I think some weight (pun intended) has been lifted from me and for various reasons.
1. The Lung Specialist: Yesterday I had my appointment with the lung specialist. The nurse rooming me had no bedside manner, but that's beside the point, right? Anyway, he was a nice man (why do I feel the need to place everyone into he nice/not so nice category?). He listened to me talk and breathe and asked all sorts of questions about my sleep, my days, no breathing, symptoms... Then he said that he thinks I have sleep apnea. People with this stop breathing anywhere from 5-100 times an HOUR at night. So he scheduled me for a sleep study and I'm waiting for the place to call me back for a time.
I'm a bit relieved because somehow I had decided that if I didn't need a breathing machine at night, I didn't have apnea. This is false. So my hopes of qualifying for surgery are a little increased, but I'm not all in yet.
2. Moonlight and Motorcycle: Yesterday I sent Pete a text asking him to take me for a ride after dinner so I could hug him close and feel the wind on my face. My mind seems to settle on the motorcycle. It races through all kinds of subjects almost like a word association game with myself. I spent the first 20 minutes with my arms around his chest, my chest leaning into his back and my head on his shoulder. I could smell the cologne he was wearing, the hot fall day, the dust from farmers in the fields, the engines of vehicles passing me by... Little by little my mind calmed down. I won't lie, I shed a few tears behind my sunglasses, but I was more peaceful than I had been in over a week.
Later on in the ride, the coolness from the low areas and the bodies of water that we passed seemed to wake me up and shake me up. By then it was dark and the moon was up and shining on me. And I stared at it intently and wondered where it would take me if I could ride it. I wondered how many other people were looking up at the moon along with me. I wondered if the pull of the moon was pulling me out from my feeling of overwhelm; if it would heal me slowly as I stared at it from the back of the motorcycle.
When we got home I was strangely peaceful as though the wind had blown away some of my worry. I slept better last night than I have in a while.
3. Goal: My goal is strange. My goal is weird. My goal is almost an experiment to see what happens. My goal for this weekend is to cry it out. Shed the tears as though they are baggage to me and need to be released.