So I left work early on Monday and decided to hit up HomeGoods. I had decided that I deserved to make over my office. Now it started out innocently as I really had been thinking all summer about how I could make organizational and decorative changes to my office to kind of lift me up while I'm there. I have a need to change and it's been stifled while here as I really can't change the layout of my office and I dislike stagnant spaces. However, my plan was to hit up Salvation Army and the Goodwill for pieces that I could make over and bring in. Bright pops of color that would make me happy to see them and new organization for keeping things in place.
Only what I did was buy this:
|Metal basket, Wood organizer, Wood magazine holders, statue, silver cup and frame, plus more...|
Yesterday I was still out of sorts, not quite in the moment and feeling down. So I brought all the pieces in my office, one by one. In the afternoon I shut the door and rearranged my desk/computer desk area. I spent an hour cleaning and decluttering and then placed the new/exciting pieces where I wanted them. I rearranged and rearranged until I decided on a layout.
Then I sat down and looked around. And you know what?
I wasn't any happier. I wasn't any less out of sorts. I wasn't any more in the moment. I wasn't any less sad and disappointed. I wasn't any less overwhelmed by my life right now. And what I realized was that I not only use food to help me out of an emotional bind, but I use shopping and new things to do the same. But neither one works.
So I went home, all emotional last night and struggling. I expected to find Pete there so we could have dinner and I could just relax. But it didn't go as planned and we ended up miscommunicating and I ended up in tears. And as much as I want to make myself better, Pete wants it more. He hates to see me cry. I had to remind him that telling me not to cry doesn't help. He held me as I tried to settle down and stop crying. But I can't help thinking, even today, that maybe what I really need is that good cry. I need to get the emotion out of me and into the world and experience it. Then and only then I can see if I'm ready to move on and get into a better place.