T minus 1 day

and counting.

Tomorrow is the day when we learn if my Mom is positive for the BRCA mutation or not. And honestly, I'm scared. Scared because no matter what it will change our lives. And if she is negative, it doesn't necessarily mean that Kim and are are negative because of a history of cancer in my Dad's family.

I know that everyone deals with this differently, but I can't figure my Mom out. When we initally met with the genetic counselor, she made statements about it being more than Kim or I thought about. We told her and the counselor that we had been thinking of it. But I don't think she had. Not at all.

When the test came back so quickly I figured that it was positive. And still today, knowing nothing else, I'd bet that it was positive. My Mom finally got the bill from the insurance company from the testing. Instead of $3700, the lab charged her insurance a little over $500. This made her think that it was positive. Only because the intial testing is for the Jewish 3 spots. I don't think that she had thought this previously and I think it shook her. She called to tell me this so that I'd be prepared. I think I'm as prepared as I can be.

And it didn't stop there. She is upset that they stopped testing aftger the inital test (if that's really what occurred) because then she won't know if there is cancer on her Mom's side (the Jewish side is my Grandpa). I told her that it doesn't matter. Once you're postive, you're positive. It's nice to be able to figure out where it is, but not always does that occur. She said that it wasn't fair because she couldn't let her Mom's side know of any increased risk. I tried to tell her that it's not her responsibility to inform all of her family of this. She simply can say that she is positive and they may want to think about visiting a genetic counselor. Again, I think it's a matter of her wanting the power to say that she has this and inform everyone about it and tell them what they should do. She lives for situations like this in some odd sense, it give her pleasure.

So here I sit. This result looming over me like a cloud. It colors all my decisions lately. It makes me wonder about life and how it would change. It almost stops me from thinking of the near future because plans would change dramatically. I want it done and over. I want to know, but yet I like the innocense of not knowing.