Monday, December 29, 2008

It's almost the end and the beginning

I'm starting to reflect upon the year. It's natural I suppose and I guess that around this time everyone does it to a degree. I think back and remember all that has occurred - from Pete's Dad dying to my disagreement with my parents, to getting married, to finding the motorcycle club. Such highs and lows. I never id seem to findmiddle ground this past year. That space where things are comfortable, equal, happy. When people ask, I usually say that I wouldn't change the hard times because they helped me learn. I've said that about my relationship with Pete. However, 2008 would have been much better if I could have changed a few things. I'll admit defeat this time.

I'd love it if Pete's Dad could have lived long enough to see us married. While he and Pete didn't see eye to eye, it was important to him to have his Dad there. And I'd have loved to see him see Pete happy.

I'd love it if my Grandma was still here. While I know that she is no longer suffering and that she is with her God and where she wanted to be, I'm still missing her. And I'm a bit leary of how the family will continue from this point on in her absence.

I'd love it if my parents were happy for me. When I look at the wedding pictures my Mom never smiled. Ever. There was a smirk in one photograph, but no smile. I saw her smile while talking to people at the wedding, but never in pictures or while walking me down the aisle. I realize in my head that I can't make them be happy for me. My heart still hurts though.

And lastly, I'd love it if Pete had a job that he liked. While we are financially ok for now, it worries me in this economy that he isn't working.

The best part of 2008 is that I married my best friend. I used to think that women were nuts when they said that their husband was their best friend, but not anymore. I tell him everything. I vent to him. I get support from him. He helps me with whatever. He truely is the one that I want to tell everything to, share everything with. Without him I don't know what I would do. The thought makes my heart skip a beat. I don't ever want to find out.

So I'm trying to celebrate the passing of 2008. While there were certainly good times, the bad seemed to outweigh it. And the rollercoaster of good and bad times has left me a bit sick and tired of the ride. I plan to ring in 2009 with optimism for a better year. For a year that is happier, less stressful, full of hope and lets me sit in grace.

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