Monday, May 06, 2013

Sometimes The Universe Talks To Me

On Friday I was reading the Internet and came across an article about Kara DioGuardi.  She was the judge on American Idol a few years ago.  She was on two seasons and then abruptly quit.  People Magazine has an article about her and she's been on the Today Show talking about her journey with BRCA and her choices.

And it's times like this when I think that the universe, God, the sun/moon are talking to me.  Not directly, not in voices that I can hear.  Never that.  But in a way that silently says I need to do something.  In a gentle but impactful way that points to what needs to be done.  In an "all signs point to" kind of way.  Or maybe I see in the world what I want to see in order to feel like I've made/am making the best/right decision?

This comment from DioGuardi: 
I have absolutely no regrets because now I feel empowered in my body. I feel like I took back some of the fear, took back control of my life and hopefully enabled my child not to have to go through watching his mother in a chair hooked up to chemotherapy. I think that when it comes to your health, you have to look at it like, “Not only does this affect me, it affects everyone around me — my kid, my husband, my friends.” And if there’s a way to possibility reduce it, it’s kind of a no-brainer.
jumped out at me.  It's how I currently feel.  As though this is my choice and therefore under my power to steer myself and my body to my future.  And while there is a finality to not having natural breasts, it doesn't change the me on the inside.

Sometime last week after I talked to the surgeon, my Mom and I had a a conversation.  I think I understand her better and appreciate her more because of it.  She said some things that struck a cord in my brain.  One of them was that she was told by a doctor friend of hers to have a mastectomy when she was about my age to avoid cancer.  At the time she thought that it was too radical and didn't do it.  But she regrets that now.  She said that she wasn't worried about my sister and I while were in our 20s and 30s.  But as we each reached 40, she came to dread that one or both of us would be diagnosed with cancer. 

My Mom encouraged me to write down questions for the genetic counselor.  She encouraged me to write down questions to take when talking with a plastic surgeon.  So far I have an internal list; one not yet written down.  But one of the questions that looms over me, that makes me think long and hard.  Am I going far enough to prevent the cancers associated with BRCA and the 15 gene panel?  Do I need to go farther?  I feel like the universe, God and the sun/moon are telling me to make sure I do what I need to do.

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