I went shopping yesterday. Kind of like back to school shopping. I used to love back to school shopping. All those new clothes and office supplies. Shiny and new and mine. It was my favorite part of the year! A few pieces of clothing that could be worn while I work from home, wear to the office and wear out when Pete and I go do things.
I think I spent 2 hours in Kohls pushing around the shopping cart and adding things. It was difficult, both physically and mentally. Physically I ended up going back to the carts and getting one with 4 wheels so I wasn't using so much effort to push that cart around. Mentally. Well mentally I was all over the place.
I feel like I disliked my body and the way it felt to be in it so I went on this long journey to lose weight. I lost almost 100 pounds and had this new body. It took me a while to get used to it. To learn the curves and the angles. To learn how to dress this new body. I finally become used to this body and my new life and again I have changes. I have this surgery that changes my waist, hips and abdomen.
So here I am again, trying to learn this body. I'm trying to learn the curves again. And once again I'm left wondering if the size that I'm at now will be the size that I remain? I'm in medium shirts for the most part; still the same shirt size. But pants? Boy this is gonna be a ride. At this point I still have to wear this binder while I'm awake. It's about 10 inches wide of elastic and Velcro. I wrap it around my waist and hips as tightly as I can and put clothes over it. It does add bulk.
I tried on 2 paid of pants; a khaki stretchy jean and blue jeans. The jeans I couldn't get zipped and they didn't come over my thighs all the way So I just put those back and bought a size up; size 16. For the other jeans, I fit into my 14. But at this point, it['s not pretty. The thighs are tight, but because of how the pants are made, the waist is snug (with the binder). I bought them and I'm going to keep them in the closet with the receipt to think about. The jeans that I bought? Well, when I got home they fit in the thighs nicely. But, they gap in the waist; my usual problem. So they are going back.
I feel somewhat like I am back in the same place as I was a year ago, frustrated with my new body and trying to figure it out. At times I want to give up and go back. At times I wish that I hadn't rocked the cart, so to speak. But logically I know that this is but a bump in my journey to get where I want to and I just need to keep moving forward.