Thursday, May 03, 2012

212.2; Frustrated

My SparkPeople app on my iPhone.

I'm frustrated.  The blue line up there isn't going down. 

I know.  I know.  It's not all about the weight, it's about your body.  Ignore the weight and focus on the inches lost.  Who cares about the weight, how do you feel?

Honestly, right now, I care about the weight.  I DO care about that number on the scale.  In March I set a goal to be 200 pounds by 5/1/12.  It didn't happen.  At the time I thought that the losing I was doing was going to continue.  I was losing about  pound a day for the first 3 weeks after surgery (that includes the pounds of fluid I gained during my hospital stay).  The losing suddenly stopped.  I have been wavering between 209 and 212 since then.

It's not for a lack of trying.  I get my happy self tired behind out of bed at 4:40 am 4 days a week before work and head to the gym.  I jog, run/walk intervals, Body Pump, row, ARC trainer for an hour each time and burn between 600-1000 calories.  My fat percentage burn is usually between 15%-25% each time.  I should be working my ass off right?  And if you count inches I am.  If you count pounds, I'm doing nothing.

The logical explanation is that my eating is still off track.  Which, confirms in my head, without any doubt, that I needed this gastric banding.  I need this to help my eating.  And this is not to say that I eat horribly.  Not at all.

My breakfasts consist of 1/2 cup egg substitute with 1 ounce of cheese and 2-3 tablespoons of salsa or 1 packet of unsweetened multi grain oatmeal with 1/3 cup fruit added or 1 cup Fage 0% Greek yogurt with 1/3 banana or 1/3 cup fruit.  My lunch this week has been cooked quinoa with tomatoes, cilantro, salsa, onion, peppers and black beans.  About 1 1/2 cups.  My afternoon snack has been cheese and 1/2 slice toast or 1 small bag of pop chips.  Dinners have been baked sole, lime cilantro chicken, shrimp low fat ceaser salad, mahi mahi and unbreaded buffalo marinaded chicken.  I have been eating closer to 2 cups at dinner time.  My unhealthy addition to all this is that there were ice cream sandwiches in the freezer for Pete.  I had one each night this week.

And I know what you're all saying're building muscle from the Body Pump and other strength workouts like rowing.  I know.  I know.  I'm still frustrated.  Almost to the point of crying.  I'm mad at myself for being fixated on a number.  I'm made that I've learned through the years that it's all about the scale and nothing else.  I need to unlearn that and I'm trying.  I'm mad that I can't make the progress on the scale that I should be.  I'm...I'm...I'm angry with myself.  Angry.  But that's not being fair to myself is it?  I need to work this out, don't I?  Figure out how to focus on all the numbers, not just the scale.  I need to be less angry at myself about it all.  Less anger, more positive.

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