My Absence: #Fear is Real, but #honest. #Praying

I Instagramed this photo Monday:

Me at The Breast Center

I had Instagramed my initial mammogram the week before and wanted to document this one too.  I've explained before about my family history and genetic testing for breast cancer.  It's kind of my thing.  If nothing else, I want to prompt other women to get themselves checked appropriately.

But this time of being called back ends differently.  It ends with me in a consultation room talking to a a radiologist about suspicious cells and needing a biopsy.  It ends with a painful biopsy and tears at having to wait 24 hours for the results.  It ends with my husband holding me in the morning because neither of us knows what to do.  It ends with a call saying that there are cancerous cells.  It ends with more tears.

#Fear is REAL, but #Honest.  #Praying.

When I didn't get the call last Friday to come back in for additional images I forgot about the mammogram.  I was shocked to get a call Monday to come back in.  And here I sit, one week from the original mammogram.  One week and so many changes. 

Can you all do me a favor?  Can you all pray for me or send your healing/positive thoughts?  And can you choose to be proactive with your health, rather than reactive?

My Mom understands this, but I don't think that Pete does.  A part of me is glad that this is happening, that there are cancer cells there.  Not that I wanted cancer at all...never.  But I've lived 15 years knowing that there is a real good possibility that I would have breast cancer.  There is some relief in having it, getting through it all and getting on with life. 

I have moments where I forget and then moments where it comes back and I tear up.  I'm having problems with the biopsy site and my first thought was that nothing was going to be easy for me.  I worry about Pete and how this is hitting him in the gut full force and making him not able to eat.  I think about not being able to work out and will I gain weight again?  I worry about my sister and her 2 beautiful kids and does she have it too?  I both want to talk about it and want to push it aside and pretend it's not there. 

I have a huge blog post about my feelings from Monday.  It's long, winding and brutally honest.  I don't know if I'll ever publish it, but it felt good getting it out.  I considered not posting this here; keeping it to myself.  But I'm pretty honest here and I know that this is going to have a big impact on my healthiness (ironic) journey.  In a way it's as though the universe was telling me to get healthy and strong because I'd need it all to fight this. 

So that's why I've been silent this week.