Have you ever felt like you were chasing a friend? It's hard to describe. In one sense it's as if you're working harder at being a friend than the other person. In another it's that you're worried about the friend and they keep pulling back from you. In another it's as if the new life created by your friend doesn't include you and you seek to maintain what you previously had.
Does that explain it?
I currently feel like I am chasing a friend. Like she is so guarded and pulled back from the world that we once inhabited together that I can no longer find her. Yet she is reight before me. I am so worried about her and how she is doing that I seek any little bit of information to assure me that she is ok. Yet the little bits keep getting smaller and smaller.
It's frustrating. It's almost hurtful. And yet I let it continue. I don't know if it's the person-helper in me. I don't know if it's the fact that I really hate to lose friends. I don't know if it's because I'm prideful about not giving in. But I do know that I let it continue, almost as if I am addicted to it. As if it's my current drug of choice. That the little bits are just the little hits that I need to continue seeking the drug.
I need to let it stop. I can't be responsible for others. I can offer to help, and I have. I can let her know that I am here for her, and I have. But I cannot be responsible.