I watched the Biggest Loser last night. It was mostly about facing your fears.
It really got me thinking. I'm struggling with the last 15 pounds I need to lose. I'm starting to realize that I'm likely self sabotaging right now. I KNOW what to do to lose weight. I know how to eat right. Yet I seem to do these things half heartedly and with 70% lately. And while I've had periods like this throughout my loss, this seems somehow different.
I can't hide behind my weight anymore as any excuse for ANYTHING. I'm front and center and people see me. I still don't know what to do when I see men checking me out or being extra nice to me in public. It makes me uncomfortable and makes me sad that I didn't get the same attention 90 pounds ago. I can't claim that I can't do something because I'm to tired or fat. People aren't going to excuse me when I do something wrong because of my weight.
What happens if what I am now isn't enough? What happens if I try something new now and fail? How do I be front and center of anything so people see the real me that was hiding there all along? How do I deal with attention from people who ignored me before because I was fat?
What if I lose the remaining 15 pounds and I'm not that magically happy thin person? What if I lose 15 pounds and everything isn't rainbows and butterflies? What if I lose that last 15 pounds and Pete looks at me and doesn't 'like' the new me? Hell, what if I don't like the new me?
And I don't know the answer to any of this right now. It follows me around like the plague, keeping me from concentrating on my book and from falling asleep at night. It occupies my mind during work and at stoplights. It's nagging right behind the smile on my face. I try to imagine what life is like and reality is that life is like it is right now. But for someone who lost a lot of weight, it's somehow different, just a little. I want the pieces to fall into place. I want to let the past go and embrace where I am now and anticipate the future.
But I'm scared.