as we registered for gifts that need to be put in the house. I'm wanting to have time with Pete that is our time still. And all the little things with the wedding.

I'm overwhelemed.

The zoo, the kids and invitations

...don't mix.

We kept Alison and Grant overnight Saturday so Kim and Dave could go away for their anniversary. I call them my borrowed kids. Grant is talking like mad since he got his ear tubes. He says goodbye to everything. Seriously. The ketchup at the restaurant, the water in the otter tank at the zoo...everything. Alison isn't the best listener, but she is learning. I love those kids.

Only, I'm not used to having them. Alison has question after question and Grant seems to think I'm a human jungle gym. And he calls my name constantly. It was an experience.

While having them I tried to get the invitations done for the wedding. The two don't mix, but I was determined. And I did it. Only I needed a nap afterwards. LOL

Flashbacks

Do you ever have flashbacks to things that happened in your past? Flashbacks that provide the same smells, sights & sounds along with all the emotions? I had one this morning on the way to work.

When I was in my third year of college I came home from class one day to find my Dad in my apartment. I smiled at him and asked him what he was doing there. I kept thinking that he was there to surprise me with lunch or something. He was incredibly sweet my first year of college and sent me cards almost every week along with flowers occasionally. I kept asking him what he was doing and he finally told me to sit down. It's the sentence that no one wants to hear. Ever.

I sat down in the livingroom on the brown, cream and peach flowered couch. The carpet was that brown shaggy stuff that hides everything and I can clearly see to this day my Dad standing by the counter in front of the door. I can see the expression on his face as he looked at me. I can smell the carpet freshner that we used all the time - cinnamon/apple. I can see the bare cream walls and feel the sun on my back.

And I can clearly hear him tell me that my uncle Scott had died. I can feel the shock. I can taste the tears on my lips. I can feel my heart race and feel the overwhelming sadness. I remember my mind racing asking how outwardly and why inside.

I don't know what prompted this flashback today. Maybe it was something I saw while waiting at the stoplight. Maybe it's the werid dreams I was having last night. Maybe it's the upcoming wedding. I don't know. I do know that I often times wonder if he was happy. If he would have come to the bar with me on my 21st and had a beer. If he would have liked Pete. If he would have found love. I hope that his spirit flows around me. I hope that he is there with Pete and I when we marry. I know that I miss him.