Over the weekend I started Googling breast cancer, reconstruction and BreastNext. Pete and I talked some about what recovery would look like for me and the tasks that would be left to him to complete. And as always, he expressed readiness to be what I need him to be.
Then I went grocery shopping. And cried.
There are times that I am in control and that this is what I want and I'm happy that it's here and now for me to deal with before it's bad. And there are times where the enormity of what I'm doing seems overwhelming and I lose it. And soon after losing it I berate myself for doing so. I should be happy that it's not turned into cancer yet. I should be happy that I have more time and choices than those that are diagnosed. But I somewhat feel like a fraud. Like it's not that big of a deal and I just need to get over myself. Then I'm back in control of myself and stop crying.
I'm trying to take control, to be proactive and understand all of this. So I indulged my love for office supplies, notebooks, pens and organization.
I started a notebook. A notebook that will follow me for the summer as I go through all of this. So far I have a section of questions to ask the plastic surgeon, a list of questions for the geneticist, a section for my insurance contacts, a section for surgery prep and a section for recovery stuff. I've filled some of the sections with questions that I got from BreastCancer.org and BreastReconstruction.org. Both have communities to ask questions and get support and information.
I am obsessed. This consumes me. To the point that I never slept at all Sunday night. My mind would spin with ideas and questions and what ifs. Insomnia at it's worst. I feel this intense need to clean my house form top to bottom, almost in a nesting kind of way. I want Pete to call Sleep Number about getting a new pump for the bed. I want to stockpile groceries and cook casseroles to freeze. I'm compiling a list of books to read and want ideas of movies/TV shows to rent. I haven't bought any more clothes because I don't know what I'll be able to wear or want to wear. I feel like I am speeding ahead and spinning my wheels at the same time.
I am tired.