April 23, 2013: the day I had a biopsy and learned that I could have breast cancer. The day that my lift too a sharp left turn in a world of rights. I posted about it: Fear is real, but honest. Praying.
April 23, 2014: I knew it was coming. I had fleeting thoughts about it in the weeks leading up to that day. But each time I'd think about it, I tried to dismiss the thought. The day came and I got up and worked, just like I usually did. I was behind, had a few things I was juggling, but worked. I found myself starting into the screen at times and felt unsettled, almost like I was dreading something.
I had to run and errand and instead of eating lunch, I decided to get that done. I bought things for dinner at the grocery store and returned home. If Pete noticed that I was quiet, he didn't say much. I tried to crochet after working, but that feeling of anxiety returned. My heart races and I feel like I could jump form my skin. As if jumping around or off a wall or something, would lessen the feeling I was having.
I started dinner and asked Pete to help with shredding potatoes. I got dinner in the oven and tried to relax. But that anxiety, it's like a dark shadow that follows you and avoiding it doesn't make it go away. The timer went off and I took the dinner out of the oven. Only instead of putting it on the stove to cool, I accidentally put it on a burner that had been turned on previously. The glass pan got hotter. Just writing about this, reliving it through getting it out; it's all giving me more anxiety. When I set the pan aside, I called Pete in and he washed his hands for dinner. Water must have dropped on the pan and it exploded - everywhere.
That was it. I immediately started crying and couldn't stop. It was such a cliche thing to happen - the pan exploding and my emotions exploding. But it got them out. Pete didn't understand why I was crying until I explained it to him. I tried so hard to just avoid the feelings and thinking about it. When what I should have done is hit those feelings head on by talking about them. By getting them out in words or even recording myself talking. Valuable lesson.