To Pete...

I've been remiss in blogging the last week. Not because there isn't anything to blog about, but because although I want to get this stuff from my head I don't want it all to be negative.

To Pete,

Gosh I love how you take care of me when I'm sick. I had a stomache thing yesterday. When you woke me up to kiss me goodbye you asked if I was going to work and I told you I wasn't. You replied that you would leave me the laptop and kissed me goodbye. Although I didn't want to take my medicine Monday night for fear it would make my tummy hurt worse, you helped me see that it was the better choice. And you held me tight while I fell asleep.

I love you.

Love Me



On another subject, my Grandma is/was in the hospital. She went in Saturday afternoon with chest pains. My Dad finally left me a message Saturday night at 10:30pm after my sister asked if someone called me. It makes me incredibly sad that my family has come to this. It turns out that Grandma has anexiety. I so torn. I don't want my relationship with her based on lies and secrets. I want to tell her what is going on between my parents and I, but I worry that it will only make her anxiety worse and I also don't want to do that. So I wait. Wait to see how she is and to see where this standoff with my parents will go. Thinking of you Grandma.

IDSRVIT

I'll explain the title in a bit.

I've come to realize that I've been wrong for 36 years of my life. Somewhere along the way I decided that my job, my role in life was to make everyone happy. And not only that, but I was responsible for everyone else's happiness. I had a friend try to tell me that the world didn't work that way a few years ago and I thought she was heartless and mean. I realize that she was right.

I spent 36 years trying to make sure that everyone else was happy. That the things I said and did would make my friends and family happy. The decisions I made would make them happy. How I lived my live and where I lived would make them happy. It never happened though. I could make some people happy some of the time, but never everyone happy at the same time. And so I became frustrated. Frustrated that I couldn't do it and even more frustrated that people weren't doing the same thing for me. Why was no one making me happy?

And In the process I was unhappy, lonely, sad and scared. But I never let on about it. For if I did, that surely would mean that those around me would be unhappy about me being unhappy. Counterproductive to my goal, wouldn't you say? And along with that I passed on jobs and living places, moves and potential dates...I took a pass on taking a chance to happiness. I didn't take the chance because I didn't have control. Not having control meant that I didn't know what the outcome would be. Not knowing the outcome, I could never be sure that it would be one that would make people happy.

So I lived a lonely, safe, unhappy life.

After the conversation with my parents a couple of weeks ago about Pete I've done a lot of thinking. In the mornings when I am alone getting ready for work, I've screamed while the hairdryer was on to drown out the sound, I've cried in the shower at night after the gym. I've run my ass off on the treadmill, every step in anger. And spent a lot of time lost in thought.

Last week on the way home from work I saw a man in a luxery car with this license plate: IDSVRIT. And I immediately thought "Don't we all deserve it?" Don't we all deserve to be happy? And I let the thought go.

Tuesday it came to a head for me. I CANNOT make everyone happy. I cannot be responsible for others happiness. Only they can feel the feelings, control the actions and decide to make themselves happy. I need to take control of my happiness and make decisions that I have control of in an effort to make me happy. I cannot rely on others to make me happy.

So what does all this mean? I cannot worry any longer about making my parents happy. I either chose my happiness or theirs. And after 36 years of trying to make them happy and failing miserably, I choose me. I choose my happiness. IDSRVIT.

To Pete...

I love you.

I got really down on myself last week for sliding back on my weight loss journey. You sat me down and told me that you were telling me the same things that I had told you. Don't give up. It happens and just keep working through it and you'll start to lose more. Give yourself a break and recognize the good that you have done. It made me smile to hear those words from you.

Thank you so much for going jeans shopping. A woman and her jeans are a precious couple. It's so hard to find ones that look good on you and that you feel good in. When I tried them on and they were too big I was shocked. I came out and told you that and you grinned form ear to ear and told me how proud you were of me. I shined in that moment and I will love you for that forever.

I love you!
Love Michelle

Wish I may...

Yes, I've been using my star again.

Star light, starrt bright, first start I see tonight. Wish I may, wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight.

Previously the wish had to do with finding that speical person who completes who I am. But I found that person. I'm in love and we're engaged and everything should be wonderful. My biggest worry should be what color flowers for my bouquet.

Instead I'm back to wishing on my star. Lately is's a huge bright shiney star in the morning sky on my way to work. I'm not entirely sure it's a star and wondering slightly if it's a planet of some sort that I see. At any rate, I've been wishing on it the last week on clear mornings. My wish is that my parents will call. That they will let me know that they are happy for me and love me and that's all that matters.

In all reality I don't think that is going to happen. It's been over 2 weeks since they've spoken to me. And I wonder why they don't call. Is it because they don't know what to say? Is it because they won't change their mind? Is it because they are leaving me alone to do my own thing? Did they see my letter as an ultimatum and chose not to accept it?

Then I wonder how long does this go on? I mean do I live the rest of my life without sharing it with them? And then I start to really feel sad and shut the feeling down before I cry so hard that I can't stop. I let myself cry the other night in the shower. It felt good, but I wanted much more of a cry and I don't want to burdeon Pete with this so instead I ignore it. It's wrong, but it's the only way I know how to deal with this right now.

The girl, the dog and questions

I am usually lost in thought or talking to Pete while on the way home from work each day. Yesterday was no different. I spent the time thinking and listening to low music. I was just about home when I saw a little girl running down the road after a dog. I kept going, thinking that there was nothing I could do. A second later I was turning my truck around. I had a mental image of the girl seeing the dog hit by a car and it wasn't a good thing.

By the time I turned around to go back, the girl was laying on the ground crying and the dog was several hundred feet ahead of her. I pulled the truck up in front of the dog to cut it off and slow it down. When I got out I whistled the best I could, called and bent down low. The dog came over to me and got close, but not close enough for me to grab it. I stayed low hoping it would stick around me and rather than do that it took off again in the same direction.

I got up and walked aorund the truck to where the girl was running and I could tell she was scared. She was crying and upset. I asked her if she lived near there and she said that she lived in the same complex that I did. I asked if there was someone home who could help her and she was noncommital. As we were talking I watched the traffic and made sure that the dog crossed the busy street safely.

I turned back to the girl and asked if she wanted me to drive her to her house to get a parent to help her. She said no and I relized that I was asking a child to get in my vehicle, something that I wanted her to do, but that she shouldn't do. I asked her if she wanted to use my cell phone to call for help and she said no. She said that she was afraid per parents would be mad at her. I told her that they would be worried about her and that she was far from home.

She was insistant that she catch the dog by herself. I watched her cross the street so that she did so safely and told her that if she didn't catch the dog in the next 15 minutes she should probably go home and ask for help. I reminded her that it would getting dark soon and that she didn't want to be out on the busy road in the dark chasing a dog. She promised she would and ran to the house where the dog had taken off to.

I watched her for a short time and then got in my truck and drove home. I wonder if she caught the dog? I wonder if her parents were worried about her. Then I think that I should have figured out a way to get her to contact her parents to make sure that she was ok. Was she just a stubborn child who was determined to do this on her own or was I lacking in my ability to persuade her to do what I thought was best?

Admitting it....

Deep breath in....

It's been over a week now since I last spoke with my parents. Usually my Mom calls about once a week if I haven't called her for something. Just to say hi, to ask how I've been and see what is new in my life. Not this week. I'm admitting that it's always in the back of my brain. That I think about it often and that it does have an impact on me.

Deep breath out.

Favorites...

That picture there - to the right of the entries...it's my favorite place.

In the middle of the city, surrounded by highways, freeways, offices, shops and homes is this lake. It's oblong and wanders through a couple of buildings, under a couple of bridges and over to the marshy end. It's not very deep, maybe 4 feet. it's home to fish, birds, ducks, geese, frogs, rabbits and other small animals.

Towards one end, in the wide part of the lake is a fountain. It's on a moving platform that bobs and swirls and slides from side to side. It makes the fountain jump and twist and rock back and forth in the wind. At the other end of the lake you can rent paddle boats or pay the gondolier to push you through the water in a long black gondela for 30 minutes or an hour. In the winter the lake is drained to about 1 foot and frozen. Your shoes slip and slide along the ice and skaters glide past you gracefully. The kids giggling and they fly by.

All the way around the lake is a walking path. Some of it close to the lake on dirt, gravel and low. Some of it higher and on the pavement. One of the bridges is steep steps up and over the water. it lights up in the night to twinkle it's presence. The other bridge floats on the water and heaves back and forth when you walk over it.

On the path are the swings, benches and tables with chairs. The benches are hard and sit under trees that have shade during the summer and gently falling leaves in the fall. The swings are large wooden things that creak and squeek when you push them.

This is my favorite place. I've spent countless hours walking around this lake with the man I love. Spent many an afternoon or evening sitting on one particular swing at the end of the lake. Giggling, talking, laughing, crying, discussing, arguing. It's the place we go for relaxation, conversation and just to 'be'. It's generally quiet and a wonderful place to people watch. I've seen it in the first rush of spring when everything is just beginning to bloom. I've seen the hot summers where people on the paddle boats dare to go right up to the fountain. I've seen the icy winter frozen lake. And I've sat and watched the leaves change colors and fall to the ground slowly.

It's my favotire place.

To Pete, Love Michelle

Dear Pete,

Yesterday you did something amazing for me. I know you don't think that it is amazing, but it is. You went with me to the wedding fair. You didn't just blindly follow me, you looked at booths also. You didn't sit silent in the fashion shows, you gave your opinions and told me why you liked some of the dresses. You talked to the exhibitors and asked questions. You tried the cakes and the cheesecakes and we talked about what we each liked.

You could have just walked along like some of the other men there, not really wanting to be there. You didn't. And I love you for that. I love you more than I could ever describe.

I'm sad.

I don't quite know how else to say it, but I'm sad.

I spent the last 10 years thinking that my chances for a long and loving relationship with a man had passed. That I could be happy as a single person or a person dating, but not finding that one person for me.

I spent the last 10 years worried. Worried that with the health of my parents I wouldn't have them at my wedding. That my mom wouldn't be there to be excited for me, happy for me. That she wouldn't be there to help me plan this special day and share it with me. That my dad wouldn't be there to talk me down the isle and see me happy. That he wouldn't be there to give me to the man I loved.

And yet here I am. I'm happy, engaged and trying to get excited about planning a wedding. My parents are still with us and I was so very excited the night I got this beautiful ring from him. Yet in my head somewhere it occurred to me to wait to tell my parents until I could see them in person. To see their reaction. And my head was right. They were congratulatory, but not excited. And for 2 weeks I couldn't put my finger on it, although I knew there was something.

Earlier this week I went to my parents to ask my mom to go to a wedding event. Instead she questioned me about him. About his past. She reasearched him on the internet. I was shocked. I was floored. I was hurt. Not hurt that they found something and asked about it, they are parents and should be concerned. Incredibly hurt that they searched. That they looked almost hoping to find something to disuade me.

Gosh, never in my wildest dreams did it ever occurr to me that they wouldn't be happy just to see me happy. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine planning a wedding wouldn't be fun.


So here I am at a crossroads.

One half of me wants to run away and get married somewhere and live a wonderful life, the two of us. One half of me says that I can't let them dictate my happiness and I should have the wedding I want and just send them an invite to it all. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want them to approach me and offer up their happiness. And I'd be lying if I said that at times opetion A is more to my liking and others, option B is what I need.