199.0; I Don't Believe In Myself

When I was big/fat/overweight, I used to look longingly at those who ran.  I'd wonder why they did it, because it's surely not fun.  But there was this mystique about running and what happens when you run.  I'd wonder if I could do it, this running.  And soon it became something I was wanting to do.

As I got thinner, I pushed myself on that treadmill.  2 miles, 3 miles and soon I was running 7 and not even thinking about it.  Then I ran the 5K outside with Pete timing me and realized that I can run.

For the last two years I've told people I'm going to run the Women Who Rock 10K. 

Last year I printed out the training schedule and started doing it.  I got into week 2 and sort of stopped.  then my family decided to go on vacation the week prior to this.  I'd be returning the day of the race.  So I stopped training and made excuses.  I made excuses to everyone, including my gastric band doctor.

Earlier this year I talked to some women who had run it and some who had run other races.  They all told me that the way I was running already meant that I could run it.  They encouraged me to do it.  So again at the beginning of the year I started planning and looking at training schedules.  Then I had the abnormal biopsy, surgery and running is out of the question for the immediate future.

Whew.  Whew?  Really?

I watch Extreme Weight Loss, Biggest Loser and other weight loss shows and see how everyone runs not just 5K/10K or even half marathons, but full marathons.  And it's now occurred to me that I don't yet believe in myself.  I don't think that I can run that.  Even though I've run more than 10K on the treadmill many times. 

I don't believe in myself.  It's a slap inn the face.  It's a barrier to moving on in weight loss.  It's a hurdle that I need to overcome to keep going.  I think this surgery was somehow meant for me to start over with gaining strength and learning to do cardio again.  Learning to set goals, meet goals and push myself within reason.  I want to use this surgery to reenergize the working out and being healthy and losing more weight.

So I've upped my walking.  And starting today I'll be wearing the Polar HRM and walking outside for 30 minutes each day.  I'll increase the time by 15 minutes every other week.