Flashbacks

Do you ever have flashbacks to things that happened in your past? Flashbacks that provide the same smells, sights & sounds along with all the emotions? I had one this morning on the way to work.

When I was in my third year of college I came home from class one day to find my Dad in my apartment. I smiled at him and asked him what he was doing there. I kept thinking that he was there to surprise me with lunch or something. He was incredibly sweet my first year of college and sent me cards almost every week along with flowers occasionally. I kept asking him what he was doing and he finally told me to sit down. It's the sentence that no one wants to hear. Ever.

I sat down in the livingroom on the brown, cream and peach flowered couch. The carpet was that brown shaggy stuff that hides everything and I can clearly see to this day my Dad standing by the counter in front of the door. I can see the expression on his face as he looked at me. I can smell the carpet freshner that we used all the time - cinnamon/apple. I can see the bare cream walls and feel the sun on my back.

And I can clearly hear him tell me that my uncle Scott had died. I can feel the shock. I can taste the tears on my lips. I can feel my heart race and feel the overwhelming sadness. I remember my mind racing asking how outwardly and why inside.

I don't know what prompted this flashback today. Maybe it was something I saw while waiting at the stoplight. Maybe it's the werid dreams I was having last night. Maybe it's the upcoming wedding. I don't know. I do know that I often times wonder if he was happy. If he would have come to the bar with me on my 21st and had a beer. If he would have liked Pete. If he would have found love. I hope that his spirit flows around me. I hope that he is there with Pete and I when we marry. I know that I miss him.