Figuring it all out

Monday I had a really hard day at work.  I shared on Friday how disappointed I was in a work related issue.  I did my best not to think about it all weekend and was pretty successful.  Only by Monday it was so huge in my head that I had a hard time staying at work and couldn't concentrate at all.  I'm realizing that I should have through more about it over the weekend and talked it out with Pete or someone so that it wasn't so HUGE on Monday.

So I left work early on Monday and decided to hit up HomeGoods.  I had decided that I deserved to make over my office.  Now it started out innocently as I really had been thinking all summer about how I could make organizational and decorative changes to my office to kind of lift me up while I'm there.  I have a need to change and it's been stifled while here as I really can't change the layout of my office and I dislike stagnant spaces.  However, my plan was to hit up Salvation Army and the Goodwill for pieces that I could make over and bring in.  Bright pops of color that would make me happy to see them and new organization for keeping things in place.

Only what I did was buy this:

Metal basket, Wood organizer, Wood magazine holders, statue, silver cup and frame, plus more...

I spent $150 without even blinking.  And I put it on the 'emergecny credit card' because I didn't want to take it out of my short supply in my every day bank account.  Oh I walked out of there excited to try it all out in my office, but went home instead.  I spent the evening planning out in my head how it would all work out in my office.  I bought wall stickers/rub ons to add some modern decoration.  I bought spray pant and a drop cloth to change the color of the metal basket above and to paint my filing cabinet, among other things.

Yesterday I was still out of sorts, not quite in the moment and feeling down.  So I brought all the pieces in my office, one by one.  In the afternoon I shut the door and rearranged my desk/computer desk area.  I spent an hour cleaning and decluttering and then placed the new/exciting pieces where I wanted them.  I rearranged and rearranged until I decided on a layout.

Then I sat down and looked around.  And you know what?

 I wasn't any happier.  I wasn't any less out of sorts.  I wasn't any more in the moment.  I wasn't any less sad and disappointed.  I wasn't any less overwhelmed by my life right now.  And what I realized was that I not only use food to help me out of an emotional bind, but I use shopping and new things to do the same.  But neither one works. 

So I went home, all emotional last night and struggling.  I expected to find Pete there so we could have dinner and I could just relax.  But it didn't go as planned and we ended up miscommunicating and I ended up in tears.  And as much as I want to make myself better, Pete wants it more.  He hates to see me cry.  I had to remind him that telling me not to cry doesn't help.  He held me as I tried to settle down and stop crying.  But I can't help thinking, even today, that maybe what I really need is that good cry.  I need to get the emotion out of me and into the world and experience it.  Then and only then I can see if I'm ready to move on and get into a better place.