IDSRVIT

I'll explain the title in a bit.

I've come to realize that I've been wrong for 36 years of my life. Somewhere along the way I decided that my job, my role in life was to make everyone happy. And not only that, but I was responsible for everyone else's happiness. I had a friend try to tell me that the world didn't work that way a few years ago and I thought she was heartless and mean. I realize that she was right.

I spent 36 years trying to make sure that everyone else was happy. That the things I said and did would make my friends and family happy. The decisions I made would make them happy. How I lived my live and where I lived would make them happy. It never happened though. I could make some people happy some of the time, but never everyone happy at the same time. And so I became frustrated. Frustrated that I couldn't do it and even more frustrated that people weren't doing the same thing for me. Why was no one making me happy?

And In the process I was unhappy, lonely, sad and scared. But I never let on about it. For if I did, that surely would mean that those around me would be unhappy about me being unhappy. Counterproductive to my goal, wouldn't you say? And along with that I passed on jobs and living places, moves and potential dates...I took a pass on taking a chance to happiness. I didn't take the chance because I didn't have control. Not having control meant that I didn't know what the outcome would be. Not knowing the outcome, I could never be sure that it would be one that would make people happy.

So I lived a lonely, safe, unhappy life.

After the conversation with my parents a couple of weeks ago about Pete I've done a lot of thinking. In the mornings when I am alone getting ready for work, I've screamed while the hairdryer was on to drown out the sound, I've cried in the shower at night after the gym. I've run my ass off on the treadmill, every step in anger. And spent a lot of time lost in thought.

Last week on the way home from work I saw a man in a luxery car with this license plate: IDSVRIT. And I immediately thought "Don't we all deserve it?" Don't we all deserve to be happy? And I let the thought go.

Tuesday it came to a head for me. I CANNOT make everyone happy. I cannot be responsible for others happiness. Only they can feel the feelings, control the actions and decide to make themselves happy. I need to take control of my happiness and make decisions that I have control of in an effort to make me happy. I cannot rely on others to make me happy.

So what does all this mean? I cannot worry any longer about making my parents happy. I either chose my happiness or theirs. And after 36 years of trying to make them happy and failing miserably, I choose me. I choose my happiness. IDSRVIT.